[AMom2Two]

We just got the call that we have been selected by a pbmom. At this time, she is refusing to give the father's name.

How dangerous is this situation? Has anyone gone thru this?

[kllee4]

AMom2Two,

As we are a family in "waiting" to be matched, I haven't personally experienced this. Has your SW mentioned that this would be a "legal risk"? And have you had a chance to discuss this with them in detail? They may be able to explain the specifics. It seems to me that if she isn't willing to give his name at this point, then he could possibly resurface later. And that wouldn't give him the opportunity to be a part of the process. I am sure you will soon receive lots of advice and personal experiences from the "experts" who have been blessed with their little ones. I just wish I could provide some insight for you.

Just know that we are here for you and will be praying that everything will work out wonderfully.

kllee

[yasta]

First two adoptions were agency adoptions:

With our first son, the bf signed no problem.

With our second son, the young girl did not know who the father was, nor his name. I believe it was a rape case, don't know the truth until this day. His original and modified birth certificate has "unknown" in the father block.

We are going thru our third adoption., independent adoption, the baby will be born between July 31st and Aug 8th. the ** has stated she is not sure and our lawyer says she has to say something. If she can not pin point the bf or state one. The lawyer says we have to have advertisement in the newspaper probably " John Doe" In any case our third is considered "legal risk"

Please get the Bf signature, cooperation etc. It will go easier or at least you know what you are dealing with

Yasta

[amom4life]

AMom2two,
CONGRATULATIONS!! I'm going to start praying from this moment on!

I PMed you too.
Judy

[clurock]

With our second adoption the birthfather was virtually unknown...except for a first name...not a lot to go with! In the state where the birthmother lived her decision to not fully disclose the truth about the last name could result in jail time if they found out the truth. Although our adoption was considered "legal risk" due to the fact that her not disclosing information was punishable by law we felt confident in our decision to continue. They placed the birthmother's information in the local newspaper and we waited thirty days for a birthfather to appear...after that his parental rights were terminated.

With our first adoption we actually knew the birthfather...he signed. However, it was not done in front of a notary so we spent the next year and one-half tracking down the birthfather. It terrified me to know that he could change his mind because paperwork had been done incorrectly.

I say out of the two (not knowing and knowing but signed incorrectly) the knowing and not signing correctly was more frightening for me...at least there was a tangible person I knew of who could change his mind...he had a face and a name, which for some reason scared me more!

Good luck! Congratulations!!!!

Christa

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by AMom2Two
We just got the call that we have been selected by a pbmom. At this time, she is refusing to give the father's name.

How dangerous is this situation? Has anyone gone thru this?

This can be very dangerous! Should she pace behind his back and down the road he found out, he could contest the adoption and win custody of the child.My best advice to you is to have a sw really explain this to her, (as I'm guessing she doesn't want him to raise the child,) and hopefully, she will see the importance of him being informed of the adoption plan.
We went through the same situation and once the Birthmother learned of the importance of releasing his info, she let the sw know who he was.
JJ

[icunurse]

I think it definitely needs to be pointed out to the bmother the risks of not naming the bfather (he could try and reclaim the child after she has already signed papers, but before his rights are legally terminated). Even if she does name him, it is in your best interests to use a paternal registry or listing to make sure ANY potential bfather's right are terminated. Also, what if something happens to her and the child wants to search later or becomes sick, etc.? I do have one question, though.....why won't she share it? Could it be a case of rape? incest? multiple partners? While these situations wouldn't necessarily be a reason to not consider a potential situation, they can have repercussions. The more info you have, the easier to deal with in the future (and no surprises for the child). I truly hope that, eventually, she will share her knowledge with you.

[AMom2Two]

We live in NJ where the right to terminate parental rights can be done in 72 hours after birth. Also, we were informed that in our state, you do not have adverstise. We have yet to speak to an attorney on this.

The social worker is under the impression that the boyfriend was abusive and violent because she overheard a remark about a restraining order.

The agency is working very hard to get the pbmom to disclose the name. We have two months to go before she is due to deliver.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I have to say that when I issued the restraining order against my daughter's birthfather the judge told me to be prepared because many men will contest a restraining order just so that the victim HAS to go the court room and see them face to face ( a control issue) and mine did just that! It was very scary and in the end he DIDNT EVEN SHOW UP....he was playing head games....and faxed in a statement....the judge even said he seemed like a sick individual...and chastized me for not using better judgement...blah, blah, blah (like I wasnt miserable enough...) Anyway...my point is that when we served him with the 30 days, it was awful waiting to see what he was going to do! So if this is an abuse case, then I can totally see where she is coming from. He COULD contest the adoption just to have control over her....not having anything to do with the child. Maybe the lawyer can swing it so that he can be served BY NAME in the newspaper??? I totally sympathize with her because I was totally a wreck waiting to see what he would do...in the end mine ignored it and his rights terminated...I think I scared him because I filed three police reports before the restraining order....you know, the police told me to talk to his parents to see if they could give me any help....maybe she could try that too....

Done rambling....hope the situation works out for everyone! It is awful when the reason to place is safety....and not need...she has my total respect and I know right where she is coming from.

[AMom2Two]

Well, I just found out that in our state, he would have 120 days from the date of birth to come forward and claim his son. That equals 4 months. I am just sick about everything. I feel I've waited so long, had one failed placement and now I have this on my plate. I want to stand by the pbmom but I am so scared. Having a baby home for 4 months and then losing him would just about put me over the edge. I can not decline this placement and I don't think that is the right thing to do anyway. If she choose us to become his parents then I have to stand by her, despite my fears.

