[Ellie Mae]

I happened across this site using Google search engine. I read quite a few posts and felt the need to clarify an issue I feel deeply about. I know there are many women unable to have children. In addition, one thing I have noticed about people is there need to fill voids in themselves. I was a foster child growing up and dealt with the people who wanted kids but could not have them. So they go to foster care and find that adoptive children are not what they want because they are too old, have emotional problems, or maybe it was more than they could deal with, so they kick them to the curb to be bounced around from home to home. I have seen many women on here crying how they want a child and are willing to do any thing to have a child. It seems to me many women just want a brand new baby to make themselves feel right, instead of women who are just longing to be a mother to a child who is yearning to be loved for who he or she is. A MOTHER is a MOTHER!

I just see a lot of greed in the world. This is the same reason why young girls and women have babies because of there need for love. Now, I have been on both sides of the fence as the unwanted and the pregnant mother. I am not one for abortion and gave my little girl up for adoption 5 years ago. It was an open adoption. I receive pictures every year. They are good family, very well off and can provide more than I could for her at the time. They wanted a child to fill there live and were emotional ready and capable. All my point is to remember you can adopt foreign children as well as foster kids. Yes, you have to go through a program to make sure you are capable but it is well worth it in the end. If you can attain the trust of hurt child who feels no one wants them and love them like they were your own, you will understand that you can love a seven year old the same as if it was a tiny baby who came from you.

P.S. I just wanted to say bravo to the women on here who are in foster care or adopted over seas.

[goin'batty]

I am not real sure I understand your post. A newborn infant is just as deserving of a family as an older child in foster care. They are just spared the pain of being without a family for an extended time. People adopting from foster care or through a foreign country can also have their own agendas! Making general stereotypes about those who adopt in a particular program is not helpful to anyone.

[amom4life]

To add to what Goin'Batty said NOT everyone is capable of taking on the challanges of an older child and I say BRAVO to them for knowing their limitations and not getting into something that they can't deal with and will only further hurt the child.

We adopted our son as an infant right from the hospital. If we or another family weren't there wanting to adopt him he would have gone into the foster care system and possibly became an older "waiting" child .

Think before you judge...
Judy

[MyGrlnme]

" Think before you adopt"..... I did that... I thought.. and thought and thought... for 2 years prior to starting the adoption process.. which took 3 more years... a lot of time to think! As all aparents do !
I cannot imagine any adoptive parent/prospective adoptive parent who did not think before starting the process !
I adopted a newborn child because that is what was right for me. Others adopt sibling groups, because that is right for them. Some adopt older children, again, because that is right for them. Hats off to folks who adopt a child with special needs, because that is right for them. I do believe people think before starting the process, during the process and continue to think while parenting any child.
You stated- " So they go to foster care and find that adoptive children are not what they want because they are too old, have emotional problems, or maybe it was more than they could deal with, so they kick them to the curb to be bounced around from home to home."
It is unfair to stereotype adoptive/foster parents. Maybe this happened in your situation, and I am sorry if it did. However, it doesn't mean all situations are as yours was. Maybe it would have been better to post about your particular situation and people could try to support you vs. making a general statement. Just my opinion

[HappyMomAnna]

uuuuummmmm.......Spend a little more time actually reading some of the posts from those of us who have adopted older, special needs children from Foster Care.....I think you will find many of us did so because being a mother was what we wanted to do---many of us have already given birth.....there are many who do think long and hard before they love a child who can walk and talk and most of us do so because we want to love the child.

There are many ways to adopt and there are families who are not able--ready--or willing to adopt older children....for them there are different ways to adopt.

[MamaJem]

From my experience, its just as much a disservice for those who are not equipped to parent and older child to try and do so. I have seen them turn there desires to start from scratch and try to force their adoptive children into forgetting that their life started before they arrived. They want to cut all ties from their past. For those folks, I would suggest adopting a newborn or infant.

I guess my point is this, not everyone is equipped to adopt an older child. Even in the foster care system there is a huge demand for the infants and those that have less to overcome.

Adoption is a calling. Whether it be infant adoption that comes with its own set of struggles or foster child adoption. You have to know your limitations or your no benefit to anyone.

Our adoption is on hold right now because even though there are hundreds of kids waiting in foster care, there are hundreds of folks waiting to adopt them. Getting matched takes patience and a strength that we have ran out of for the time. We are considered an "A-List" family, but so are all of the families that went to committee for the same children that we have gone for.

