[wishing4real]

We found out that we get to be at the hospital during the birth of our dd and in the nursery following. We were unsure if B would let us in because we didn't know if she would let us know her last name (need an identifying bracelet to get in the nursery with the mother's (patient's) name on it).

I was so happy to hear that we get to be there, but now my worries have shifted to what it will be like. Should we visit with B?? Should we be there all the time with the baby? Should/can we bring a gift to B?

Will it be uncomfortable? What do you say? Will the hospital staff treat me like I am the mom when I am there, or will they share all the medical info with B? I just don't know what to expect or prepare for!!!

I am somewhat of a worry wart - it is just such an intense situation and I want to do what is right for everyone. Any ideas, suggestions, experiences?

[saxxxy]

I will PM you with our experience.

[Sarah0518]

Unfortunately there is no set policy for how hospitals handle adoptions. You'll find each of us had a different experience. Some pleasant, some less so. Get in touch with the social worker at that hospital. They best can let you know what the hospital policy is.

[DebCsMom]

Sarah is right, there is no set policy. Every hospital will be different. To be honest, you can't even rely on the hospitals policys because it's really up to the Nurse in charge how she wants to do things. But you should have a Hospital plan made out in WRITING with the Birth Mom, you & the agency to give to the hospital. Also contact the hospital Social Worker & let her in on the plan. HOPEFULLY they will allow it & follow it.

We have adopted 3 times & each one was TOTALLY different. With the first we were treated totally like the parents. We were with our daughter from the very second we could be (15 minutes old). We were there when they checked her out, first bath, etc. They gave us our own room & were AWESOME to both her Birth Mom & to us.

With our 2nd adoption we were only at the hospital for 1 day. Birth Mom was discharged when we got to the hospital the following day. They basically left us alone. If we needed anything we had to ask. At discharge they were very good

With our 3rd it was a NIGHTMARE!! Even though we had a Hospital plan made, they said they didn't have to do anything if they didn't want to. The Socail Worker at the hospital was a TOTAL B****! Even when the bmom told her she wanted us involved she would tell the bmom O.K. & then tell us NO. The Social Worker flat out told us she didn't believe in adoption & said we should go & leave the bmom alone. She actually tried to change the bmoms mind! SOME of the Nurses were nice & some were terrible!

So we had all kinds of experiences. But as far as what the bmom wants, follow her lead. She will change her mind on things 1000 times! Don't crowd her but don't be too distant. She will want to see you interact with the baby but may not want you to smother it. You know what I mean. Just follow your instincts & Bmoms leads.

Sorry there is no real answer to your question. GOOD LUCK!!

Deb

[michellemartin]

my only advice is to give her lots of time. Leave the hospital for a few hours at a time to "go to lunch/supper". It might be hard to leave, but the firstmom has limited time to say hello and goodbye. She may also be uncomfortable in asking for this time, so its up to you to give it to her.

I had a hospital plan so the hospital staff was aware of my wishes and that the plan was changeable. I'll pm you with that info.

Good luck

[jewelewis]

I am glad ou posted this question. I would be interested in what everyone has to say as well. We are adopting a baby that will be induced next week(yeah!!! ). "D" wants me at the hospital. I too am concernced about the hospital staff. I have talked to several people there though and they all seem very nice. My situation is a little different because I will be breast feeding. "D" knows this and supports it. I needed to let the hospital know so they are prepared. I would love to hear what everyones experience in the hospital was too. PM me if you would like.
Julie

[wishing4real]

Thank you all for sharing such nice stories and good advice. It is just hard to know how much time is either too much time or not enough time. We will want to live there, but will also need to give B space. I just want to do the right thing. Every situation is so different that I am not sure any of us could answer what the right thing is.

I am relieved to know that we will be able to spend time with our dd during her first days and that we will be able to offer support to B, if she so desires. I guess we will wait and see what happens.

[79nic]

August22,

Just a suggestion... You might want to bring the hospital staff a "gift." Home-baked cookies or something. That could go a long way towards softening them to you.

As for your questions:

Should you bring bmom a gift? Yes-- my suggestion is just flowers. That lets her know you care, without giving any possibility as being misconstrued as some kind of "bribe."

