[onedad]

I'm adopting a 13 [14 next month] yo teenager from a group home. By all accounts, he has no special medical/mental health needs and is quite bright to say the least.

I am going on week #6 for transistion. The boy is being told that unless he can wake up in the morning and make his bed, do his morning chores, that he can't move in with me. Mind you, he's on the "ADHD Rollar Coaster Cocktail Ride" of drugs [and has NO ADHD according to his psych eval]. He has complained that he can't get going in the morning because of the sleeping pill, so they give him Adderal, then he can't get to sleep at nite because of the Adderal, so they give him a sleeping pill... see the circle of fun there?

What I'd like to know is what is a normal transistion period for a normal 14 yo teen, and secondly, are they allowed to dangle a family in front of this kid like a carrot in order to get him to change his behaviors? Something seems unethical here to me. But then again, this IS Arizona....

1dad

[polkadotghost]

I work in a treatment home for extreme behavioual children (in Canada). Its like a group home but we do treatment. I find it morally and ethically reprehesible that they are doing this!!! We NEVER threaten to cancell a visit or stop a placement no matter how badly the child is behaving. That is not the staff's call, it is the social worker's and family's. A lot of kids(even teens) when faced with moving into a new family or even going home to their previous family will pretty much every time sabotage the placement (better to jump than to be pushed kind of thinking). If it is the staff at the group home that are doing this I would immediately speak to the program manager, team leader and social workers as this can really do damage to this poor kid. Not being able to get up in the morning and then losing a family is an extremly cruel, inappropriate and repulsive punishment for a kid. This is not a natural consequence. Where in life if you have trouble getting up in the morning do you lose a family??!!!

I've also seen doctors who are very med happy. Its a quick cycle they can get into of drugs to get up and drugs to go asleep. I've seen the kids that desperately need these medications to just maintain some level of functioning and I've also seen kids so drugged up they don't even know what is really wrong with them anymore. I've seen kids come off of schizophrenic medications to discover they dont' have schizophrenia but were just faking it to get out of an abusive foster home. If there is a social worker involved I'd be speaking to them and if that doesn't help then go to their boss. Its a hard road to work with these kids but it is so rewarding to see them have a family and I have never met a kid that didn't want one desperately. I wish you so much luck.

April

Ps. a "normal"transition period doesn't exist. Some kids take a few weeks to transition, some take years. Usually the older the child the longer the transition. And its a rollar coaster. They usually honeymonn (perfect behaviour for a while) then rebell and see how far they can push you till you walk away, then peace, then they really start to test you. This often repeats and goes up and down when you least expect it. But with consistency and repeated "we love you and we won't give up on you" it should slowly smooth out.

[onedad]

It has gotten to the point that I hired a lawyer who has worked in our system out here for years and knows a lot of insiders, bosses, social workers, etc. She is terrific!

Their original thinking was a 6 month plan. Now, I have been visiting this boy for 6 weeks now, he and I get along just wonderful. Although I do know about honeymoons with adopted children, testing by teens, etc., I don't think there would be a problem with the boy moving in. He is nearly begging each time I see him now. I'm begging the SWs after each visit to speed this process along.

The SWs are saying "If you don't get good merit points by making your bed in the morning, you can't be adopted." WORD FOR WORD.

I'll give it one more week for the SWs to make up their minds otherwise I'll go directly to the judge in charge of the child and make my plea there. If it is rejected there, I have no other choice but to move on. This is absolutely terrible for me to even think of but I have to be real-- I am not adopting adults for the love of God! He'll be an adult by the time all this turns out. No, I'm not kidding.

1dad

[lucyjoy]

He's 14 qnd has no mental health needs but is on medication?
Sounds like an out right lie to me.

Also, I don't buy that the kids can't get up and make his bed on time. How long has he been in the group home? Sounds a bit oppositional to me. Does he have an alarm clock?

Did the adults or the child tell you he was being told this?

Not to downplay the ignorance of the system, but it sounds to me as if information has been withheld from you regarding this child's needs.

[Mmckie2000]

We are in the process of adopting a 14 yo and we will have a total of 3 visits and several phone calls before signing the paperwork. She is also in a group home, as a temporary placement, and she doesn't have any major issues. Her worker wanted to get her placed so that she could have some time before school started to get settled in.

[onedad]

I was hoping for the same thing. I wanted to spend some quality time, one on one, before school starts but it looks like the SWs have it the other way. It's rediculous, I'm going on week #7 for transition for a boy that is perfectly normal.

[Mmckie2000]

It's so frustrating dealing with the whole process. It seems like you are always in "hurry up and wait" mode. Then once you are matched you think you can breathe but nope, here comes something else. We have been fortunate but it's still hard to talk to my daughter over the phone and hear her talk of the other kids who need to be there. She's constantly saying ow she wants to come home and I don't know quite what to tell her. Prayfully things will get better for you. God bless.

[onedad]

I do hope so... I think the system is fine, it's the people running the system that need a major overhaul.

