[ACR]

Well, it's finally happened. My 14 year-old son was adopted at birth and has always known about his adoption. Over the years, he has had a few questions in regard to his birthmother (never about a birthfather) which my husband and I have always answered openly and honestly. We have always been a close family.

Yesterday, we had to give my son a serious consequence (took away a planned party) because we found marijuana in his room (this isn't the first time). Despite the fact that we have emphasized to him all the dangers and illegality of any drug including pot, he and his friends continue to use it on occasion. Because he broke our house rules (not to mention the law) we gave him the consequence. As a result, he was very angry, and for the first time (except once when he was much younger) came out with the "You're not my REAL Mom" thing. It hurt when he was younger, but I found it easier to deal with at the time. I'm having a harder time now as my son is almost 15 and is very much aware how much this comment has the potential to hurt. I understand that that was his goal-- he was very angry with me, because of the party as well as the fact that I relayed some of the unacceptable language he used to me during the course of the rather stormy day we had to my husband which he sees as a a betrayal whenever this happens.

So, my question is-- How do I effectively deal with this? I am so angry and hurt that I feel like either having my own tantrum and/or completely withdrawing from my son. However, I don't want to lower myself to a teenage level nor do I want to give his hateful comment much power by reacting to it too much. Please help! We had planned a shopping trip today, and I just don't think I can spend time with my son right now...

[imarkit]

Hello there,

I went through this with my mom. When I couldnt manipulater her the way I wanted I just pulled out the old "Youre not my real mom" card. I am sure it hurt her. When you are young you struggle for any power to speak for yourself. Usually as a kid they are so introspective that the world outside their struggle doesnt really exist or matter. He will grow up to be a man soon. He will lose his first friend someday soon. He will soon know what the world really has to offer. Only if you showed him that you loved him so much when he was struggling, the chances he will be a prodigal son are so much greater. Its the only thing that kept me on the right track when I became older. Good Luck, Mark

[LoveRiddenDad]

You'll probably get some GREAT replies on here and I won't steal any ideas I've seen previously. However, I do have an idea since he's slightly older than my own kids. I don't know how familiar with quantum physics you are, but basically, if he's interested in proving you're not his "real mom," he can reasonably more you're nothing more than a hologram and not a real mom! There's a good copy of Scientific American on the shelves now. If he's looking for an alternate state of mind and relaxation, stimulating his left brain (not done often in schools of any sort) will definately make him feel high. (I'm pretty serious.) Also, rather than fighting about the definitition of "mom," I recommend for both your sakes doing something relaxing (which is why people smoke grass). I'm a fan of getting high off yoga. (You really do experience strange brain sensations.) Things like practicing headstands literally can turn a mood upside down! Fit TV has a show called "Breathing Space" at 2:30 and 5:30 EST. It's good for beginners and it will do both of you good.

I don't think you have a bad, subversive kid. Most teenagers are snippy and most smoke pot. While you don't like it, don't go into a panic. If either of the things I suggest work, let me know!

[BlueMommy]

I have no direct experience, I apologize, but I will try and help.

You need to explain to your son that he can hurt you, but it will not make you any less his mom. In fact, the only reason you don't kick his fanny to the curb for all of the transgressions is because you are his mom. You stand by him through the good and the bad. Who else does that for you but your mom.

It is the unconditional love you had for him in your heart that you shared the very first time you held him.

I would cancel the trip today and maybe go later this weekend to give yourself some space. Instead tell him to stay home in a stripped down room, no TV computer etc, and you go out to lunch with a friend or to a movie. Take some time and space and tell him you want to speak to him this evening and that he better be prepared for a serious discussion about life.

Life is only made better by the people who know, love and support us. He needs to be told (better than shown) that life without that love and support can be cruel and lonely.

Good luck!!

[lucyjoy]

My twins did this to me a couple weeks ago and I was suprised by how much it stung(their 15). They were also very angry.

This is not the first time this has happened with various kids and I've done different things. This time, I was simply honest about how I felt. I told them that I understood they were angry, but it was very hurtful to me that anytime they didn't get their own way, I was suddenly a useless nobody to them.

I've asked them what a real mother is or waited for them to ask me something and told them "sorry, fake moms don't do that"

I've acted shocked and said "Really? What did you do to my kid?"
or "does that make you a fake kid?"

I also explained to a teen once that all teens get angry at their parents and have times when they hate them and it has nothing to do with being adopted.

I've also asked them if I'm not their real mom, where is she?(my kids were adopted older and the child I said this too knows where his bmom is and wants nothing to do with her. He trades the real mom thing back and forth to whichever he's mad at that day. Careful about using this one)

Don't withdraw, this has nothing to do with you or even being adopted. He was angry and struck you where it hurts. It's unfair, and when he's calm, talk to him about it.

I would also consider drug rehab/therapy before he gets arrested. He needs to understand that even pot can have real consequences as it is illegal.

[LouiseT]

I'm sorry I don't have a real answer for you. I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. I am an adoptee. I never actually said that to my mom, but I think some adopted kids wonder what their life would have been like had they remained with their birthmother. The grass always seems greener...but then again a lot of non-adopted kids also sometimes wish they had different parents. It just hurts more to hear the words he said.

