[paperchasingmom]

Some of you know our story....

My husband and I have happily seriously considered adoption for over 16 months now and while we had confusion at first as to where to go or what to do, we quickly were brought to a wonderful situation to adopt a beautiful baby newborn girl in another country....

We have close friends who live 2 doors away from us that have family in this other country and they knew we wanted to adopt and they knew of a young girl that was pregnant and could not parent and this young girl was very happy hearing about us and knowing we were good friends of this family in her country....

We were ecstatic to learn that in a mere 24 hours we were parents as she chose us to raise her baby here in America alongside her friends family that lives here too with her children!!!! It was one of the best days of our lives!!!! All of our children would grow up together, children of the same culture and heritage and be like family!!!! The birthmother was so happy and grateful to, as she shared with my friend that she felt her only option was to just leave her baby at the hospital for she had no money to pay the hospital bill or raise her baby....she in essence was feeling her only choice was to abandon her newborn daughter....my heart breaks thinking of the sadness this must have caused her to think this...so very sad...

We quickly hired counsel in that country and here in the U.S. as well who all assured us this could legally happen and we could go pick up our baby girl in 3 weeks!!!! We were overjoyed and a wreck running around trying to get passports, fix a nursery, fly to another country, etc. in just 3 weeks.....

Well, fast forward and 14 MONTHS later we are still here, home in the U.S. still without our baby daughter, and after 3 sets of attorneys, 3 socials workers, two homestudies, two adoption agencies and 24 hour care being paid for by us to a nanny/family friend who is taking care of our baby in the other country, it has been over $35,000 spent coupled with a few near nervous breakdowns along the way worried sick over our baby who is quickly growing up without us....

We are grateful that now we finally have the proper information and an agency that is willing to represent us, although they are not able to guarantee anything.....

My question and my help needed from all of you is, we are now finally finishing our dossier and have been instructed to write a motivation to adopt/letter of intent to this other country/this other government trying to explain to them why we feel WE should be chosen to legally adopt this child.....now, we've learned the proper way to request to adopt this pre-identified child adoption-which before we thought was a done deal guaranteed-unfortunately, this country does not encourage and rarely approves these kinds of pre-identified child adoptions and we now know the magnitude of what this ONE LETTER that we have to write, our one and only chance--we know the gravity of what it means and what it's outcome holds....

How do you portray in a single letter all of your love, all of your devotion, all of your capabilities, and try with all your heart and all your might to portray to this country that this child that you've loved for 14 months belongs with you?????? All they will have in front of them is a piece of paper trying to show them who our family is and how much love we feel for our daughter....can that even be expressed, who we are as caring, loving, good people in one letter???? Is that even enough to make such an important decision from????

Sure they'll have our homestudy and our autobiographies, pictures, little B's Lifebook, etc, but, just one letter from us before deciding on this child's future and ours going to complete strangers that don't know us.....

I've known about having to write this letter for a while now, but have hesitated to write it for I know my heart has to be in the right place and my mind needs to be free of pain and stress and honestly portray to them why we feel it is in the best interest of this child to be united with us. I have not felt emotionally ready to properly write this letter for fear of leaving out something very critical or important, as we only have one chance on paper to show them who we are as people, as good hopeful parents.....

There is tremendous pressure knowing that this will probably be the most important letter that I will write during my entire life....

How does one prepare for that responsibility?

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders--this childs future hangs in the balance because of my written words, my husbands and I's life will either be shattered or completely overwhelmed by joy, all depending upon my written words....

We've been instructed by our adoption agency to write in our letter that if we are not chosen for this particular child, (our precious daughter that we have loved unconditionally for 14 months now and have bonded and attached to tremendously in our hearts even though our arms have yet to hold her), we've been instructed to write that if she is not granted to US and is granted to someone else instead, that we would be willing to accept another child.....

My heart cannot even conceive writing those words....I feel there's no way that we could fly over to that country and not pick up our daughter or even not be able to see her and then know that she's gone somewhere else, where no one knows....

