[inneed]

I will be the first to say. I never thought I would find myself in this situation. That's quite besides the point and I apologize in advance for this being my introduction to the community.

I can't really disclose my name, my location or much about me for true fear of the result from not only friends, family, but work.

I'm a young individual. I'm 21 years old. Myself and my girlfriend who is 19 years old have just discovered she is currently pregnant.

My responses and feelings have gone from fear to excitement to terror to feeling helpless and to feeling like a child myself.

I can't call this pregnancy unwanted. I can call it unplanned for. Which at this current time in both of our lives will mean major life changes we are simply not ready for.

We aren't helpless but we still go through the phases of what I still feel I was when I went into college. I have trouble finding enough time between work and home life and the dogs to eat 2 square meals a day. My girlfriend while absolutly wonderful and the light of my life in every way is not ready for a child either.

I'll be blunt and I feel that is what I'm doing is not right. We aren't poor. We aren't rich. Our families would not understand and haven't been in this situation before. My family will not condone any solution other than one they do not know about, nor will hers. Which leaves us in a real question of what do we do privately. Since I don't believe the right thing can be done alone, and quietly I find myself here. Trying to convice this gorgoues girl abortion is not the best way and terminating this pregnancy is not the only way for this to work.

It's 11PM my time here. I find myself sitting here with a few bud lights searching myself for answers.

The girl I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with is deadset on having this baby aborted. I pressed myself to be ok with it, I convinced myself it was no different than chosing a phone number, just another descision with no recourse. However I don't think I can do it. I just don't think I can. She has been through this before with someone else which really kills me deep down and I don't know if I can emotionally do this. (I apologize if that sounds like a weak frame of mind or if It sounds like I'm just saying "no i can't, i'm too childish to deal with it so i can't bla bla". No one did this to me. I know. I apologize if I come off as someone looking for a shoulder to cry on .

The best thing in my mind is putting this baby up for adoption. This may seem heartless I guess but in my mind my reasoning I don't feel I can adequetly create a life for a child, and that my girlfriend is no better off than I. I don't feel we can successfully raise a child to the same effect where we wonder what else we could have accomplished. I grew up with friends and one of the best friends I have in life is a adopted child. This friend has literally saved my life on at least one occasion when it came to keeping my out of life changing trouble and these are things I can not shake, or forget. This person has changed my life for the better in ways no one else did, and they are adopted. What if this child has the same future?

I'm rambling. I'm just looking for ears for this to fall upon I guess.

The reason i'm posting here.

i don't want to have this baby aborted. friday we have a appiontment to have this done and between now and then is all the time in this world I have to convince the love of my life this is not the best solution and that we have the power to not only chnage a couples life forever in the most profound way possible, but to bring a life into this world that changes other peoples lives as well.

Please share your story. Any positive story you can muster up whether or not you think it's dumb of how adoption changed your life, allowed you to exist or otherwise WAS A BETTER OPTION THAN A ABORTION.

My heart grows heavier and heavier by the day. I'm fillled with tears and heartache. I can't condone the current course of action and my words and faith alone are not enough to change the mind of the person i dearly love.

I'm desperatly in need of information, stories, something I can touch this girl with on a personal level.

I'm sorry if I went about this the wrong way. I will admit this is the only measure I could think of.

I do understand that adoption results in a childs life I created I can not be a part. I'll be very honest to the fact I don't know how I'll deal with it but I can not go to bed every night for the rest of my life wondering what that child could have, could have said if not to me, to someone else in this world.

if you didn't exist where would the people you love be? This is killing my heart. I feel like a lost helpless child coming to the internet to find solice.

[BrandyHagz]

Inneed,

I wanted to respond as a birthmom, not an adoptive parent.

I’ve been where you are…considering my options and ultimately deciding on adoption. I placed my daughter, who was my second born, in open adoption eight years ago.

The relationship I have with her, and her parents is the most profound and amazing relationship I have ever had. She has the most amazing and wonderful parents, and is as happy as I hoped she would be when I made my decision.

I wont go on and on about abortion, in the end, you have to do what’s right for you (and your family)…whatever that might be.

