[AddiMack]

We adopted our daughter 3 years ago. We had a great experience with the whole adoption process. We were at the hospital for the birth, the birthmother was/is great, we communicate through pictures. I would never change adopting my daughter, she has been a total angel baby to us. My question is even after 3 years do you ever stop thinking on a daily basis that my child is adopted? I love my daughter more than life its self but it seems like there is always something during a day that sets me off thinking...this is not my child...she's adopted...what is the birthmother doing now? ect? Things as simple as going to the dentist this week...I know nothing about her teeth. Some days it's just simple comments like she is so much like you. How can she be? Or when strangers make comments like she looks like you. I feel I need to tell them she is adopted and put them in their place. I feel everyone I come in contact with needs to know that she is adopted. Is this normal for me to think this way or I'm I just crazy? When will it end? By the way...it's only me that thinks this nothing ever bothers my husband!

[KathrynesMommy]

There was a time that I was like that. Whenever my son or daughter went to the pediatrician and they asked questions that I couldn't answer about their health history, or when I heard about someone giving birth, even the stupidest things set me off.

You eventually just think of them as being your own. Sometimes I forget they're adopted and think they're my biological children...either way, you love them unconditionally forever. I love my children.

[Brat]

Since we've only had our daughter five months, I can't tell you from personal experience if the "adoption obsession" subsides, but I can say that not a day that goes by that I don't think about the fact that she is adopted. Sometimes I'm happy about these thoughts--like this evening, when I was so amazed at how fortunate we are to have a "perfect" child LOL!--and sometimes I am not happy about them--such as when I am in a toy store pushing my daughter around in her stroller, blissfully, but then a pregnant woman walks by and I feel like a fake mommy.

My dh and I tell strangers she's adopted on a need-to-know basis. We used to shout it from the rooftops, but it's become a personal thing, because too many people can't handle the information, and we get exhausted from being educators. We're not ashamed, we're just a family, and it's not their business. I didn't ask them where their kid came from.

With our friends, though, we can't shut up about her adoption, her birthfamily, etc. They're fascinated, by the most part, and we're willing to deal w/the ignorant comments--most of the time--because the more they know, the less likely they'll be to make ignorant comments to my daughter when she's older.

I believe that one day, just like with my husband, the fact that she is not biologically related to me and yet is family will feel perfectly normal, because she is so much a part of my life. Just like I got used to being married, I'll get used to being a mom.

The thing is, constantly remembering she is adopted has zero impact on how crazy I am about her. I'm wrapped around her tiny finger, and I can't let go.

[2boyz1girl]

I wonder if this is more of an issue in open adoptions? I used to think more about it than I do now. I think I'm a little more paranoid because she doesn't look like me. I'm 1/2 Mexican, and have two rather tan bio-sons, my girly is quite fair. My dh is blonde haired, blue eyed, so we always get comments that she looks like her Daddy, and we just smile and say "thank you". But I'm always wondering what people are thinking when they see me with her w/o my hubby. I've had people ask if they are all mine, and I say "yes". I only volunteer that she is adopted if I feel like it is appropriate to do so -- not just to a nosy stranger. For the most part though, it doesn't bother me too much. I felt from the first time I held her in my arms that she was meant to be mine, and it didn't matter how she came to me. I've also had two biological children, and the bonding was the same, (believe me Brat, pregnancy is not all it's cracked up to be ) so I think that helped me accept that she is "mine". We've had to fight though (we're adopting her through foster care), so I always thought that may have added to my insecurities. My biggest concern with her being adopted is just if I will handle the whole issue the best way possible for her -- that, I do worry about every day.

I don't think many things do bother men!

[Liepolds]

that she evntually forgot we were adopted! I mean, you never forget, but, she said that a time came when she and my Dad just knew we were theirs.

My Mom even told me that once a friend asked if she ever regretted not having her own child and my mom replied, "I do have my own children! I would never take back getting my kids, then I would never have them"

I think that is a great outlook. I know with the way I was raised, that when we adopt I will feel the same way.

Best of luck to you. I am sure that point will come to you as well. Everyones thought process is different. I am sure you will get there.

