[Crane13]

We are adopting (or trying to) a 14 year old who has been in custody of the state for two years.

Finally, we will get to speak with M on the phone tonight and then meet with him and his DFS worker for an afternoon next week.

Ideally, our visits with him would be normal every day things that we would do at our house. M is living 200 miles away from us and we will be meeting with him in a "half-way" city. This kind of makes a normal visit hard to achieve.

On top of this, this is a teenager. Do we ask him to call us Mr. and Mrs... ? This seems like a silly question. What else could he call us right now?

I am sorry. I am babbling. I would love to hear from others who have experienced similiar situations. M is only 13 years younger then DH and I. I am worried about the tendancy to buddy rather then parent.

ugh. so many more questions...

Jill

[hprestonalexand]

this is so awsome! Honestly I would do whatever you could do to be REAL and make him comfortable. I would say to stay away from the Mr. and Mrs. unless he chooses to use them and go with first names until he is comfortable with Mom and Dad. I know you may want badly to be called Mom and Dad or it may not matter but this child has a mind of his own and may not be comfortable with it. I would just take it day by day and see how he is, let him know he can call you what he wants. I can see dh playing the roll of buddy v/s dad also and you might not be able to stop that. Maybe just constant reminders to dh to remember that dad is not always best friend, even though this young man may need a good friend. I don't know what the lines are there. Are you seeking therapy or counseling, you might want to look into that. This seems like it will be wonderful for you, dh, and your soon to be son, but it probably will have its ups and downs. I wish you luck, and I am proud of you. I think this is just grate!

[Support2Adopt]

If this is going to be your child, I wouldn't suggest going by Mr. and Mrs. Instead, use your first names when you introduce youselves and as time goes on, let him know he can call you whatever he is comfortable with.
JJ

[yasta]

Congratulations !!

First names and prayerfully he will call you mom and dad when he feels comfortable.



Yasta

[mlbsands]

Jill..

how did the call go?? Also.. just a word of advice.. I would NOT ask him to call you "mr. mrs... " right now.. ask HIM what he wants to call you.. When Britt (our then 15 year old FD) came to live with us this was VERY important.. she needed to decide what she was comfortable with.. we also gave her options but Mr. mrs... " was NOT one of them..

we felt like for someone liveing in our home that was WAY to formal.. so.. in the beginning she just called us Mandy and Dan.. but also considered Aunt Mandy/Uncle Dan (just to make it easier to explain to friends).. Now she calls us Mom and Dad and that was also AWAYS an option..

Ok.. let me know how it went.. oh yea.. when we first met her we all went to lunch and then to a mini golf place.. consider doing something like that.., fun, but not always having to talk.

Mandy

[Crane13]

Good to hear from you again Mandy! It has been fun to follow your progress and your Danial is beautiful!

We have gotten to talk with him on the phone twice. The second time, he asked us questions about ourselves. I think he is trying hard to sell himself at this point. He even said his favorite food is vegetables! That can't be truth! We are trying to convey that we just want to get to know him and that he shouldn't worry about scaring us away. That will come, I guess. So, we are waiting on everyone else to get in gear and set up a meeting. We have to meet him in an in between city once and then we can see him at his group home several hours away. Only then will they start the paperwork. This might be wishful thinking, but we would really like to have him as a foster situation by August 18th!!! Then he could start school with the rest of the freshmen. He will be attending the private school that my husband teaches at. I think it would be nice for him to start with the other students and not have to be Mr. H's adopted son.

So...hopefully we will get to meet him in person this week. I hate that he is in a group home. Sometimes when we call, the staff says that they can't deny or confirm that he even lives there. And I don't the other staff don't make it very easy to speak with him either. (we are on his contact list, but it still is hard to get to him.) Grrr. We have to get him out of there ASAP.

Thanks for the support.

Jill

[redhedded]

Hi Jill. It sounds as though the phone conversation went well; I love that he said his favorite food is vegetables! How great that he will attend school where dad teaches. Generally, if approved by the committee, the move can occur very quickly (if you are ready.)

Just wanted to clarify something about group homes, if you do not mind. I have been a Director of privately run, state and federally funded homes for many years with people with developmental disabilities and Axis I diagnoses. Depending on the state, they can be awesome programs with excellent and well trained staff, consistent and individual programs (including OT, PT, Speech and recreation therapy). While living in a group home can be really hard for young kids who have few or no disabilities, they are the ideal residential living arrangement for adults with autism and MR. It gives them the opportunity to live fairly independently, work, spend time with their friends, care for their own homes with minimal assistance and supervision. I know it is annoying for the staff to refuse to answer your questions, but as a supervisor, I would give them commendation for respecting and maintaining consumer confidentiality at all times.

Wishing you much luck in the coming weeks.

