[rickjordan]

My wife divorced my son's bio-father when he was one. I've been in his life since he was two. I married his mother when he was 6.

I adopted him when he was 10. His bio-father signed away all rights and has no legal rights. He had not seen my son for years at the time of the adoption and was years past due in any child support.

Over the past few months I've noticed my son (now 14) has been giving me attitude. I've found out that his bio-father has been contacting him via email and asking him to call behind our backs. In exchange he has been shipping my son gifts behind our backs to a friend of my son's.

Everything he has sent my son has been a deliberate attempt to undermine my authority. I took away some C.D.s from my son so bio-dad sends him a Best Buy gift card to replace them. I caught my son shopplifting the Matrix DVD (very unlike him) and made him return it (I worked out in advance for the store manager to give him heck) so bio-dad buys the DVD and sends it.

He has been asking my son to confront us on issues and has even asked my son to move up there with him. We are in Georgia and he's in Maryland.

I went to the county authorites and was told that I could not get any help or a restraining order. They told me that the charges are so severe (child enticement, stalking, etc.) that they would not want to send a biological father to jail for several years over it. Plus because my son is 14 so he's old enough to know what he's doing.

Since it's taking place in two states are there federal laws involved? Are there Georgia state adoption laws that an adoptive parent can use to protect themselves form the biological parents?

The bio-parents have no legal status yet the county authorities here gave them rights by saying that the laws should not apply to bio-parents.

I need HELP!!! This interaction is tearing our family apart.

[mj77]

How has your dialogue with your son been? How was your relationship before all this? Gosh, 14 years is a tough age in itself (I don't need to tell you that). If you aren't able to connect yourself with your son (doing stuff with him, talk about things you used to and show some interest in some of the things he might like), His bdad will and you might need to look into more drastic measures, not sure what though. I wish I could give you an answer. Your son is obviously getting something out of the relationship with his bdad and I don't think it is only cds and dvds. My best advice would be to gain you son's trust again. You are probably going to have to use some pretty tough love with him in the process though, it sounds like you are on the right track with how you handled the shoplifting incident. You are going to need to be able to trust him too. I seem to suggest this in so many of my posts but, I would look into getting the book Parenting with Love and Logic. I know there is a teen one available too. I hope I an not just stating the obvious. My heart goes out to you and your situation. Could you give us a little more detail about how your relationship has been with your son? Best of luck, Melissa

[amom4life]

an attorney!! Really I think the advisement on this matter would be best left to an attorney. Laws can vary so much and I know I wouldn't be comfortable giving you advice.

I wouldn't waste any time you need to get this resolved before a lot more damage is done.
Judy

[rickjordan]

Originally posted by mj77
Your son is obviously getting something out of the relationship with his bdad and I don't think it is only cds and dvds.

Actually it is about the stuff. What would you do if you were 14 and getting emails saying, "Hey, email me back and tell me what you want. I'll send it to a different address so your parents won't know"? Of course a 14 year old is going to take free stuff.

The other emails he sends are things like "You don't have to do what your mom tells you to do because you can always come here."

It is greatly upsetting our family.

What if this was a 14 year old girl and a 35 year old man was sending her gifts behind her parents back to entice her across state lines? Since the bio-dad has no legal rights it's the same thing according to the law.

I'm researching everything from federal postal laws to the internet interstate stalking laws, to local codes and restraining orders.

Before I talk to a lawyer I would like to know what laws apply. I know of some laws but I would like to know more.

If anyone knows of any laws that apply please reply.

[RiverGal]

Okay ~ I am going to risk my neck and take a slightly different stand, here, but keep in mind that this is simply one person's opinion.

I think I'd start by contacting the biodad first. Doing the math, he was 21 years old when he fathered your son, and I'm sure he has many regrets for being the dead-beat dad that he was...not that he is showing any great level of maturity now...but it is evident that he wants some contact. Maybe you could work it from that angle.

If you could contact him and let him know that you are aware of what he is attempting to do (buy the boy's love) but his actions are damaging. Is there no way you can find some middle ground? Maybe allow some level of snail mail contact that can be monitored? Ask him to work with you for the good of the boy?

My feeling is that if you wage an all out war, you will be on the losing end in the longrun. Your son will be of legal age to walk out in a couple years...then your guidance and influence are toast. Is it worth the risk to alienate him by him thinking you are simply "out to get" his biodad? You're up against a time window here since he is already 14.

Is it fair? Not at all. BUT...if you don't tread carefully, you are running the risk of reporting a runaway. Sometimes, rotten compromise beats the alternative.

Just food for thought.

Good luck....

