[Lynn Barry]

As an adoptive mom I have the following message to people who plan to adopt and it may sound negative but it is meant to be helpful...be prepared for heartache when the ones you adopted and raised want to reunite with their birth relatives...
If you know this in advance it should save you some pain...
To say that you can handle it may not be realistic...the absence of interest in the ones who raised the person when the birth relatives enter the life of the adopted person just plain hurts...if it is temporary it still hurts...if it is a forever abandonment it is devastating...
There is a lot of support for birth parents and adopted people's rights to reunite...but we need each other because adoptive parents matter, too...HUGS

[Jackiejdajda]

if it is temporary it still hurts...if it is a forever abandonment it is devastating...

It must be very difficult.


Jackie

[Lynn Barry]

It is for me any way...I never imagined I would adopt a child at age five and raise the child...then at age 21 help the adult child find birth relatives only to have that adult child choose to leave the life they knew to live in the neighborhood they were removed from as an infant and placed in foster care and then adopted.
We have contact but not very often...the message to me as adoptive mom from the one I raised is something like "I have moved on or back or am without you in my life and that is my choice..." These words have not been spoken but the lack of contact and interest makes me feel this is so...

Thank you, Jackie! HUGS

[yasta]

Lynn,

I am sorry that your child did that to you, that must really hurt. Did you two have a warm relationship ?

Yasta

[Lynn Barry]

Hi Yasta,
I would have to say that we had a faitly normal mother/daughter relationship...we suffered all the normal mother/daughter struggles that any mother/daughter do...my husband and I were in the delivery room when her first son was born because she wanted us there...it was wonderful...we weren't at her birth and being at her giving birth moment will always be special for us...we had become very close after she had her son and right up until she left...she was so grateful that we supported her finding her birth relatives...I was all for it and always told her I was...I just never imagined there would be nothing after that...a call every couple months...from me of course...that's about it...it's been almost three years and we haven't seen her in almost two years...it's very strange...
HUGS

[Jackiejdajda]

Lynn

I don't know why this stuff has to be so darn divisive..
I can not imagine what you are going through.. All that time and love and energy put into your family.. And then it is just taken away..

There have been a few threads on here about this issue.. I always read them and learn..

Maybe thats the beauty of the internet and places like this.


Jackie

[mj77]

((((HUGS Lynn))))

I am so sorry for your pain. I want to cry right along side of you. Have you ever been able to talk with your daughter and say, "I am so glad that you found your bmom, but am so sad that I don't see you anymore. Is this because you ______(whatever the reason you feel she has separated herself from you)?" I really hope things work out. This is one of my biggest fears to be honest. I am thankful for your words of advice.

Melissa

[Missy M]

As an adoptive mom I have the following message to people who plan to adopt and it may sound negative but it is meant to be helpful...be prepared for heartache when the ones you adopted and raised want to reunite with their birth relatives...
If you know this in advance it should save you some pain...

Lynn...I am so sorry for the emotional pain you must be experiencing; I will remember you in prayer tonight. I hope you and your daughter will resolve this in a way that leaves each of you happy and at peace.
I captured part of your post to well...disagree. With all due respect IMO the fact that adoptees want to reunite with their bio-families isn't normally a cause for heartache and I don't want anyone who is seriously considering adoption to look at it as a source of pain. The simple fact that your daughter needed to discover her background isn't the reason for your seperation. Its entirely possible to have more than one person to share love with; as evidenced by marriage and the act of giving birth. Just as she didn't abandon you when her child was born she didn't have to leave your relationship to interact with her bio-family.
I hope you and she can find resolution soon, but please don't add fear of abandonment to the already over-burdened, much feared task of reunion. I am a reunited B-mom and the one thing my daughters A-parents never had to fear was ME. When I placed my daughter I did so for life; I treasure the relationship we share today, but she is their daughter in every way...Best Wishes>>>MissyM

[Shoshana]

My mother had a bit of a struggle when I told her I wanted to find my birth mother but she worked through it. She realized that nothing could change the fact that SHE was my mother and that my need to find my birthmother was something that was within me, and independent of my relationship with her. My mother is now 73 years old. Finding my birthmother and developing a relationship with her actually had the added benefit of improving my relationship with my mother. It's hard to explain, but it solidified our relationship because I felt secure and complete in the knowledge of my history. Through an odd twist of fate, I ended up living in the same town as my birthmother and siblings, about 1700 miles from my parents and my home town. My parents come to visit me every summer. We all have barbecues together, my birthmother drives my mom to church every sunday. This is not heartache. This is family. My birthmother was courageous to accept me after years of keeping secrets. My mother was courageous to believe in me and to know that she would always be my mom.

As I am now a mom to an adopted child, I can honestly say that through my experiences and understanding as an adoptee, I will never feel insecure or threatened if/when my daughter needs to know about her history and her first family.

[s2jackson]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It breaks my heart

I'm adopted. I was older so maybe it affects my view. I don't want contact. I certainly wouldn't want my sister's kids having contact. (that may have something to do with it too, I grew up with my full sister) I wish there was something I could say that would help it make sense, but i can't. I don't understand how someone could do that to their mother. I don't understand people's fasination with DNA. What does it have anything to do with anything? I can see how someone may want to met their bios and especially how bios may want to met the child. I can see having a relationship, even a close relationship. But it can't be the same as with the parents that raised you. (If you have good parents, who are good people and you had a good life) I get it I do. But to not have contact with your mom and to have moved like that.... I'll put it in term of "me" so as to limit anyone who may get offended. (I don't sugar coat well) Okay so those people may look like me, but they don't act like me. I was raised by a completly different set of people. All the good memories that get me though the bad spots in life have nothing to do with them, and everything to do with my "adopted" parents. (hate that phrase by the way) All the bedtime stories, all the movies, where I learned to be a good person, where I learned to be a good parent, all that came from who raised me, not the DNA that makes my body. Who I am has nothing to do with what I look like or whos DNA I have, it has EVERYTHING to do with what I was molded into. The morals, the rules, the lessons, eveything that my parents taught me not just as a child but as an adult.

