[mommyblessedx3]

I'm new here. I just joined. I need some advice from people in my shoes who understand.
A brief history: We were state foster parents for several years. M and K (siblings) came to us in November 2000 when M was almost 4 and K was less than a month old. K came with broken ribs . The abuse that M suffered for the first years of his life was terrible. When he came to us if he was in the same room with you and you changed the tone of your voice during normal conversation he would start to tremble. He would never make eye contact. He had horrible nightmares. The first 4th of July we started setting off fireworks and suddenly M was missing. we couldn't find him anywhere. After several minutes I found him cowered/hiding under the front of the truck. So when he first came he was very fragile emotionally and mentally. He was diagnosed with post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The next 1 1/2 years we spent working with child protective services and the birth parents trying to get these kids back into the birth parents home. There was several months that the kids would spend weekends with the birthparents. Then the dad beat up the mom and went to jail (he is now in prison). She wouldnt work to keep a place to live for the kids and she wouldnt leave the dad so CPS started termination procedings. The parents fought it. It dragged on...finaly the parents lawyers told them that they would definately lose thier rights if it went to court so they decided to relinquish thier rights but only if my husbad and I would be allowed to adopt them since they had been with us 2 years at that point. So they relinquished and we adopted M and K in March of last year.
I have only seen the Birthmom once since then. I ran into her in town. She glared at me with dagger eyes and just asked how the kids were. I told her they were doing good and made the excuse to hurry on into the public restroom I was headed to when we saw each other. When I came out she was gone. I have had no contact with her since then (a yr ogo).
Until a few days ago I opened my mail box to find a envelope from CPS. Inside was a letter addressed to my husband and I. I opened it up to find a letter from the birthmom to M who is now 7.
She just wrote how she misses him and K and how she hopes he is doing good in school, is he playing sports, how she still has the necklace he gave her at their "goodbye" visit etc, etc. , the only thing that really bothered me about the letter was that she said 3 or 4 times in the letter for him to ask me if he could write to her and send pictures.
I talked to my husband about it and he doesn't want M to have any contact or anything (letter writting) until M is about 15. Also, he doesn't think we need to send pictures or anything. Basically he wants to put the letter up and ignore it until M is 15. I'm not sure what I think is right. That is why I am here. I know I think waiting until 15 is a bad idea because teen years are so hard. M knows he's adopted anyways. I'm finding it very hard to just ignore the letter. What I'm thinking is best is to just send some pictures (from me) with no letter. Then sometimes I think that I want to write her a letter and tell her what a hard time M has had the first couple years that we had him and how after some councilling and 1 1/2 years he is just know starting to become a "happy go lucky" little boy. He is only 7 and I think he needs a couple more years to heal. A couple more years to lift the weight of the world that he carried around on his little shoulders for so many years. He knows he is adopted and he knows he couldnt go home because he wasnt safe there. I know he knows those things but he still doesnt really understand it all.
I think "knowing" and "understanding" are 2 different things. I'm hoping someone really knows what I mean by that. I think contact with his birthmom will be okay when he "understands". It may be a year from now, it may be 2 years from now or more. I'm not sure. But, until then I don't think I should give him the letter. I'm afraid he is not ready for it. So, what do I do? Just send some pictures? Write a letter myself telling her how the kids are doing? Do I tell her that contact will be okay once Matthew has some more time to heal and to mature so that he can understand what happened and why? Do I just ignore the letter? What do I do? What have you all done? My heart hurts right now and I don't know what to do.
If you have read this far...thank you. Any advise is appreciated

[JenCo]

and tell her exactly what you said in your post. I think that summed it up perfectly. As M's parent it is up to you to make the decisions that you think are in his best interest. If you think that hearing from his bmom will harm him emotionally, in view of the background here, then it is up to you to decide what is in his best interest.

Good luck!
Jennifer

[TRP]

I would write a letter letting her now how M and K are doing and send a couple of cute pics. Tell her that you wish her well. Let her know that when the kiddos reach a certain age they may wish to contact her and that you and your dh will be supportive and behind that. Tell her that right now you need some space b/c the kids are still healing from all that went on in the past. Maybe you could offer to write every Christmas to let her know how the kids are doing and send a picture or two. I don't know... it is totally up to you. Just thought I'd give you my thoughts.

