[lumina]

We are looking to adopt a child under 8 (our bio sons age). We have been reading bios/photolistings....and see lots of siblings. Like 3-6, too many for us to take.

I also read a lot about siblings being separated and was wondering if anyone here has had experience with separating siblings and being open to visitation?

What happens if you inquire about 1 or 2 children in a group of more siblings? I want to know what route to take with the sw's.

Thanks in advance.

[HappyMomAnna]

If you are looking at adoption through your state from Foster Care this is the advice I can offer..... First of all in nearly every case the State will do their very best to keep siblings together no matter what. Especially, if they have an established relationship and have been kept together or promised they would placed together later....

The sibling bond is very important and most judges and caseworkers will go the extra mile to keep it.

In some cases one or more of the children in a sibling group are dangers or harmful to the other siblings.... due to sexual abuse or a truama reaction and the state will seek a special cause split of the child who causes this issue.... But usually it is the one child that is split out and placed along with another family who can meet that child's need.

When a family adopts from the state and the birthmother goes on to have another baby--if that baby is placed into foster care and or the plan is that the state will terminate the mothers rights the family that adopted an older sibling will in most cases be contacted for the new baby as a relative placement because of the desire to have siblings raised together.

In a nut shell--siblings are in most cases kept together if at all possible. Most states have come to understand that there are families who have the ability to take a whole group. Statistically the highest rate of adoption failures are sibling groups of two--for some reason the larger groups do not fail as often.

If you are looking at a group of three or more siblings that odds are that one of the children is pretty old--the State will honor that childs request to be with the siblings.

Most siblings end up split up due to new babies being born after a child or couple of children have been adopted by a family who is not able to take the new babies.

If you are seeing photo listings of sibling groups the odds of the state permitting a split is VERY low.

There are usually many sibling groups of two. Often there is an olnder child age four and a young toddler--sometimes Foster families want to adopt the baby and not the older child most states will look for a family who wants both children.

When adopting through your state the idea of OPEN adoptions is not usually suggested by caseworkers. Most states do not have laws that enforce open adoption agreements after an adoption has finalized. States generally do not promote open adoption as the issues around the placement of children out of Foster Care usually includes issues that do not lead to open adoptions.

Some families have had sucess with sibling open agreements but this is rare. It requires all the adoptive families to agree and maintain the agreement. Some caseowkrers will be out right aggainst such a plan due to all the complications that might arrise.

Some children are not able to deal with sibling visits after adoption due to the re-opening of the feelings and the reactions that it causes in their healing.

When adopting these children it is very important to understand that the State is not interested in finding children for families--they are interested in finding families for children so in msany cases the state will hold the sibliings in Foster care until the point in time where a family is found....There are some fantasitc families that are more then happy to take large gorups so the states will look hard to place the siblings with these families.

It is generally about the welfare of the older siblings that the state is concerned with.

Our children were only almost 5 and almost 1 at the time they were placed with us. I can assure you that our oldest would have been more then traumatized had the state split her from her brother.... She was with birthmom during the pregnancy and he is so vey important to her....visits would NEVER have been enough for her emotionally.

Even the baby would have been horrible affected by the loss of his sister---the only person he had with him his whole life.... I was stunned by the bond I saw between them...for the first nine months when baby needed any comfort it was big sister he went to... I really cannot imagine the damage that might have been done to either of these children had they been split up.

My advice to you is if you are interested in adopting a child from the Foster Care system then go forward with the training and the homestudy process--In most states this is completely FREE and will cost you only time... ( a long time usually) Long enough to really investigate your ture feelings, and abilities to go forward with the adoption process of a hurt child. The VERY last thing families interested in adopting from the state do is look for children..... By that time there may be more children that fit your needs.... and if your state does not have children that are within your families ability to accept the Federal Government requires that all states allow adoptings from families in another state. Meaning that you will become able to look at adopting any of the nearly half million children who are waiting at any given time.

My major point is that at this stage do not think about which child or children you are interested in....take the training and go through the process and then start looking at children...

