[LouiseT]

does anyone else feel this way?

after battling infertility for five years, i thought i had grown accustomed to people's well-meant, but ignorant comments.
but now that we are looking into adoption, all of the "infertility" experts have now become "adoption experts". i appreciate any useful advice or experiences frineds and family can share, but i am tired of everyone oversimplifiying the process.

everyone had a cure for my infertility ("just relax and don't think about it, are you sure you shouldn't go to another doctor" like we haven't already exhausted ALL options at this point...)

now everyone says "why don't you just adopt? so-and-so got a baby right away with no problems.. my mom's hairdresser recently said i should go to albania it's very cheap, you just go there and in 2 weeks you have an infant.

when i try to explain that the procedure is not as simple as it seems, i'm accused of being too negative and maybe i haven't done all the research i should.

again i appreciate helpful comments, but i feel like so many people are ignorant to the infertility and adoption processes, and they assume it's easy and that maybe i'm just not focusing. keep in mind that none of these people have experienced either issue themselves - they only retell the stories they heard about their neighbor's niece's friend, etc. they don't realize that perhaps they are not hearing the full ugly story from those people.

anyone else feel this way sometimes?

[DadinTraining]

I remember when my wife and I were getting married, all of our married (and some single) friends told us exactly what to expect and what to do before, during and after our wedding. You HAVE to register at Williams Sonoma! You HAVE to go to Jamaica! You HAVE to do the Chicken Dance! Turns out, the experience itself makes everyone an expert; at least in their own minds. Helpful though they intended to be, these friends created extra anxiety during an already anxious time.

Now comes adoption, and our friends and family are trying very hard to be helpful again, this time without having had the experience themselves. My perspective of this is to realize that I (and my wife) am the expert and they are the support group. My job is to understand the actual processes, theirs is to provide excitement and support.

We have had most of the typical comments and questions so far including horrifyingly personal questions about fertility, questions about why we are adopting internationally, suggestions regarding race/nationality issues, etc. I understand first and foremost that the questions themselves indicate interest and not judgement. I appreciate that people care enough to ask questions at all, and I have found (as most of you probably also have) that the questions come from an ignorance that is not at all the fault of the non-adoptive family. They sincerely want information, but haven't been trained, as we have, to frame them in the right terms. I doubt they've thought about the entire process a tenth as much as we have, so how COULD they understand the depth of feeling involved.

Okay, now the reality. It still aggravates me when I hear someone say "real baby" and "why not an American kid?" and "what's wrong with your sperm." Sometimes I do want to smack someone on the forehead and say MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. But I haven't, at least not yet anyway.

Since my adopted child will not look at all like me, I am practicing my deflection/education/humor response skills and look forward to perfecting them for years and years to come.

oops, didn't mean to write a book here, just an interesting topic. Thanks for the space.

Dad in Training
(Let's hear from more dads in here)

Application Dec 31st
Home Study Complete March 1st
Materials to Korea and INS March 19th
Waiting waiting waiting

[Anigel]

We get that too. The don't you want a baby (we're hoping to adopt from DCF)? When will you have your own? Not to mention the heap of nosey money questions, fertility questions, and broad statements about foster children. So, and so's. UGH!

The hardest to bear was the silence though. Yes, believe it or not. Mother's day we went to my MIL's house. Nothing was said about the adoption, no questions we asked, nothing. It was the silent, "my poor son, if he'd known he could have married someone else." At least that was what I read into the looks she kept giving us. I'm not infertle (that we know of), I'm not crazy, and I hope all the research I've done (almost 6 months worth so far with more to come) Allows me to have some idea what I'm doing.

As Dad in Training put it, they are the support and the excitement, but somedays they are harder to shrug off than others!

Ani~

[redhedded]

Just enjoying reading your thoughts. Actually, Dadintraining, your post cracked me up. Anigel, sorry for the mother's day vibes that you got; that is so hard. Everyone does become an expert in his own mind after his journey; though each's experience varies vastly, and most who provide information have never had the experience themselves. Maybe you should say to them exactly what you said here - appreciate your efforts, but maybe you could just provide support and lend an ear.

As a first time mother in an area of big families, to a toddler no less, and as a member of an Irish, Thai and African American family, we get suggestions and comments on a regular basis. Sometimes it makes me tired; my once witty retorts and smiles have become a shrug as I walk away appearing confused by their interjection.

Best of luck to each of you on your journey.

