[Dublin]

Well, I understand that. She is a very interesting girl. According to her Social Worker, she never bonded with the baby at all while she was pregnant. She was very business like and never showed any emotion what so ever. When she delivered, it was very business like as well... lets get this over with... she held the baby, but no real emotion. No emotion to this day.

[Verncait]

Different people handle difficult situations in different ways. Sometimes people need to build walls to protect their feelings. I'm sure she totally loves the baby, but really just feels she needs to keep her emotions at bay to protect herself. Believe me, there are emotions and feelings under the surface. But she probably feels that she can't afford to let other's break through and see it. Please remember that she's going through a very painful time right now even if you can't see it. She needs time and understanding right now.

As far as "oweing" our children's birth mothers. I may not "owe" either of these women, but they have unintentionally given me my happiness as a mother. And, I owe them my love and respect for who and what they are. These women will always hold a special place in my heart even though they didn't intentionally set out to enrich my life. The fact remains that they have, and I will do my very best to do what is right by them. This does not mean that there aren't boundaries, it just means that I will treat them like they are special to me and my girls. I can honestly say that I love both of these wonderful women, regardless of anything else.

[iss36]

Greenthumb
i sent you a private message

[79nic]

A little late jumping in to this conversation...

Dublin, it sounds like you are honoring your open arrangement. It sounds like you are also a sensitive, caring aparent, who is genuinely concerned about the bmom.

What I wanted to say is that you SHOULD NOT feel bad about setting boundaries. Boundaries are necessary for a healthy life.

The bmom might be a little hurt when you have to say "no" sometimes. That is unavoidable. However, her reactions are not your responsibility. As long as you are working at the relationship with integrity (honoring the openness agreement, and being the best parent you can), you have nothing to feel bad about.

How old is your child? Very young? I ask because I wanted to tell you that, even though we (birthmoms) prepare for the adoption plan, run it through our minds, spend plenty of time trying to reconcile ourselves to "losing" our children, it is still hard to let go. Especially in the early months. At least for me.... Those first few times I saw my birthdaughter, it hurt so much to see that Y (not me) was her mom. Of course I KNEW that she was her mom, but it still FELT like I should be.

So while your child's bmom probably KNOWS that you are the parent, that you are the family (and that you need some healthy family boundaries), it might just be hard for her to accept right now. Hopefully, she will learn to accept it as time goes on.

Sorry so long.....

You come across as a very caring person. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much for this!!!

Nicole

[mygreatlife]

Of course birthmoms bond with thier child while pregnant. If this girl does not hold up her end of the bargain you should still uphold your end.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Dublin,
I hear ya. It can be hard to say we can't get together at certain time or certain date. Sometimes I feel like I have to have an extra good reason, doing errands or just playing at home is not a good enough reason for making plans another day, like the only valid reason is our house is on fire or the wheels fell off the car. It is helpful for me to remember that my child's birthmother is family to me and I'm not be able to meet with other family either sometimes. Still, the guilt is there, it is subsiding, though slowly over this first year. We have had our bumps over this last year and there will be more, but that is ok as long as we are always treating eachother respectfully, with regard. As Brenda said, all relationships have boundaries, boudaries come easier in some relationships than others. I'd also add that all relationships are a work in progress. My MIL comes to mind, some days our boundaries are clearly set and others they are falling apart and need to be redefined.

As for keeping up one end of an agreement, this is not about that. Dublin is doing that. For me, it is more about knowing and feeling the inequity of power in our relationship with our child's birthparents and being sensitive to how they perceive they are being treated. Most adoptive parents I know are aware of how unbalanced the scales are and that is always in the back of our minds. All I can do is be sure I honor our relationship, which for me is not the same thing as our agreement, and it goes without saying that I honor that.

Dublin, as for how your child's birthmother does or doesn't act or seem to feel surrounding the adoption, who's to say. None of us grieves in the same way.

[mygreatlife]

Honoring an agreement is part of a relationship.

[33458]

It might be necessary to take the time to discuss your feelings with the birthmother - nothing that you've said here suggests anything beyond the norm...it's not always going to be possible to meet expectations on either side, and since you opted for an open arrangement, make sure she understands that it is the 'happenings of every day' that might hamper an arrangement, and not that you are trying to keep the child from her...
It does sound like you are trying to hold up your end of the bargain.
(Relax.)
But concerning something else that you said - I wouldn't force information upon her, either. If she's not asking about your child, don't spend too much energy trying to make up for her lack of interest, if that is in fact the case.

[33458]

Originally posted by Dublin
I have been holding up my end of the agreement in our open adoption.

I think it is that I sometimes feel like we should go above and beyond our agreement to contact her, let her know what our daughter is doing, etc... The birthmom has only contacted us a few times and has never asked how our daughter is doing. I understand it is probably hard for her to broach the subject, but I guess I am just suprised.

This is what I was referring to...

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by mygreatlife
Of course birthmoms bond with thier child while pregnant. If this girl does not hold up her end of the bargain you should still uphold your end.

There are some that don't. Some are in huge denial about even being pregnant. Some are not allowing attachment in different ways. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard expectant moms say "This is not my baby. I am just carrying it for so-and-so adoptive parents." How can you bond to a baby that is not yours? There are some birthmothers that do not claim their babies until years after the placement. Of course this is problematic. How do you relinquish what you have not claimed?

I think this may be one of the main issues in loss of contact on the birthparent's side. Why should they feel any responsibility or sense of importance to a child that was never really "their's" to begin with?

[Brat]

"mygreatlife" is obviously underjulie and those other banned characters. Don't let her turn this thread into a battle between amoms and bmoms.

I have to run, but I did have a specific instance of owing the birthmom that I'd like to your feedback on. Just wanted to through out the heads up on "mygreatlife" before this thread goes to pot. :-)

[Dublin]

Thanks Brat. Yes, she seems to be ruining a perfectly good discussion.