[Crane13]

I was just wondering if anyone has experience adopting a diferent race into your family. I have an all CC family and we are considering bringing a 14 y/o AA boy into our home for a forever home. It is just Hubby and I at this time, but we are foster parents too and are dedicated to continuing this.

I have never seen race as a barrier. People are people are people. But I was just hoping to hear about other experiences. The child (child! He's 14!) is old enough to make his own decision, but might be so desperate for a home that he doesn't think about what other people will think or say. Again, I don't care what people think or say, but I need to consider what this will be like for my potential child.

Just hoping to find some other people with similiar situations or knowledge.

Thanks! Jill

[Para]

Dont do it.
This has nothing to do with his race but it has EVERYTHING to do with his age-DONT' DO IT!

YOU ARE OPENING UP MAJOR TROUBLE IN YOUR LIFE IF YOU ADOPT A 14YO CHILD IN YOUR FIRST ADOPTION.
read, research and take classes on RAD if you plan to adopt a 14yo child.

[Crane13]

Thanks for the concern, but this is an extraordinary young man. And my husband is a high school teacher and very experienced with this age group. This guy had a bad situation and is now really hoping to find a forever family of his own before he ages out of the system. God brought him into our lives at this point, and who am I to fight with God? The legalization would be about a year from now. We received his social history, expecting to see some red flags. And we didn't. He is a very neat guy with big potential. Next step is to write him a letter, and answer his. Then phone conversation. Then visits. Like ten of them! Then he would come to us for foster care, since we are licensed. After all of that, the workers want him to be 16 before the adoption is finalized. This is purely for the financial gains that this child would recieve. (savings for college). Again, I appreciate the concern, but we are not really just jumping into this.

Also, there are not many homes that will even consider a child his age. He did not choose his bparents. He did not provoke them or make them drink into oblivion or what ever they did. Don't you think he deserves a chance at a normal life with people who love him unconditionally?

[Para]

((but this is an extraordinary young man. And my husband is a high school teacher and very experienced with this age group. This guy had a bad situation and is now really hoping to find a forever family of his own before he ages out of the system. God brought him into our lives at this point, and who am I to fight with God?))

By reading your post I do see that you have thought this through. I also agree and understand spiritual intervention. Gifts from god are a blessing-your on the right track.

I hope I didn't offend you in my first post cause it was only meant as concern. I wish you all the best and hope it all turns out as a wondeful match for the young man.

love and hugs

[Crane13]

Do you have experience with older adoptions, or were you going on what you have heard? Always looking for feedback...

Jill

[riley6]

I've fostered a lot of teens, well, maybe not a lot, but more than a handful. I've adopted two. They were 10 and 13 when placed with me three years ago. They're great kids and my 15 yr old son is a dream child. NEVER would I think that the kid I'd be closest to was my teen son. He's my shadow. He helps me cook and clean up afterwards, he's always there for the little kids to read a book, he helps with the groceries, he's just great! Everyone tells me what a wonderful child he is!

[amom4life]

I think how things work out has a lot to do with the child. We adopted a 13yr. old and it was a diaster. It sounds like you've put some thought into the decision though and know what you're getting into. We did not and that was an injustice to us and to the child.

I think its wonderful that you are able to give this child a loving home and a forever family!

God bless you all!
Judy

[Crane13]

Judy, can you tell me a little about your life with the ateen? This would be our first forever child, and we are still in the very early stages. I really want to hear about other experiences with teens being adopted...good and bad. I KNOW there are definately both. Feel free to PM me about it, if that would be better.

Riley, I would love some more info from you too. 2 teens? Were they adopted at the same time? How did you get to know them? What were your first visits with them like?

This guy that we are wanting has a diagnosis of Oppositional defiance disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder. BUT, he is not taking any medications, because he is doing so well. He doesn't have ANY trouble with authority figures. The only symptom displayed of his ODD is fighting with peers. This is verbal though and hasn't occured for quite a while. And he is in a group home, where unfortanately, fighting tends to happen. Correct me if you think I am wrong, but we still dont see this as a red flag.