[1of2moms]

I know where you are all coming from and get to add the fun comments of my mother. I have tried to get pregnant. Doctor says no reason I should not eventually be able to but as the thousands mount, the fear grows. So now, as well as trying to adopt, we are trying to get my partner pregnant. All my mom says is "you know, with her being over weight, are you sure ____" fill in the blank.

At least all our friends are very supportive of us wanting to adopt and also, our friends are also very excited that we hope to adopt AA children.

[Dawn-NJ]

THis is why I kept my fertility treatments quiet, the fact that I got pg by IVF quiet, and my adoption plans for #2 quiet now, I don't want to hear this c__p.
I am sure I will be hearing some stuff when we make the ammouncemnt, but I can wait until then.

[Keana]

Shortly after we were married, we found out my husband was unable to father children, my SIL told me I'd have to find someone else if I wanted to have a baby...I still shake my head at that, and that was 10 years ago!
THANKFULLY! They have been much more supportive of our adoption of twin boys..... well except for the comment from my mom "OH! But we wanted girls, not more boys!" I just tell myself 'consider the source'.

Keana

[icunurse]

As hard as it is (and, trust me, I've been there), just try to keep in mind that most people are just trying to help or support you....they just don't know how. So, they say things that they probably normally wouldn't or "what they would do". I've found that very few people outside infertility or adoption circles know just what to say. I try to keep it in perspective.
I've had a newly pregnant woman tell me how I would never want to be pregnant if I felt like she did (this was right after yet another failed infertility tx). And now that I have adopted my son, I've had people tell me,"Oh, now you'll get pregnant for sure" (not likely and, honestly, we are beyond attempting). The people who said these things are otherwise super-nice, sensitive people. They just had a bit of a brain freeze or something when they said these things. So, stay strong, try and be patient with them, and good luck.

[Dee1234]

I'm sure we've all heard insensistive comments from friends and family, but icunurse is right. They are probably just trying to do and/or say something to help and support you.

Here are a couple comments we've heard:

"Maybe now that you're planning to adopt, you'll get pregnant."

"Maybe after you adopt, you can try to get pregnant again. If you have another miscarriage, it won't matter because you'll have a child already and will be busy."

"I think you should just forget what the doctors say and do what "so-in-so" did. She didn't have a miscarriage, so maybe that will work for you."

When someone says something like that, I try to ignore it and remember they just don't understand. It is difficult for them to know how you feel because they haven't experienced what you have experienced.

Hang in there and try not to let the comments get to you. Only you and your spouse know what is right for you.

-Dee

[saxxxy]

My sister told me that we were doing it 'the easy way'. She will never know what those words did to me. Most people will never know how cruel those words are to those of us in the infertility-adoption circle of life.

Luckily though my family has been very supportive with our foster care experience and are thrilled with our new adopted addition to the family.

[Anigel]

Saxxy you're exactly right, a friend on another thread calls this our invisiable pregnancy. We're waiting, planning, etc, all while being on an emotional roller coaster too.

On a high note, some friends have taken the news really well, saying things like I'm so happy for you, and I always wanted to do that. My boss was the best. No talk about how great I am for wanting to do this, or charitable, bla, bla. She knew what it was like to be in our shoes.

[LisaCA]

sorry to say I love this thread. I think we've all heard the clueless comments. I know when we were looking for a new house this past fall, we asked a few folks (agents) at the houses we were viewing about whether kids lived there, was it kid friendly (since we don't have kids and didn't have a clue what to look for in a house). They'd find out we were adopting and then, boom, the infertilility advice. Mind you, dh and I have always wanted to adopt and planned our family that way, so the infertility advice was useless for a number of reasons, but wow, talk about insensitive. They would state that now that we're adopting we'll get pregnant. I'd always say, wow, that would be funny since we're not trying to get pregnant, and then they'd stare at us. I enjoyed the funny looks. oh and the comments about "psycho" birthmoms and how they'll stalk the child if they know where we live, etc are priceless. Amazing how there can be so many adoptions here in the US and yet so many clueless people...

when dh and I got married, I wanted to prevent the comments about children, esp. from his side of the family (he's the favorite son, oldest and clearly the most perfect according to his family). So I said that we probably weren't having children but if we do we'll adopt and this is the last I want to hear about it. Ha, the comments about how we "should have had kids" still fly fast and furious. I usually just say nothing but sit with a smile on my face, making the silence pretty uncomfortable for them. Luckily the middle child, less popular originally, has a biological child, so they have obsessed about him and the child. Unfortunately it means dh is no longer number one so he's trying to adjust to being the less favored son. I am celebrating:-).

needless to say we have kept the adoption stuff from my inlaws. we will notify them once the child arrives and not a second before. I can imagine the comments about why didn't we have our "own" kids, why am I so selfish about not reproducing their bloodline, etc. I suspect they will treat my child a bit differently then their biol grandchild, but such is life. they live on the east coast and we're here in sunny california and our paths cross once a year tops. They'll be miffed about being out of the loop, but then, so what? My family knows and is thrilled (sis has crocheted at least 3 blankets so far, working on at least two more and some hats). We hope dh's family will behave better upon the child's arrival, but are not counting on it.