I guess what I would do is explain to him that , yes, you are his REAL mom. You were the one who was there since he was a baby caring for his every need. And you are discipling him the way a real mother should. He may not have come from your belly, but he came from your heart, and I would definitely let him know that you were hurt by what he said. He should know that he can't use the "you're not my real mom" line whenever the heat gets too high, and he doesn't have any other excuse for his bad behavior. That's a cop out. Sounds like he knew he had no other defense for what he did, so he tried to channel the discussion in a different direction.

I'm sure things will work out. I wish you all the best.

Louise

[lucyjoy]

I've had my kids stand on their heads when their not concentrating well and it does work(They think it's funny). Not sure as teens they'd still do it though.

Yoga does help for me, but the kids(except the 7 year old)think it's weird.

[Dawson314]

i understand how you feel. i have a 5 year old who tells me he hates me, wish's i was dead and it hurts no matter if your there real mama are not. i am his mother b mother at that. after my son is done i sit him down and tell him i know your mad at me but what you said really hurt me. It hurts but i love him and know he don't mean it.

Maybe you should let him know how you feel. I feel you should all way talk to your kid's about how you feel. Maybe ever think of putting him in a program for his drug problem

I hope i have helped good luck

[kiwi]

I just wanted to tell you that I was adopted by my step-dad and though I never remember telling him something like that, I do remember getting mad at my mom (probably for punishing me deservedly) and saying "fine, then you're not my mom anymore!" She did something like lucyjoy said and wouldn't do any "momish" things for me for a day.

[lisa in venice]

So far I have only heard that comment once and it was from my oldest ds when he was very angry and very 7. My response was probably not an example of taking th moral high road but I said "I'm what you got, so deal with it". He is now fifteen and so far I have never dealt with anything like that again.

Maybe my kids don't push that button because it doesn't hurt me. I know I am mom and no pissed off kid is goning to tell me other wise. I have heard "I hate you" and "I want another mom" and"I won't ever speak to me again" but I just chalk it up to them being in th moment and not really meaning it.

Sorry you are going thru this.

lisa

[ACR]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I've got a lot to consider (although I may draw the line at standing on my head...at my age, that wouldn't be a pretty sight).

I'm going through all kinds of scenarios and responses in my head right now including many of your suggestions. I'm really concerned about keeping our parent/child relationship firmly in mind, or I'll find myself regressing to his level which I don't think is good.

I think, as someone suggested, I need to take a break to mull all this over before I respond. The shopping trip is definitely off until I'm feeling like more of a "real mom"...

[aspenhall]

My brothers were heavily involved in pot and when I finally got my parents to believe me (2 yrs later) There was no consequence. They protected them from any reprocussions and it made the situation worse until they were dealing on a very large level and getting other kids hooked. Me and DH discussed this and decided Our kids would get one chance to quit and then We'd do random testing. No contact with those friends. If it persisted, we'd call the authorities on them and their friends. I have seen what will happen if there is never a consequence. If you never fall then you just keep getting bolder and bolder and going farther and faster. Most kids don't use pot. That is a BIG misconception. And those who do, MOST don't stop there. Pot leads to harder drugs. PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF THEIR FUTURE COME DOWN HARD ON THEM NOW WHILE IT CAN MATTER TO THEM. One brother ended up in jail. My mom bailed him out after only 7 hours. I would have left him there. They also both dropped out of school. LUCKILY jail is finally the thing that scared that one straight. Because their choices were unchallenged for so long, they are all now headed towards being 30 and still living at home no job playing video games all day. The teenage years is where they become the people they'll be as adults. My brothers are very loving, sweet, decent people. But you wouldn't know it when they're using. It is a myth to think that pot is harmless. Find out who his supplier is and turn him in!

[stacyone]

You've had some great ideas here. My snappy comeback would probably be, "Oh yeah? Well, you're grounded. Am I real now?"

My cousin's son said something like that to her once. She said, "If you want to talk about your birthmother, we can do that later. Right now we're talking about ______."

And I'd listen to Aspen. I've known her for a while... she's a pretty smart cookie.

[HappyMomAnna]

The way I see it:

Your son has been busted (not the first time) for doing something that is not only wrong in your home but illegal and unhealthy in general..... In this situation the NORMAL responce of a teenager is to hit us right where it hurts...and he has succeeded very well again....As you appear to be hurt and upset by this Trump Card he carries and all the energy you have is now wrapped up in the whole Not his Real mom talk instead of the fact that HE IS ACTING IN A DANGERIOUS WAY.

Teenagers are amazingly great at what I call "Table Turning" Diversion and trick tactics to change the whole situation from HIS WRONG choice and actions to the core of your heart and attacked one of your most deepest fears....that our child might reject us.

Had he not been adopted he might have pointed out something else some other weak point you have... Whatever would get you off his back and thinking you are somehow less of a parent and therefore have no right to even question his choice to use pot....
This is what TEENS do when they are cornered or caught it is a natural reaction He just has a little more ammunition to launch at you.

The fact is It does not matter who his REAL mother is. A good mother would be concerned and a good mother would have responded the same way you did. Who gave birth to him has nothing to do with the choice he has made to smoke dope and lie to your face and sneak around behind your back....

This is the time and the age that we as parents have to demonstrate that the Choices we all make have an effect on our lives.... PERIOD.

You are not interested in visiting him in Jail or in dealing with the problems that could very well come from a child who has decided to break the law. I would not allow him to change the subject the fact is he could have been born to ANYONE and that would not change the fact that he is breaking the law and putting your family at risk for legal problems.

[stacyone]

Hey, Anna! We cross-posted! Long time no see... how are you?