[texasmom-to-be]

We have been matched with a wonderful birthmom, but we're a bit concerned about the birthfather. He originally called our agency about adoption a few months ago, but when they would only agree to pay for verified expenses, he got mad and said he would go elsewhere. Now, while the birthfather is "indisposed", the birthmom has called the agency back and told them she is moving forward regardless of what he thinks.

We really like the birthmom a lot and feel we're building a good rapport, but I'm worried about what will happen when birthdad comes back home at the end of the month and finds out she's reinstated their adoption plans.

There's a part of me that's really excited about being matched, but then another part says CAUTION because of the birthfather's previous conversations with the agency. We are kind of emotionally preparing ourselves for this to possibly not work out, although there are a number of reasons we'd really like it to.

Has anyone worked with a birthcouple where the bmom wanted to place but the bdad was hesistant? What about bdads who make financial demands outside the adoption plan?

[ccwasson]

Hi,

We were working with an agency and had the same thing happen to us. The mother was very set in her adoption plan. The father was no where to be found, until one day he showed up and cause a lot of heartache and trouble for the mom. After all of this, he left. The mom still wanted to do the adoption. After the baby was born, he had to be in the NICU for 6 days. After he was discharged, we brought him home with us. The mom did not want to sign rights because she did not want the father to have the baby. We had to wait 30 days for the punative father notice to expire. About day 29 the father came back in the picture and they "got back together" and we had to give our son back. I dont want to scare you but be careful and guard your heart. GOOD LUCK!
cc

[michellemartin]

I am a bmom and my bf didnt want to place. We've been living together for 2 years and dating a total of about 4. He was very aware I never wanted a second child. I told him I was pg and 2 seconds later said she's not ours (I just knew it was a she) Did he try to change my mind? yes, but I knew it wasnt how things were supposed to be and remained very firm in my decision, to the point of saying if you want her then I will give her to you and I will no longer be with you. I know this is a very harsh thing to say to the man I plan to be with forever, but his history ( 8 yr old he sees 3 times a year and a 4 yr old he met only once) and our current circumstances were not ideal. He signed the papers before her birth, much to my relief and to the aparents relief. Even though I knew he could still change his mind before the court date I knew if he signed in the first place he would stick to it. I was very scared he would not sign. His emotions have been rougher than mine, but I was expecting that. I would be concerned also that the bfather will get her to change her mind, just like my boyfriend tried. Hopefully she will be the stronger one and do what is best for the child she carries.

[Sleepydream]

Our son's bdad did not want to consent. He was indisposed at the time of birth (read "on the run") and there was another possible bfather. After we had our son about 6 months (just 2 weeks before finalization), he turned himself in freshly married to a 19 year old girl with fertility problems demanding a paternity test and full custody should it show him to be the biological father. The test did show him to be the bdad, we went through a year of hearings in which he attempted to contest the adoption. After ALL this, he ended up consenting on the day of our trial (we would have certainly won anyway with the case we had built). SO....my advice to you is, speak with a VERY good attorney (someone with lots of adoption trial experience) in your state and tell him upfront the possibility of bdad refusing consent and TPR. See what they say. Some states if he does not file with a putative father registry within several days of the birth, he is barred from contesting. All states have standards for termination of parental rights without consent. The thing you have to ask yourself is, do you want this child if he will NOT consent and you have to fight to keep it and win on a technicality OR risk losing the child after a year long (at least) court battle? In our case it was a no brainer since this guy is a career criminal and a drug addict of over 10 years, plus we had already had N 6 months and he was OUR son by then. There is no doubt in my mind we did the right thing. Not only that, but Ns bmom was beside herself with worry that he would gain custody. The possibility scared her to death and we had an obligation to her and her family as well. However, if this person was a good guy who had expressed a desire to parent prior to birth and taken responsible action towards that goal in a timely manner I doubt we would have felt the same way. I can say the demanding payment for consent (how it sounds to me) is dispicable IMO and NOT making him look like a very good guy, but you have said nothing that makes me believe this child would not be safe with him which is one of several things the court would look at should he contest. This is JUST my opinion though, make of it what you will.

[tobeafamily]

There is a reason why they call these situations 'legal risk' adoptions - because until pbdad's parental rights are terminated either voluntarily or by the courts there is the very real risk that you will not be able to adopt.

This young man is a putative father - i.e. a biological father not married to the child's biological mother. Putative father rights and responsibilities vary quite a bit from state to state. Your best option is to speak with your attorney about the laws in your state and evaluate the risk.

As far as financial demands outside what is legally allowed, your attorney will need to explain to this young man that what he is asking for is very illegal and that if he persists they'll be forced to report them to the police. That pretty well puts the lid on that issue. Under no circumstances should you yield to these demands, as it can cause the adoption to be voided and can expose you to charges as well.

HTH,

Regina

[AMom2Two]

We were just in a very similiar situation. It all came to a head when the baby was born and the bfather said he wanted him now. Bmother then decided to parent instead of giving her child to bfather.

It's very heartbreaking to be matched for months and then have this happen.

[Alicairene4]

I am an Adoptee whose father would not sign the adoption papers. He was 17 and his father evidentally thought that it would ruin his chances at a college football scholarship. my parents went throught the agony of waiting for himt to change hid mind. My mother said it was terrifying. I appreciate the advice one of the other posts gave. PRAY
I know who the birthmother is --what is the easiest way to start a search for him. I am not sure if she listed him on the birth certificate or not. My birth certificate lists my adoptive parents as my parents. I so know my birth number though. Can anyone offer advice that might help?