Can you tell us why your gf is not interested in Adoption? Is she playing on the medias misconception of what adoption is?

Adoption is not the easiest road to take, but for me it was the most fulfilling. I was able to bring a wonderful little girl into the world, and then pick the best set of parents a kid could hope for.

You might try to find someone in your area that specializes in Pregnancy and options counseling. Not adoption counseling, but options counseling…someone that can go over all the options you have available to you.

You might also google “Open Adoption Insights” and contact Brenda Romanchik. She advises expectant parents on the ins and outs of adoption, and she might even be able to send you some resources to look over.

Anyway, good luck with whatever decision you guys make…let us know how things go.

[inneed]

Brandy,

Thank you for your post.

My gf outlook on adoption is she would rather terminate the pregnancy and have no one know than give the child up for adoption.

I will sit here and stand behind her whatever the final descision is but i'd truly like to at least try and make a valid argument that it may not be the best option.

Her main concern is that (she can not do it) in her eyes. She can not know someone else has her child.

This is a difficult arguement for me. I'm not carrying the child. I can not imagine the connection felt between a mother and a child. I do however feel a strong connection to this 'entity' that really doesn't exist (she is about 6 weeks along) and I have until friday to present her with anything and everything possible. Any situation, circumstance or story that may touch her on a level to which I can convince her ADOPTION CREATES GOOD IN PEOPLES LIVES!

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your feedback and posts.

Parker.

[MollyinSD]

I do understand that adoption results in a childs life I created I can not be a part. I'll be very honest to the fact I don't know how I'll deal with it but I can not go to bed every night for the rest of my life wondering what that child could have, could have said if not to me, to someone else in this world

Well I guess I should start by saying is most adoptions now are open and you could indeed have contact with the family and your child after you have placed. So you couls still be a part in whatever way you feel comfortable.

As for our story. I myself am an adoptee. I was abadoned and found (obviously), rushed to a hospital and 4 months later placed with my mom. Without adoption I would not have become the person I am today. I truly think growing up knowing that made me positive that I would one day adopt as well as make sure I gave back to the world in some small way. I became a teacher and married a firefighter. I was the first in my family to go to college and made sure to get a Masters before my mom passed away from cancer.

After dealing with infertility for a little more than a year we decided to go with adoption. After three and a half months we were chosen. Brought a beautiful son home for 5 days and his birthmother changed her mind. That was devastating but again, we felt hat God had a plan and that we were probably meant to be there for his first week of life while his mother came to terms with what she would do for the rest of hers. We grieved and prayed and hoped for the best. 15 days later our lives were changed.

We got a call that we had been matched again. Our facilitator had made sure to share with "l" that we had just gone through a loss so if she wasn't sure not to pick us. She was sure. Her due date was 1/25. That date came and went and I was sure she changed her mind.

On 2/3 (my mom's birthday) we were told she was going to the doctor and wanting the baby out! No word came after that. On 2/4 in the middle of giving my high schoolers their most important test here in CA, we were called and told to come to the hospital. I left my 10th graders with tears in my eyes and drove to the hospital 10 minutes from my school. A few hours later our son was born and our lives have been changed forever.

I stay home with him and every day he does something new. I can't believe the miracle that I have been entrusted with. I pray for his birthmother and though she has chosen not to be a part of his life at this time, knows that we are open to that. She is our angel. She brought and made us a family. Without her my heart would still be yearning and I would not know the awesome feeling of being a mom or crying when I see him smile at his dad. It is just to big for words and thanks will never be enough. I live each day trying to make sure that he knows how much he is loved and treasured.

Obviously you need to make a decision that is right for both of you. I just want to make sure you know what a gift and blessing adoption is. It changes lives - it brings miracles to people...I wish you both the best and will keep you in my prayers as you make your decisions.

