[taurusgal29]

Hey all...just wanted to start by saying I so appreciate everybody on this board. I don't post much, but check it everyday to read up on everyone.
Here's my problem. Our bmom is due in a month. I like her soooooo much. I'm feeling really guilty that our joy is coming at her expense. Do you know what I mean? How are we supposed to be excited when I know that my heart is going to be breaking for her. Having experienced my own pregnancy losses, I know how hard it is. And she'll be experiencing her own loss in her own way.
This child is such an incredible blessing. I guess since it's getting so close that all the emotions are finally surfacing. Anybody else ever fel this way?
Sally

[Makareina]

... twice. I know exactly how you feel and it makes complete sense. Our great joy at being parents is definitely shadowed by the extreme pain a birth mother/birth parents go through when they choose adoption for their child. Her sorrow is very deep, and it is also very different from the sorrow you felt when you had pregnancy losses. You had to mourn a child who would never live on earth and had to let go of that child. A birth mother knows her child will be on the earth, will be living, breathing, learning, joyful, sad... all of that... but she knows that she will not be there for all of those things. All of the things you wanted to share with the child you carried and lost, she wants to share with her child but she knows it will not be her who is there for all of it. She is making a choice to look into her precious baby's face and see the innocence and the hope... and then do the most selfless thing on earth. She knows that love is not enough and she has hopes and dreams for her child and feels that those would best be met with another family. It is extremely painful. At the same time, when she chooses a new family for her child, she wants to see them being joyful... she wants to see them love her child, accept her child and appreciate her child. She is creating a family by entrusting you with her child, and she wants to see that she has made the right choice. If they don't see you being joyful with the child, they will wonder about whether they made the right choice. I'm not saying being over-jubilant. There is being happy, and then there's being over the top. You can express your great joy and love without being unsensitive to her feelings as well. Part of that can come from what you say to her. You can tell her, even now, that it's hard for you because you care so much about her and at the same time you are so excited about having a child to love!! She needs to see your joy, she needs to know you want this child... and being sensitive to her can be done within the realm of your joy, it doesn't have to be two separate issues. Your joy and her pain will forever be linked and there's nothing anybody can do about it. Face that and talk openly to her, ask her questions about how she is feeling and then share how you are feeling (if you have a relationship which is open to do so).

God Bless you and yours!

[cyndi1969]

We are on the other side. My step-daughter is going to place her daughter any day. She is due in June, but probably won't make it that far. While we know that the pain is coming, there is a joy in knowing that your baby will be with their new family. I agree that you need to show joy over the baby and know that even in their pain, the birthfamily will be joyful with you.

I don't know exactly how I will respond when my granddaughter goes home with her new family, but I know that however I feel at that moment, that it the right decision. And the right decision gives us peace - knowing the wonderful life this couple will give her.

What I have learned, going through this with my stepdaughter, is that whatever the reason for choosing adoption it is strong and compelling. And that the pain of placing the child is not as great as the pain keeping them would bring. Each situation is different, but I believe that the women who place their children do so because they want something for that child that they can't give. The knowledge that their child will grow up having all that they could ever need is a blessing to that birthmother.

Our adoptive parents have also expressed their unease with being so happy when we will be experiencig so much pain. I told them that we want them to be happy! We NEED them to be happy and that this is the best thing for everyone and that there should be NO guilt at being so happy!

Enjoy your new one when he/she arrives and know that with the pain, the joy of the right decision is there also.

Cyndi

[megsmom]

Everytime I watch an adoption show, or my daughter does somthing new I feel this.
Which is why I feel its so important to keep the adoption open as we promised from the start.
My daughter is now 4 and I know her birth mom still feels sad somtimes, and Im so thankful for the blessing that I have but never want to forget to stop and think about and thank Megan's birth mom.
Shannon
mommy2princess megan
praying for 2nd blessing

[emiliesfirstmom]

I think it says a lot about your character that you feel for your future child's birthmom. As a birthmother myself, I know how hard it is to place a child for adoption.

My advice is to give her plenty of space in the hospital, if you will be there at or after the birth. I know you'll be so excited about your baby, but give her time to say Hello, before she has to say goodbye. It's the only time that she'll be the baby's only mother, so let her enjoy, and let her feelings and actions determine yours. Try to focus on her, and not just on the baby.

And once you do take your baby home, don't forget about her. If you have an open or semi-open adoption planned, don't forget to call/email/write and send pics. Ask how she's doing and what's going on in her life. And most importantly, keep your promises to her! I told my daughter's aparents that as long as they kept their promises to me, they had no reason to feel guilty about being Emilie's parents.

Good luck!

[blessedmom]

As I read your post, it brought up a lot of feelings we had experienced at our daughter's birth. I think all the previous replies give excellent advice. At our daughter's birth, her birthmother ended up having complications and was hospitalized with serious problems for a week after delivery. It was difficult for us to be joyous when her birthmother was in such physical pain. (the emotional followed after the physical subsided). But our daughter's birthmother reassured us that seeing our daughter so loved help reaffirm her decision and helped her heal. Also as mentioned in a prior post, respect your child's birthmother's wishes and don't forget in all the excitement of a new baby to care for her as well.

