[shastafire]

Ok, DH and I have started to let ppl know that we are looking to adopt and are signed with our state to start classes and prior to that, to receive the SW in our home.

A very close friend (but a flighty person, nonetheless) has been calling me for over two weeks but I have been unable to return her calls at the proper times and have not reached her - I finally reached her last evening and upon telling her that we are hoping to adopt she told me that she felt she could help - that about 2 weeks ago she received a positive HPT and hasn't had her AF for 2 months.

We are thrilled, understandably - but we are also nervous - she can not drive a car (she is in her 20s) and she lives with her parents - we are willing to take her in and let her live with us while she is pg and drive her to all appointments and work - but we are worried she'll change her mind. The bf will agree with anything - (even abortion, as she said that she had been planning on going to try to get one)....

Has anyone ever done this before? Take in the **? We'll help her get up on her feet when she has the baby - we figure that a few months prior to delivery, we'll start finding her a place to move to (if she doesn't move back to her mother's house)....

We're in Missouri - do you know when she can sign her rights away? And also, when are they officially terminated?

OOh! And what are some things we need to go over? (We never thought we'd have to deal with this ourselves! We are totally unprepared!)

Thanks!

Ang

[HopefulAdopt]

Shastafire,

I would say to you that it sounds like a high risk and her being a friend can even make it more difficult...not impossible but it just doesn't sound that positive. Why would you need to have her move in with you? Are you in different towns? I can't say but sounds like she may want something for this!?? I don't know if I would do it without covering myself. Before you make any huge decisions I would contact an adoption attorney in your state and tell them of the situation.

Be extra careful and look into other situations before you committ yourself solely to doing this.

Best wishes,

Hopeful

[shastafire]

Thanks.

We are concerned and feel that it IS a high-risk situation. She was told by her parents that she would be kicked out of their house if she gets pg again (she is currently fighting for custody of her 5 year old daughter - has been for 3 years but keeps testing "dirty" for pot and other substances)...

We would take her in to let us "bond" more closely and to care for her while pg (she is childlike and may not make the best choices in proper eating habits, etc)...

I appreciate any/all thoughts on this! POST AWAY!! *S*

Ang

[logansmom]

The more time I spent talking to the amom and getting to know her the more I wanted her to have the baby. I loved her so much that it was impossible for me to change my mind. I couldn't do that to her, after knowing how much she wanted a baby, and this was probably going to be her last chance. It made me feel so wonderful to give her something that no one else would. I think it is a good idea to let her live with you. You need to know each other and care about each other as well as the baby.

[ncdean]

We adopted our son in Missouri 14 months ago. (We are from another state, so I do not know if this makes a difference in the Missouri process) Our son's birthmom had to wait 48 hours to sign. It was done right before she left the hospital. I think it may be able to be done after 24 hours but the agency I went through wanted to give her the extra time. After she signed, we had to go to court to be awarded guardianship. After the court hearing, she could not change her mind. For us, we had to wait a week after our son's birth for the court hearing but that is just because it was over a holiday weekend. It may also depend on what county the hearing takes place in. Some counties are more adoption friendly than others (or so our agency told us). I know that Kansas City makes the birthmom show up for this hearing so we went to another county. We thought that it would just be too hard on our son's birthmom to show up for the hearing. Then 6 months after that, you have the finalization hearing. I hope this answers at least some of your questions.

I would also suggest that if you move forward with this adoption that you make sure that the birthmom gets some kind of counseling throughout the pregnancy.

Best of luck to you. I hope that it all works out.

[BrandyHagz]

(she is currently fighting for custody of her 5 year old daughter - has been for 3 years but keeps testing "dirty" for pot and other substances)...

Are you prepared to handle any special needs that could arise from her use of drugs? That’s more of a red flag that anything else…

What happens in the end, if she is set on the adoption plan, and you find out the child is special needs? Are you willing to take the risk to adopt a child who has already been exposed to drugs?

[2boyz1girl]

I have to agree with BrandyHagz. What are the "other substances?" I would highly recommend researching the effects of drug and alcohol exposure on children before you make this decision. Of course, having her live with you, you could probably reduce the substance abuse, but you can't control her every move. I have some friends who took two different bmothers into their home, and both changed their mind at the last minute. Leaving them with the hurt of losing the child, and a huge stack of bills. Until they sign that paper, the child is theirs and they can change their minds if they want to. Just be careful.

[Sleepydream]

The other thing to consider is that you are not allowed to pay "living expenses" in Missouri. I don't think you would be allowed to pay for her to move into an apartment of her own when the time came. As an aparent to a child who was drug exposed, don't automatically say no because of substance abuse. Even in worst case scenarios things are not as dire as you might think. Do your homework, see how the pregnancy goes. Our son is not only ok, he is well above average in development both physically and mentally (90-95 percentile). Oh, what I would have been missing had I said "drug use? NO WAY". Also, if I may speak from experience....if you decide to do this, do yourself a favor and pick an adoption friendly hospital. By doing some research on this you can save yourselves and the pbmom alot of unnecessary heartache. We are also in Missouri, I would be happy to help in any way I can. I know there are a couple of maternity homes here, would that maybe be an option?

[mamacrina]

Hi!

