[Proverbs 3:5-6]

We just had the first part of our homestudy today, and the second part is set up for next week.

We went over part of our autobiography, and one of the questions that we were asked was how we will handle discipline.

My wife said that we both believe in spankings, and the social worker responded that spankings aren't the solution to every problem, because the child may become aggressive and "spank" other kids'.

I jumped in and said that the method of discipline (spanking, timeout, restriction, etc) isn't the most critical part, but we have to link the behavior with the consequence in order to correct the behavior.

My wife said something else about spanking.

How can you really handle that question?? Are we going to be frowned upon because she brought up spanking twice?

[mroot]

We were in your shoes 2 years ago when we adopted our son and that question does come up in the homestudy. Some social workers do not believe in spanking of ANY kind and will frown on it. We reponded that we believe discipline should be defined as re-education, because you are trying to bring about change in a particular behavior. We are believers in positive discipline, such as redirection, withholding priveleges and "time out", although for our two year old, redirection seems to work best. Time outs and withholding priveleges will probably work better when he is a little older. I personally feel it is hard to teach a child that hitting is wrong if you use it to discipline. However, we have on occasion, tapped his hand when he went to reach for something dangerous.

[LisaCA]

hi,

we had the question on discipline and I think we said it was important to tailor the discipline to the child, blah blah blah. We left out the fact that we do believe that there are times/certain children that spanking is okay. In discussions I mentioned that I don't believe a swat on the butt is violence, that it is important to not spank your child when you're angry, and that there are other methods that may be more effective. I think she just wanted to know that I wasn't doing the "beating" thing that my dad had experienced in North carolina (you know, making the child cut their own "switch" and then giving them a good wallop, or using a belt, cord, etc), and that I'd thought about how to discipline and that dh and I were united in how to approach it.

I was spanked a total of 5 times tops as a child-it wasn't necessary with me. My older sister was spanked daily (she was a very difficult child-and adult). My little sister was spanked more than me but still rarely.

I think the thing to get across is what you mean by spanking (open hand? how many swats?), why you believe in it, and when you would use it, how often, etc (and it seems that you did some of that). I'm not a socialworker but I don't think it will be a make or break issue. You can always discuss this with your social worker-I'm sure they'd love to have you express the concern and open the discussion again. Since you're at the beginning of the homestudy process, I'm sure you'll come back to it in your individual sessions.

good luck,

LisaCA

[spaypets]

Our agency had us sign a document saying we would not use corporal punishment, including spanking. Since we didn't intend to hit our kid, we didn't have a problem with it. I have to say, remembering my promise has helped me keep control.

The fact that your wife emphasized spanking twice might give the SW pause (remember a lot of them come through working with abused children -- kids whose parents say the same things -- "I'm teaching him a lesson"), but probably won't deep six your application. I think it would depend on how your wife came across in other ways.

Quite honestly, I don't think spanking works very well. Then you have a child who is crying as well as misbehaving.

[Proverbs 3:5-6]

Thank you!
My wife is really anxious about that issue, and she wants to bring this up again at our second homestudy visit.

The Social Worker did point blank ask if we be "beating" our child, or spanking in an aggressive manner. We both emphatically said NO WAY.

[Sienna3]

Michael,
How you plan on disciplining your child will likely be specified in your homestudy write-up. It certainly was in ours-it was the first statement under parenting techniques that we do not use physical punishment. Keep in mind that since you are adopting from Russia, you will have to go before a Russian judge and you may need to answer specifically in court to what circumstances you would spank if that is what is included in your homestudy

[Proverbs 3:5-6]

Well, the fact remains that we were both spanked as part of our discipline routine, and we still intend on having that in the selection of punishments for bad behavior.

We aren't going to change our beliefs on that or anything else, but I do believe that we can justify why we feel that way. We also understand that there are other methods that may be more appropriate for the offense.

Is this whole issue going to be as big a deal as my wife is making it out to be? Is this something that can keep us from gettin a child?

[seeking2adopt]

We, too, were asked about how we would handle discipline and were honest that spanking would be one form of discipline in our home. I think a key part of the discussion was that we explained that we believe spanking should never be done in anger, only for a specified number of swats, only on a cushy rear end, and with love expressed and reconciliation (hugs, kisses, prayer) afterward. Our SW wanted to know how being spanked as kids affected our relationship with out parents and we assured him that both of us were very secure in the love of our parents despite spanking being one form of discipline. Interestingly, he only chose to write that we believe in a variety of forms of discipline when it came down to the actual homestudy.

Hope that helps!

[newkid]

I find it truly hard to believe that so many people are in favor/support of spanking. ALL hitting a kid (swat, tap, whatever you want to call it) is teach a kid that it is okay to hit. Think about it logically. It is NEVER okay to hit a kid. I can't believe you can get an approved home study if you support hitting.

