[waitingfor#2]

HI!

We are in the process of trying to adopt a second child. Our first is bio via in vitro and after a few attempts at that again we decided to go adoption. We are a year into the wait and hearing (in the last 3-4 months) that our wait will be longer because many of the birth moms our agency is working with want the child they place to be a first child. This is the first time we are hearing this and it has kind of thrown us back a bit.

Our agency's placement rate is great and their average wait has been 8-10 months (even for those with kids we are told) but now all of a sudden the are saying 12-18 months and I know they have at least 10 other couples with one child that are waiting.

I am just trying to gather some feedback from others. Is this true with other agencies, are you hearing the same things? Do you get feedback from your agencies/attorneys as to how they are approaching this.

We didn't get any red flags or concerns when we signed up with our agency that we would be harder to place because we already have a child. So, now that we are past their "average" mark we are starting to get a little concerned.

Any feedback or thoughts would be appreciated!

thanks

[ArmyWife55]

im just beginning the adoption process myself, so i cant offer much in the line of experience but what i can tell you is that i have also heard that many bmoms PREFER a family with a child already because they want their baby to already have a sibling.

IMO i think its hard to say what most bmoms want because all bmoms are different and have different ideas of who they would want their bio kids to be with.

good luck to you... i really hope your wait isnt very long!

[milce]

I know that our agency has a lot of women come in saying that they want childless couples, but ultimately end up picking a family with at least one child. In fact, most of the placements that they did last year were with couple who have children. Every woman is looking for something different, and there are lots that definitely prefer their child to have a sibling. The experiences that our social workers have encountered show that the things that seem important when beginning to select a couple don't always appear that way in the end. There are certain things that are just who you are, and those things might turn off one birthmother while another may be attracted by them. We have been shown several times and have not been picked, much to the consternation of our families. I will admit that it does give you a bit of a complex, thinking "what is wrong with us". I often roll my eyes when I say it, but I honestly know that when it is right it will happen. There will be something there, and it may be something little that you never thought of, that will result in you being "picked". It could be a similar love of music or cooking or similar childhood experiences. It WILL happen, and when it does all the waiting and worrying will seem inconsequential.

Good luck! Remember, it will happen!

Carmen

[HappyMomAnna]

If you are doing a domestic infant adoption then it really does boil down to the 'choice' of the mother placing her baby..... The aganecy may have some affect if they have a large number of second time parents and only a few mothers interested in placing their baby as the second child then it will take longer for the agency to help second time parents....

In domestic infant adoption the agencies can do less to help the adoptive families because it is all the choice of the mother placing. I guess the big question I would ask is How many adoptive families are looking for additional children....this might give you an idea of how many families any given mother would be looking at for placement..... If there are a lot of second time parents then the wait would be longer since most mothers placing do like their babies to be the ONLY one placed.

It is difficult to know why a mother selects a family but is seems to be logically natuaral that a mother would be more inclined to choose a family with no children over a family with children and It seems logical that a mother would be somewhat concerned that her baby would have a sibling who was the biological child of the adoptive parents...After all the mother who chooses to place will want the best for the child she places and some people will naturally assume that parents might treat a biological child differently then an adopted child....

When the mother makes the choice the adoptive families need to consider the psychology of the mother placing--the agency can do little to change what a mother has already decided in her own mind.

[Linny]

Well, if this is any solace to you, we've adopted seven times now....and four of the kids have been infants. Apparently 'some' birthmothers prefer a family with more children.....or we certainly wouldn't have been having this many children, huh???

It just boils down to what the birthparents want.....and that's it. Frankly, I honestly believe that overall.....more birth parents want families who have children already......than being the first one. It seems important, a lot of times, that their child has sibs and a support system right from the start.

Just my two-cents......


Sincerely,

Linny

[icunurse]

Our agency told us, before we even started trying to adopt our first, that a second adoption usually takes longer. But, as others have stated, a newborn domestic adoption is kinda all about chance.....the right bmother picks you based on what she desires in a family. The listed average wait at our agency is 9 - 12 months, but some families have waited longer because of whatever circumstances (maybe they already had a child, were very particular about the child they were willing to adopt, etc.) while others have literally adopted with weeks of finishing their profile. Our son's birthmother considered couples both with and without other children. She says, for her, it all came down to a matter of who she felt most comfortable with.

