[ACR]

Aspen, I understand exactly where your're coming from.

However, my husband and I both enjoyed pot in our late teens and 20's as did most of our friends, and none of us went on to other drugs and are all solid, non-drug-using citizens. HOWEVER, we were adults choosing to ignore the law against pot-- not 14 year-old children who should be concentrating on getting an education.

Thus, we have made it quite clear to our son that marijuana use is not acceptable, and, when we suspect he is doing so, there will be a consequence. This is why he lost the back-to-school party he and his friends were looking forward to.

We will not drug test him at this point as we feel it solves nothing. However, that may change before he is allowed behind the wheel of a car when that day comes. Until then, we will continue to talk and confiscate any pot we may find and use consequences. If he gets caught and taken to a facility at some point, we will let him handle that consequence as well.

That said, his pot use is probably on a once every-couple-of-weeks basis, and his neighborhood friends the same. I'm afraid the use is very wide spread where we are-- a very nice, middle-to-upper-middle-class area. They have all been taught in school how dangerous pot is, but they don't believe it, having tried it and discovered it is "fun" . I feel like we're fighting a losing battle...

[HappyMomAnna]

Hi Stacy--long summer and lots going on!!!! Great to bump into you hope things are going well for you

[HappyMomAnna]

ACR--when we were younger things were DIFFERENT! The quality of weed was way less then it is today...and the punishments we recievec with the law was much different...

I remember once going to the Drive In movies which was owned by the county Sheriff and we actually tossed out an empty beer can we shared.... The Seriff just leaned in the window and gave it back told us where the trash can was and said Not to ever let him catch us with booze again.... TODAY we would have been arrested.

When I went to High School there was an AREA for students who smoked and it was all cool....This year at the Firework show at the High School it was announced more then five times that WE were on Public School Property and the ZERO tolerance laws applied even adults found to have a ciggirett on their person would face a $500.00 fine!

Our causal dabbling with weed in the past at 18--20 --or 25 did not lead to harder drugs but, today kids who are already smoking pot at 14 will face much more then we even imagined in the way of peer preasure.... There are substances that you and I could not even imagine out there now...the access is so much easier then when we were young....

I would not campare apples and oranges....what you and I did on the weekends in college is far different then our young high school children getting into it now...

Just My oppinion....

[ACR]

Anna, what a brilliant post!

You are absolutely right. He certainly did shift the entire focus away from the pot. I guess I was just bamboozled because it was so unexpected-- he is generally a very loving kid.

In thinking back, I believe the only other time he did the "Your're not my real Mom" thing was when his little fanny was on the line for something and he was feeling sorry for himself. As I recall, he told me that living in a cardboard box somewhere was preferable to home...

Just for the record, we don't take the pot issue lightly. I am very concerned that, because he is aware that his birthmother was (and very well may still be) involved in drugs, that the normal process teenagers go through in pulling away from their parents may lead him to try to live down to that level as rebellion against the values he has been raised with.

In the meantime, we continue to talk to him about drug use and give strong consequences on the rare occasions we have suspected or found evidence of such.

[aspenhall]

You shouldn't have to prove your point to him. Random drug testing with consequences for a positive test may be enough to deter him. What do you mean IF HE GETS CAUGHT.....haven't you caught him? I still think that a harsh penalty now is better than waiting till "it gets serious"....... It's illegal, it's serious now and pot use inhibits his ability to make good decisions. MYSELF, At the point you found pot in his room I would have called the authorities and had him taken to a facility myself. Are you waiting until it will go on his permanent record? There should be no battle. Only choice and consequences. Good choice, good results, bad choice bad results. Teenage yrs are the BEST TIME TO LEARN THIS very important life lesson. I can't believe he is using only as often as you said. That's just all you've been able to prove he's been using. I'm sure there are many cases where pot use didn't lead to more....just like many people drive drunk and never get caught or hurt anybody. Point is, using increases those chances dramatically. He is learning a lesson with every experience. What is he learning??? That mild pot use is no biggie. You need to make sure that what these years teach him is how things really are.

Who are his friends parents, do they know about the use? My brother and his friends would get some of their pot from his friends mom...WITH HER PERMISSION and using right alongside them.

[ACR]

Anna,

Hmmmm. I have heard that the pot the kids do is much different than what we did and times have changed. We have about 15 teenagers around my son's age (14) in our neighborhood, boys and girls. They all have tried at least pot. One girl has been suspended for buying a prescription drugs in middle school, and another has tried Ecstacy. It's very scary.

I'm not sure if much has changed as far as the law, however. My brother-in-law (30 year veteran police captain) told me that one of the reasons the kids are so comfortable doing pot is that they are aware that no legal action will be taken against them if they are found with a small amount of pot (other than suspension at school as we have zero tolerance here too).

I'm not sure what the answer is...

[ACR]

Aspen,

I meant, if he gets caught outside our home with pot. If so, he knows he will face a possible arrest, and he will have to deal with that. He also knows that, if we even suspect use at home, there will be a strong consequence.

You may be right that he's doing pot more than we think. However, he isn't very good at hiding it and I'm fairly certain that I know when he's been at it. So far, there has been no change as far as getting to school and getting decent grades, sports, and other activities, so I'm using that as a guide.

[shaneysmom]

Hi all,
Just wanted to point out that some dealers are now spiking pot with cocaine and other things. So you may think that it is not so bad but actually it is much worst.

Ganja addiction opens the doorway to other addictions - that is a fact. Many people do not realize that if kids they have an addictive personality or a bio-family history of addiction (even alcohol addiotion) they may be at extreme risk for moving on from pot to other drugs. Also using pot may exacerbate other mental issues - their symptoms may suddenly show up or get worst.