Jill

[riley6]

>>>>>>>Riley, I would love some more info from you too. 2 teens? Were they adopted at the same time? How did you get to know them? What were your first visits with them like?

This guy that we are wanting has a diagnosis of Oppositional defiance disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder. BUT, he is not taking any medications, because he is doing so well. He doesn't have ANY trouble with authority figures. The only symptom displayed of his ODD is fighting with peers. This is verbal though and hasn't occured for quite a while. And he is in a group home, where unfortanately, fighting tends to happen. Correct me if you think I am wrong, but we still dont see this as a red flag. >>>>


My kids are bio siblings. We had them for respite for one weekend and they moved in the next. We were fostering in the hopes of adopting.

Our first visit we put together a puzzle, ate pizza for dinner, watched a movie at home, and took a walk around our neighborhood with the dog. The next day we went to the mall, hung our in the yard doing yardwork, made tacos, played monopoly.

Sunday we went to church, made speghetti together, did laundry for them to go back to their foster home.

We wanted to do just normal stuff that we do, so as not to have them think every day was going to be exciting and special. We did things that we do regularly as a family. While we did things though, we talked a lot and really got to know them. We had had a really bad experience the previous year with a teen and wanted to make sure we didn't have another disaster on our hands.

The following week they moved in and they have been a wonderful addition to our family ever since.

Their initial diagnoses were ODD, anxiety, depression, and PTSD. They were on medication. They were in therapy. There were problems in school. They were both truant a lot and were repeating the same grade as the previous year. They were on IEPs for reading and math.

By the following school year, they were off all meds, had perfect attendance, were on honor roll, and no longer had their IEPs. They finish therapy last year. I won't say they're perfect. There are times when my son will lose his temper, although it is VERY seldom now. Maybe once every couple of months. They very seldom disrespect us or talk back. That was a big issue previous to us getting them.

We set down our rules from the beginning. We are strict and we told them so. We told them what our expectations were from the beginning. They were to go to church with us every Sunday. They were to participate in our youth program and one school extracurricular activity. They could choose whatever they were interested in, a sport, a club, or scouts. Our priority is school and we expect that they do their best. We don't expect all A's, but if you are more capable of C's we expect that. They came to us flunking their grades a second time. Their grades were all D's and F's. They made honor roll the second semester with us.

We gave them extra privaleges as they earned them. They had to ask for what they wanted. We were a lot stricter at first than we are now, bc they had never had structure and disapline in their lives. Their older sister was their caregiver and when she left the home, they took care of themselves. We had to teach them how a "normal" family works and that parents are in charge so the kids could just be kids. They now realize why we were the way we were and even have commented when they see other families with the kids getting into trouble bc their parents don't give them boundaries.

One thing I learned from raising my older kids (bios) is that the parents have to clearly be the parents. I've seen too many families where the parents try to be their kids' friends. It doesn't work. When the kids have big issues, who are they to go to for help if their parent is just another one of their friends?

Good luck to you. Lay down your rules right away and see how he reacts. If it's a power struggle right off, it may not be a good match for you. If he's accepting of your role, it might work out.

[Crane13]

That was the most helpful information I have been given about this situation! My husband and I are 27, a mere 12 years older then this child who might be our son. I am very concerned about the tendency to buddy like a kid sibling rather then parent. I would love as much info as you could possibly pass on about priveledges that are earned, consequences. We have been talking about how it would be easier to start out strict from the beginning, since you can't ever go back. Great advice about doing something normal for visits. Great help to hear about the drivign priveledges. We were thinking that we want M** with us for a year, possibly, before he is allowed to work towards a drivers license. I love the contracts on the fridge. Do the teens help write these? Do you have an example? Great that they need to be in church youth group, an outside activity etyc. I cannot stress how helpful this has been. I really would love to hear more about your discipline, rules, chores, requirements, etc.

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!
Jill