Congrats on adopting your two kiddos! Best wishes to you and your family!

[2boyz1girl]

Interesting that you wrote this post. I was just considering asking a similar question about openness on the fost/adopt threads. Understandably, the views seem to be very different between parents who have adopted children who were willingly relinquished in hopes of a better life, and those that were placed in foster care because of abuse/neglect. Our dd, luckily was not physically abused -- she never left the hospital with her bparents, but she was drug and alcohol exposed which is considered abuse. We too went through the long hard road of DSS trying to "reunite" her with her bparents. Her bmother lost interest really quickly, but her bfather fought. He didn't relinquish until he too, was faced with termination. But he agreed to relinquish under the terms that we would maintain contact. Not an easy thing to do because of our anger over the whole situation. We have maintained contact for our daughter's best interest - not his. I believe that knowing that her bfamily loves her will be beneficial in her life. I also believe (in your case) that children have this amazing loyalty to their parents (even bad ones). How much of his bmother does he remember? Would he be more secure in his life knowing that, even though she made a LOT of mistakes, she still cares about him? I think that if you are not comfortable with him having contact with her at this point you have to follow your heart. But I would recommend you staying in contact with her through letters and pictures. That way, when he is ready to have contact with her you will know where to find her and he will know that you loved him enough to do that for him. Good Luck!

[stacyone]

Everything I've ever read about this says that yes, the kids still love their first parents, even if the abuse was horrific. It's SO great that you want to keep M safe. Have you asked him what he wants? Maybe some time (my cousin swears by conversations in the car -- they can't go anywhere and distractions are a minimum) you can casually ask him about her... see how he reacts. If he seems interested and can talk about her without being afraid, you can bring it up again a week later. After a few conversations, ask him if he'd like to hear from her.

And, of course, asking a professional is always good. Have you posted in the other forums, for parents who have adopted from the foster system? There are some specialists over there... I'm not sure if they come over here.

[sugarbabysmommy]

I agree with others about your writing to her and sending a few pics. Correspondence between the two of you could really benefit your child in the future, in ways you may not realize now, maybe even helping him with closure when he's older. Opening a dialogue right now about her with M would help you evaluate his readiness or interest, plus he'll know it's ok to talk with you. From some children I've known I have learned that they have a very hard time expressing to their aparents curious thoughts about, or even warm feelings toward, their birthfamilies for fear of upsetting the balance at home. Let him know it's ok to say he cares, if he does care.

A piece of advise I got from a conference really stuck with me. Whatever you do send to his birthmother, keep copies for your son. That way he'll know you tried to reach out when she reached out. I can understand waiting showing him the letter, but if he asks if she ever made contact before you've shown it, be honest.

all the best...

[babyjsmom]

I adopted a 3 year old from Guatemala, he has been home a month and I feel for you.....

Although our situations are different, we do have some things in common....Victor has never had a relationship with his Birth Mother....she gave him up at birth and was living with a foster family since. He was attached to his Foster Mother, very attached and grieved for her deeply. He never asks for her now and talks nothing about life in Guat. but she desperately tried to contact us and see him before we left the country.

I know this is different because she is not his Birth Mother, but it is the only mother besides myself that he has ever known....We allowed her to say goodbye and then told her NO....she could not see him again, He was an emotional mess and I never want him to feel that way again.

So we left the country and that was it.

If she (FM) tried to contact us, would I tell him?....NO, not at 4 years old, Not at 7 and Not at 10....She was not his mother and I feel the grieving was far to great for him emotionally....He needs to feel secure now with me, he is a child........ he deserves to live his life and not be strained by this right now!

If the Birth mother tried to contact him would I tell him? NOT now....maybe at 12 or 14 but not now, I would write her back and explain the emotional burden he is carrying....I would not send her pictures but write her back. I also would never keep it from him...YOU MUST TELL HIM when he is old enough, and settled in enough, and trusting of you enough to understand! I swore when I adopted Victor that I would never hide anything from him or hold him back from doing whatever he wanted to do! But.........7 years old is still young and he needs to be a child! Let him alone for now....there is plenty of time for him to deal with this when he grows up.