I would say that for all you are telling your son to quit you need to do more. Show him where he may end up (there are programs that can show him where people who make that choice can end up you can even ask you BIL to show him the morgue where many drug addicts may end up or have him volunteer at the homeless shelter so he can deal with some people who have hit rockbottom), get him into therapy if you think that is is his knowledge of his biomom's addiction that is leading him down this path. Getting to him jerk him out of his comfortable knowledge that you will do nothing really shocking to him is the key - all the talking in the world won't stop him. All it is doing is making him better at hiding his evidence.

I am glad that you realize that he was just using the words to distract you from what is really at issue.

I am praying for your family.

[rights]

If you are not his real mom, does that mean that you don't have to: give him money, buy his school clothes, furnish food for him to eat, give him rides, give his friends rides, etc...

I would not pass up the chance, everytime he ask for something, I would ask him, "Wait, am I your Real Mom?" Maybe that way he will get sick of that, all will lighten up, and he will quit trying to pull that. Please, don't let one immature comment ruin the great relationship that you have with him.

Oh yeah, let him feel your arm and then ask him if you feel real to him.

[LoveRiddenDad]

It is true they're lacing pot with different kinds of speed, and most kids don't check it or don't care. A huge problem with certain drugs is actually having it laced with poison. Also, you said that you weren't concerned as his grades weren't dropping... I'll boldly say that I was an old pothead from back in the day, and frankly, my grades never dropped either. Pure pot is rarely a noticable problem. In America, pot is a gateway drug because most dealers who deal in it also deal harder drugs and are trying to get you hooked onto that. (Useful info to know if your kid brings up the "but it's legal in the Netherlands" bit.) I would have him drug tested; you can even order stuff to your house, but I'd be more on the lookout for meth, commonly found in pot and FAR worse.

[HappyMomAnna]

I am not sure I would keep making an issue out of the 'Real Mom" issue with him...... and I am sure I wouldn't be too sarcastic about it.... clearly he is dealing with some issues...usually young people drawn to drugs are. My ex-husband was a new born adoption and had both drug and attachment problems and parents who were very sarcastic to his feelings about being a REAL member of the family....these feelings are even passed down to my own children who feel they are not actually scotish because their father isn't REALLY...

My way to respond to the the REAL mom remark would be to wait until he is calmed down from his being caught and in trouble and have that talk (again) about the REAL LOVE you feel fro him...the REAL dreams you have for him and the REAL fear his drug usages in causing for you...... There really is no replacement for REAL Love and there are possiblities that talking to him on a deep level might help him let you know what he is REALLY FEELING...

[Shortie2518]

Hi there,

I am an adoptee adult now, and i remember the first time I said that to my mom. And as soon as i said it i was so sad. Its just an easy way to make you hurt, Please don't let it get you down. We Adoptee's need all the love we can get. I know that I love my mom and dad with all my heart. I know that they love me and my son just the same as their Bio. kids. And as far as the pot stuff going on see if your State has the Scared Straight program and If they don't call Juvenille hall and see if they do tours for kids and then he can see where he is going to be heading if he contiues. I plan on taking my son when hes old enough to do the same thing. It's tough love but i hope it will let him see where trouble will take him. Keep your chin up. I know that your son was just upset. God bless and best of luck. And thank you for adopting i know i am greatful for my mom and dad He will be in the long run too.

[LoveRiddenDad]

Originally posted by lucyjoy
I've had my kids stand on their heads when their not concentrating well and it does work(They think it's funny). Not sure as teens they'd still do it though.

Yoga does help for me, but the kids(except the 7 year old)think it's weird.

Agreed, teens will think it's weird! But if you can convince them, standing on your head, or simply lying your head on the ground to reconnect with the earth seems to turn your energy upside down and totally alter your mood. The hard part is getting them to do it!

[ACR]

Thank you all so much for all the thoughtful replies. I really appreciate them!

As far as the "real Mom" thing, he came in the next morning and apologized. I know he was feeling angry about having to accpet what he felt were harsh consequences for the pot issue, and he retaliated in the most hurtful way. He has ADD and can be impulsive, particulary verbally, at times.

I remember hating my parents (bio) and wishing I had others at times in my life, and I know this is the same thing. We've always been very close, and he's always honest with me (at some point), and this incident won't change that.

As far as drug testing, and visits to prisons and morgues, we have been advised by professionals not to go that route-- to let outside sources be the "bad guys", i.e. school authorities, police, etc., if necessary and keep our relationship intact by being his concerned, loving parents who are firmly against drugs and will give him consequences for breaking our family rules. And, God forbid, we will remain so, even if we have to watch him being taken away in the back of a police car one day. He has self-esteem issues steming from struggles in school and team sports (something that is very important to him) because of his attentional difficulties (he has an above-average IQ but isn't able to consistently perform up to that level). We have been told that making too much of his occasional use of pot (at this point anyway) may backfire by showing him that, although he doesn't get the recognition from his teachers, peers, coaches, etc. for being an excellent student, good athlete, etc., he can certainly get the attention from everyone by being a "good" pothead.

I'm sure many of you won't agree with this, and, believe me, it's the hardest thing my husband and I have ever done-- trying to stay calm while we simply remind him that pot is illegal, against our family rules, and is distracting him from what should be his first priority at this time in his life-- getting a good education. during the only time in his life that a good education is free to him. However, it's working so far so we plan on continuing in this manner for the time being. The decision to not use drugs has to be up to him.

[lucyjoy]

I don't mean to be rude or negative, but that's like saying if he goes to a store and steals something, you tell him not to, but don't take it back or tell the store. He does it again and only you know so you tell him its against the rules and the law-but do nothing but ground him. Your child is putting poisen in his body and you are scolding him. It's not enough. Yes, letting the law deal with it is a love and logic thing but you would report it to authorities.