[Crane13]

I am sorry, redheaded. I actually used to work in group homes too. I am a SW, and that seems to be the 'starting off" position for lots of SWs. I really did not mean to put you or anyone else down, and I am sorry for that.

I know that the staff couldn't confirm that he lived there, but they didn't even bother to check his call list. Since we are on the list, they CAN confirm that he is there and let us speak with him. M is not in a group home for behavioral reasons. He is at that age (and sex, I might add) that there are not a ton of foster homes willing to accept him. He is in the regular classroom, and doesn't not have acting out behaviors. It is just hard to think about my child living under someone elses rules. And I know from experience what the baseline teens are like in group homes. I just want to get him out of there.

Oh- I used to work for Regoin V Services when I lived in Nebraska years ago. Ever heard of them?

Thanks for the feedback, and I did not mean any offence.

Jill

[redhedded]

Jill, I was not offended at all. I have just met hundreds of parents over the years who have such a misconception about group homes when it is the most appropriate placement for their child; there are great ones and terrible ones. However, it is certain that it is not an appropriate placement for this young man who has no developmental disability, behavioral issues or physical disabilities that require daily nursing care and who is in regular education. I can completely understand your frustration and sadness; I imagine that he is so anxious to live in a real family. I wish you all so much luck. Keep us posted.

[Just Julie]

Wow!! This is totally awesome! Three years ago we became foster parents to a 17 y/o boy 3 months before his HS graduation. He was a student at the HS where I teach, but I didn't know him until we heard of his situation. Anyway, just to say "been there, done that" and it has been incredible. He will be a college senior this year, and we hope to adopt soon.

He called us by our first names to start. As he never had a dad who treated him properly, he asked my husband if he could call him "Dad" pretty early. When he went to college he referred to us as his parents, so I asked if he wanted to call us "Mom" and "Dad" and he said he did. Ask him how he would like to refer to you with his classmates. That might lead to a good discussion and make the decision easier. If he starts with your first names, that might lead to more questions from his friends than he wants to answer, especially if he changes to "Mom" and "Dad" after a few months.

When you finally get him into your home, it might still be somewhat awkward at first. We had a snack after his former foster parents left and then moved furniture! The bedroom he was actually going to occupy was a different one than we had told the SW, but we needed to move out a heavy desk and move beds downstairs, etc. It lightened the atmosphere and we had a lot of laughs in the process. For us, having a task like that made it easier, so maybe you could clean the garage or remove some tree roots or put up some jam!

God bless you for taking a teenage boy. They need moms and dads as much as the little ones. Tears of joy for you!

[Crane13]

We met with him for the first time today. We had to meet at a court house, so it felt a little like having a family meeting at the DMV.

We absolutely love him. We are driving to his home (3 hours away) on Thursday to take him out for an unsupervised visit. His DFS worker is very excited and thinks that we might have a chance of getting him before the school year starts! He is such a great boy... handsome, smart, well spoken. I kind of don't think I could raise a child from birth to turn out as well as this youngster! I think I might be the luckiest mom in the world!

Thanks for all of your support this far. It couldn't have gone better.

Jill

[Crane13]

We met with him for the first time today. We had to meet at a court house, so it felt a little like having a family meeting at the DMV.

We absolutely love him. We are driving to his home (3 hours away) on Thursday to take him out for an unsupervised visit. His DFS worker is very excited and thinks that we might have a chance of getting him before the school year starts! He is such a great boy... handsome, smart, well spoken. I kind of don't think I could raise a child from birth to turn out as well as this youngster! I think I might be the luckiest mom in the world!

Thanks for all of your support this far. It couldn't have gone better.

Jill

[redhedded]

Jill, that is such awesome news. I am so happy for you. Cannot wait to hear how the next visit goes. Thanks for sharing.

[errica]

[i]I kind of don't think I could raise a child from birth to turn out as well as this youngster! I think I might be the luckiest mom in the world! [/b]

Wow, that is such a cool statement. Totally got me teared up. I think he might be the luckiest kid in the world...

[DinPAis2adopt]

Jill, that is great news that things are progressing so well for your family! I have enjoyed reading the updates, but never posted here.

So many people have a fear of adopting an older child, and it's true that they sometimes (oftentimes?) have more "baggage", but that is only natural. They need love and attention just as badly as an infant or a 3 year old.

My wife and I are foster-to-adopting a 10 year old boy. 99% of the time he is so great! He's smart, funny, talented, and great to be around. Sure, he has some moments of "bad behaviors", but what kid doesn't? He is doing fantastic, especially for the things that he has been through in his young life. He came to our home to meet us first as a "respite" weekend visit, and 2 weeks later, he moved in forever!

Keep on sharing your progress. It is uplifting to hear about more kids getting the home they deserve.

D