[pingaa3]

Ok folks, I need some advice and suggestions here. I have let a situation go too far without saying something to the birthmom and am not sure if (1) I'm overreacting or (2) how to handle it asap if I'm not.

The sitch is this... Birth mom (who I admit and acknowledge is the biological mother of my daughter, Lily) insists on calling herself mommy whenever addressing Lily or referring to herself. Example, " I heard Lily is having shots, please tell her that her mommy says it will be ok and that she has her mommy's strength...... " "She has her mommy's hair/chin/etc." ending a message with "Lily mommy loves you."

This occurred before the placement and I let it go because (1) didn't want to rock the boat (2) didn't want to hurt birthmom anymore than necessary (3) wasn't sure how to handle it (4) thought it would discontinue after placement or as time went on.

Logically I've read all about entitlement and completely understand where the birthmom is coming from calling herself mommy. I also understand about my own insecurity when she uses the title MOMMY. Most of the time I can handle it and try to either ignore it or attempt to follow the comment with a gentle reminder that I am Lily's mommy. I understand that it will take time for the birthmom to let go of that aspect of it all (if she ever does).

But emotionally I want to shout out "NO D***IT I'M LILY'S MOMMY! I'M THE ONE WHOSE IS UP ALL NIGHT WITH A COLICKY BABY. I'M THE ONE WHO IS SHAT/PEED/SPIT AND THROWN UP UPON. I'M THE ONE HER COMFORTS HER WHEN SHE CRIES IN PAIN OR FEAR. I'M THE ONE WHO LOVES HER SO MUCH I WANT TO DIE AT THE THOUGHT OF LOSING HER! SHE'S MY DAUGHTER. NOT YOU/NOT YOURS!"

So please help talk me down here. And/Or if you have encountered the situation, any advise is helpful because I need help and the husband is not in same situation with birth father so has not been able to offer construction criticism or help.

But please be gentle as its obviously a sensitive subject right now. Thanks.

[Cultureshock]

Look at it as they are both entitled to have her own special and unique relationship.

What name can you help them both come up with that would describe this relationship?

[3girls1boy]

I think you may need to sit down with your daughter's bmom and have a talk. I would say that you don't want your daughter confused by calling both of you Mommy, and figure out something else mutally agreeable that bmom can be called, something that acknowledges the special relationship they share.

I know this is tricky. You don't want to disrespect her role or make her feel bad. I wouldn't be happy with two of us considering ourselves Mommy either. I am an amom. Maybe a bmom would have a different perspective.
Lisa

[amaz5]

Even though our bmother doesn't have contact with the children (per her choosing), we refer to her by her first name. She used to say "mommy" to the children when she would see them (prior to placement with us) but the children know us as their "mommy" and "daddy". I agree with you pingaa3. You ARE the mommy. So am I. I also am the one who comforts and nurses them when they are sick or scared. Who sits up with colicky baby singing and trying to settle them down. Who loses LOTS of sleep in deference to the baby's feeding schedule. Etc etc etc. All the mommy things.
So, as an a-mom, even though I know that the bmom has her own feelings, she is NOT mommy anymore. She is now "first name".
I talked about this with the CASA worker and the social workers and everyone agreed. Fortunately, the CASA worker sat down and had a gentle but direct talk with the bmother and explained it all to her. That was a big help. The children need to know for certain who their mommy and daddy is and who is not.
If she's not comfortable with using just her first name, what about "momma ____" (fill in first name). I've heard many foster mothers use that. I live in Texas so maybe it's a near southern thing, I don't know. For instance, she is "Momma Jane" and you are "mommy". Just a thought.
Take care.
Hugs,
Emmy

[Mom2J]

I know with our son, we refer to his bmom as Mamma K- (first name). She still deserves the title of "Mamma", because she, after all, did give birth to him and gave him life, but I'm his Mommy. She was very happy with this decision. The birthfather (who hasn't been in his life for over 2-years) is Papa R- (First name). My hubby is Daddy.

K.

[cathy102]

That is a hard one. I don't know what I would do? I have Semi-Open Adoption with both adoption.. But my daughter calls me mom, mommy, momma, so we would have to come up with something else. That is true, they are the first mom's but we are their mommy's now. I am sorry that you are going through this. You do need to talk to her before it gets any worse. She is just going to have to understand that you are mommy. I know this is a touchy subject. You both need to come to some kind of agreement on what she should be called. I know you can work this out. I will be praying that things will go smoothly for the both of you..

Take care,

Cathy

[GinnyBinny]

I am a birthmother. I hope you don't mind me replying.

I understand your frustration and don't think you are overreacting at all.

While I was pregnant I use to refer to myself as mommy alot. I met my bson's parents when I was about 5 months pregnant. After meeting them I refered to myself less and less as his mommy. At the hospital I called myself mommy a couple of times, but never around my bson's mom. After I left the hospital I sliped once and called myself mommy. After saying it I wanted to cry. I am not his mom and I know that. My boyfriend (the birthfather) took a little longer to stop calling himself daddy and me mommy. I actually don't like being called mommy at all. I don't like being called mommy becausue I'm not his mom, she is, and I woudlnt want her to hear someone calling me mommy and becuase it hurts to hear it becuase I know i'm not.