[Doxie]

Newkid, it is my experience that spanking works for some kids, and others it doesn't. If dh got in trouble when he was a child, his father would talk to him, tell him why he was going to get a spanking, and then after he was done, he would talk to him again and tell him why he shouldn't do it again. Did it work with him? Your dang right it did!! He didn't want to get a spanking. Now, when I was a child, my parents basically did the same thing. Both mom and dad. But did it work with me? Heck no!! I didn't care if I got a spanking....it just fueled up more negative energy and made me want to disobey even more. It all just depends on the child and the situation. You should find a way that works for your child. I don't believe in spanking every child every time they disobey though.

[Sienna3]

Michael,
I think it will come down to how your SW assesses your answers and how sensitive she is to this.That is good that you can explain when you would use that form of punishment. I would mention it again to the SW and ask directly if she sees that as a problem and again keep it in the back of your mind that you may have to re-answer the question in court. To me, a good SW will tell you upfront if she has an issue with something you are saying.

Is your homestudy agency and placing agency one in the same? If not, you may want to ask your placing agency if they have an issue with spanking because one may have an issue with it and the other may not.

[HappyMomAnna]

It could depend on the adoption you are wanting--but, most states who would place a child from Foster Care will NOT allow a family that considers 'spanking' as any kind of acceptable disciline.

In fact with our homestudy the single biggest issue we had to overcome was that fact that the Biological children had been spanked 3-4 times during their lives....I had to wirte a long story as to why I felt I would BE ABLE to resist spanking my adopted child when I had spanked my bios....Why I had spanked my bios and how I had done so....and my children were interviewed privately and asked about spanking.

I also had to sign an agreement that said I would NEVER spank the adopted children.

[Proverbs 3:5-6]

Originally posted by newkid
I find it truly hard to believe that so many people are in favor/support of spanking. ALL hitting a kid (swat, tap, whatever you want to call it) is teach a kid that it is okay to hit. Think about it logically. It is NEVER okay to hit a kid. I can't believe you can get an approved home study if you support hitting.

I don't want to get into an argument on the internet over this issue, but this is exactly the type of ignorance I was hoping to aviod. To make a blanket statement such as something is NEVER okay or right is just not good logic.

If your belief on discipline differs from mine, so be it. But that doesn't make my opinion wrong or immoral.

As someone else pointed out with anecdotal evidence, spanking has indeed been effective for many years.

To assume that hitting a child is the goal is absurd. I have gone to great lengths to qualify my statement that we do feel spanking is an appropriate form of discipline in some circumstances by saying that we feel that abuse is definitely wrong. I have also stated that there are other more appropriate forms of punishment for other situations.

[LonghornDaddy]

This is my first post on this site. My wife and I are hoping to adopt through the state. Our last class is this Thursday, so our homestudy will come up shortly. I was the only one in my class who stood up for my convictions on spanking as a form of discipline. I very much believe that spanking is a great form of discipline if it is done right. I think redirection and loss of priveleges is fine to a point, but for some kids it is the best form of discipline.

I hate to be confrontational in my first post, but those who pass judgement on someone for spanking their child should rethink their logic. I always hear that spanking a child teaches them that it is okay to hit. If spanking is done in anger, then I believe this can be true. If it is done out of love, it teaches you to obey. I think this country has fewer and fewer obedient children because fewer and fewer parents are willing to spank their child. Soon, it may even become illegal. When that happens, I will leave this country and move to Belize.

I have decided to go ahead and be deceptive during the homestudy. If they ask if I will spank, I will flat out lie and tell them, "No". After all, that's what they want/need to hear from me. I recommend to anyone who wants to adopt or foster a child through the state, that you tell them you don't believe in it. That could very easily keep you from getting a child. I think CPS does it's best, but some of them have very hippie-fied views on discipline.

If you don't want to spank your child that's fine, but don't tell me I can't spank mine. If it's a foster child that's different, and I probably wouldn't spank them at all, but once it is mine, if they disobey, they will learn that it's not a good idea to defy daddy.

I look forward to posting more, and thanks to all who have made this board possible.

[looking2adopt1]

Wow! I rarely respond at all on these boards but I have to agree with Proverbs. I doubt many would say they are "in favor" of spanking but sometimes it's the only thing that will work. I do believe that you should never hit a child when angry but IMO there is a difference between a smack on the hand or rear than there is to closed hand or using something to hit with. I think there are more children that are disrespectful and behave badly now than there was years ago. Does that have anything to do with acceptable spankings? Not sure. Ironic though.

We actually left one agency's informational meeting because we would not agree to sign any kind of form saying we would NEVER spank our child. I do not feel we can say never. It definately would not be my first choice of punishment but I think the option should be there.