[ericsmom98]

I can't understand why they would be giving him medicine if his psych. said he didn't have ADHD. I totally agree that the pills can be making him exceptionally lethargic in the morning. We stopped giving those to my stepson when he told us how bad it made him feel in the morning. My stepson is 18 now, and not taking any medication. He used to take several pills a day. He has ADHD and ODD. It is hard because the adderal or ritalin will make them stay awake, so you have to give them a sleeping pill at night...which makes it so hard for them to get up in the morning. If I were you, I'd have a psych. who specializes in teen behavior problems see him and give you his eval. If he does not have ADHD, he should NOT be taking meds for it.

And this statement:

"If you don't get good merit points by making your bed in the morning, you can't be adopted."

is absolutely reprehensible!!! I cannot believe that they would say that!! Threaten him with losing a privilege such as phone or internet, but my God do NOT threaten him with not being adopted!!! Unbelievable!! BTW, please do NOT give up on this boy because of the SWs ignorance.....fight for him....you may be the only one fighting for him!!!

GL and God bless!!! ++++++++++

[onedad]

I am fighting for him, lawyer and all. The lawyer has them back on a normal transistion plan... we're having our over-niter here soon, then (fingers crossed) our move in.

He's well worth fighting for, all kids are. I feel I'm saving him from the social workers, not the group home, at this point.

[Crane13]

It is in the SW best interest to place the child in a forever home. Taking time in a situation like this is usually the best thing for all involved parties. 7 weeks even seems rather short, based on my experience. (We are also adopting and almost 15 yo.) Can you advocate for him to moved into a foster home until he can be with you? It is in both of your best interets to see how he does in a family setting. Can you get licensed for foster care and be his foster home? If you are working with an agency, they might be able to rush you through the change (just changing a paragraph on your home study).

Possible triangulation here. Child telling you something, group home workers something else, and SW also. Can you all get together and hash this out? Maybe the child wants to see how commited you are and how much you will fight for him...

Best of luck. Jill

[onedad]

I have no desire, interest, or energy to become foster certified. It took nearly 2 years to get adoptive certified! Putting foster certification on top of that is another year long wait [8 months alone just for the home inspection].

The boy is about to be 14, is mature for his age, and is very bright. A transition period of more than 4 weeks is unheard of for a boy in his position and condition. Also, he's in-between foster homes right now, hence the group home. He's well aware of how to live in a family setting. It's not a matter of "if" I want this boy, nor is it a matter of "if" he wants our family-- those questions were satisfied on our first visit.. 2 months ago. Every visit now the question of "when" comes to up. I certainly am NOT backing out, not in a million years, and neither is he.

The social workers are the ones with cold feet, everybody else is happy and ready to go to the next phase. I fear the boy will become an adult before he moves in... and no, I'm NOT joking.

They say older children are the hardest to adopt OUT, and now I know why... it's not that there are no familes for them, it's that the social workers are the biggest road blocks in this system. They hold everything up, get in the way, and make life generally miserable.

[Crane13]

From a SW perspective, they want to "move" their kids into good families! I find it hard to believe that there is someone who actually wants to keep a child from entering into an appropriate family situation.

As I was saying before... Your adoptive home study can be changed to a foster home study by ADDING ONE PARAGRAPH!!!!! Your agency will do this for you, probably for free. Probably in an hour! If you are already cleared for adoption, it is just a paragraph that is added. Not a year of anything. You already took the Pride class? and you got fingerprinted, etc.? You made it sound like you would do anything for the child, but then said that having him as a foster child would be too much...

Also, I would question any agency that tried to make an adoption placement of a teen within 4 weeks. Taking your time and taking the childs time is one of the gifts of adopting an older child. The agency will want to keep you and the child from having any surprises.

Good luck with your situation.

[onedad]

To become a foster parent, you need:

1. 2 more classes
2. A little bit more write up in the home study
3. A home inspection
4. Another in home visit from the SW

The above, on paper, is about 3 or 4 weeks. But, in reality, it's 8 to 12 months. Believe me, I've been in this system for years, I know how everything works [and doesn't work, in this case].

The boy and I are as acquainted as we're going to get. I can't "observe" behaviors by visiting on the weekends. Any TRUELY BAD behaviors are going to come up when the child moves in. I'm prepared and have been, again, for years. Knowing he has bad behaviors before he moves in doesn't change the fact that he's still my son. I'm NOT going to say "Oh my god, he punched a hole in the wall in his bedroom!! HE'S OUTTAH HERE!" Lol! Like I expect every kid to be an angel? NOT! Especially with teenagers and the raging hormones. I've already parented 2 other teenagers. Been there, done that.

I don't share the same faith in social workers as you. Quite the opposite, actually. I'd rather chum up to my wife's divorce lawyer than spend an afternoon with a social worker, but that's just me. I __know__ I'm not the only one on adoption.com that feels the same way, trust me.

[lucyjoy]

The boy should have a GAL, is he any help?