I had to have some time to stop thinking of myself as mommy and start thinking of myself as a birthmother. I started to think this way in my fifth month of pregnancy so after he was born this helped me adjust faster to being his birthmother and not mommy. I still slipped and called myself mommy a few times because I had become use to calling myself mommy during my pregnancy. Also my boyfriend and I being refered to by our first name to our bson was a little akward at first so it took some time to get use to that too. Your daughter's birthmother may take a little longer or she may not think of stop saying it, untill you say something to her. I think talking to her is a good idea. Ask her if she would like to be refered to by her first name or, as someone else had posted, calling her something like mamma " ". My bson's parents call me by my name and aslo say MammaGinny. It means alot to me to hear my bson and his parents say MammaGinny.

-Ginny

[Volfe]

I am also a birthmother. I have a 12 yr old son in open adoption. I have felt that his amother is his mom. Mommy, etc. I prefer to be called by my first name but mainly because Momma Maia would sound to much like that Italian exclamation, Mommma Mia!!!

But I like it for other people.

In response to how you feel I wanted to add one gentle reminder: She has two mothers that love her! (but only one Mommy IMO).

[prose3a]

I am not one for being PC. I believe in being firm and not creating an identity crisis for a young child. Let her get her feelings hurt; she isn't your child's mother and shouldn't pressure your child into feeling that. If she can't respect YOUR bond with YOUR child then you need to consider whether or not an open adoption is right for your child (not right for you or whatever politically correct nonsense is pushed on you by the adoption agency).

[Girlie_Hen]

"I'M THE ONE WHOSE IS UP ALL NIGHT WITH A COLICKY BABY. I'M THE ONE WHO IS SHAT/PEED/SPIT AND THROWN UP UPON. I'M THE ONE HER COMFORTS HER WHEN SHE CRIES IN PAIN OR FEAR. I'M THE ONE WHO LOVES HER SO MUCH I WANT TO DIE AT THE THOUGHT OF LOSING HER!"

The birthmom is the one who DID LOSE HER (even if doing it made HER,"want to die"), when you became her daughter's mom.

I have a feeling the birthmom wouldn't mind being up all night with your colicky baby; shat, peed, and spit up on; or comforting her either. Count yourself blessed.

Tell her not to refer to herself as "mommy" before your relationship with this woman (who gave you the greatest gift of your life) erodes! The truth will set you both free! You are a gift to her -- a loving mother to her child (exactly what she wanted to be)!

[rastachris]

In our family, close friends of the family are referred to as "auntie" or "uncle". (It's a cultural thing.) It lets the child know that the "auntie" or "uncle" is someone special to mommy and daddy and deserves respect. Maybe she'd be okay as an "auntie".

Also, consider other terms of endearment or childish words for her that your child could say.

Nana
Mimi
Bubby
Binky
Beebee or Beemee
Honey (I have a friend whose daughter calls her daddy "Honey" because that's what mommy calls daddy. Cute, huh?)

Maybe you and the birthmother could decide to let the child choose what to call her, if the child is old enough. Show your daughter a photo of her birthmother and ask her who it is. Maybe she has her own name for her and perhaps that would be more meaningful for the birthmother as well.

Either way, I agree that you need to discuss this gently with your child's birthmom. Perhaps you could side-step your intense feelings in the conversation and explain it from the "it's confusing for the child" standpoint (which it is).

Good luck and God bless.

Tina

[3girls1boy]

Girlie-
Please reread that post. Pingaa acknowleged that part of the post was an emotional reaction and not rational. She also went on to explain that she knew her daughter's bmom was in pain, and did not want to do anything to further it. She already explained she knows what you are saying. You are attacking someone who is trying her best to make this a respectful and loving relationship. She is in no way diminishing her daughter's birthmother's role or pain. Your post was uncalled for and rude. Please post something that will add to the discussion in the same manner it was presented.
Lisa

[RiverGal]

I am a birthmother. I am not mommy. I gave up the right to be "mommy" when I signed the papers.

You are well within your rights, as the title of MOMMY is yours. I respect your desire to be gentle with the birthmother, but you do need to let her know that it is confusing. I'm sure there is a happy medium in there...like another poster suggested, maybe Mommy Firstname.

Prose ~ Obviously you are very angry for whatever reason. Calling herself "mommy" is a small issue next to slamming the door on open adoption.

Good luck, Pingaa.

~Deb

[prose3a]

Prose ~ Obviously you are very angry for whatever reason. Calling herself "mommy" is a small issue next to slamming the door on open adoption.

I'm not angry, but I do not respect emotions being projected onto me or being manipulated. It's about more than referring to herself as "mommy". She's attempting to assume a role in her child's life that totally isn't appropriate. The birthmother of my oldest two kids is an angel. We adore talking to her on the phone once a week and visiting on holidays. Like any human, she's been scared, but she has NEVER done anything repetitively so manipulative. The child of my youngest has been a monster, and yes, I've slammed doors until she can get her act together. It's not about the adults; it's about the child.

Some people do not grasp being gentle. I will be gentle with others so long as they are with people I care about.

[RiverGal]

Some people do not grasp being gentle. I will be gentle with others so long as they are with people I care about.

Well, thankfully Pingaa seems to be a little more caring and gentle. She is at least asking for suggestions instead of taking it upon herself to shut the birthmother out.