Please don't look at ANY adoption as being easy or free of heartache. Its a process that will hopefully make us stronger, but won't afford anyone an easy answer.

[kburch]

Whoa, down Bessie! (Or down with the defensiveness, anyway...) Let's try to go a little easier on Ellie Mae, O.K.?? Please?!

I didn't seem to me, anyway, that she came here to stir up adoptive parents, just to point out that she doesn't want any other foster kids to get hurt because people don't want them, like she apparently did. Based on the fact that she placed her baby for adoption, I highly doubt that she is against infant adoptions... After all, she did say

Originally posted by Ellie Mae
They are good family, very well off and can provide more than I could for her at the time. They wanted a child to fill there live and were emotional ready and capable.

Rather than jumping up to say that we're right and she's wrong, let's try to meet her where she is and listen to what she has to say before getting all defensive...

Originally posted by Ellie Mae All my point is to remember you can adopt foreign children as well as foster kids.

Personally, I think it's a good message for people to hear... whether they choose to adopt foreign or foster kids or not...

[St.Ives]

I have seen them turn there desires to start from scratch and try to force their adoptive children into forgetting that their life started before they arrived. They want to cut all ties from their past. For those folks, I would suggest adopting a newborn or infant.

it is no more posible realy to do this with an infant then with an older child, and poeple who seek to do this are only fooling themselves, seting themselves up for disapointment and their child up for a lifetime of hardship. for someone with the atitude described above, i would sugest having a biological child rather than adopting at all.
i do agree with the posters who said that to adopt an older special needs child if you are not equipt to care for one is to do a diservice to that child.

[Colorbind love]

Please, do not think that anyone should adopt older children simply as a means to be a mother. Adopting an older child is a great deal of work. The only way it will work is if both parents feel completely capable of rising to the challenge.

Despite being the adoptive mother to an older (and international) child, I am leary of any blanket statements saying that everyone should adopt older children. Or perhaps I am leary because I am such a parent.

It is much easier to adopt an infant or toddler, and I don't mean because they can forget their past. There are less issues and they are easier to deal with when dealing with an infant or toddler. Older children come with more issues, more pain, more fear, more of everything. And, they require more of their families, especially their parents.

Yes, older and international children need families. But, they need good families, not just a bed out of an institution or foster home. No one should ever feel wrong by saying they can't handle it. Sure, I think everyone should research the issues and know fully in what they are choosing to not parent. But, they still need to decide what they can handle. To do otherwise will only hurt a child further, given them more pain to deal with and make it harder for them to adjust to a forever family again.

[PinkRibbon]

I'm a bit insulted by the title of your post. Do you think that there are lots of people who don't think about all their options before they adopt?

[septchld]

Good posts from Kburch, ST.Ives and Colorbind love. I agree with what each of you have said here.

[Missy M]

Ellie Mae...I noticed that this was your first post in this forum. You say that you have read "quite a few posts" and felt the need to clarify an issue but you did not offer the issue you are pointing to.
If you are referring to a certain thread please point it out, otherwise you will simply enrage and inflame. MissyM

[AMom2Two]

EllieMae...

Would you prefer for newborn infants such as your child to go into foster care before adoption? Would not having infant adoptions make you feel better? Would it have made it easier for your child or harder to not have had an infant adoption? Would you have wanted her to go from home to home like you might have?

There are children of every age that need homes. Before you get angry at those of us who desire infant adoptions, maybe you should get angry at all the other folks who think adoption is wrong and wouldn't dream of adopting any child or as some have said, someone else's child. Every child deserves a home.

Adoption is a calling as another poster wrote. Unless you have heard the call, you really shouldn't judge those of us who have.

Hugs,

[paperchasingmom]

Originally posted by Ellie Mae
I happened across this site using Google search engine. I read quite a few posts and felt the need to clarify an issue I feel deeply about. I know there are many women unable to have children. In addition, one thing I have noticed about people is there need to fill voids in themselves. I was a foster child growing up and dealt with the people who wanted kids but could not have them. So they go to foster care and find that adoptive children are not what they want because they are too old, have emotional problems, or maybe it was more than they could deal with, so they kick them to the curb to be bounced around from home to home. I have seen many women on here crying how they want a child and are willing to do any thing to have a child. It seems to me many women just want a brand new baby to make themselves feel right, instead of women who are just longing to be a mother to a child who is yearning to be loved for who he or she is. A MOTHER is a MOTHER!