I agree with many of the comments above, but have just one more. Not to sound crass..and I hope it doesn't, but I would also be concerned about her bringing drugs into your home, and endangering your placement that way. Is it not possible to pick her up from her parent's home for any and all visits? Or, as someone else asked, is she living in another town?

I wish you well.
Hugs,Crina

[2boyz1girl]

Sleepydream,
I just wanted to clarify that I was in no way suggesting that she refuse to adopt a drug/alcohol exposed infant. (I don't know if it came across that way or not -- sorry if it did). I just think she should know very well what she is getting herself into. Our dd is also alcohol exposed, and doing extremely well. We love her and are comitted to her no matter what. I just wish I had understood the effects, and known the possibilities beforehand.

[Sleepydream]

You did not come across that way 2boys1girl, and I totally agree that she should do her homework and know what COULD come up.

Also, Shastafire.....I just read your post in Missouri adoptive families about the possible difficulties you may face. Have you already received a favorable homestudy?

[shastafire]

Wow! I'm so glad that all of you are posting away....I'll try to keep my responses orderly *S*:

Thank you for your support logansmom. I understand just what you mean - I love this woman, we grew up together since 5th grade and we have been through SOOOO many things together...it just seems natural that if she wants to place her child for adoption, we "keep it in the family"..

ncdean - thanks for those thoughts on the legal aspect...we placed a call to a local attorney and are going to set up the consultation, as soon as we make the decision to go ahead and do this.

Brandy - Thank you for your concern - I am not too worried about adopting an infant that was drug/alcohol exposed, please don't think ill of me - but MOST girls that I know (who are having babies) are on one or the other or both - my SIL just had her son on Friday and he has been exposed to pot and alcohol since he was conceived....the pbmom has quit everything as soon as she tested BFP on the HPT (except smoking cigs). We hope it was soon enough...

2boyz - We understand that she can change her mind - I know it's probably NOT a "great" idea - but we are encouraging her to do what is right for her and her baby - we don't want her to jump into something; this is, afterall, a lifelong committment.

Sleepydream - Thanks for the "heads up" on the living arrangement - she'll probably want to go home to her mom and dad after she has the baby...she doesn't drive and it would be difficult for her to live here (in a separate town) when her parents are there and her work is there. What do you think of the Lebanon hospital? Adoption Friendly? Thank you for the maternity home suggestion - it wouldn't work for her...she wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.

pecherpooh - Not crass at all, she really can't stay living with her parents - she can go visit them every other week (to see her dd) but she'll have to come to us on the opposite weeks. She stays the night with us occassionally and she knows that she is NOT allowed to bring any drug into our home. She has been respectful and doesn't do it.

Sleepydream - we've already spoken with several agencies and attorneys and from what we gather, our homestudy should go along smoothly. Dh's legal problems are not violent or child related - so that should move smoothly; we are buying a new home - are already pre-approved for the loan and are selling our home for more than we paid, to come out with more $$$ for the adoption; and our income is sufficient. We are both members in good standing within our Church community, etc. etc...

Thanks to all of you...and post on this, any new thoughts that pop up....Any thoughts on going to birthing classes with your pbmom? She told me she would prefer the child to never know it was adopted...should we agree with that?

Thanks,

Ang

[spaypets]

Shastafire--Please don't agree not to tell this child his/her history. Children are entitled to know their personal story and, if everything works as planned, this child's story will be that s/he is adopted.

There's no way you can keep that fact a secret forever and the longer you wait to tell, the more likely it is to be damaging. It is much better for adoption to be matter of fact.

In the ideal situation, your child would also know his/her birthparents -- especially since the pbmom is a dear friend with whom you will likely have continuing contact. Both you and the pbmom should read about open adoption--since you already know and like each other, you already have the foundation for a great relationship.

[shastafire]

I agree with you spaypets - It seems really strange to me - that I would be expected to lie to "my child" all of his/her life....

I told her not to set her heart to anything yet - she is possibly coming tonight to stay with us and we'll discuss everything we can think of, then.

We all want what is best for baby - so I'm sure we'll be able to agree on something...

I know she is just worried that the baby will be confused about why it has two moms (as she put it) and why she gave it up for adoption....

Be well...

Ang

[79nic]

Ang,

Wow... this is really fast.

May I ask a question? You mentioned your friend was considering abortion-- what made her decide against it?

The reason I ask is this: it seems like your friend could really use some counseling. ANYONE in a crisis pregnany could use some counseling....

If it were me (in your situation), I'd encourage her to seek out the counseling-- put specific adoption plans on hold for a while-- and let her figure out if adoption is really what she wants to do.

If she's fighting for custody of her other child right now, she's probably got some feelings from that mixed in with this pregnancy, too, making her situation even more complicated.......
(And just as an aside-- if you do adopt this baby, and she loses custody of her other child--permanently--you may be asked to adopt her other child, too, by whatever county has custody. Just something for you to ponder....)

It just seems a little early for her to be talking about the specifics of a pregnancy/adoption plan (birthing classes, open vs. closed, what to tell the child...). In my (admittedly uneducated) opinion, what she really needs now is some good options counseling.

JMHO.
Nicole

P.S. Sorry, didn't mean to rain on the parade!!!!! Actually it would be great if this worked out for all of you... sounds like you'd be able to give this child a good home....