I feel there's no way that I could fly over there and bring home another child in her place....we would be devastated if they were to tell us we could NOT adopt her, but here, here's another child you can have instead....

My husband and I discussed this last year and again, just discussed it the other night--actually it wasn't even a long discussion at all....I shared with him what the agency said to put in our letter about accepting another baby and he quietly said "I don't know any other baby....." his way of telling me no--meaning that she's his daughter and his heart does not know of another child right now that could be his child....it would honestly feel like a death of a child to us and to our entire families....

My question is, what would you do???? It just kinda dawned on me that I feel like if we were actually even able to write those words, that we would accept another child, that shows that we are not bonded to our child, that any other child would be fine, when we know that isn't the case....it wouldn't be fair to this next child if we were to accept another child right now....

My husband and I have told our agency that we would have to walk away from that country's program and unfortunately, not be able to accept another referral for we felt that we would not be able to give this new child all of the love and attention and affection and guidance that this new child so deserves....plus, I can see it now....if we were to bring home another child, all we would hear is, "Oh is this little B....?" Only to have to tell everyone no (even the people at Walmart--they have her picture up in the photo department!) and also more importantly that would be subjecting the child to things that I would not want them to have to hear or see....too much pressure for that child to try to fill the shoes of our other child....

You know, one thing that did come to my mind was, after this is done and over with my husband and I will have no more money left ever for adoption and that still doesn't dissuade our decision to plead just for her and only her.....

We will consider fostering and foster to adopt and are looking forward to helping children who need a home here in our area quite possibly, but, am I really, really, really doing the right thing by not accepting another child from that country that also needs a home??????

My heart is breaking and I'm so torn now and I don't know what to do....I'm a christian and I say that I will follow God's will for my life and little B's life, but, if I'm purposely closing a door by not accepting another child from that country, am I in essence, stopping God from doing His will with our lives and the children He wants in our lives by purposely not accepting the other referral????? even if I'm closing the door because I feel this new child would deserve better than what I would be capable of providing them with????? If it was his will for us to accept another child, wouldn't He give me peace about that--thus enabling me to parent this new child????

I also even feel guilty for feeling like this, I feel guilty that I am even waivering in my emotions that I would even consider for a second that God who we feel orchestrated this, won't follow through on what we feel He led us to do....

What's the right thing to do??? What's the right way to feel????

We have always believed that God led us to little B and that it is His will that she be raised by us so we can provide her with the knowledge and hope that God has a special plan for her life and we will honor that no matter what that entails....

But, if I'm willing to lay all this down and to let God's will be done am I allowing that and showing my true submission if I'm trying to orchestrate what I will take or not take--Who I will adopt or who I feel I can't adopt because of our grief????

What would you write in your letter to this other country???? Please help me...I'm looking for answers from everyone, adoptive moms, birthmoms, adoptees....I need all perspectives and prayers, PLEASE, as I need to write this letter in a week or two!!!

Thank you all so very much. Blessings,

Melody

[Jensboys]

Well you may not know me, but I have read your story from the beginning (when you identified the country and were so excited about going to get her at the beginning etc,...) . I have been there and lived with the people. I understand FULLY that the children of that country are their most precious resource and they are VERY VERY VERY cautious about allowing "unrelated" adoption. So few orphans in fact (when I was there 10 years ago) because the extended family almost always steps up. Its an amazing, warm hearted place!!! And they value their kids!

Firstly, can you find ANYONE else who has been successful at this? I would beg to find a "mentor" a "buddy parent" who can tell you WHAT is important to them. I know how very few children go to "non-national" families living in the states ... but heh, good thing is that once you adopt ONE child from there you are considered a "national" family

Things I personally would put in the letter -

1) Itemize your commitment to this SPECIFIC child. How have you arranged for her care in your absense. How have you already taken responsibility for her when you heard she was in need. How much have you invested financially in this specific child (to show the depth of your commitment). Talk about how you named her and why ... what the names mean to you, Is she referred to by those names? etc

2) Talk of your bond with her (ie pics around your home, grandparents perspective, contact you have iwth her now through foster family etc)

3) Talk of her bond with you. explain how she is shown pics / video of you both and referred to as her parents (explain that this decision was made before you realized the length of the time it would take)

4) Talk of the preparations you have made for the future - to help THIS child adjust to your family. That you have read books on transferring her attachment to you ... that psychologicall you already feel that she is your child are have made a life commitment to her.