I just see a lot of greed in the world. This is the same reason why young girls and women have babies because of there need for love. Now, I have been on both sides of the fence as the unwanted and the pregnant mother. I am not one for abortion and gave my little girl up for adoption 5 years ago. It was an open adoption. I receive pictures every year. They are good family, very well off and can provide more than I could for her at the time. They wanted a child to fill there live and were emotional ready and capable. All my point is to remember you can adopt foreign children as well as foster kids. Yes, you have to go through a program to make sure you are capable but it is well worth it in the end. If you can attain the trust of hurt child who feels no one wants them and love them like they were your own, you will understand that you can love a seven year old the same as if it was a tiny baby who came from you.

P.S. I just wanted to say bravo to the women on here who are in foster care or adopted over seas.

Ellie Mae,

Let me first say that I know why you're saying the things you're saying.....you're hurting and still feel the pain of your own childhood which probably included many, many hurtful issues along with feeling like you couldn't trust anyone due to what happened to you as a child.

I first saw what you said about feeling the need to clarify an issue you feel deeply about.....to me it seems you felt that people before us didn't understand you and yet, when speaking to us the first time, you wanted to "clarify" this....usually clarifying something is restating or explaining what's already been stated....and again, as I said, you've shared this before with other people, but just not with us, until today....

It is understandable that you have many hurts and feelings regarding your past and what was done to you and I'm sure all of us feel for you, it's just hard to show our emotions when we feel we're being personally attacked and prosecuted for things we've never done, to you or anyone else....

For you, the system let you down, your birthfamily obviously let you down since you were placed in foster care causing you to feel "unwanted" as you stated....that is a horrible way to have to grow up and it saddens me to think that you are still walking around with these hurts that are stopping you from enjoying the life God wants you to have......

It's okay that you feel this way--it's not your fault what happened to you....your reaction to your past is normal, but, what is imperative is for you to find peace and happiness and find ways to overcome the anger that has continued to carry you through life....

There are many statements you've made that show me exactly how you feel and the rest of what you're saying, generally speaking about us on this forum, is not the real issue....the real issue is your past and now you have an opportunity, once and for all, to look it straight in it's face, know it and learn about it as it is, and learn ways to overcome the hurt and pain and sadness it's caused you or else you will continue to spew forth anger towards undeserving people for the rest of your life....

I would implore you to please get counseling, the proper guidance to help you understand what is happening to you now in your life because of what's happened in your past....don't let your past angers and hurt dominate the rest of your future....there's a beautiful world out there, but you have to look for it....there's a saying that says, whatever you're looking for, you'll find....if you look for bitterness, hatred, anger, greed in people and in your future, that's what you'll find--and if you look for love and joy and peace and completeness and contentment, that's what you'll find....it's up to you to take this step and reach out to get the positive love you should have gotten all through your childhood....

There are some great books you can buy if you'd like to just read first and then go speak with someone...but, I can tell you, anyone would benefit from talking with a counselor, anyone....we all have hurts and things that we feel we need to "clarify"....I hope you do take the steps to find someone professionally who can guide you through this delicate process....they can show you how your past failed you and how you find it hard to trust again, but, they can help you to learn how to believe in people again and more importantly, believe in yourself....believe in yourself enough to want a beautiful future full of emotional freedom instead of being locked up and controlled by your unresolved hurts and anger....

I know you're a wise, good person--you unselfishly placed your daughter in a situation where you knew she would be taken care of....and that's a beautiful thing to do....but now it's time to take care of you....okay?

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Melody

[Ellie Mae]

Hi,

Thank you, all for taking the time to reply. Maybe my post came across as accusing or rude. I'm not sure but quite a few have read it out of context. I tried to give a little background on myself to let others know my experience so that they would understand I wasn't just some fool trying to stir some people up. Instead of understanding my post they thought I was bashing adopting a infant. I gave mine up for adoption. Why would they think that? All I meant was that there is also other ways to be a mother and that not only infants need mothers. I even had one lady say that if people didn't adopt babys that no one would want them. That's very unlikely. Just to let you know I'm quite happy and sain. I am self-employed and do quite well for myself. I have used my past for the positive. I don't believe bad events make bad people. It takes drive to overcome and LOTS of HEALING. I do hope this will clarify the confusion!

I wish to all of you who are seeking adoption, the best wishes.