[gatorfan]

I need some advice. I am a first time amom of a three month old. We have a semi-open adoption arrangement. In those three months we have been called twice by the agency to tell us there is either a letter or gift package for the baby. In addition the bmom wants me to call her b/c she is unhappy with the name we have chosen for our child(she asked us before birth what we were naming the child and we told her and she never said anything) and continues to write letters to the child using the name she originally chose and signing it with "all my love your dearest mommy". I really liked the bmom when we met and she even made it a point to tell us that she realized when she gave birth we would be the baby's parents. The bmom has refused post-placement counseling. I get very upset by these letters, packages b/c I feel like this is not what we agreed to with the semi-open adoption. I have provided her a lengthy letter and pictures at the req'd intervals as we agreed. I don't know what to do. I have made a lifebook for my child so they will have pictures& information about their birthfamily. I have a heavy heart as this makes me feel like I am merely a caretaker for this child and not their mommy. Please help.

[TRP]

I understand how you feel. It is hard to take ownership when the birthparents are signing "mommy and daddy." She is probably just really hurting and wondering/confused over what her role is with your child. Give her some time (maybe 6 months to a year)...if she continues to sign her letters like that just write her a letter telling her how much that hurts you and why. It would be best for the counselors at the agency to convey those thoughts and feelings but if she is refusing counseling then you will have to let her know yourself...but like I said, give her a little bit of time.

I remember needing some space the first 3-5 months...I really didn't want to get e-mails from them or calls. I wanted to feel like I WAS his mommy and didn't want that threatened in any way, shape or form...so I totally identify with you. My son's birthparents gave him gifts every single holiday (and lots of them!). On Christmas he got an entire box of stuff! I got a little concerned that this would continue forever and that the birthparents would outdo his grandparents and our gift giving...but the next year they only set stuff at his b-day and Christmas which I am much more comfortable with. I really do like it when they send stuff b/c I see their love for my son and I know my son will realize what neat people they are and how much they love/loved him. So, try not to be threatened by the gifts...but the signing of letters with "mommy" I think is inappropriate. Try to find a good time to let her know how hurtful it is to you and how confusing it might be to your child later on.

Hang in there...some of that stuff is so tough to sort through. You are not alone...Best wishes and congrats on your baby!!

[LoveRiddenDad]

It can be intimidating, but the situation is managable. I would call her, explain that the baby has adjusted to that name, and maybe discuss adding a special middle name the bmom likes. It sounds like she's grieving. Remember, just like you're a first time amom, she's probably a first time bmom. You're both new to your positions. It's good she writes letters, but I woud tell her that you prefer letters/ homemade gifts like scrapbooks and photo albums, things that make your daughter feel in touch with her roots. (You can never gather too much info: pictures of bmom at various ages, favorite bfamily recipes, bmom's favorite book/movie info).

As far as being called mommy, I think it's important to calmly and promptly address this. Maybe she could pick an alternate special name for the child to call her? Tell her it intimidates you! Be honest! Hope that helps.

[angela m thomas]

i think she is hurt badly. i know how she feels i gave my son up for adoption 8months ago. i also think later on down the road she wont send as much gifts. i think she is doing it now just trying to show how much she loves the baby and the letters her signing them love mommy well she is the bmother. i mean if you sent the child a letter im sure you would put love mommy you would not but love amom or your name. put the letters in a shoe box show them to the child when he/she gets older or show them to the child when you think it is the best time to tell he/she that he/she is adopted. i think it will help the child because he will know that the birth mom loves him greatly and she did what she did for the childs best intrest. the name change well she should have known. i named my child kyle and his aparents named him connor thats okay with me. it helped me to move on better that i named him even if thats not his name or even his middle name when he gets older i will tell him i gave him up for adoption because i loved him because he deserved more than i could give at the time. think about how she feels. think about how you would feel if you where her. give her time its not an easy thing to do to give your child up. how would you feel if you had to give the child up now back to the birthmom. she did carry the child for 9months. she needs lots of time to heal. i know for a fact.

[MelindaHarris]

Dear amom,

I am a birthmother and had a semi open adoption process. I recived letters every month for a year with a promise of more after the year was up. I know how hard it must be. I as the birthmother, hurt like you could never imagined unless you were a bmom. I did the oppsite, i got birthday presents and wrote countless letters, but i could never send them. it has been 9 years today and my sons are 11 and 9. yet i am sitting here hoping that the adoptive mother has posted something. the pain, loss, and guilt doesnt leave. however it does lighten up after time. i nolonger write letters and hide them and i reallyl ran out of room buying gifts and never sending them. I guess what i am telling you is give her some time to heal because she will be able to come to terms with what has happened. so keep the items she sends and place them in a box because someday your child will want to know who, what, were, why, and when. your child will search and if he/ she finds the bmom they will come back to you and ask why did you not save the letters and that child will feel hurt by you. as for her signing love mommy, it is hard to write a letter to a child you carried, gave birth to and loved and just sign your name. but you also have to remember that you are the mother, you adopted that child and you have the finail say. be happy that someone loved that child engouh not to have a abortion and to give the child to you. your child is a precious gift and sometimes the child is hard to let go of emotionlly. so please give the mother some time and enjoy your child.
p.s
i hope this response makes some sense, i know there are many typos it is just a rough day so if it came off a little harsh it is not ment to be

[julie23]

the word mommy is an informal form of mother... right? the dictionary says:

moth·er1 __ _P___Pronunciation Key__(mthr)
n.
A woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child.

sounds like she has a right to be called mommy....

I read on this forum somewhere.... "if a mother can love two children, why can't a child love two mothers?"

Adoption has more in common with Stepfamilies than adoptive parents like to acknowledge.

[MissyB9479]

I'm sad to hear that she has refused counseling because I think it is clear that she is hurting. The letters that she is writing at this point are more for herself since she knows the child is too young to read them or understand them. She may need more contact now to reassure her in her decision. Many times people will give what they need to be given; maybe she is writing so many letters because she wants you to write back more too.


Finally- you are not in a semi-open adoption for the benefit birthmother or yourself. This is for your child. Many adopted children have questions about their roots, yours is so lucky because when she asks these questions the answers will be only a letter away. As your child gets older she is going to love reading these letters because every child wants to feel like they were wanted, and that they were not an accident or mistake. When an adoption is closed, by either side, the child is the one who is most hurt.