Kim

[Brat]

I can't believe my daughter's mine. My husband and I have always been told, "You two will have an awesome, cute kid." Well. Now we do. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. What if we'd pursued treatment? I shudder to think of having any baby but this one, and I don't find our genes to be superior. Like 2boys1girl said, it's as though she was meant to be ours. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because I can't believe how lucky we are that God chose us to be her parents.

Like 2boyz mentioned, I think some of my insecurities may have to do w/open adoption, but it's too early to tell. I think of my daughter's bmom everyday, and I don't want to stop...but then, you know, there's that feeling that creeps up of not feeling "real." Hopefully that will subside. I love to talk to my daughter's bmom, hearing the relief in her voice when she hears all is well, and her laughter at the funny things our daughter does. But there's always that tinge of feeling as though I am reporting to her, and it makes me feel inferior. I know it's got to be so much harder for her, so I suck it up. Still, when I get those feelings of having to pass muster at odd points during the day, well it does remind me, in a negative sense, of adoption. The flip side, though, is that knowing my daughter's bmom is fine with my mothering, that she trusts me, is a validation that no one else can give. When I know she's OK with me, it makes me feel more OK with me. If our adoption were not open, I'd never know.

Of course, if her bmom had been abusive or neglectful, our relationship, and my viewpoints on her opinion would be totally different...

Beyond openness, the process can do a number on you, depending upon on the specifics of your adoption. When I held my daughter for the first time, I did not attach to her immediately, quite intentionally, due to the circumstances. We waited for weeks before she was released, guarding our hearts. Once she was placed with us, and consent was signed, she was our daughter in our hearts--with 30 days of potential consent revokation hanging over our heads.

That does a number on you! She's mine...she's not mine...but she is....

How do you turn off that broken record? The volume is way low, almost imperceptible, but the vinyl keeps spinning in that same crooked groove.

Well, to rub my hand over this little one's head, and see her smile every day, I can deal with the volume at full blast at times. I don't want to, but I can.

[LoveRiddenDad]

I think you have to change your definition of "daughter" when it comes to adoption. Biologically, she is not your daughter. In a purely existentialist sense, she is TOTALLY your daughter. Isn't it strange how someone can be and not be your child at the same time? My children seem to be my children, and that's all I can say. Biology doesn't mean anyone who doesn't share my exact DNA can't act or look like me. I think you have to make peace with the idea that we can't totally understand genetics, so why worry? She seems to be your child!

[clion]

I was adopted and my mother always said that the fact I was adopted didn't make me any less her daughter. I have no idea when I was first told I was adopted, I just always knew that my birthmother had loved me very much but because of circumstances beyond her control wasn't able to keep me.
Mother and Daddy used to share a secret smile with me when people would say I looked more like my mother's mother than she did. It was true because she favored her dad. But it was our special inside joke if you may when I was compared to Grandmama.
I think knew in their hearts I was adopted but it wasn't an issue with them in their daily lives. I was very blessed to be adopted by such discerning parents.

[AddiMack]

Thanks everyone for all your great words of encouragement. I know the day will come. I just thought it would be sooner than still wondering at 3 years old. Thanks again to everyone!

[manon]

I still think about my baby's birth mother every day, and my little girl has been home with me almost a year now (she's about to turn 3 yrs old). I read a quote that referred to the birth mother as the adoptive mother's "shadow sister" and that rang true to me. I can't imagine there will be a time when I don't think about it at least a little bit every day. Maybe if I had bio kids too it would be different; I don't know.

Sometimes people do tell me we look so much alike that we could be bio mom & daughter. One of my friends replied (in my presence) to one of those remarks once by saying "Her little girl got her good looks from her birth mom, but she got her smile from her adoptive mom." I thought that was really the sweetest thing to say, and actually pretty true.

Usually when I think about the fact that she's adopted, it's in the context of marvelling at her athletic ability, or hoping that she won't be cursed with migraines or depression like I am, or that maybe she'll have good teeth, or maybe she'll turn out to be tall instetad of short.

[KathrynesMommy]

You have to think about the birth mother, after all, she's the one who gave you the chance to have such a great daughter or son.

