[creech40]

Our 2 1/2 year old neice has been in foster care for 10 months. Thankfully, she is in a very loving, Christian home where they have adopted 4 other children through the foster care system. They are starting the process for parental rights termination next month, and we have said all along that if rights are terminated, we would love to make her a part of our family. The foster family would also like to adopt her. We truly want what is best for her, and are concerned about how the transition to our home would affect her at this age, and is staying where she is more important than being with family who loves her? Her mother is a drug addict who will not have any contact with her either way, and the father has been absent for over a year.

Also, my husband was adopted when he was 4 and has done very well with his life. We have a 4 1/2 yr old son, a daughter who is 7 weeks older than our neice, and are expecting a baby in 5 months. We feel like our neice would fit right in with our family, and the kids all love being together.

Thanks!
C.

[Just Julie]

If your niece stays with her current foster family, and it sounds like you know them well, will she continue to have contact with you and any other blood relatives? How well does she know you now? Based on little info, I'd say leave her be. If she is well cared for and loved in a Christian home, which you value, moving is needlessly traumatic, especially if you will be able to remain as aunt, uncle and cousins to her. God bless you and your new addition also.

[Howdy]

My current foster daughter (who I would LOVE to adopt) is probably going to be moved to her relatives, and if they really want her and will love her, I think it will be the best thing for my fdaughter. If they don't really want her and are only offering to take her because they don't want her adopted, I think she will be hurt if she detects their ambivalence.

According to my fd's caseworker, there are lots of studies showing that children are better off growing up with relatives than being adopted by an unrelated family. So theoretically you are the best placement for your niece. I have no idea what the details of the studies are, maybe since your niece would have 4 other adopted siblings she would be just as happy either way.

I don't know about the possible emotional/psychological damage to a 2 1/2 yr old being moved, I think it would be important to have visits so you are not a stranger to her, and I've read that it is important to a child's adjustment to have the current parents take and give the child to the new parents, I think so the child doesn't feel stolen. If the foster family can help with the process, i.e., if they aren't too resentful of losing their daughter, I think she should be able to make the transition well.

I think you need a professional that is experienced with this. Have you asked your niece's caseworker how the transition would be arranged? The caseworker should (one hopes) be well educated about how to transition children without causing emotional scars.

She (or possibly he - all my experiences have been with 'she' caseworkers) will surely have a plan that everyone must follow to have a good transition for the child. My current fd's case has also been assigned someone whose job is facilitating moves into relative placements. My impression was that I, the foster mom who really wanted to be the adoptive mom, may or may not be included in one of the conferences with the relatives. If I am included, I've been told that my role will be to describe a typical day with my fd.

If I were you, I'd pursue making my niece part of my family.

[creech40]

Thank you for your replies. The foster family is very open to letting the family stay a part of our neice's life, and we actually run into them in our weekly routine at the Y and such. The fmom might even send her to the same preschool as our kids. However, when they say they'll let us be involved, they underestimate how crazy our family is!! LOL!! And there are also 5 different families (between grandparents and aunt/uncles) that want to keep in touch with this little girl.

Howdy-That is very interesting that you reply that you think it is best to be with family, being a foster parent with a child you'd like to adopt. I'd love to see some of those studies about family vs adopt. We'd love to have her in our family, that has been our stance all along. Her ffamily is wonderful, I really think that they would be wonderful parents for her, and their kids love her, too. I just don't want her to come back later and say, Why didn't you take me, you had the means and the room, no real reason why you couldn't, heck you even thought about it. As far as the transitions go, I heard briefly that they would start visitations with us as the process was moving forward. She knows us all, and the kids love each other, but we aren't real close, certainly not like I am with my sister and her family.

One of the biggest issues right now, is that we are sensing that if we have her, it will never be over for the bmom. She will always try to pit family members against us, or think she can somehow manuveur her way into our life. As it stands now, we really have little to no contact with her, and it is much better for all the kids that it is that way. There is also the whole issue of putting our family in danger-the b mom has lots of issues, drug problems, and hangs with shady people. The family is really split 50/50 on what should happen with our neice, but ultimately, it is us who make the decision. We are really going back and forth, I know we would both love her as one of our own, and that we could handle it, but maybe it is better for her, and for the family as a whole to stay with ffamily, especially since we can still stay in contact with her, however is that going to be confusing for her??? Who are these people in my life, and why didn't they take me if they're my family???

I suppose there is not a clear decision right now, I just wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what is going to happen, to answer all those what ifs...
Thanks-
C.

[Karmen]

My sister-in-law & brother-in-law adopted my nieces when they were abt. 4 & 5 1/2 yrs. old, but had them as fchildren since they were abt. 1 & 2 1/2 yrs. old. They went back & forth between them & their birthmother several times before her parental rights were eventually terminated permanently. Their birthmother was also an addict & had some other "issues" as well. They visit their bmothers sister whenever they can. She moved to a neighboring State, but she long ago cut off all ties with their bmother because of her treatment of the girls. They are a huge part of her family, and spend a few weeks with them every summer and most major holidays are shared 1/2 & 1/2, with them spending a week with her at Christmas too. They love their Aunt R. They know their family history because of her, can see pictures of the family so they know where they got their features, they know their bmothers name of course but refer to her as C. It has been great for them, and I don't think they've ever questioned why R never adopted them. They are now 14 1/2 & 16, happy, well adjusted kids. The birthmother used to call her sister out of the blue every couple of years and says she was going to "find" the girls and try to see them... R would panic & worry that if she ever did find them, that my sister-in-law would somehow "blame" her for it. We know that R loves the girls just as much as we do and would never jeopardize them like that, and that if C ever did find them, it would be without any help from R. Well, my nieces just "ran into" their birthmother a few weeks ago as a matter of fact (come to find out it had been set up... long story for another thread) but it had nothing to do with their Aunt R, and was very traumatic for them both, but especially for the youngest. C cried & carried on, tried to hug them, kept confessing her "love" for them... it was very traumatic for them. I can't imagine the affect if this had happened when they were younger. But that is something to think about. The birthmother might not leave you alone if you had your niece. She will always know where she is, and if she's anything like the birthmother of my nieces, that would scare the heck outta me. Your niece might be safer with someone outside of the family if her bmother is unstable. I just hope you make the decision that is best for your niece and for your family situation, not a decision based on worrying what she'll think about you later if you don't adopt her. If you didn't plan on staying in contact with the ffamily, than I would worry about her wondering (years from now) why someone in her birthfamily didn't adopt her instead or maybe feeling some abandonment issues. But if you stay in her life & she knows you love her, I don't think she'll ever question it. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Karmen