[love to be mom]

My birthmom called be for the first time on May 14th, she lives at the YMCA and is in a bad possition. She asked for expenses (money) even though child is 2 months old and in foster care, and medical bills are already paid. We understood her need and said that we would give her as much as legally possible. Gave her our attorneys # and asked her to call to get info. She did and she also called and made an appt. with her attorney for tomarrow but today I tried to call her to say that no matter the outcome tomarrow, I would love to keep in touch and help her. I called at 11:00am says she has to run but please call back at 2:30 but I've tried 3x and left massages and can't seem to get her on the phone. She said that she was absolutely sure she was ready to place child, she also has another child not living with her. We love children, we have 3 bio boys and were hoping to add to our family. I told her that we wanted her to keep in touch with baby she said NO! Have we been scammed? I know all about sacrafices I love my boys, I know what it means to have your heart live outside your body. We were hoping for the chance to love some more, but now we are scared that we're just not strong enough to go through this whole process. Please don't think it's any easier because we already have 3 bio boys, we're still heart broken, and those of you that have already adopted and are now trying again know what I mean. we feel that she's not going to the appt. I just don't understand why she just wouldn't come to the phone and tell me. Any and all feedback please l

__________________
Father, I desire that those also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory, which you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world.
John 17:24

[RiverGal]

It sounds like the birthmom might be a little self-serving. Does her history include drug abuse? Asking you for money, then disappearing and becoming aloof leans me in that direction.

I hope things work out for your family ~ especially for the child. While I don't have much advice, I will send a prayer up right now that things will be okay, and the child will have the love and security that you want so much to give.

God Bless!

~Deb

[love to be mom]

Well, she didn't make her attorneys appt. Of course I knew she wouldn't (gut feeling) I wish I could say that I'm not heart broken because I knew it was to good to be true. The only good thing to come out of this is that I'm pretty sure that I can't wait months to find out if a bmom is going to go through with it. It was hard enough for me to wait a week. I know some of you think I'm crazy, that I expected it to be easy but I'ts more about knowing that Mentally and physicallly I can't handle it. I haven't slept for 3 days and I lost 3 lbs in a week. I will continue to consider older children birth to 1 yr. old because I could alwaya stand to lose wait. LOL I think that it would be better for my personally type to deal with 1 week at a time. Please forgive me if I've offended anyone I'm just venting I tend to do that when I get bad news. God Bless

[RiverGal]

I'm so sorry that you are going through the pain of this disappointment. I can imagine how empty you feel at the moment. I'm sure it's not much consolation, but take peace in the fact that you did everything you could do to help the birthmother. She obviously has some issues.

My prayers are with you.

~Deb

[Big Dreamer]

Sorry the birth mom didn't show.

I have traveled the adoption journey and would like to say that I understand your pain, as time goes on you will learn to love and let go. Adoption is a roller coaster ride like you have never experienced before but the rewards are well worth it.

There were times I had to take things one minute at a time; there is sooo much emotion involved on both ends. Each time things didn't work out I mourned the loss of the child that could’ve been mine. I still remember all of their birthdays. Take time to heal from this experience. Each experience will prepare you for the "right" situation.

When our daughters bmom found us we knew in our hearts it was meant to work out. When I look back at all of the other situations it was like trying to put a square peg in a round hole, non the less each experience was a learning lesson.

Our bmom turned out to have all the wonderful qualities that I had always hoped for. She is more than a sister and more than a friend, I love her more than anyone can ever imagine. We have a great realtionship and talk often. Keep your chin up....DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE....

Take care,
Maria

[Big Dreamer]

On another note please try not to take this situation personal. You did everything you could to have a relationship with this person but for whatever reason she was not ready to receive your love.

If she is serious she will call back, maybe she just needs some time to sort things out.

Please try to remember that she chose to walk away, no matter what you might have said or done she may have walked away at a later time in the relationship. Though it is hard to hear it is better that she walk away early in the relationship that way both of you are able to heal and continue with your journeys.

Though you are probably experiencing a great deal of pain and frustration please try to remember that some doors close while others open so that better opportunities can come your way.

Take care of yourself; you are stronger than you think.