I pray for the birthmothers that gave me my son and two daughters. They blessed me with the three most wonderful children ever.

[lisa in venice]

I don't think it's a question of when you stop thinking of them as adopted, I think it is a question of when it stops mattering. Like LoveRiddenDad said, it is an existentialist question.

My children are adopted AND they are mine at the same time. They have a biological history that is different from mine AND they are my family. I am not sure if openness has anything to do with it because I acutally wonder more about my children's birth parents in the closed adoptions, in the open one I just call and check in or just to chat and report something cute the kids are doing.

I think you may be struggling with your sense of entitlement. The feeling that you deserve to parent a child that is not biologiaclly yours. That is not something I struggles with (I struggled with many things in our adoption process but that is not one) so I can't really advise you Maybe becasue I grew up with lots of chilren who were raised by people who were not their biological relatives and I saw first hand how "real" their parents were. Maybe you should think about why you are not feeling entitled. Are there lingering IF issues? Are you uncomfortable with your level of contact with the birth family? Is here guilt over having the privilge of raising this child instead of the birth family? Maybe it is just time.

lisa

[mlb]

We don't forget that our son was adopted, we just embrace that as being part of our family history. I am not shy about the fact that he is adopted, but bring it up only when I feel it is appropriate.
We have a group of friends that we have known for years. Ironically enough, many of us have adopted as a result of fertility issues. We talk very openly about adoption and I think it helps our children to identify with each other.

[abbiejane]

I remember reading an article in Parenting magazine just a few weeks before our little boy was born. I was devouring everything I could about rearing children and this particular article was about food allergies. The article mentioned the main thing that could determine if a child might have food allergies was if the mom had food allergies. I kind of shook my head at that one and kept reading, but it was the kind of fake reading where you are glossing over the words and thinking about something else. I just couldn't figure out why my food allergies would have anything to do with my little boy having allergies. It's not like they are catchy. I was literally several pages away when it hit me--the allergies might be passed on IF I WAS GIVING BIRTH! I couldn't believe that I had been so dense. It was then that I realized that this is how I have babies--this is how I do it. And even at a very subconcious level I was okay with that.

Every day I have moments where I have to remind myself that he was adopted--it seems like I have never been without him, and while I don't get confused and think I gave birth to him, his entrance into our family couldn't have been more natural.

At the same time, I think about my son's birth mom every day, and I imagine that I will always think of her. But again, that's just my version of natural. That's just how it is for me--my son has a birth mom out there, and I can't ever not wonder about her or not pray for her. I wouldn't want to. I assume that people with biological children have their version of normal--and there's surely a wide range of that--and this is mine.

I spent quite a bit of time during our wait, trying to figure out how to make it all normal. Normal is what you make it. I hope that you find peace and "normalcy" with your little one.

[joby]

This isn't quite a direct answer, but it is a telling bit about how people come to view adopted folks.

When my husband and I first attended our training classes (we're adopting through foster care, too!) the first question they asked us was, "Do you know anyone who is adopted?"

My husband and I just kinda looked at each other with a dumb expression and shook our heads while we listened to others tell their tales.

THEN....it hit us like a TON of bricks....

While writing our autobigraphies and telling how we grew up, my husband had to include that one of his grandfathers to whom he was very very close wasn't his actual grandfather (it was during the course of a particular story.) Then we just sort of looked at each other with that same dumb expression again while we talked through the fact that both of his parents were adopted.

DUH DUH DUH~!!!

Yep. Both of them!!!

They were adoted at young ages by step-fathers who ended up raising them after their biological spouses passed away a few years later. Both of his parents were raised by men who were not their biological fathers.

All these years, it's never been an issues. My in-laws never talked about themselves as adotped. They talked about thier families a LOT though. Over the years, they just stopped thinking about their dads as being anything but DAD....not ADOTPED dad.

Our case worker just giggled at us when we told her. She thought it was a good start to the process.

So even if YOU don't ever stop thinking about your child being your "adopted child," there will be a day when the rest of the world (their kids, their friends, themselves) will likely never know....and it won't evern matter.

Joby