[Dublin]

I was just wondering how some of you have handled your adoptive child's birthday celebrations and holidays with regard to including the birthparents. Even though our daughters 1st birthday is not until December, I guess I just want to be prepared and plan. Do you have a seperate party with the birthparents, or do you invite them to the party with all of your family and friends...etc...

[tobeafamily]

We invite all family - birth and adoptive - to all of Ryan's celebrations. Ours is a fully open integrated adoption, though, not the 'norm'.

HTH

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Dublin]

We have an open adoption as well, but I guess I just worry about how everyone (mainly my family and my inlaws) would act around the birthfamily... I guess we had better figure this out now so that we can inform our families how it is going to be and how we expect them to act.

[goin'batty]

We have a pretty open adoption but we have all agreed to have seperate parties/celebrations with the birthmother. That was actually what she suggested, which was nice since that was what we where thinking would work best for us. We haven't had an occassion arise yet since he's only 8 weeks old, but I think it will work.

I too worried about how my family would react towards her. Some of my family is okay with this idea of open adoption and others really are not. I'm afraid she would be treated poorly and ruin the event for all envolved.

I also worry about the stress of such an event on his birthmom. I think if I was in her shoes, it would be very stressful to be around this family that she doesn't know. I know them and personally, it's stressful for me!!

[3inCO]

For our daughter's first birthday we had her birthfamily over on her birthday for dinner and cake and a celebration. We celebrated with my family several days later on July fourth when we all got together. We did it this way because I know my family and unfortunately they would probably be very uncomfortable with the birthfamily and may even react inappropriatly. My parents who are in their 70's and 80's are just never going to understand or participate in our open adoption. I have accepted this and want to minimized discomfort for my daughter's birthfamily. It is time to start planning birthday number 2 (I can't believe it) and we will probably do it the same way this year to.

Becky

[3girls1boy]

We have a fully open adoption- my daughter will be 13 this year. We invited her birthparents for her first birthday- it was a huge party- and they could just act like other guests, or explain who they were. We didn't invite the rest of her bfamily because we didn't feel that close to them. Mallory's- my daughter- birthday is in December too, so usually sometime after Christmas we get together informally and exchange birthday or Christmas gifts. We usually give the extended family something like cookies or a cheesecake. We give the birthparents a small gift jewelry, books, something. The birthfamily usually gives all our kids way too many gifts, but we recognize how much they enjoy it, and deal with our kids later. The birthparents came to our house for Thanksgiving once, they weren't invited anywhere that year, so I invited them.
My family and the birthfamily know each other and get along. In the beginning it was more awkward, but no one ever said anything rude. I always make sure we get together around a barbeque or something, not a holiday. For years they trick or treated with us, but then my kids got older and wanted to go farther. So now the bfamily stops by, admires the costumes and we take off trick or treating. We all try to find ways to include each other in our lives, but it probably works out to maybe 4 times a year. Contact diminished when our daughters bmom got married and had a baby, but we still get together.

I think of the birthfamily as close family friends and I think they think of us the same way. Maybe like cousins, but not immediate family, and thats how we treat each other. I love them and consider the whole adoption experience with them nothing but positive.

Introduce your families now in the summer and see how you all feel when bdays come around. You can certainly have more than one party. Or maybe everyone will want to be together, just wait and see how it goes.

[blessedmom]

My daughter just had her first birthday in April. we had a party that included everyone (birth family, adoptive, family, friends etc.). Our adoption is open and we are very close to our daughter's birthmother. She has met our extended family before at our daughter's baptism and our friends there as well.

I asked her when I extended the invitation whether our daughter's bday would be difficult for her or if coming to a big party would be awkward and she emphatically said, "No!". She loves to see all the people that love our daughter.

Whenever our families and friends are around our daughter's birthmother, they are always so kind and supportive of her. She always tells us how welcome and loves she feels by everyone and it reaffirms her decision in placing "S" for adoption.

I think I would continue to see how your relationship with your child's birthparents develops and then discuss what they'd be comfortable with as well as you.

[mommy2savanna]

Although not part of our initial adoption agreement (birth mom only wanted pictures and video) our daughter's bmom and her family have attended all of her birthday parties, including the ones at our home. Each X-Mas we host a party at our home for the bmom and her family the weekend before. It really seems to work for us. As for our family and friends, we didn't give them a choice. The FIRST group get together was a little strange for everyone but now, four years later, everyone really gets along.

But it did take establishing a good relationship with them first....After establishing a good relationship with the bmom and her family we decided that we were comfortable enough with them to invited them to our daughter's first birthday party held at our home.

Ruth