~Deb

[mj77]

rickjordon, thanks for a little more clarity. MissingLink made a good point about you and your son's relationship however, I would still get an attorny like amom4life stated. It wouldn't hurt to go in for a consultation just to find out what rights you have and how things might be affected as a result of acting on them. For some reason I assumed you'd already spoken with an attorney. Sorry. You sound like you are on the right track. Please keep us posted on this.

[bromanchik]

Have you thought about family therapy? Essentially you have a defacto open adoption. Your son most likely feels his loyalties split and is not sophisticated enough to know that the birthdad is trying to buy him. 14 is a huge time of identity formation and, like it or not, your son's birthfather is a part o who he is.

Family therapy would help you set boundries, let both your son and the birthfather forge a relationship without the subterfuge, but under your guidence. The bottem line is that cutting the birthfather out will only alienate your son. Helping him understand the birthfather's place in his life, creating an open, honest safe place for a relationship will only help everyone.

[mamatokay]

Just wanted to tell you how we handled our situation. It was a little different then yours since it was with our 11 year old daughter at the time and with her bmom. Our daughter was adopted from the foster care system, her bmom lost her rights after my daughter had been in the system for over 5 years. She had been in 3 other homes before us and with us for over 2 years before the adoption was final.

Anyhow to get to the point, when our daughter was 11 a member of her bfamily saw her in public and decided that they needed to give her all the information on her bmom, including phone number, email address etc.. My daughter decided to contact her bmom behind our back, the bmom told her not to tell us they were in contact, she proceeded to tell her that DSS stole her, we were also supposed to be involved with this horrible deception, (which was not true since my daughter went into care at 3 weeks old and was not even placed with us until she was 2 1/2). She had her calling her "Mama" and me by my first name, set up a secret email account which I knew nothing about and was making plans to come get my daughter and take her back to her home..which was crossing state lines. I very rarely let my daugher be on the internet, but this was during the Christmas holidays and went on for about 2 weeks before I found out, I was slack in my monitoring of her time on the computer. I, like you, talked with the local police, talked to an attorney and found there was not much I could do unless she actually came to our state and picked her up, then of course it would be considered kidnapping.

The first thing I did after I found that my hands were tied was to get my daughter into counseling. This helped tremendously, she was able to see why she was adopted and found that we were not the "bad guys" here. We went for 9 months. I also had to allow a meeting. I called the bmom and told her that I would not allow any contact if the lies did not stop, that if she cared for the child as she said she did she would want what was best for her and not satisfy her own selfish needs. I also recommended that she get into counseling also, as she has never come to terms about loosing DD to the foster care system. My daughter at this time was 3 months shy of turning 12. Last May 2003, after my duaghter turned 12 I did arrange a meeting with the bmom for my daughter, and you know what, reality met up with fantasy. What my daughter thought was going to be the "perfect" ferry tale, turned out to be someone she doesn't even want to have in her life. All the bmom did was fill my poor daughters head with stories of her family, stories of why she was taken ( lies) and how she tried for 5 years to get her back, too much information for her to digest. The bmom has been married and has 3 other children, she felt that she should treat my daughter as one of her own, when my duaghters 12th birthday came around she asked me could she send a present, I told her that would be OK, well, we received this large box full of piles of cheap junk. When Easter followed shortly after that she called me and told me that she always buys her children Easter outfits and bunnies, etc and since my daughter was "her daughter" she wanted to spend the equal amount on her and send her everything she buys her children. I told her NO, that we would take care of her Easter, she needed to concentrate on her children at home. After the meeting in May, my daughter cut all contact with her. Our counselor let us know that my daughter would have to set the limits of where this woman would fit in her life, DD decided that she didnt want anymore contact. Around August bmom emailed me and told me she was going to be in the area and could she see DD, I told my daughter about the email, and again she said NO.

Around the 1st week of December my husband and I were out of the country and our DD stayed with our Pastor and his wife for a week. I arranged for my daughter to be on the internet briefly while we were gone so I could email her. WELL, bmom saw her on and IM'd her, told her her bfather was out of prison and wanted to meet her...all this behind my back...I believe she was trying to get goody points with my daughter by introducing her to her bdad. When we got home from our trip, my daughter came home and as soon as she came in the house the phone rang, she of course being a typical 12 year old assumed it was for her, and she answered it, it was bmom, she 3wayed the bdad into the conversation with her. I was livid....the bmom had previously emailed me and told me the bdad was out of prison, and wanted to meet her, I told her I would talk to my DD about this and we would decide together what to do, the problem was, she had already 3wayed them into a conversation before she wrote me.

I found that we cannot trust the bmom, she does not care how all of this has affected our daughter, all she cares about is her own selfish needs. I then put a stop to all contact. I told bmom that when our dd was older and if she wanted to persue a relationship then that was fine, but while she was still a young teenager, I called the shots not her, and since I could not trust her to do what was right all contact would cease.