5) Talk about why you feel that you can support her culture/language/religion in your home. THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THIS GOVERNMENT!!! That you will continue to have close ties with this country ... with her heritage, relatives etc. Explain how important this country will ALWAYS be to you and to her. (emphasize this part!!!) Talk about your knowledge of the country ... how you want to train her and teach her etc...


And I would confirm with the agnecy WHY they think you should put this info in. If there is a reason, I would follow their advice. You could preface this by saying "our commitment to baby is for life and we will always consider her a member of our family, but because we feel so connected to *Country* and its people, we would be honored to adopt another child as well from your wondeful country" etc You have said essentially the same thing but without eliminating the desire for your daughter.

[manon]

About being willing to say you'd take a different child from that country if you can't adopt the one you love -- I think it's just part of the leap of faith you're going to have to make. I agree with everything you said about how it would be hard to switch gears and think about adopting a new child when you'd have so much grieving to do over not adopting the child you want to adopt, if it turns out that way.

That's kind of the problem of thinking you know what it is exactly that God has promised to you. What if you got on the plane and got there only to discover that, god forbid, the little girl you've loved and planned on adopting had just passed away from some sudden serious illness? And that they have a child there who needs you? Can you be sure God didn't intend for all of this to happen so you would be there to help that other child instead?

I don't know what I'd do if I were you, because I'm not you. I just know what I would do myself. It feels strange to me to give such religious advice given that I've always been not a particularly religious person myself, but I think faith doesn't mean doing what you know God wants you to do. I think it means stepping on out there not knowing if God is gonna catch you. Otherwise it's not faith, it's a certainty. Does that make any sense?

Best wishes to you & your husband in making this decision.

[mj77]

I think Jensboys gave some good tips. All I can offer is, as a Christian who is trying to adopt a specific child, I know what you are going through as far as your faith being stretched. If God does want this girl in your home and you have asked for His will to be done and the enemy to be bound in this, you have got to rest in the outcome. I think God is using this situation to grow you in some way. I don't know why it has to be so difficult to have a baby sometimes, but I do know that there is quite a deep appreciation when it does happen. I heard once, if God was small enough to understand, He wouldn't be big enough to worship. This situation is in the best hands it can be in, the same hands that created the Heavens and the Earth. He knows every tear you've shed and has heard the cries of your heart. I pray that He will give you widom in your letter, and favor with whoever the letter should concern and have His hand over your family and little girl.

Melissa

[asturdivant]

Oh Melody!! I just cried reading your story. Isn't it so unfortunate that legalities set up to unite a family can also keep them apart?

I can't really add anything more than what the others have said, except this. If you truly feel as though this little girl is your daughter, then fight for her and only her! If something should prevent her from coming to you, your husband and you will need a healing time before entering into the process again, if you should ever choose to.

Keep your head up!! With your connection to the **, have your friends contact her and have her write a letter requesting that her baby be placed with you. How in the worl can the "higher powers" turn you down after all you have already shown for this child.

Good luck and I will be pulling for you!!

Amanda

[love to be mom]

"I think faith doesn't mean doing what you know God wants you to do. I think it means stepping on out there not knowing if God is gonna catch you. Otherwise it's not faith, it's a certainty. Does that make any sense?"

Manon
I agree with most of your intrepretation of faith, EXCEPT that I think that it means stepping on out there and KNOWING that God is gonna catch you, I know He always catches me.