I hope my 2 cents helped. I know my advice may not be the best, but it is how I feel, for what it's worth!

Goodnite - Jenn

[mommy2savanna]

I don't think that sending the birthmom a letter and a few pictures, once or twice a year can hurt anything. It might also help her not to be a bitter person instead help her to grow and be a better person. M might want to meet her again as an adult, so, if I was you, I would want her to be the best person she could be. If she writes back via CPS you don't have to show the letters to M until you think he is ready, so there is no harm done.

Just my thoughts.

Ruth

[imtimm2]

Hi! I just read the original post, and wanted to comment on this subject as an adult adoptee. My bdad's rights were terminated by the courts, and bmom relinquished me and my baby sister, 10m my junior to Children's Services. I was 14m old, and was adopted just before turning 2.

My perspective on this is to be as open and honest with both the children, but absolutely with M when he asks. Saying he knows he's adopted doesn't take away the uncertainty of "knowing" your adopted. His young mind can not grasp what has happened, but as he matures, he'll have questions and he'll want answers...and mine started LONG before I was 15. His scars will run deep, and image him reunited with his bmom at 15 or 18 whichever...and she tells him she tried to reach out to him years ago...and there is a possibility that this could be construed by M as you keeping his bmom from him...and if she plays that...he could really be angry and resent that fact.

My abrother wife adopted his daughter when bmom relinquished R, she was 2. When my neice started asking questions at 10 about bmom....my abrother's wife simply told her "your birth mom didn't want you". Choosing the correct words is CRITITCAL in self esteem, and when neice finds bmom and recounts "my amom said you didn't want me". I know what happened, and when R learns the truth this will tear R up..and her anger will backlask...to her amom (and dad too) for not telling her the truth, and for defining her in such a manner.

My advice! Be open and honest as early as possible, and don't hide anything.
Best Wishes! I respect the life that you are providing for these kids, and even more..your willingness to go the extra mile in doing what's best for your kids.

[Big Dreamer]

Hi,

I am an adoptive mom. I agree with many of the posts that writing a letter and sending a picture would be ok.

Please be sure to send the letter in care of your attorney or CPS and do not put your return address on the envelope. I made that mistake once and the birth father of another child we were adopting showed up at our doorstep.

If she doesn’t have your home address that might be the safest way to handle things trust me…it does give piece of mind.

She may be wanting to make amends for what has happened to her children while they were in her care. If nothing else she may just need piece of mind knowing they are ok.

I understand how your husband feels however most women are more sensitive to what other women need. I know that for my husband it would be easier to not respond not realizing that all this woman wants is to know her children are ok. He may be motivated out of fear more than anything.

I do think that if you ignore this it will eat you alive and I do think the bmother needs to know why no type of contact is good at this time.

However...I really think that you should follow your heart and let her know about the difficulties the children have had adjusting.

Please let her know that they are still healing and it probably would not be a good idea for any type of contact at this time. I like your statement about him trying to heal from having to carry the world on his shoulders.

Encourage her to continue to write (only if you feel this way) and let her know that at some time in M’s life you will share her letters.

If you are truly willing to let her have some contact at a later time in life let her know. I do think that somewhere around the age of 10 M might start asking questions.

If he doesn't ask about her or talk about the situation from which he came he may not be ready for any type of contact. Post Traumatic Stress can bite you when you least expect it and it can leave some serious scars for a very long time even after therapy. You may want to consult Ms therapists regarding contact at a later time in his life and what the consequences could be.

I must admit I am a bit concerned that she did not write a side not asking you to let M write you. I am a bit concerned that by her writing and asking M to ask you to let him write her may be showing that she may not be ready for contact.

To me by asking, a seven year old to do her bidding she is being manipulative. In my opinion if she really wanted a healthy relationship with her children she would start by developing a relationship with the adoptive parents. Once the aparents feel that she is doing well then they could extend the relationship to the children.

