[faerywiccan74]

Hi all, new here, usually a lurker, but just felt like venting. I am truly tired of the adoption game at this moment in my life. I am infertile, lost my bio DD at 7 mos gestation, lost an international adoption, and have just lost our 2nd domestic in 5 weeks. All of this adoption loss in 5 months (we lost our bio DD years ago). I'm also tired of everyone telling me that it's for the best, or it was not meant to be, etc... People must think that helps, when in actuality it just grates on my last nerve.

Our first domestic was the hardest. I was in contact with our ** 3-4x/day, went to all appointments, went out just for lunch. Then one day she dropped out of contact, and we never heard from her again. Not only was this emotionally devistating, it was financially difficult also. We lost a very large amount of money. We supported her with everything for 4 months, and not even an "I'm sorry."

Two weeks later we got a call for another ** due in 2 weeks, would we be willing to give it a shot? Absolutely! We got to meet **, she was wonderful, was supposed to be there for the birth, we were honored, and just get a call today that she changed her mind. A family member she hasn't talked to in years felt that he should have the baby. Ugh, so tired of this emotional rollercoaster.

We wanted to do a domestic after our failed international, because we realized how important it was to have a relationship with a ** and her family. However, I think that we have had enough. We will probably give up the hope of an infant, and just adopt from China. It was one of our first chioces in international, and since I will be 30 soon, I guess we should start that incredibly high moutain of paperwork again. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, and hope everyone else is doing better.

Fey

[seeking2adopt]

I am so sorry for all that you have been through of late. It is very difficult and draining, emotionally and financially. We've had two failed domestic adoptions, and the financial losses that go along with that. I hope that you will find encouragement and support here. Again, I am sorry for all of this hurt! {{{hugs}}}

Stephanie

[heikkila]

I'm so sorry for your losses. I really understand.

We completed an adoption from Guatemala after a failed domestic last year and are very happy with that process. One of the reasons we chose Guatemala is because it is possible to adopt young infants.

You are young - take some time off if you need it - take care of yourself. Then look at your options again when you've had a break from the rollercoaster.

I hope you don't call it quits just yet.

Rebecca

[amom4life]

I'm so sorry for all you've been through! We also had two failed domestic adoptions before finding our beautiful son.

I'm curious how does an international adoption fail? The children are already free for adoption right?
Judy

[faerywiccan74]

Because our country went on hold while we were in the middle of getting ready to travel, and has not, and apparently will not, be opeing back up anytime soon.....


Fey

[redhedded]

Hi Fey, I am so sorry for your difficult journey. I would never say that "it was meant to be" or "for the best." I believe that things occur following human decisions (and sometimes government decisions) that have no greater meaning; on the adoption journey, our choices, combined with the choices of others, of which we have no control, can guide us to our destiny. It can be so arduous, lengthy and draining; hopefully you have tremendous strength from those who surround you that can encourage you to try again. We, too, had two failed matches before the birth of our daughter. Open and communicative relationships were built with great women; neither situation would happen. We took control where we could by locating and working with a different agency.

Deciding whether to adopt internationally or domestically is such a personal decision for a myriad of reasons. A close friend of mine found that China was the best choice for her, and we believed that domestic was the best for us.

I agree with Heikkila; take care of yourself. We, however, did not take a break from the rollercoaster but jumped right back on. Thank God, as we met our daughter less than twelve hours after our last failed match.

Sending you positive thoughts. . .

[danika]

I too know how you feel.We've been on the rollercoaster for approx.4 years.Failed infertility treatments,miscarriage,hysterectomy the day after thanksgiving.Now,the birthmother we met and had a good relationship with seems to be having second thoughts and wants the baby placed in foster care until she decides. Its so difficult to let yourself even begin to hope,only to have your dreams dash away in one phone call.The only thing that keeps us going is our faith in God,and the belief that when one door closes,He opens another window.Its just hard waiting for that other window to open!