This happened in December of this year and to date we have not had any contact with the woman. I tried to do what was right and allowed contact, but the woman has more problems then we are able to cope with and she was projecting this on to my daugher. It was as if she expected my daughter to fix the past, and the past is gone, too much for my daughter to handle.

My advise would be to get your son into counseling....try to talk to the bdad even set up a meeting, as I said, sometimes when reality meets ferry tales the children can see through it.

Sorry so long winded, but I feel for you, been there done it, but our situation seems to be working out now...my daughter is now 13 and still wants nothing to do with her bmom.

~Carol~

[heikkila]

Please consider getting an attorney.

A good attorney does not "wage war" on anyone. They can be a good mediators and make very clear what behavior is acceptable and not acceptable, when a party has overstepped their bounds. Communication on legal letterhead can show that you are serious about handling this situation legally and definitively.

You do not need to be threatening or angry, but when your child's safety is involved (and I believe it is), you need to be clear to everyone about your expectations for contact with your son.

Good luck.

Rebecca

[mamatokay]

You are correct, and when we were going through this with our daughters bmom, we had a lawyer send her a letter, on a letter head letting her know that she has over stepped her bounds. We actually put a "Cease and Desist" on her, you know what she said...."so what"..... she basically told us that if our daughter wanted to have contact with her she would find a way to go behind our backs. The lawyer told me since we were dealing with different states, it would be up to us to take a law suit out against the bmom, but that again could be costly, and still probably would not do any good. The only way we would be able to stop it is if she came to our state picked up our daughter and then crossed the state line, then the FBI would get involved and she would be charged with kidnapping.

As long as you are dealing with a young teen who thinks they know what is good for them, and they are encouraged to lie and do things behind their parents back, there is not much recourse other than getting the teen help or counseling. If you take a lawsuit out against the bparent, then the child can one day hold it against you.

I still say, get counseling for your son, talk to the bfather, then possibly set up a meeting, I would also talk to the parents of the boy the bfather is sending gifts to, let them know what is going on and have them monitor what comes in, I am sure that they are not even aware of whats going on, and if they are, I am sure that they only know part of the story. That way when the "gifts" come in, you can pick them up and not your son. Its not as much fun to hide it from the parents when they get involved with the contact. With young teens sometimes its just the fact that they feel like they are getting away with something, you know, putting one over on their parents.

Just my opinion, from one who has been there.

~Carol~

[RiverGal]

As long as you are dealing with a young teen who thinks they know what is good for them, and they are encouraged to lie and do things behind their parents back, there is not much recourse other than getting the teen help or counseling. If you take a lawsuit out against the bparent, then the child can one day hold it against you.

My point, exactly! At 14, he is in the "parents suck...I know what's right for me" attitude. You can't come off looking like the enemy, or you'll lose him until he matures enough to see what was REALLY going on.

A good attorney does not "wage war" on anyone.

Nor was I talking about the attorney "waging war." Re-read my post before you change my meaning. I was talking about DAD "waging war."

As I said, it is MY OPINION only...

~Deb

[goldandbraid]

miss Rebecca, you nor none of the rest of us can tell only by a few of this mans words if his boys safety is bein involved here. If this man goes to handlin this wrong and trys to put a end to all comunnicating with this boy and his birthdaddy he can very well turn it all arond on hisself for the future. Mr Rick, there has been some good advise given to you here, I hope the best for your family.

[heikkila]

I was specifically concerned by the following behaviors mentioned in the post:

1. I've found out that his bio-father has been contacting him via email and asking him to call behind our backs.

2. Everything he has sent my son has been a deliberate attempt to undermine my authority.

3. He has been asking my son to confront us on issues and has even asked my son to move up there with him. We are in Georgia and he's in Maryland.

Miss goldandbraid, these behaviors are an adult manipulating a child, and they are dangerous. It doesn't matter who this man is.

Also, if you read my post, I did not suggest putting an end to the communication with his biological father, but I did suggest having a professional set some clear boundaries for APPROPRIATE contact.

Rebecca

[goldandbraid]

Miss Rebecca I didnt say you did suggest it, the titel of this post says the birthdaddy is STALKING, he is talkin avot putting on a restraning order and so on and so forth, that is what suggests to me he dont want his son havin no contact with his birthdaddy at all, and in less then 4 years he probly wont have any say in that and it woud be ashame if he ruins hes relation with his own boy now by doin this, that is what I said.

[RiverGal]

...it woud be ashame if he ruins hes relation with his own boy now by doin this, that is what I said.

And I think you are right.