Should you visit with the bmom? Yes-- if she wants it-- show some interest in HER. Try not to talk all baby in front of her. The last time I gave birth (my second), I had my hubby and inlaws there, and I was NOT relinquishing... but even then, when the nurses took Elise to the nursery, and inlaws and hubby trotted off after them, and I was suddenly all alone in the delivery room, I felt AWFUL. Like I was just a baby machine, and no one cared about me. And this was for the daughter I KEPT! It would have been nice if someone asked me how I was feeling and stuck around.

How much time should you spend with the baby? You'll be so excited, and no wonder-- you deserve to be! But the bmom will really need some alone time with the baby. I agree with another poster who said go out to lunch, etc. for several hours at a time, to give her time with baby.

About the hospital plan... the hospital experience is really about what works for the bmom. I would recommend letting her make up the plan on her own, but asking to see it before the hospital, so that you're aware of what she wants. And yes, it could change a lot as the labor and delivery progresses.

Congratulations on getting to go to the hospital!
Keep us posted on how it goes. You'll do great!!!! Can' t wait to hear that you have your little one home with you!!!

Nicole

[michellemartin]

Oh, a great after labor and delivery gift I think would be a massage certificate. I was sore for days and would have loved that.

[3inCO]

Hi. Our first son was placed with us at six days old so we did not get the hospital experience the first time. Our second son was born and we went to meet his birth mom the next day and to pick him up. This hospital basically ignorned our very exisitence. I don't think anyone even spoke to us except the b-mom, her friend and the agency social workers. It was creepy. The third time was better. When A was born the staff always talked to us and the b-mom. We were there several hours after birth, as per N's request. When she was discharged before the baby, because A was not eating well, and she had Doogie Howser as a doctor (his very first delivery alone), N made it clear that she wanted me in the nursery with A until she was able to be discharged. They did not like this too much but we had a nurse who had been there 26 years by that time and she was totally on our side, she advocated for b-mom's wishes and really worked with all of us.

My suggestion would be to make sure b-mom is getting her needs met. N was young and it was hard to get her to talk about what she needed. So we kept asking her questions about what she needed and then making it happen.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you will probably be feeling emotions that you could never imagine happening together. I thought I was prepared each time, and each time it overwhelmed me. To feel such joy for your family and the see and feel such sorrow for another family surrounding the same event is one of the oddest things I have ever experienced. Just be prepared to feel deep sadness for the birthmother's loss.

Good Luck!

Becky

[savoy6]

It is pretty much out of your control what the hospital will be like. I worried so much about the what ifs. I had worst case and best case scenerios all worked out months before he was even born. But what really ended up happening was so much better and natural than I could ever of expected. The birthmother(who is my sister in law) and I put so many "rules" into what we definetly would and wouldn't be comfortable with. But not one of the "rules" were followed because in the moment they didn't feel right. We both just did what felt ok to us at the moment. I had given birth two times myself and was kinda grossed out by the whole process. So we both agreed we would be more comfortable if I stayed up by her head during the delivery. Well when she was having bad contractions and was getting ready to push I ended up "down there". And you know what, it was incredible. I breathed with her, she squeezed my hand off, I saw everything. We went through it together. My brother in law couldn't handle the whole birth thing. He picked a fight with her during contractions and stormed out. She was very alone and scared. And truthfully so was I. She had said all along that she didn't want to see the baby. But after he was born she was calling across the delivery room,"how does he look, is he ok?"
And I hollered back,"yes he's beautiful"

The only time I ever left his side was when she came to the small waiting room that the hospital cleared out for me and the baby to stay in. She asked me to bring him to her room. It was 1 oclock in the morning and her, me, and the baby all laid on her bed and we counted toes and talked about who he looked like.
We were all in the hospital together for 2 1/2 days and we all ate together, played a lot of yahtzee and when the nurses needed the baby they always called us both his mother. And that was ok because we both are.

The hospital staff was a little uncomfortable with us all at first because I think they didn't want to offend anyone or step on any toes. And truthfully how could I expect them to act a certain way to our situation, when we had no idea and moved through it second by second. They were a little suprised I was nursing him but the suprise turned into curiosity and we got a lot of interest on the floor.

I guess the gist of this long reply is to just go with it. Don't limit your incredible experience by the influence of people who you are only going to see for a day or two. No one can steal your joy. The only way it can be lost is if you give it away.