I agree that knowing and understanding that you are adopted are two entirely different things. I also agree that you should not share this letter with him at this time. Again consult with a professional before you open the Pandora’s box.

If he asks about her you might let him know that you know in your heart that she thinks of him and hopes that he is doing well. All that is true, I think that him seeing a letter or knowing it exists could create some issues that neither of you may be ready for.

One of our biggest jobs as a parent is to protect your child from physical, mental and emotional harm. If this weighs heavy in your heart write M a letter about how you feel about the contact and why and place it with the bmoms letter so that someday he will understand both sides of the situation. He may be a very visual person and your letter may help clarify anything that may not be said.

I hope that you find piece in whatever you decide.

Take care,
Maria

[Jensboys]

WE too adopted two boys in almost the exact same diagnosis and situation as you describe. We are now 5 years post placement and I would say that YES absolutely letter contact has been a wonderful addition to the boys life. It has NOT detracted from their feelings of belonging to our family - instead it has made them MORE secure knowing that their birthfamily is ok, that they still love them, that if we have any questions we can ask them at any time. Our boys do NOT want direct contact (meaning writing themselves or talking on the phone themselves) but they do really LOVE the fact that I do write their birthmom and that their birthfamily writes/calls us. Yes, it has brought out some strong emotions and grief in them - but how much better that they know that I respect that part of themselves and have me to support them in it.

To the mom who adopted from Guat. I would have to respectfully disagree with you. Your sons foster mother IS his mother in every way that counts to him. By saying that just because she didnt give birth to him she isnt his mother totally discounts our ADOPTIVE connection to our kids. Mothering is a VERB rather than a noun .

Our son was 3 and a half when we adopted him and he had the same foster mom from 4 months age on. Us maintaining contact with her has been a VALUABLE resource for us. Especially that first year ... knowing that she hadnt disappeared, knowing that he was still loved and adored by her, knowing that she wanted him to be happy has HELPED him to bond to our family. Instead of viewing us as "kidnappers" knowing his foster mom has releaved that emotional burden that you seem to think not-knowing her will remove.

Our kids need to know that people dont just disappear - can you imagine how terrible it is to be three and have everyone you know and love just be "gone"? Having that connection to his foster mom will help him to attach to you - yes he may grieve her but if he doesnt thats a whole lot scarier than if he does!!!

Also, the way I viewed it, is that I owe their foster mom a great debt. She loved and cared for my kids for THREE years. How can I not treat her with the same respect she treated my kids - by sending letters, pictures etc. She will always be a part of my kids - and thus a part of our family.

[Free_to_be_me]

It is so important to be honest with children. They really can handle knowing important things about themselves. Even though your son had such bad experiences with his birthfamily, I feel he should be given the information that his birthmom is still interested in how he is doing. Does your family talk about the adoption or the birthfamily very often? Maybe sharing that you got a letter from her might be a good way to bring up a really good conversation. It may help him understand more of what happened to him.

My birthdaughter is 9 and 1/2 and I KNOW that she understands. She has had that understanding since she was about 3 years old. She was able to verbalize that she lived in my tummy and that now she lives with her mom. I am sure that the reason she understood at such a young age is because her parents and pretty much anyone she asked made a concentrated effort to explain to her and did everything they could to help her understand. Now, she is starting to grow up and will be starting to develop relationships with boys soon. She has many strong role models who she is comfortable talking to about important issues like her adoption, why she was placed and where she comes from. I am certain that this will continue when she needs/wants to talk about things like sex, pregnancy, etc. Because she knows that her parents and I have always been honest with her and willing to talk about anything (even difficult things, like her birthfather) she is willing to ask about things that she has questions about.

As far as your children's birthmother is concerned, it would be nice if you wrote a letter expressing your concerns for your children's well-being and just gave her an update. It would be something that could make a reunion (if one ever happens) between your son and his birthmother a little easier.

I hope my message wasn't too pushy. I didn't intend for it to be, but am not sure if it comes off that way when read by someone other than me. Good luck.