[ucme4dk]

I do not know what agency you are going through but please do not get discouraged. I did a lot of research of different agencies/facilitators/attorneys before we adopted Abby. I wanted to make sure that I would be working with someone who was/is comfortable presenting our family with confidence to perspective bioparents even though we had 2 children already. (One bio and one adopted) I think that there are many, many different types of potential birthparents, just as there are every combination of adoptive parents. We did not have any problems being matched with Abbys biomom J. She felt that our current children at the time would just add to the love and adoration that Abby receives. She was absolutely right too by the way. Abby smiles and squeals the most when her brother and sister are talking to her. Please know that your baby will be out there, put it in G-d's hands and you will be matched and ultimately adopt. Best of luck on your adoption journey!! Also the more races, ethnicities, sex of child, drug exposure, ect you are open to also increases your "chances" of being matched sooner. By the way we signed with facilitator 9/01/03, matched with J 12/15/03, and Abby was born 1/30/04!!
Sincerely,

[ucme4dk]

I just had to share this picture of Abbys smile when her Big brother is talking to her!!
Sincerely,

[amom4life]

Sara~ Abby is so beautiful! Elijah gives his big sister the exact same HUGE smiles and she doesn't even have to do anything but be near him! I'm so jealous! LOL

I agree that it depends on the birthparents there are just as many who want siblings as want their child to be the only one. So please don't get discouraged.
Judy

[rastachris]

The best gift you can give a child is a sibling. That's one of my favorite sayings.

Our daughter's birthmom asked that the agency pick the family for her baby, and they contacted us. Our son, adopted from Haiti, had only been home about five months when we brought our daughter home. Our son loves his sister and kisses her all the time. She LOVES him and squeels and laughs at him no matter what he's doing.

The agency we used is a large agency that does adoptions throughout the country. They have "adoption situations" on their Website, and many of the situations don't state that the birthmother has a preference on children already in the family. Some indicate no children, but others want at least one or even more children in the home already.

I agree with the others that you are subject to the birthmothers' wishes, but the right one will come along. I do recommend that you make contact with another agency, as long as doing so won't cause problems with your current agency.

Good luck!

[Momof2andcats]

Don't be discouraged! I was actually told the opposite-that a birthmother may actually prefer another child in the home because then there is a guaranteed sibling. Our wait for our second child was actually only 3 weeks.

I think in your situation it is more the fact that it is a bio child that is your first vs a child through adoption. Not that there is anything you could or would want to change about that of course! Isn't that frustrating though when agencies do that to you though with their wait times?

We were going to sign with a rather large and well known agency in the South that stated a less than 6 mo wait. Well, the day before I was about to send off all the paperwork and money, I received an email from a friend that just terminated her contract with them because the wait had now gone up to 18-24 months. I was furious to say the least so I do know slightly where you are coming from.

Good luck to you and I just pray that you can have another child in your arms very soon! Best wishes-Sarah(mom of 2)

[AMom2Two]

Yes, we are having the same problem in waiting for a match. Our social worker told us up front that a wait for a second child will be much longer because we already have a child. She did say that most bmom's look to place with a couple that didn't have children. I know for a fact that my daughter's bmom choose us because we didn't have children. She said she went thru the profiles and when she saw a couple with a child she said UCK! How selfish that they want more when these couples have none. YIKES.....

We waited 6 weeks for our first match. With our second adoption, we have waited now 7 months. I can't help but get discouraged especially when I get their newsletter quarterely and I see how many babies were placed and NO ONE picked us.

The only thing I can do is comfort myself that the right one will come around. It's very difficult to wait as I know you know, too well.

Hugs,

[texasmom-to-be]

I know you're frustrated, but hang in there. We've been trying to have children for 7 years, and have been in and out of the adoption process for about the past 2. We just signed on with an agency a month ago, and we figure if we get placed in a year, that's a lot shorter time than how long we've been "waiting" so far! So we're relaxing, just taking it one day at a time.

Try this for reading: "You're Late Again, Lord! The Impatient Woman's Guide to God's Timing" by Karon Phillips Goodman. I picked it up at an airport bookstore and it's really helped me with the wait.

[Support2Adopt]

All in all, we adopted four newborns. We found the wait time to be less with each new adoption.
JJ

[3girls1boy]

I think some potential birthmoms prefer to "make someone a family" by giving them their first child. Others are going to be happy you are an experienced parent and that their child will have a big brother. I know its hard waiting for the right birthmom, but the match will happen.

As for waiting times changing, the year we adopted our daughter, our adoption agency (very small) did 28 adoptions- the wait then was 6 to 12 months. The year after she was born they only did 7- (the new phone book had their phone number wrong-it had a huge impact) they told couples then the wait was 12-24 months. Things change, its hard to predict how many potential birthmoms an agency will be working with.
Have faith
Lisa