In most states families interested in adoption cannot see all the waiting children until they have finished all the steps that are required. There are thousands of children who are NEVER listed on the internet sites...Most of the children listed on the internet are the HARDEST placements. Usually children are placed long before they are listed on the internet...For example in my state there are about 30 children on the internet site but families who are approved to look have access to the State BOOK which lists another 200-300 children who are in the earlier stages of placement and the hope is these children will be placed before the listing on the internet is even needed.... The vast majority of children never show up on the internet....

Once you are approved you start the search and eventually there will be a match that fits your needs....TRUST me on this.... After awhile the caseworkers actually start to think about certain families they know of who are interested.... and sometimes children are placed even before they are listed state wide....

You will lose nothing by going forward with the free training and getting your homestudy done....Good luck.

[lumina]

Wow! Thanks for your reply.

We have gone through all the classes for fostercare (think there are more we have to go through before adoption). Now we just need our homestudy done.

We are also open to some special needs (as our bio son is SN-8yrs). So, I think we have to go through extra classes for that.

Thanks for that immense amount of information. I don't want to break up siblings, but we only have 1 extra room right now.

Your post gave me hope.

[HappyMomAnna]

It is a hard road to go through the whole training and homestudy process--most families do not finish.

We originally believed we had NO chance of adopting a child under the age of 3 or 4 and never got our hopes up---to our surprise we were placed with a one year old....stunned to even be considered.... and all through our process we were discouraged from even thinking this could possibly happen!

It seems odd but the best way I can express it is that when your adoption homestudy is finished and filed with your state it is sort of like joining a secret club---and suddenly you have access to information you had no idea was even there.....

I think the state makes it difficult because after placement there are some real ups and downs and only the strong need apply.....

I know MANY MANY families who have adopted one child under the age of 4 even though they were told over and over not to expect such a chance....go for it.... and eventually the right match will be found I can say this from experience....

[79nic]

lumina,

This topic (sibling separation) just came up in a workshop I attended yesterday. (I am a BRAND NEW cw, so take what I say with a grain of salt.... I have tons to learn yet...)

But here's what happened....

We were presented with a scenario. This was the scenario in a nutshell:

Two kids are in foster care. 1-girl, 18 months old. The other-boy, 2 1/2 years old. They are siblings.

They've been in foster care for 15 months.

While in foster care, the little girl has had only one placement. Her foster parents want to adopt her. She has a strong bond with her foster parents.

While in foster care, the little boy has had three placements. His foster parents don't want to adopt him. He's had some behavioral difficulties.

Our dilemma: do we let the foster parents who want the girl adopt her, knowing that they won't accept the little boy too, and thus permanently split up the siblings? Or do we try to find another home, adoptive parents who will take both of them?

The overwhelming majority of the caseworkers said they would NOT jeapordize the little girl's chance for a permanent family just to keep the sibs together.

Now... that was a real-life scenario...... however, as Anna said, if these siblings were older, had been together from the beginning, one didn't already have a home willing to take her, etc., people's answers could have been very different. So yes, keeping sibs together is a pretty strong value in the caseworker community... but it's not THE strongest.

Guess what I'm trying to say is, it all depends on the circumstances surrounding that sibling group.


Good luck,
Nicole

[HappyMomAnna]

Nichole,

Thanks for adding to this converstation.... I do agree that each case is considered when placing siblings...as it should be!

And I think the conversations you are having in your training does reflect the fact that the system is starting to change! In your scenario I think that is is great caseworkers are starting to view the foster placement and attachment issues as important....

One thing I feel that the newer families entering to adopt face is the internet listings and the fact that they feel these are possibly the only children in the state waiting.... As great as the internet is for placing the harder to place children I think in some ways adoptive families feel these are the only children to adopt--I sure wish there were ways to make the fact there are many childen waiting, known--on the sites....

Truthfully by the time the children are posted on a website the states have usually made all the splitting and placement decisions... I just hate knowing so many families feel little hope when they look at the websites.

In those cases if the siblings are listed together it is likely they will not be split--but, as you point out when siblings have been placed in different foster homes the bond is already being damaged with the siblings....and splitting them might make better sense in such cases..... Better to have one child with a secure and stable attachment then two more placed with the possiblity of RAD and/or a disruption!