"If God was small enough to understand, He wouldn't be big enough to worship. This situation is in the best hands it can be in, the same hands

[love to be mom]

what's up with the site, didn't post entire post???

"I think faith doesn't mean doing what you know God wants you to do. I think it means stepping on out there not knowing if God is gonna catch you. Otherwise it's not faith, it's a certainty. Does that make any sense?"

Manon
I agree with most of your intrepretation of faith, EXCEPT that I think that it means stepping on out there and KNOWING that God is gonna catch you, I know He always catches me.

"If God was small enough to understand, He wouldn't be big enough to worship. This situation is in the best hands it can be in, the same hands that created the Heavens and the Earth. He knows every tear you've shed and has heard the cries of your heart."

mj77
That is faith. Ask and you shall receive(not always when your ready)
I truly believe that God does what's best for us even if we don't think it's best for us. I believe in fate, no matter what we do we can't change much of it, if it's meant to be.... I know that it doesn't always make sense but God and His works are a mystery. He does have a plan for you. Your post moved me to tears, you should use some of it in the letter. I truly felt the love you have for your daughter, and you must follow your heart. Maybe explain that you feel an enormous burden placed on you because this letter can take away any chances of you bringing your beloved angel home, explain the heartache to you and your extended family. I'm not very good at expressing myself when I know that it's important so I know how you feel. I really can't help you with that, some of the other suggestions seemed very good, but I do feel that mentioning that you would take another child, to a country that values their children might not be a good idea. I feel it does take away from the feelings you have to your daughter, and if you feel that way to you should listen to your heart, God is there. I'm so sorry that this is so hard for you and it doesn't seem fair I will pray for you tonight, God bless and Gods speed. Sincerely Rosa

[MNelson]

Jensboys provided some really great talking points. I would just add to mention whatever relationship you had established with the birthmother, what you learned of her family, and of the country's culture through her/them.

I don't really like the sound of the agency's suggestion -- it really does seems to be contrary to everything else you'd be putting into your letter to assure them that this little girl is so important to you. Not to mention, insincere with what's in your hearts. What happens if you don't put that in ... does that mean you would be ineligible for reconsideration for another placement if this girl is not placed with you? What I'm saying is, you could always cross that bridge if you come to it.

My thoughts are to be yourself and to be truthful, and to put the passions that you have expressed here on the forums into your letter.

[BlueMommy]

Melody,

I was not familiar with your story but I went back and read the old posts.

I have an idea about how you might get around the statement that you would accept a different child. When I read your old posts you said that you would like to adopt two children. So why don't you say that you have so much respect for the county and its culture and that you do not want your child raised without a sibling that you would be willing to adopt two children. Your daughter and another child.

That way you are addressing the issue of another child but without showing any disloyalty to your daughter. You may not actaully have to adopt the second child but you are leaving the door open.

I think, though not sure, that if you adopt children at the same time internationally, it is less expensive than doing it in two different occasions.

Just a thought...

Good luck and God bless.

Robyn

[Lynn Barry]

Reading through your posting I could feel your pain...I will say to you what I said to my niece when she set about to adopt children...she said she didn't feel comfortable adopting a child who didn't at least look like her or her husband a little...to that I said...then don't...they child already is starting out with the "adopted" cross to deal with shall we say and if you aren't comfortable lumping on the "I'm adopted and it's obvious because I don't look anything like the parents who are raising me"...on the kid then don't...two kids later, my niece has thanked me since...


If you want ONLY the child you set out to adopt then don't say you'll accept another...if it is causing you THAT much pain it must be for a reason...


My experience is quite different...I gave birth to two kids, five years apart...it was hard for me to get pregnant but I did eventually and each time I had to have c-sections...for those reason and because I always had it in me to want to adopt children I actively campaigned to do that...after reading Claudia Jewett's "Adopting the Older Child" book I set about my course...two years to complete a homestudy and be called about a little girl almost five who might be a good match...we only knew her name...no pic...we said okay...went to meet her and the next week took her home...six months later we legally adopted her...we were open to an older child and mixed race...our daughter was five and of mixed race...we were comfortable with that...