It isn't quite the same but try to remember that even divorced Parents whose kids aren't adopted sometimes have this happen to them. I have seen alot of Teenagers and adults who never knew or rarely saw the non custodial parent start to have relationships with them later in life. That parent knew the whole time where they were at but choice not to have a relationship with them. Now the parent who raised them is on the side line and the other is the MVP. The reasoning is basicly the same and I don't understand it applied here either, that is their biological parent.

It isn't just adopted children doing this to parents though. A few years ago my father had a mid life crisis and went, for lack of a better term, nuts. (He attempted to ground me when I was 21 and lived in my own apartment.) his and my relationship started going down hill. My parents divorced. Before his new son was born a family friend asked him about me. His reply hurt me worse than anything else in the entire world, "She is just adopted, she isn't even my kid."

Even as a rebel teenager I never used adoption against anyone, or even brought it up. It didn't and doesn't matter. I could not have then, nor could I now hurt someone that I know choice to be my parent. Choice to have responsibly that someone else didn't want or couldn't handle, who choice to sacrific for me, who choice to give me the life I have rather than what I got dealt in the beginning. Even after what he said, I still couldn't do it.

Just give it a little more time. Having a relationship with her bio mom is probably good for her. Apparently she needs it. If you had a good relationship with her and she doesn't have a motive for avoiding you then everything will work itself out. Or if life throws her a curve ball, there is no one is the world she will want more than her Mommy and Daddy. No one can make up for the safety of those who kissed your ouchies or checked under the bed for the boogie monster.

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by Missy M

I captured part of your post to well...disagree. With all due respect IMO the fact that adoptees want to reunite with their bio-families isn't normally a cause for heartache and I don't want anyone who is seriously considering adoption to look at it as a source of pain. The simple fact that your daughter needed to discover her background isn't the reason for your seperation>>>MissyM [/b]

Missy,
I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you as I have a friend whose daughter reunited with her Birthparents and has basically turned her back on her adoptive family. This has been particularly hard on her sisters as they try to contact her, but she refuses to respond. (Her two younger sisters are both special needs kids, which makes the situation even more difficult.) Her actions are causing them concern about being abandoned.
Granted, this is not the norm, but the possibility still exists.
JJ

[Lynn Barry]

Thank you all for your responses...I am in no way saying that reunion is a bad thing...I am saying that adoptive parents should know that with reunion the possibility exists that the child you raised will become smitten with the birth relatives and in my case abandon the ones she knew as "family" for the ones she wants as "family"...it is very real...my daughter has never said anything mean and in fact she says how much she loves us all etc...but the FACT is that in three years she has not worked at all at any kind of relationship...if I track her down and call or instant message I might get a reply and lots of "let's get together" but then it's a no show or can't make it...stuff like that...a case of severe neglect...on her part...

If more people adopting were aware of the complexities it would prepare them better...that's my intention...birth parents who are sensitive to adoptive parents are the best to find...BUT my child's were not...they expected her to go...to her REAL parents...those mindsets are harder to deal with...we do the raising...they get a friend after they are grown...we get dumped...

I believe in reunion...I am an advocate for support groups for adoptive parents when the heartache arrives....we need each other to cope with the pain...and loss and feelings of grief...over not being a part of the the life anymore of the person you raised...at least not the part you figured you have...but a forgotten second or last place...

[jude4691]

Hi, I'm adopted and was reunited with my birth family,but I remember feeling so guilty about "betraying " my aparents.I found though that I had love for both sets of parents (similar to after your first child,you don't imagine you could love a second as much,but you do).
I do feel that us adoptees draw the short straw in all of this.We definately had no choice in our adoption.Bmums may have had total choice or no choice,or a degree of choice.Adoptive parents actively pursued adoption,so had most choice.I can imagine it is painful,as I am adopting,so my child could well reunite in the future.My reunion broke down after 13 years,and stirred up a huge range of emotions that were very hard to real with.If a relationship with adoptive parents is good prior to reunion,I do believe it can be restored.We as adoptive parents have to put our children's needs first,and this is painful.Maybe counselling would help you work through your own pain.I think you daughter could be going through such a hard time that if she feels she has to "heal" your pain too,it is just too much for her to take on board.

[eahollen]

One of the reasons I chose an open adoption was to avoid all the mystery that tends to surround birthparents. If my son grows up knowing his birthmother there will be no "reunification". He will always know her, and what role she plays in his life. If he has questions regarding his birthfamily, she will be there to answer them.
He can never fantisize that he was stolen from her, or that she unwillinging "gave him up".
This will hopefully avoid the "heartache" you are speaking of.

Beth

[smith81299]

Lynn Barry,

My heart aches for you...I am an adoptee 33 yrs old and cannot understand how a child could do this to their "MOTHER" (I personally hate the term adoptive so much because I am a true believer that a mother is not who gives you life....it's the person that has loved and cared for you...your entire life...)
with that being said, I hope your daughter will realize the terrible mistake she has made in these last 3 years of distance from you and begin rebuilding your relationship. I have been blessed to have found such amazing parents and I would not have traded them for anything in this world...though the void still exists about my "birth-parents" I've always wanted to know and still do and whatever the outcome is I'll only have 2 parents in my life. No one can ever change that. You'll be in my prayers.

Susan