[foldnfly]

We adopted yesterday. The 4yr. boy is close to prior foster families (not bio family) we have continued to see the family previous to us and there was 2 mo they we're with g-ma. The prior family has boys the ages of my boys and they have been a great resource. We get together on birthdays etc. I said they could be like Aunt, uncle, and cousins. he had no idea what that meant. So it may grow on him.
but prior to that placement he had been with "momma Trina" for a yr. I have put off this contact because he was inappropriatley touched by the adopted son (about 10 yrs. old). My little guy had some acting out when he went to the (aunt & uncle) foster partents but after a few months, it was resolved. Nothing has come up in conversations or in couseling. He is quite concerned for "momma trina" and it may be a visit at a netural place would ease some fears. Should I do it. Should I just let the idea drop? Do I say something about her son?
Thanks,

[amom4life]

Yes, you should tell her about her son. For one thing you wouldn't want him doing this to your son again or anyone else.
Judy

[foldnfly]

No, I'm not asking if it should be reported. It already had been. I'm wanting to know whether we should get together with this prior fmom. should I say that I'd rather her son who did this wasn't there? To Bold?

[mj77]

Do you think it would ease some of your son's fears to have a conversation with Mama Trina on the phone? If you think it would be better to meet in person, then, yes, meet in a neutral place and kindly ask that only she come. If she knows of the inapropriate touching by her son, then just tell her (only if she asks about her son coming too) that you feel uncomfortable for your son and think this meeting would be better with just her. If the visit can wait some time, and your schedules work together, you can always ask to meet while her son is in school.

I should add. Don't feel guilty about speaking your feelings if you believe not having that boy there would be in the best interest of your son. You are his mama and you have every right to protect him physically AND emotionally.

[mj77]

Do you think it would ease some of your son's fears to have a conversation with Mama Trina on the phone? If you think it would be better to meet in person, then, yes, meet in a neutral place and kindly ask that only she come. If she knows of the inapropriate touching by her son, then just tell her (only if she asks about her son coming too) that you feel uncomfortable for your son and think this meeting would be better with just her. If the visit can wait some time, and your schedules work together, you can always ask to meet while her son is in school.

[paperchasingmom]

as a hopeful foster to adopt mom myself, I am considering this as something that I would be faced with quite possibly during our foster/adoption experience....

While I know the transition period is very important and how it is done is very important I can also tell you that this older boy that did this to your son, $10 bucks says he's done it before--it's not an isolated incidence nor is your son the first child to be affected by it, quite possibly....and the sadder part is, THIS older adopted child probably is/was being victimized by someone else too, thus the reason why HE was acting out and doing this to your son--it is a vicious cycle--it is a learned behavior--they learn it from someone else and this is abuse....that older boy needs help and treatment and therapy as well before it becomes more dangerous...

and after saying all that, I say this, cut the ties to this prior foster mom, Mama Trina and her family. Your son is young enough that he may not remember long term who she was and also if he sees her he's going to remember her son and want to see her son or maybe even start acting out again and why risk jeopardizing your little son's emotional health and trigger some bad memories and for you to always try to keep them seperated, your son and her son, forever, would be difficult and something that I wouldn't want to do if I was in your shoes, as I very well may be someday....

I would say to keep your son very active with new people and new acquaintances and his last foster family and he, probably, hopefully, over a period of time will quit asking about Mama Trina--only mention her or her family if your son brings it up first and then only quickly mention them or answer his question very basically--redirection right now, during the times he asks about them would be a good thing to do as well, do something else quickly to see if his mind gets off of this subject.....your child needs to bond with you and your family and especially since this situation with this previous foster family happened, I would have to say cut the ties and don't let your son see her, talk to her or her children....it's not required in our state, only recommended IF the aparents decide it is in the best interest of their newly adopted child and in this case, after completing MAPP and knowing what I know now, I don't think it is in your son's best interest....I don't know if you can call your prior caseworker and explain your concerns with them as well and see if your child needs and could receive some extra professional assistance regarding this new concern for Mama Trina....

But you know, what I did pick up on after going back and rereading your original post was, I'm wondering how long was your son with this last foster family--the one that you ARE going to stay in contact with because I think it's odd that your son isn't concerned about this "last" foster mom yet "remembers" and is "concerned" for like you said about his next to the last foster mom, Mama Trina??? and why is he "concerned" for her???? and why isn't he concerned about his last foster mom???? why the concern for Mama Trina, the same foster mom who has the son that did this to him....makes me wonder about that....what did he see when he was there with them, what happened? why would this 4 year old remember a woman, two moms ago, at the very same place where this inappropriate situation occurred and be concerned for HER and yet not his newer/last foster mom and her nice family????