BUT I advise everyone going into adoption to NOT be afraid to go into it with specific ideas of what you can comfortably handle/live with...it is too complicated no matter how you slice it to not be comfortable...love isn't always enough...believe me...

fast forward twenty years...the last three years my daughter has lived in the neighborhood she would have lived in if not removed by the state and put in foster care and then adopted...SO...no matter what we want or decide to have decided for us...later on the grown up child will choose what THEY want...it has been difficult but I wouldn't change the early decision or procedure if I could...I love her and enjoyed raising her...I have been going through a tough time missing her and feeling insecure about her need or desire to live where she is living now but like I said...it is complicated no matter how you slice it...and love isn't always enough

Good luck to you...reach out to others for input but go with your gut...I think you and your husband already know the answer...HUGS...

[amom4life]

Melody,
I know how much you love B! Your heart can't help but shine through in that letter because that's who you are. Write from your heart and God will take care of the rest.

Every time I hear you talk about B I feel the love you have for her through your words. You can do this!
Love & Hugs,
Judy

[amom4life]

Hey Melody~
I tried to PM you but your box is full.

Also tried to do the other thing that we talked about but I was too late so had to make contact. So hopefully change will take place soon. And I hope you understand this cryptic message. LOL!! I'm sure you will.

I'll resend my PM when you let me know you've cleaned out your box.
HuGs,
Judy

[paperchasingmom]

Thank you, all of you for your heartfelt, honest, compassionate replies.....

Jensboys: Your post was so wonderful, so thorough. You do have such a knowledge of who they are over there and what they are looking for....Thank you again for your help....It was very kind of you to take the time to write so much for us!!!

Things have kinda changed a little--our agency is maybe backing away a little now and wanting to make sure what we're doing is what we can even "ask" that we can do now....oh gosh....and I thought we were making progress....

We've been now told, that the letter should only be one page and it CANNOT INCLUDE any reference to the birthmother and how she chose us as this is exactly what this country DOES NOT want to see, so unfortunately, her wish, her desire to have her daughter be raised here, in the states, by us, is useless....

and we SHOULD NOT discuss all the money we've spent on our child's care, expenses, hospital bills, etc. for these past 14 months as this might be misinterpreted by their government....

So those two things, which we felt added to our case, are to be left out....and now with more delays....

Actually, I have had a peace about this ever since all of you offered prayers and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that....

Manon, Thank you for your reply...and yes, what you said made sense and I have felt like that, about faith in terms of sometimes not feeling, due to the circumstances, not feeling that all would be well, not feeling that God would catch me....just due to all the circumstances surrounding this and my being human....and I truly appreciate your response especially since you said this is not the norm for you, sharing religious thoughts ....thanks for stepping out of the box and sharing your thoughts about that....

Melissa, I loved what you said about this situation is in the best hands it can be in--the same hands that created the heavens and the earth! I shared that with my husband. Thank you!!

Amanda, Thanks so much for your compassion...I wish we could have our birthmother write a letter but we can't....we're so blessed here in the states to have the ability that birthmothers, if they chose, do have complete say over who their adoptive families are....I think sometimes we do forget about just how great our country is and what it tries to accomplish by letting us have our own individual freedoms, you know....how sad that our birthmother has no say so at all over who will be chosen to raise her child, nor will she ever know where her child goes....that saddens me, both for the birthmother and her child....

Rosa, Thank you and I know what you mean when you say God IS going to catch you....I wish I had that faith all the time though! It is amazing to know that despite our circumstances around us....I think I know it, but, I guess I predispose myself to what I feel God had revealed to me about the outcome....but, I guess, if I think about it...the only thing I do know for sure is, that God did want us to be a part of this precious baby's life and if our role was only to give her the best possible start in life, due to us being willing to step in and try to fight for her and what we felt was best for her....I think that maybe, maybe our role was to just NOT have her put in an orphanage and give her an opportunity to have her first year of life, well fed, loved, adored, safely cared for by wonderful people in the other country who love her tremendously as their own and who quite possibly might end up adopting her....this is something that my husband and I have to decide upon....since we would have the power to do that....tell the nanny that we will not try to adopt her and instead ask the nanny too....which we've already discussed before....that's a very difficult decision to try to make now...unbelieveably difficult....