My favorite comments also include the questions/comments about international adoption. I tell them that frankly blacks here in the us generally do domestic adoptions given the numbers of black children in the system. They usually volunteer comments like "I hear you can get a girl from china pretty easily" because it's all about the transaction or "that's so good of you to adopt" as if we're one step from sainthood!

if only people knew just how dumb they sound.

LisaCA

[spaypets]

Everytime I read one of these threads, I thank my lucky stars that I didn't have people making such remarks to me.

I think part of the reason was because we only told our immediate family that we were planning to adopt and that was only because we needed my brother to sign a guardianship agreement and my mom's SO to write a reference letter for the home study. We swore them to secrecy. When we got the referral, we sent letters out to everyone we ever corresponded with, enclosed her photo and included a list of Frequently Asked Questions, like "Why adoption?" (There are lots of ways to form a family and this is the way we choose) and "Why India?" It was great because we didn't have to go over the same stuff time and time again.

I also told all my co-workers at once too. I had precisely two people inquire about my fertility (a co-worker and my hairdresser) and deflected the questions ("We really don't talk about that"). They were being well-meaning, but too nosy for me.

As far as other people, we really didn't talk about it. Now that she's here, it's pretty obvious how our family was formed and although in the course of a conversation someone might confirm that she's adopted, I don't get a lot of nosy questions (just lots of attention!).

[redhedded]

Like Spay, we get loads of positive attention wherever we go, often because our 21 month old is singing her ABCs from start to finish. No one has EVER made a fertility comment to me; we chose adoption first though are not presumably infertile and did not share our reasons for adopting with others. Only our close friends, family and colleagues knew of our waiting status. We have been so fortunate that our families and friends were supportive and then overjoyed at our daughter's arrival. She is an only grandchild, for my parents and my hubby's parents.

So, being tight lipped, which we generally are has not kept the advice or comments at bay. Dee, I respect your view and your experience; ours, however, has been different. It is not a lack of information but rather basic rudeness and insensitivity that has prompted many of the remarks which we have received. One such example is, "why didn't you adopt a child that looks like you?" (which would be what? a tall redheaded Asian child) Such comments, however, do still shock us, as like Spay, we generally experience love, warmth, enthusiasm and affirmation from most whom we encounter.

In fact, today, as so many times before, I was approached by a woman inquiring about adoption. I have often discussed here our choice to share no information about adoption when asked by total strangers, unless. . . they are inquiring for themselves, and then we are very open about the process. This woman prefaced her introduction with, "I do not want to be forward or rude but wanted to know if you minded. . . " For me, this approach has always lended itself to an open, honest and sincere discussion.

[DadinTraining]

okay chiming back in here...

It's very easy to remember the insensitive remarks, the "helpful" suggestions, and the clearly offensive comments. It's more gratifying though to remember the positives. In my experience so far, I have been stunned almost to tears at the response of most of my friends, family and coworkers.

I can't count the number of people who have said "That's great!" and "I've always wanted to look into adopting." I work with a large number of women (uh oh, getting sexist) and their maternal instinct seems to have overcome them. A couple of them even managed to hug me; awkward, but funny. They're planning a shower and pester me for updates all the time.

My family has dug into websites (Hi Lori, I'd be surprised if you haven't been here yet) and books, and my nieces and nephews can't wait for their new cousin. Grandparents on both sides (one of whom fought in Korea, so that could've been a bit dicey) have been overwhelmingly supportive.

It's across this sunny background of love and support that occasionally the dark cloud of ignorance passes. For some reason the hurt seems to be felt more strongly than the support, but the support lasts longer.

Someone else said it and I've felt it too; people can sometimes act as if you're doing something entirely selfless and saintly, when often times I've felt that this is extremely selfish (we want a baby!). It's difficult to wrap my brain around the idea that both views are fairly accurate.

Enjoying the journey,

Dad in Training