Molly

[roomformore]

Is your girlfriend having the abortion just so her parents will not find out? If that is the case maybe you could go with her to break the news. If she is your girlfriend and loves you it seems like she would be willing to have the baby and put it up for adoption just because you feel so strongly about not having an abortion. I must admit I am ProLife. You yourself know how profoundly your life was touched by your adopted friend. Have you shared that with her? I know all the pro-choice people say it is a woman's body and a womans decision but I disagree. She didnt get pregnant on her own and that baby is equally yours so I think you should have some say? That baby is a living being that shares your DNA. Some day when the child is grown she would have a chance(if she wanted)of having a relationship with this child. If she aborts that chance is gone. I hope others have more personal convincing ideas you can share with her. I'll pray this works out.

[blueyes113]

We haven't been matched with Birthparents yet, so I can't offer you an uplifting story. But I thought this comparison chart from our agency site might be a little bit of help. (I had to rearrange slightly because it didn't paste well.)

ADOPTION VS. ABORTION
Adoption: Your pregnancy ends with giving life Abortion: Your pregnancy ends with death
Adoption: You can feel good and positive about your choice Abortion: You may feel guilt and shame about your choice
Adoption: You will remember giving birth Abortion: You will remember taking a life
Adoption: You will have plenty of time to plan you and your baby's future Abortion: is final; you can't go back on your decision
Adoption: You can hold, name, and love your baby Abortion: You will never know or treasure your baby
Adoption: You can have continued contact with your baby Abortion: You will miss the opportunity to see your child develop

Good Luck!
I will keep you and your GF in my prayers.

[Support2Adopt]

My heart is just aching for you.

[wwjdmelissa]

Please go to the site where the "Silent Scream" is on the internet and you will see, and be able to show your girlfriend, what abortion does to an unborn child. This site totally amazed me the first time I saw it. It shows an abortion through an ultrasound. Just check it out for yourself. I'm sorry you are put in this situation. I was put in the same siutation 16 years ago and I'm so thankful that I didn't have an abortion. It was the hardest thing to tell my parents but in the end they were greatful to have a grandchild in this world that was the apple of their eye, and still is. God bless you for wanting to give this baby life.

[mallow]

I've known since I was 13 that I wouldn't have bio kids. I was young and knew I wanted to be a mom so it took a while for me to accept it. Now I'm 33 and in the waiting to be matched part of the process. I don't negatively judge those that have abortions but I would give anything in my power to have a baby to hold and love. To be able to give a child a wonderful life with someone like the people in this forum and bless them with such a gift would be such an amazing thing to do. My heart was broken at 13 and again recently when I matched for a newborn boy. Bmom changed her mind after he was born. I have to go through the county agency now because of my finances. I am in a place to be able to raise a child but can't afford a private or international adoption. That I almost had a newborn going through the county was a miracle! Anyway, I keep plugging along. Somewhere out there are my children who need me to be their mother. I believe that's why God made me want kids so much but why I am unable to have them myself.
BTW, I think you are a mature and amazing person to stand by your gf no matter what. My thoughts and prayers go out to both of you.
Becky

[sandymomof2]

I am both an adoptee and an adopting parent. I was adopted
at birth by the 2 most loving parents a kid could ever hope for.
Since I am now 45 years old, abortion was not a legal option
for my birth parents. I know very little about them since the
records are sealed, but do know that they were married to
other people and each had their own families. If abortion were
legal back then, they may have aborted me rather than have
their spouses/families find out what was going on between them.
All I can say is I'M GLAD THEY HAD ME and I am having a
wonderful life because of them! My aparents also ended
up adopting 2 more babies after me, and we are a very close
family.

My husband and I have been blessed with the opportunity to
adopt 2 girls when they were born. The oldest is now 3 and the
youngest is 8 months.
Each birthmom had a different scenario surrounding
the birth of their daughter and their relationship with the birthdad.
We met them and their families and know what a
difficult decision it was for them to make an adoption plan for
their baby. We still have contact with both bmoms but to
different degrees, because that is what they need/are
comfortable with at this point in their lives. Needless to say,
our daughters are the best thing that ever happened to us
and I can't imagine our life without them! I think of their
birthmoms every day, and am so grateful that they chose
adoption - and that they entrusted us to be the parents
for their beautiful girls!

Adoption has been a wonderful part of my life - both as a
child and as an adult.

Hope this story helps a little. My thoughts are with you
and your girlfriend.