Sometimes I do worry that some families enter the Foster to Adopt program and want the newborns....and reject the older sibling and that one is always difficult for me because I am dealing with the after effects of a Foster Family who tried to do just exactly this..... Our daughter has some big issues that the family wanted the baby brother and not her.... so I sudder when I see someone entering the system already thinking of a sibling split....In our children's case there were so many broken hearts.... including the Foster Family.

[2boyz1girl]

I agree with HappyMomAnna,
there are lots of other chilren out there waiting to be adopted, and new ones coming into the system every day. If you want to adopt, and only have room for one child, look for a child who is not being placed with siblings rather than trying to split a sibling group. However, I know that in our state, social services will split some sibling groups in hopes of giving at least one of them a better chance at adoption. But they also offer incentives to adopting sibling groups together -- like subsidized adoptions. I would also NOT recommend doing foster care in hopes of adopting (unless you are only considering taking chilren who are alreadly free for adoption). If you want to do foster care, do it for the sole purpose of giving a child in need a good home, and if that child happens to become free for adoption -- GREAT! Our dd was placed with us at the age of 10 days, we immediately wanted to adopt. It was a verrrrry long, verrrrry hard road going back and forth on whether or not we were going to get to keep her. She also has 3 bio-siblings (and possibly one on the way), and they are all in separate homes, but I would not be the least surprised to get a call in a few months asking if we will take her next sibling.

[tlc4kidz]

We are in the situation of having a fd from 2 days old until 16 months (now), and got the call 2 months ago that baby brother was born. We had expressed interest in adopting her, but did not feel able to take another baby. We were told they WOULD NOT be split. Even though she has bonded with us for nearly 1 1/2 years she would be moved to a home that would take both. We ended up taking baby brother and are loving it....there was an instant bond between the two and we are so thankful we stepped outside our comfort zone.....God works in strange ways!!

[79nic]

fosterma,

Wow. I cannot tell you how encouraging it is to hear your experience (that stepping outside your comfort zone is working for you).

I think it is great and wonderfully unselfish of you, to do what you did. Wish I could give you a big thank you hug in person. Not only have you given another child who needed one a home, but now the sibs will know each other.

This is the ideal situation for those kids. You rock.

Nicole

[lumina]

I can't tell you how much that posts means to me too. I know most people go into adoption hoping for infants/toddlers. We actually believed it would never happen, and figured on someone 5 or older. This has given me hope that we actually may get younger kids. And, of course, that they will fit into our family and be wonderful (even if challenging) "forever" kids.
Thanks!

[Colorbind love]

We adopted internationally. But, we have a son who was inadvertantly split from his siblings. He was placed for adoption and his 3 full biological siblings remain with his paternal uncle.

This is NOT a situation that I would recommend you knowingly and intentionally do. Of everything our son has been through in his life (and there is quite a bit--far beyond our comprehension of the horrors he has survived), this severing of his sibling ties seems to be the hardest and have caused the most pain for him.

He can handle the loss of his first parents, as they died. He can handle his uncle's decision to not parent him, as he was unable. But, he cannot understand why he is in one country and his siblings are in another. His older brother cannot understand this situation either.

We did not go into this situation knowing that he had living, identified siblings. In fact, we questioned repeatedly whether he was truly the only existing child and were assured that he was. The agency trusted the NGO. The NGo trusted Children's Welfare to have conducted a complete investigation. Yet, 2 weeks after he arrived in our home, our son wanted to know where were his siblings. He had not seen these siblings for 3 years yet he knew fully that they were alive and well. One visit in Africa confirmed what our son told us. He remembered their names, their ages and everything else about them. The pain this accidental situation has created in his life is something I would never intentionally put any child through. We have opened up his adoption and have made a commitment to be involved in the lives of his siblings from this point on. We simply cannot remove his siblings from his life, and we do not understand who made this decision and how they missed it. Our agency and the NGO have apologized profusely, as they had never encountered this before us. But, the mistake cannot be undone.

Please be very cauitous in considering removing children from their siblings. I would give anything in the world to be permitted to adopt my son's siblings and bring them into our family at this point. I would give anything to remove the pain and grief that this mistake has created in his heart. This was not what I wanted for him, and had I had any idea I would not have been a party to severing his familial ties to those siblings--not for anything in the world.