[buckdono]

Fey,
Thanks for sharing your story - I was contemplating starting a "too many almost adoptions" thread when I read yours. somehow I feel a little better now - not sure why, but thanks!

We've had several situations (domestic - open) that fell through after a short time (longest was only a month). I've been repeating all the "it was for the best" mumbojumbo, and it's getting old!

BTW, does anyone have a suggestion for when a p-bmom just suddenly quits being in contact? It's such a bummer to be left wondering what happened, but I don't want to do anything (like show up at her work place) that would be just wrong, wouldn't it? Wishing there was a good approach to getting in touch with her. We really care about her regardless of the adoption, but most of all I wish I knew why...

Kimberly

[redhedded]

Please no backlash. I want to provide support from my own experience and my personal feelings.

Kimberly, I do not know if your contact was independent; with each of our matches we worked closely with our agency. Regardless, after several months of close contact, the expectant mother with whom we were matched, abruptly cut off all contact with both us and the agency. When her baby was born shortly thereafter, she let them know. She asked them to talk to us because she felt so sorry for her change of heart. Initially I really wanted to speak to her; I wanted so badly to tell her that I understood, that we would be fine and to wish her the best. The agency advised me not to. In retrospect, it is logical. She considered placement then decided it was not the right decision for her or her baby. If I were in her position, I would want the same - the opportunity to think through my decision, the security to change my mind and the confidence of privacy when I did.

What we as adoptive parents experience on this journey can be hell; we are powerless in the time frame of building our families. Each day following my experience I reminded myself that my stress and sadness could never compare of a lifetime of regret of a woman making what she feels was the wrong decision. I do not think there is an answer for the question Why? I think some find the support that they needed within their circle; some find a way to parent or decide that it is not the decision for them and their baby. In the end, (for me) I think it really does not matter. We can only control our actions and prepare ourselves emotionally and spiritually for what lay ahead for us.

It is certainly possible that she needs some time and space and will make contact later without having a change of plans or heart. This is a journey with no guarantees and little prediction. I am wishing you the best.

[buckdono]

Redhedded,
Thanks for reminding us that many others go through the sudden ending of a birthmom relationship too. I agree with everything you said - I certainly respect her rights and feelings - we wouldn't want to do or say anything that would make her feel badly. I suppose I just have natural human curiosity about what her decision is right now (baby not due until Nov.)

In our case we aren't working with an adoption agency or other professional yet. We were hoping to set her up with prenatal care and pregnancy counseling to start with. We only wish we could have presented it all in a way that she was receptive to.

We're still trying to figure out if any of the situations that fell through for us would have ended up differently if we'd been working through an agency - probably not, but who knows... I guess we're having trouble committing to an agency.

Kimberly

[faerywiccan74]

Thank You,


It was so comforting to hear from all of you. The pain is still there (we were to bring her home yesterday), but it is dulling. We are not waiting, we got back on that horse again. It makes it easier for us. We really do want a successful domestic adoption. However, we just keep loosing money everytime a ** changes her mind. We are not rich by any means, and there is no way to recover what we have lost to assist another **. So, if it comes to it, we will have to look into an international adoption. China is the most reliable, and it was originally our first choice. I really wanted an infant, but as this keeps happening, we keep looking toward a Chinese adoption. Oh well, just me spouting.

I do know one thing. I am soooo tired of putting profiles together. I have put over 40 together for our facilitator. It gets very costly, and she gets none of them back. That doesn't make you feel good either. We moved on from our agency, who seems to have better results with international adoptions. We found our first ** ourselves, but I am just going to let our facilitator do the work this time. I know the history of facilitators, and I have done lots of homework in case anyone feels the need to share any negative opinions about them.

Anyway. Good luck to everyone, and hope whichever path you choose, results in an addition to your familiy---FEY

[Support2Adopt]

{{{Fey}}}
My heart so goes out to you.
As far as facilitators go, there are good ones and not so good ones.
Fingers are crossed for you that something positive happens for you. You have been hrough enough pain and dissapointmet.
JJ