Sandy

[hprestonalexand]

This may come across as harsh and I do not want to start an argument about adoption v/s abortion. I will tell you one thing I have said I don't know how many times over the years. I am so happy my mother didn't kill me. If she had, I would not have my husband, my son and my daughter, my mother and father, sisters and brothers, aunts and uncles, grandparents. I am adopted, I love my life, I WAS GIVEN ONE, GIVEN A CHANCE TO LIVE! She said she cannot stand the thought of someone else raising her child, can she live with killing it instead? I certainly don't want to offend anyone, this just hit me hard. I got to live!

[Kara J]

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers... I am the adoptive mother of a 2 year old son who is the absolute pride and joy of our lives. We are in a semi-open adoption with our son's birthfamily. We send them pictures and letters and phone them every now and then. We are open to much more contact, but at this time in their lives, they can't commit to much more than that. My point in telling you that is to say that there are MANY options with adoption and the degree of openess that you may choose.

You made the comment that you feel some sort of connection to this "entity" that doesn't really exist. Maybe that is how your GF feels. She may see it only as an entity that doesn't exist, but is lacking one thing that you have.... a connection. My mother does ultrasounds at one of the local hospitals and says that many people really don't realize how developed their child is at 6-7 weeks. They feel that because they are not very far along they are carrying only tissue. You may want to share this information with your GF and let her know that the entity is a BABY at 6 weeks... it has its own beating heart... it's head, mouth, liver, and intestines are there..... it has little hands and feet that look like paddles at this point and is just beginning to make its own movements even though she won't be able to feel them for about 10 more weeks. AT 7 weeks gestation the baby's eyes have a retina and lens and it even has it's own bloodtype at this point.

I hope this information may be able to help you. I will lift you both up in my prayers as well as your little one. You sound like a really teriffic man and your GF is really lucky to have you. I just pray that she will give you and your feelings as much consideration as you have given hers.

I will end on a story that isn't a very happy one, but true. My best friend had two abortions because she became pregnant when the time wasn't right for her. She felt at the time that it was her only option. Now that she is happily married and decided to have a child, she had a hard time because of an incompetant cervix. When you have an abortion, they force your cervix to open in order to remove the baby. After several times of being forced open, it becomes weak and the pressure of a baby can cause it to open on its own, therefore resulting in the loss of your baby. She was bedridden for over half of one pregnancy, and was fortunate enough to carry to term, but wasn't so lucky 2 years ago. She delivered a beautiful baby girl at 29 weeks who lived approximately 2 minutes, then died in her arms. She had to have a funeral and everything... that is somethingthat I pray your GF NEVER has to experience.... it was horrifying..... please just let her know that the aftermath of abortion can haunt you for MANY years to come, and when you are least expecting it!!!!

Love to all 3 of you..... and LOTS of prayers! ..... Kara

[Kara J]

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers... I am the adoptive mother of a 2 year old son who is the absolute pride and joy of our lives. We are in a semi-open adoption with our son's birthfamily. We send them pictures and letters and phone them every now and then. We are open to much more contact, but at this time in their lives, they can't commit to much more than that. My point in telling you that is to say that there are MANY options with adoption and the degree of openess that you may choose.

You made the comment that you feel some sort of connection to this "entity" that doesn't really exist. Maybe that is how your GF feels. She may see it only as an entity that doesn't exist, but is lacking one thing that you have.... a connection. My mother does ultrasounds at one of the local hospitals and says taht many people really don't realize how developed their child is at 6-7 weeks. They feel that because they are not very far along they are carrying only tissue. You may want to share this information with your GF and let her know that the entity is a BABY at 6 wees... it has its own beating heart... it's head, mouth, liver, and intestines are there..... it has little hands and feet that look like paddles at this point and is just beginning to make its own movements even though she won't be able to feel them for about 10 more weeks. AT 7 weeks gestation the baby's eyes have a retina and lens and it even has it's own bloodtype at this point.

I hope this information may be able to help you. I will lift you both up in my prayers as well as your little one. You sound like a really teriffic man and your GF is really lucky to have you. I just pray that she will give you and your feelings as much consideration as you have given hers.