Good Luck
Maria

[love to be mom]

I thank you all, you've all been so understanding. Dreamer I've read some of your other post and you've made me feel so much better. I know that she has probably never had the support of family and friends but I tried to make her understand that we really cared about her. I am afraid that she is trying to sell her baby. If she was sincere why not call to tell me that she was not going to see her attorney, that she had doubts? and how do I trust her now, If she did call back I would tell her to call her attorney keep an appt. and prove herself trustworthy. Which of course would sound Like we're not understanding and don't trust her, but she really hurt us. Are there special circumstances to stay at the YMCA?? She told me she didn't know where her husband "the jerk" was but 15 minutes later she told my attorney that he would sign. My DH and I have discussed trying to only adopt older children, after birth to 1 yr. old. We feel that for us waiting a week to find out if we will be placed is about all we're emotionally ready for now. I can't imagine how horrible I would feel if It had been a 3 month wait and she chose to parent. Of course that is her right and NO One can take that away from her but emotionally for us, lets just say that it's for now un-do-able. Thank you all, God Speed and may He Bless you all

[love to be mom]

Though you are probably experiencing a great deal of pain and frustration please try to remember that some doors close while others open so that better opportunities can come your way.
Take care of yourself; you are stronger than you think.

I want to say that the doors that have opened for me have led me to this site where I have read sorrow and pain and also joy when babies are finally home. It is a priveledge to be here and speak to you all. It would be so much harder without you. It's amazing that we are all here touching eachothers lives even in this small way. Imagine if we all got together in one very big room, I would have to give many, many very big hugs.

[mj77]

love to be mom, I love what you just said. We are stronger than we think. I don't know how I've been functioning the last few weeks but I have. Adoption is not easy. It has not been a fun ride to be on. But I know the outcome will be good. I rely on faith toget me through all this.

[Crane13]

Hang in there! There are million children out there waiting for good homes to find them. I love that you are open to older children! Keep us posted, God Bless,

Jill

[yanknrebel]

We were in the same situation. We were doing a private adoption with a girl who is a shirttail. She is a known crack addict, who has been in jail numerous times as well as in rehab 16 times (so far) and is only 28. SHe has given birth to 5 children so far and is pregnant again. We think she gets pregnant because the courts and jail oficials go easier on her when she is pregnant. She has lost every one of her children, to adoption or foster care. SHe no more gives the child up (because she is going to or in jail) and then she is pregnant again. We were contacted by her grandmother (who is the only person that still believes her) wanting us to adopt her 1 year old little boy. We got involved with this girl, went to LA (where she lives, we in TN) to meet her and the birthfather. At first the father wanted to sign, but then decided not to. While we were there visiting her and the birthfather of this child, she told us she was pregnant again. The bf of 1 year old was NOT the father of this child she was carrying. They both agreed to place this child up for adoption and wanted us to adopt this one. Of course we were estatic. To make a long story short, we were involved with this girl from her 2nd month to 2 weeks before the baby was born. This child was either going to be biracial, half hispanic or caucasian. We did not care. We went to LA and attended a weekend long therapy session this ** asked us to attend with her while she was in court appointed rehab (14th time, age 26). We even took our two teenage children and they were asked to participate to incorporate this girl and pregnancy into the family and support her. We sent her clothing, personal hygiene products, cigarettes, a BIBLE, books, magazines etc, to jail for her. Went she got out she went to a halfway house in which we were told (by her) that she had to pay $300.00 a month in order to stay there. We were naive and sent her $300.00 every month for 4 months, until 2 weeks before the baby was born, I spoke to the head of the halfway home, only to find out that these "residents" don't pay to live there. When I confronted her, the very next day she called telling me that she had a dream and God told her she needed to parent this child. Here we had everything done, nursery, lawyer paid, ICPC done, adoption papers drawn up. All we needed was to fill in the child's birthdate and the surrender. Needless to say we were devestated. Her grandmother called to tell me when the baby had been born. He was biracial (her drug suppliers baby). A few days later the ** called me. She was put up in an apartment by the state. When I called back 1 week later to check on she and the baby, they had disappeared . I finally found out that the ** had pawned all of the furniture in the apartment (was a furnished apartment) and had been picked up again while living with a felon that she had met in parenting classes (who was also a felon). Needless to say she was back in prison and the baby went to fostercare. We tried to have the baby placed with us, but the cw had a friend that she placed the baby with. That was two years ago. "Our" baby is now 33 months. We just found out Monday that the ** is in jail again and pregnant again!!!

[love to be mom]

I'm so sorry for you, how did you ever get through that gut renching ordeal? God & anyone else I might offend, forgive me but her reproduction rights should be taken away from her. She sounds like an awful person. God Bless you, RC

[St.Ives]

We were in the same situation. We were doing a private adoption with a girl who is a shirttail. She is a known crack addict, who has been in jail numerous times as well as in rehab 16 times (so far) and is only 28. SHe has given birth to 5 children so far and is pregnant again. We think she gets pregnant because the courts and jail oficials go easier on her when she is pregnant. She has lost every one of her children, to adoption or foster care. SHe no more gives the child up (because she is going to or in jail) and then she is pregnant again.

What is a "shirttail"?

[yanknrebel]

LOL OOPS!! SOrry, that should say "shirttail RELATIVE". You must have thought I was calling her something really bad, huh?