THAT concerns me!!! Why is he fixated on Mama Trina????? For only 4 years old that's very telling to me that something's not right.....more the reason to keep him away I think because bottom line is, with foster children you never know what really has happened to these children--never, unfortunately.....plus, I don't think that Mama Trina should be allowed to be a foster mother anymore since her son did this....I'm surprised the state hasn't pulled her license because of it....

You hang in there--be bold, be strong, don't worry about offending anyone--be more worried about your new son, okay and what's best for him!!! Take it day by day, but be bold!!! Okay? For your son's sake!!!!

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!!!!

Blessings,

Melody

[Jensboys]

I think his concern is normal for a 4 year old. We also adopted two boys from foster care, then ages 3 and 4.

We too have an aunt/uncle relationship with the former foster parents (and its been very beneficial to the child).

Our oldest son had that same sort of "fear" regarding his birthmom. For him the idea that caregivers could just disappear was very disconcerting. The reality is, even if it wasnt the best home environment, they still are IMPORTANT to our kids. When we met and contact our boys birthmom it was SUCH a relief to our son to know that she was ok and still loved him.

I think a visit - either in an neutral place or at your home would alleviate alot of yoru sons fantasies I bet.

[2boyz1girl]

foldnfly,
I have to respectfully disagree with Melody. She makes some good points, but it is very likely that Mama Trina is the first caregiver he remebers being attached to, a year is a long time for such a young child. She has taken the place of a biological parent in his mind. It is amazing the loyalty children feel for their parents, even bad parents. Also, it is very possible that he had an even stronger bond to her than usual because of the trauma he experienced. To refuse him the knowledge that she is okay and still cares about him just seems cruel to me. I also think that it will be easier for your son to bond to you, and to trust people in general, if he doesn't form the belief that important people just disappear. I definitely agree that her son should not be around yours though, or should be VERY highly supervised if he is -- Melody is right that it is a vicious cycle, and I wouldn't take that chance. I think that seeing how your son reacts to speaking to her on the phone would be a good idea, and take it from there.

[paperchasingmom]

Originally posted by 2boyz1girl
To refuse him the knowledge that she is okay and still cares about him just seems cruel to me. I also think that it will be easier for your son to bond to you, and to trust people in general, if he doesn't form the belief that important people just disappear. I think that seeing how your son reacts to speaking to her on the phone would be a good idea, and take it from there.

2boyz1girl, you're right, it would be cruel, nor would I ever want to do that to a child--I was reading more into it I guess especially after she explained what had happened between the little boy and the son and when I went back and reread the post when she stated that her little son is concerned "for" Mama Trina--sounded like maybe he's afraid for her in that situation (like what did he see when he was with her????) or maybe she had some kind of a sick hold over him, I don't know, just something inside me didn't click with that and then I thought it sounded like he's acting like the parent here being so concerned "for" her and no child should have to do that.....I guess I read too much in the wording because it didn't say, he missed her, or something like that, but that he was so excessively concerned "for" her yet not for the other foster mom, the newer foster mom who he did have a nice experience with and who still is a part of his life....

I don't think he should see her son EVER though, even under supervision because the little boy still very well might remember and it could trigger some bad memories and make him afraid all over again, so I think even under supervision it's still not a good thing for the little boy to ever see the son because like I said, there probably/maybe was even more to this situation that what any of these foster moms knew....but, looking back, IF the child IS obsessing over Mama Trina and is not able to move forward even after some time has passed and you've tried redirecting, etc. then yes, I would say a phone call to her would be the safest bet....

I guess I just read more into it than what the situation really is, but then again, when it comes to physical/sexual abuse, you have to be pro-active and she sounded like she DIDN'T want to see the family and was worried about HOW to tell them, worried about being too bold by telling them no, so I took it as she wanted to tell them no, I thought....it's just that when it comes to protecting kids, I'm just a maniac about it....kids are my soft spot--children, animals and old people, you know, the ones that can't defend themselves!!!!

Good dialogue here though....thanks for "respectfully" disagreeing!!!

Blessings,

Melody

[2boyz1girl]

Melody,
it's all about opinions right? And we probably all read things into other people's posts. Glad I didn't offend you!

[paperchasingmom]

Yeah, you're right, it's all about everyone's interpretations and opinions....you know, I went back in and edited/added some things to my prior post so you might want to go back in and reread it (if you care! HA!!) I'm just so darn wordy at times....geez....

It's just that I want that little boy to be safe you know, physically and emotionally....and yep, no offense taken!!!!

Blessings,

Melody