I will end on a story that isn't a very happy one, but true. My best friend had two abortions because she became pregnant when the time wasn't right for her. She felt at the time that it was her only option. Now that she is happily married and decided to have a child, she had a hard time because of an incompetant cervix. When you have an abortion, they force your cervix to open in order to remove the baby. After several times of being forced open, it becomes weak and the pressure of a baby can cause it to open therefore resulting in the loss of your baby. She was bedridden for over half of one pregnancy, and was fortunate enough to carry to term, but wasn't so lucky 2 years ago. She delivered a beautiful baby girl at 29 weeks who lived approximately 2 minutes, then died in her arms. She had to have a funeral and everything... that is somethingthat I pray your GF NEVER has to experience.... it was horrifying..... please just let her know that the aftermath of abortion can haunt you for MANY years to come, and when you are least expecting it!!!!

Love to all 3 of you..... and LOTS of prayers! ..... Kara

[Colorbind love]

11 years ago this week, I was your girlfriend. I had been raped and found myself pregnant from that rape. Under no circumstances did I want to give birth to my rapist's child. My family had sent me far away to 'protect' me. And, I had been told that I could not come home as long as I was pregnant.

I lay on the table waiting for the doctor to begin the procedure and had steeled myself to not think about anything but to get it over with so that I could move on with my life. I remember that day quite clearly, though my thoughts and emotions were so muddled at the time.

The doctor came in and checked my uterus as she prepared to start the procedure. I was 8 weeks pregnant, and since this was an OBs office and not an abortion facility, they only did the procedure in their offices until the 9th week. After that, they did them in the hospital because of the increased risks of complications. When she palpated my uterus, she said I felt over 9 weeks pregnant. So, she stopped to get another doctor to come determine if my uterus felt larger. The second doctor came and confirmed her judgement. I argued that I could not be 9 weeks. I was raped and knew the precise date of conception. So, they wanted an ultrasound to confirm my dates before going any further.

As I walked out of that doctor's office, I knew that I could not go through with the procedure. I could not deny that there was a human being in there, a child, seperate from myself and determined to live. I had been hurt in a way no one should ever face. But, I didn't have the right to hurt another in a worse way, by ending her life before it began. It was 2 days before I could get the ultrasound to confirm my dates, which did exactly that. I wasn't off on my dates. I had been 8 weeks. But, that fluke changed my course.

I knew just as certainly that if I was choosing life for that child, then I was choosing adoption. I could not and would not parent that child. Yet, having that child forced me to think about her and not myself for all of those months. In retrospect, I probably would have killed myself during those months if I hadn't been carrying her. She probably saved my life. And, I went from wanting a closed adoption and wanting to walk away without ever knowing her, to realizing that I needed to know she was okay. I ended up placing her in a fully open adoption. And, I have huge amounts of contact with her. I last spoke to her a few days ago, when my own daughter wanted to talk to her so we called, as we often do. My daughter got a letter from her on Friday and needs to write her back. And, over the years I have realized that abortion was never going to be the easy out that I thought it was. I was going to live with her life whether I let her live or not.

Abortion isn't going to erase a pregnancy. Having lost 2 children to miscarriage now, I realize that nothing will erase the memory of a child, no matter how little their time with you might be. And, I can't offer you a surefire way to convince your girlfriend to choose another path. But, I can promise you not even abortion is going to give her an easy out. This child has been concieved. Right now, this child lives. And, she will carry the imprint this has made with her for the rest of her life, one way or another. Even women who never regret their abortions still remember them. If she thinks she can do it and forget it, then she is wrong. But, you can ask her to be sure this is the memory she wants to carry, and the emotions and feelings she wants to hold for the rest of her life.

I think its wonderful that you are standing beside her. I will warn you, from everything I have ever seen, when the couple is not fully in agreement on this decision, it usually ultimately destroys their relationship. I hope if she follows through on this decision that it is not the case for you. But, after desperately wanting to give this child life, I wonder if you won't harbor resentment towards her for not doing so. My prayers are with you at this time, either way. I know its not easy. I've been there.