I still have some of those feelings 14 months after our daughter's birth. I will never forget what our daughter's birthmother has done for us all and she will always be an important part of our family.

[Sleepydream]

My son is almost 2 and I still feel for his **. We spent mother's day together and I know it must have been hard for her. She says that we are as much as blessing to her as she has been to us, but I just can't see it that way. To me she will always be the one who made the sacrifice for MY happiness. I know, I know....it is about the CHILD and I'm NOT saying that I don't believe that adoption was the right choice for her and N under the circumstances. But I still feel a little guilty for being so happy. I have often wondered if I would have had the strength to go through with it had I been in her shoes. I love that boy like crazy!! He is the cutest, smartest, funniest kid ever born. All my family agrees and we are not biased at ALL!! We have recently started looking into adopting a second time and the feelings have resurfaced again with a vengeance since we have been presented to new pbmoms that are total strangers. At least we had the luxury of knowing T ahead of time. The thought of an open adoption is so scary to us with a stranger because it is like flipping a coin. We may end up with another wonderful situation like we have with T, but what if it doesnt work out that way a second time? How do we explain to our children why N gets to see his ** when the second child may only have letters? With all the drama with have been through on bdads end of this situation I feel we are not being unrealistic to worry about that. I guess it's like anything else. Anything really worth it requires a leap of faith.

Sleepy

[icunurse]

I'm not usually a crying type of person, but our son's adoption turned me into a babbling idiot at times. We adore our son's bmother. I honestly think that, under different circumstances, we could hang out and be buddies. So, while we were very excited and grateful for her gift to us, we were also very conscious of her emotions. I cried with her in the hospital as she handed over our son to my husband and I, but I was shocked when I came home and tucked in my son and couldn't stop crying. I think that it is a sign of how strong our relationship is as when I was grieving for her loss, she was finding strength by celebrating my gain (my new family). It's a good thing to be sensitive to the bparent's emotions at such a difficult time for them and it will be a strength for you in the adoption process and in your relationship with your child's bparents.
As far as how to handle things in the hospital and immediately after, we discussed a plan before the birth. We would call her in the hospital and verify that she wanted us there, making sure that she knew she could have as much time as she needed/wanted or have us not come at all....we'd understand. We also agreed to call the night we took him home to let her know we made it home safely and we called the next morning to let her know how his first night was. We agreed to leave a message, giving her a way to know how he was, but not have to talk to us if she wasn't up to it.
Trust me....it will be awkward no matter what, but everything will work itself out. Follow your heart and encourage her to follow hers. It will turn out to be a blessing for all of you. Good luck!

[allabouthorses]

taurusgal,
The fact that you feel this way tells me that you are one of the people who should be adopting! So many people don't realize, or care, that there is pain involved in adoption. So many just want the "prize" that they don't care how they get it.

Only you know your own situation. Are you certain that this is what this mother really, truly wants? If not, question her some more. Let her know that you will support her if she decides to keep her baby. You know the saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours." This is so true. My nparents kept me for 3 weeks before even talking to an agency. When they made their decision, it was with absolute certainty.

After the decision is made, and it's for sure, don't feel guilty. If you are truly doing this to provide a home for this baby, there is no shame in that. If this mother truly wants you to love and raise her child, she will want you to find joy in it.

I hope that everything works out the way it is meant to be. If this baby is not meant for you, I'm sure there is another one out there who is. You will make a wonderful parent.

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by allabouthorses
So many people don't realize, or care, that there is pain involved in adoption. So many just want the "prize" that they don't care how they get it.


.

I hate to say this, but I have to agree with you. I do feel there are many loving and caring Adoptive parents on this site, but I think these are the adoptive parents who really care and want the best for the triad situation.
Sadly, I feel there are others who want a baby and once they get one, let the Birthmother go.
JJ

[taurusgal29]

thanks for your words of kindness and support. it is so comforting to be able to dialogue with people who understand what we're going through.
this whole adoption process has been amazing. i feel fairly confident that bmom won't change her mind. i'm so thankful that we've been able to meet and talk on the phone. my husband and i will be able to share with our baby just how incredible of a woman that his or her bmom is. we are definitely trying to navigate through unchartered waters, and i think that in the end, we are all just trying to do right by this child. thanks for the advice on how to handle being in the hospital. at this point, she wants me to be in the delivery room with her. i can only imagine the myriad of emotions that are bound to be in that room. it's so hard for me to fathom that in one month from now, i may be a mom.

[stacyone]

Taurus, I echo everything else -- the fact that you can see the loss now means you're on your way to being a great adoptive parent!

Being in the delivery room was an amazing experience for me. After watching my daughter's bmom go through that, honestly, I had even MORE respect for her and MORE determination to act with integrity.

If I could change anything at all about my hospital experience, it would be two things. 1) Bmom had initially said she didn't want to be alone in the room with the baby. I honored that and made sure Molly got wheeled out whenever I was leaving, but I wish I'd asked her if she'd changed her mind. Maybe she wanted to be alone with her and didn't know how to ask. 2) I didn't hold Molly that much in the hospital. My arms ached to, but I was afraid it would be too hard for her bmom. I wish I'd just held her all the time -- now she's 2 and won't let me hold her at all!