[Dublin]

I think the one thing I have had problems with since we adopted 5 months ago is that I have feelings that we "owe" the birthmom.

Have any of you had this feeling? How do I deal with it and move beyond this feeling?

[lisa in venice]

You do "owe" her. She entrusted you with an wesome responsibility and you it "owe" it to her to be the best parent possible. You "owe" it to her to give yourself totally and completely to this perfect little person. YOu need to honor your child's heritage and acknowledge treasure the their past. Beyond that I don't think you owe anything else. If you think about this every time you feel indebted, it might help you get thru.

lisa

[GreenThumb]

Dublin,

How do you mean, specifically? Can you put it into words?

I feel we owe our son's bmom to be the best parents we can be. We owe her to live up to what we've promised. We owe it to her to always honor her and her relationship with our son. We owe her to strive to be the people she sees us as. She has told us we are who she would want to be in order to raise him. Is it like that or something different?

Ann

[Dublin]

I completely understand and agree with what you are saying... I know we owe her for choosing us to be the parents of this wonderful little girl, we are grateful to her.

I can't really put into words what I am feeling. I guess one of the having issues is the other day I had to tell her that we could not come over to her mom's house to see her and her family. For some reason I felt terrible and that we owe her to see her whenever she calls, etc... but we cannot be on her whim, but I don't think she understands that. We could not have gone over, and our daughter was very grumpy that day too.

[tobeafamily]

Dublin,

I guess I view this differently - yes, you are grateful that she chose you to parent her child. She should also be grateful to you though in that you were willing to.

Placing a child in an adoption is a way for needs to be met - she needed someone who could and would parent her child. You needed to be a parent. The child needed parents who were ready and able to give them what they need to reach their potential.

In an ideal world, no child would be born to people who aren't ready to provide an enviornment that allows a child to meet their potential. This of course isn't an ideal world.

I sense from your last post that perhaps you're feeling guilty for setting a boundry - no, you cannot always drop everything anytime your child's birth family calls. It's not good for your child, them or you. Boundary setting isn't always happy and fun. Sometimes it's risky, negative, unhappy. When done with love, though, it's the best thing you can do.

Your child's bfamily may understand this, they may not. If not, then have an open discussion about how this relationship will 'work'. It's a relationship, and for it to work there must be give and take for you and your daughter's bfamily.

OK I'm rambling. Hope this makes sense,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Dublin]

I think you summed it up. I am feeling guilty for saying no, and setting boundaries.

We have a relationship with both the birthmother and birthfather and I think it has been hard to set boundaries as of yet. I think we will be working on this. We have to think what is best for our daughter now.

[tobeafamily]

Dublin,

It's tough, really. I've been there. What I found though when we finally had to set some boundaries was that Ryan's bfamily was relieved. They weren't sure how to act either, we were all kind of feeling our way around and not doing a very good job of it.

I view myself as the custodian of Ryan's relationship with his bfamily - it's my job to keep those relationships healthy and strong so that he will have the choice to either 'take the reins' and have his own relationship or not. If I don't take good care of us now, he won't have that choice later. It helps that we really like his bfamily and will likely have lifelong relationships with them whether he wants to or not.

Hang in,

Regina

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by Dublin
I think the one thing I have had problems with since we adopted 5 months ago is that I have feelings that we "owe" the birthmom.

Have you considered the possibility that you owe each other? Maybe you feel that you owe her because she is the reason you have your child. Maybe she feels that she owes you because you were willing to adopt her baby that she was not in the place to care for at this time. Just a thought. :-)
JJ

[bromanchik]

All real relationships have boundries.
Real relationships are about everyone's needs, not just one person's.
Yes, it is hard when your child's parents say no, but it also frees you as a birthparent to know that you can set boundries too. I used to feel guilty too when visits did not happen for logistic reasons. As our relationship developed I learned not to take that stuff personally. All relationships ebb and flow.

Dublin,

As an adoptee I have to say that in most cases of adoption nobody "owes" anyone anything!! Like someone said the child needed parents and were were there. When I had my children I thanked God when they were born and I think the same can be said in adoption. The only enity to be "owed" is God for giving you your wonderful child that you love so much.

If people feel they "owe" one onther whether it be aparents or birthparents the child is minimized and feelings of guilt are getting in the way. It was fate that brought you your child...this childs bmom did not have this child just to "give" to you. She was unable or unwilling to parent. You deserve to have this child just as any other parent does. Try not to let feelings of guilt get in the way of being a loving parent.

If you are have an open adoption....all adults need to be focused on the child and feelings of guilt or "oweness" need to be dealt with so all can assure this childs needs are met openly and lovely. To feel someone ie "owed" give one or ther other power that is inapproriate to this situation.

Both sets of parents can be thankful and honered to each other...but it needs to be understood that the power is equal....one is NOT better then the other. As the child grows, I assure you it will only help him/her in their status as an adoptee.

Enjoy this baby now...get rid of unneccesarry feelings....when they become teens you will have to draw on those tender, loving feelings you had when they were babies

Have fun!

Donna

[HappyMomAnna]

My debts are paid with a Prayer for the weel being, peace and future of our children's birthmother. Beyond this feelings of owing her anymore then what may have been agreed to in an open adoption agreement will do no one any great good. These feelings could blossom into other feelings that could become more damaging.

Feel HONOR that she chose to place her baby in your care.
Feel BLESSED for the joy of being a parent.

[Missy M]

Feel HONOR that she chose to place her baby in your care.
Feel BLESSED for the joy of being a parent.


Well said Anna! As a B-mom I want to share that I have never felt that my reunited daughters parents owed me anything simply because I never felt I gave them anything.
My daughters parents are the gift I gave to her. I wanted her to have a better life than the one I was then living; I never even considered that she would enhance their lives. While I don't feel they were providing daycare at all, my best analogy is this: When you select a daycare for your child you don't do it based on the needs of the provider; or so that she will have a lucretive income or a nice child to spend time with; you place your child there because its the best place for her/him when you can't keep them. The "needs" of the provider while certainly important to her are simply the least factor in the equation. Adoption for me was very much like this scenerio; I wanted to find parents to care for my child in a way that I could not. I was never "generous" enough to give anyone the gift of a child. I spent 30 years wondering how I'd thank this couple; never once did I think they were wondering the same thing too.
As Anna said, enjoy your child and remember, these thoughts are yours...not ours. The only person you owe something to is God, IMO. And another thing, you "pay" us by loving our babies in a way that only you can...Take Care>>>>MissyM

[mygreatlife]

If you promised this girl contact or to let her call on a certain day and time you owe it to her.

[Dublin]

I have been holding up my end of the agreement in our open adoption.

I think it is that I sometimes feel like we should go above and beyond our agreement to contact her, let her know what our daughter is doing, etc... The birthmom has only contacted us a few times and has never asked how our daughter is doing. I understand it is probably hard for her to broach the subject, but I guess I am just suprised.

[mygreatlife]

she will always love her daughter no matter who is rasing her