[DianeS]

I have not had an abortion, but I did have a miscarriage - one that none of my family and friends (except my husband and 2 close friends) know about. It's one of the hardest things to do - go through life knowing something that important about myself, my life, and not EVER talking about it.

You see, my husband and I were rather newly married. We had been discussing starting a family, but knew we were not yet in a position to do so. Our family members were offering the unsolicited advice that we shouldn't start a family yet. (I have a very outspoken family when it comes to their opinions - they'll give them to you whether they think you need it or not!)

We switched birth control methods, and I became pregnant. We didn't tell anyone. Partly because the pregnancy was so new, but mainly because we didn't want to listen to them! The outrage, the annoying "don't you know how that happens" comments, the "how could you do this to us" comments - as if this really had anything to do with them! The comments about how we must be really young to make such a "dumb" decision - as if it were a decision! And actually, being in that situation made us *feel* even younger, as if somehow age and experience could have given us a way to have prevented the situation. Feeling that young really made us feel more vulnerable to the things we knew would be said. The family disappointment, judgement, and them thinking they could say what they wanted.

So we put off telling anybody. We were scared, it wasn't the best situation, but it wasn't the worst, either.

At the time, I was only working part time, and we were living in a fairly crappy apartment, and had only one car while saving money to buy a house. The pregnancy meant I was going to have to get a full-time job, ride the bus to work until we could afford a second car, and stay in that crappy apartment with the loud neighbors a lot longer than we intended because our saved money was now going to have to go to the baby. It meant we would probably have to apply for low-income daycare assistance. It meant my dreams of being a stay-at-home mom would be replaced with having to put a newborn into state-run daycare. Not as bad as perhaps what you're facing, but dreadful because it went against everything I thought was best. And I'd have to listen to our families judgements about those decisions, too! We'd be second-guessing our decisions for years, and so we kept quiet so we wouldn't have to listen to everyone else second-guessing our decisions, too.

And then it happened - I miscarried. I woke up one morning and all that was left of my pregnancy was blood. And we hadn't ever told anyone about it in the first place.

Who could I go to for support? To get support I'd have to start at the beginning - you can't seek support for a miscarriage without admitting you were pregnant first! I cried, and could not find a shoulder to cry on. I was weak and sick, and could not tell anyone why. I had doctors appointments, and could not admit which doctor I was seeing.

It involved much more hiding than I had imagined when I made the *simple* decision to not announce my pregnancy yet.

Yes, the bleeding ended, the feeling sick ended, the doctors appointments ended. But the hiding didn't.

To this day, in simple conversation I sometimes have to stop and remember to myself whether the person I'm speaking with is one who knows about my first pregnancy or not. Have I been pregnant 3 times or 4, to this person? Was my first pregnancy in 2000 or 2001, to this person? Does this person know why I saw Dr. Brown, or would my recommending her make this person ask how I know her?

Secrets are hard. They're hard at the time when you're making up reasons for having morning sickness. They're hard later when you're making up reasons for doctor's appointments and abdominal cramping. They're hard years later when you can never mention the thing that has turned out to be rather profound in your life - your first pregnancy. When I was pregnant the second time, it was really hard to listen to people tell me what to expect the first trimester, and pretend I hadn't already been through some of it. I had to nod and smile and say "oh really?" while inside I cringed, because I already knew everything they were saying.

The results of this pregnancy will not go away, no matter what course of action is decided upon and followed through with. Having an abortion because you think it's the right thing to do is ONE thing - having an abortion because you don't want to admit to the pregnancy is quite another. It ends the pregnancy, but can not do anything to end the experience of having been pregnant. It'll always be there. Secrets either come out, or they sit like a large rock inside you forever. Having to listen to my family and friends lambast my pregnancy for several weeks or months has been replaced by holding a secret inside me forever.

It's not the physical symptoms of having been pregnant that make it hard. Nor is it how long the pregnancy lasted. It's the simple knowledge that I have gone through something so very few people even know about. I was 7 weeks along when I miscarried. That was 4 years ago. And I still deal with the repurcussions from our decision to keep it secret.