This is soooooooo emotionally hard...

[bumpkin]

AMOM - I am not saying that you should decline this potential match, in fact, our eldest son was a named but unfound bf and we had to go through publishing in a different state etc... however, I'm wondering if you just feel like you have to take this match because it has been a long and difficult wait for you? Can your agency give you more input as to whether they will be counseling her to name him? I know our attorney told us that if they can get a name, she is happy to contact the bfather and explain to him what his rights and RESPONSIBILITIES ($$$$) are for the support of the child and that she'll be happy to send his name and information along to the state's department of child welfare for child support determination and garnishment. As a pp stated, sometimes it's a control issue and when a bfather that does not really want to parent, sees that it could be harmful for him to put an uneccessary stumbling block, just to get back at the bmom, he withdraws.

IS the information you are receiving from YOUR OWN attorney? or from the agency?

Some questions to ask about might be:

1. How old is the Bfather (if he is young, his parents may be a factor).

2. I know that an open adoption was very important to you, how will this work if you have a birthfather that is violent? (if in fact, that's the case)

3. Does your agency have out of state housing that the Bmom could utilize for safety's sake (I know 2 of the agencies we worked with had this)

4. Is everything else "perfect"?? is this why you feel that you cannot say no to the match?

5. How long has the agency been in contact with her? If it has not been a long time, they may be able to build more trust with her and make her feel comfortable with disclosing all the information - which really would be best, I would think, for all of you.

I don't mean to be negative, and AGAIN, I'm not saying you should not accept this placement , but I know that feeling and how difficult it is to say NO. If you have 2 months to go until she delivers, there is more time to see this situation change, hopefully for the better.

Best of Luck, Iknow you'll make the right decision! Come here for all the support you need.

Bumpkin

[numbr1dbcksfan]

You know... from what you said If she names a father...he gets served and his rights are severed within a certain number of days (30 I assume) if she does not name a father, he has 120 days to find out and come forward. Maybe someone can explain this to her...if she names him his rights could be terminated before the baby is born...and if he contests....it could go to court very soon and the judge COULD terminate his rights due to the situation(violence, etc.). If he has to come forward, the chance of his rights being terminated are worse because it looks like she withheld the pregnancy.... The chances of smoothness are much better if she names the father...if she doesnt, then she needs to know that she SHOULD NOT terminate her rights until his are terminated, otherwise if he comes forward, he gets the baby and she has no rights.... She is putting you and herself and the baby in a bad situation. I dont think agencies make these things clear....but someone should make it clear....

[djb_97]

Hello!

Congratulations!!!! I will be praying that everything will work out.

Keep in touch.

Hugs,
Deb

[AMom2Two]

Thank you for your well wishes and your support.

Bumpkin...Thank you for the list of items I can discuss with our social worker. I've copied them and will talk to our social worker about it more.

My Feelings......I feel the agency we are using is very good and I have complete faith in them. I know our social worker is trying very hard to get the pbmom to name the father. She is a young girl and is very scared. She wants to protect her baby and she feels the only way to protect the child is to not name him. She has the support of her family in the adoption plan and even their support that she not name the father.

My heart really goes out to this young girl, trying to do the best for her son, being scared to name the father incase he wants the child. In our last failed placement, that is what happened. It backfired on the mother. She named the father, the agency contacted him for over 4 months, he had no interest and claimed he was not the father, to go the ****away! She was in the hospital giving birth when the father came forward and wanted the child. She was forced to parent the child. So I've seen both sides now. That young girl was not ready to parent. She was only 17 and looking forward to her senior year of HS and college. She wouldn't give her baby to the father because he wanted her to have an abortion, she refused, he harrassed her so she had to get a restraining order against him. He was a HS drop out working part time in a gas station. She wanted more for her son. My heart really broke for her. I remember her crying to me on the phone that she had nothing for the baby.

For me, of course, I would like everything wrapped up nice and neat but in real life, sometimes that doesn't happen. I believe in my heart that this mother is trying to protect her child and to be able to give the child the type of life she wants him to have. She must feel that he would want the child or use the child as a pawn and that is why her and her family is recommending she doesn't name him.

There is still two months to go until she is expected to deliver, so maybe everything will work out for the best.

As far as the open adoption goes, as long as the mother is willing to stay involved with us, which she is, I am happy. Maybe after everything is all said and done, she will share her story with me.

I feel honored that she choose us and I won't walk away from her, even if I could. Part of me is actually starting to admire her, as I begin to understand why mothers don't name the fathers. They want to protect their child that they love so much. Since her family is agreement, I just know that she is looking out for her baby formost and if that means me sweating it for some months, then so be it.

I'll stand by her and her baby, as long as she wants me to.

[bumpkin]

Sorry, I didn't realized you were formally matched at this point.
I hope you were not offended by my previous post.

She is lucky to have someone as dedicated to her welfare and wellbeing as you are. It's funny how the road twists and turns and you find yourself dealing with things you really never expected, sometimes you look back and see that there was a plan all along and it allowed you to handle what you needed to.
Your elaboration of her motivation makes me more comfortable, it does not sound like she just doesn't want to "get him involved". I still hope that you have your own Legal counsel, as it will only get harder and harder for anyone in your position to see red flags - it is so easy to become so invested, how can you not.

I hope and pray things move swiftly and easily for you. It sounds like you have great confidence in your agency and you have some time to worth things out..

Best of Luck for you and your family. Did you say it was a Boy?