Plareb, thank you and you're right, it would be insincere for us to write those words that we would accept other children. My husband has said repeatedly no, whereas I was willing to reconsider a few days ago, but he says he doesn't think he can....

Robyn, Thank you and you had a great idea about the 2 children and that's exactly what we were trying to accomplish when we started our homestudy when she was just an infant....we had heard of another little boy, who at that time was 1 1/2 years old and was just wandering the streets hungry so that's why we specifically requested to be approved for two children so Little B could have an older brother from her native country and this little boy would have found a home as well....but, we've been told that quite possibly, if they see us approved for 2 children, they'd probably jump at the chance to want to give us siblings and NOT little B....because girls are very difficult to adopt from there--there is such a waiting list that they would give B to someone who has been waiting a long time (even though we've been waiting for her for 14 months and have been the one making it possible that she is getting the care she's getting!) but offer us siblings instead--which normally we would have jumped at the chance but now, we don't know what they would do since we know that they NEVER place 2 unrelated children together at the same time, unlike Russia....unfortunately..so we can't ask for little B and another child--we already tried that and were told definitely NO!

Lynn, Thank you for your honest, candid concern, you're right, the child already has crosses to bear and it's whatever parameters we feel comfortable with that we can support all the rest of their days as our children...I understand your point and I agree with you--thank you for being honest about that....and thank you for sharing your story about your daughter with us....it was heartbreaking to read...I will keep you and her in my prayers, okay?

and Judy, thank you so much for your confidence in me....you've been such a godsend in my life...thank you for your prayers all during this year!!!

Thank you again everyone, so much for your kind words and heartfelt replies....

At this point in time, my husband and I have completed our MAPP training to become foster parents for foster to adopt or straight out adopt and I have to say it has been such an enriching experience and God has flung these doors wide open and everyone within our agency is telling us to get our paperwork DONE, our homestudy, because they've already discussed us with their placement committees....everyone we've spoken too....we are so blessed to have such supporting trainers and educators who so want to give us children that need homes....

It such a 180 from what we're getting with little B's hopeful adoption.....I can't help but think that God is closing the door on our other country's adoption and is bringing us children from our own community....

Now, we're left to decide, do we continue to try to fight for little B in the other country even though we have no more money left or let the nanny adopt her and then let us accept children from foster care here that so desperately need forever families??????

Now it's another big decision that has to be made....

I've always told the Lord that I would do anything for our daughter--and if the best thing for her, albeit shown in a weird way--through not having any more money for her care or expenses or adoption costs--if the best thing for her is to stay there, then that's what I need to try to find out...what IS God trying to tell me??????

Do I dare ask again--what would you do now????????

Thanks for letting me share.....I truly feel blessed to have your opinions.....

Blessings always,

Melody

[paperchasingmom]

Our MAPP trainers gave us this poem framed and it is beautiful...thought I'd share it with you....you do have to kinda read it slow to get the full impact....

THE WAITING CHILD

I saw you meet your child today, you kissed your baby joyfully....
and as you walked away with her, I played "pretend"--you'd chosen me....

I'm happy for the baby, yet inside I'm aching miserably. I want to plead as you go by, "Does no one want a child of three?"

I saw you meet your child today, in love with her before you met.. and as I watched you take her out I knew it wasn't my turn yet.

I recognize you from last year! I knew I'd seen your face before! But you came for a second babe, does no one want a child of four?

I saw you meet your child today but this time there was something new! A nurse came in and took MY hand and then she gave my hand to you! Can this be true?? I'm almost six!! and there are infants here you see?

But then you kissed me and I knew, The Child you chose this time was ME!