[kika]

my daughter is 14 and recently she has started hanging out with different kids, she has stopped her piano practice she goes out and does not come in when she is suppose to or on the weekend she goes out and does not come back till she feels like it i never know where she is its been suggested i file a pins.

[lgoynes]

Hello Kikka,

Just wanted t0 say hello and ask a few questions. Are you able to take her to and from piano lessons? Is there someone that could stary with her while you work? I have to keeep a tight rein on my 13 year old daughter. She has chosen friends that have difficulties like herself meaning some are okay and some not. My girl has lost lot of her priviages until she can prove trustworthy. No phone, no computer due to inappropriate use, not being left alone. i have the same schedule as my children so it is not that difficult.

She will dislike you of course. My daughter thinks she is grown at 13 and really resents being treated like a child. I have had to withstand quite a few storms from her and she has even spend two weeks in an adolescent unit. She is finally understaning that I am not going to back down in my expectations of appropriate and acceptable behavior.

Hang in there,
Lesley

[riley6]

I have three teens right now. What a weird, frustrating species they are! They THINK they're fully cooked one minute and then act like whiny little babies the next. Argggg, 4 down, two to go!

Anyway, we had a CHINS on our oldest child when he was around 14 for exactly the reasons you gave. It was the best thing we ever did for him. He b****ed and groaned while he had it (for a year), but now at 21 he tells me that it really saved his life!

You have to do what you have to do. It was so hard for us to go before the courts and admit that we needed help, but we had tried EVERYTHING and nothing worked. I saw him spiraling down hill and knew where he would end up if he wasn't stopped. All his friends had been in Juvenile Detention and jail and I didn't want his life ruined. It was easier for him to report to the court officer than to obey his parent (you know how stupid parents are!). He was forced to give a urine sample every two weeks. It almost gave him a reason to tell his friends that he couldn't take drugs. He had a curfew that was MUCH stricter than ours (had to be in by *8* p.m.)

I don't know if you have other kids, but it also helped our younger kids to see that we were serious with our rules and expectations. We had boundaries on behaviors and would NOT compromise them. NO drugs, NO drinking, come in at night, and do well in school. He graduated from High School with honors and is doing VERY well now. He talks to his younger brothers and sisters about following our rules bc we love them. He's a great kid and I miss him so much (he lives 3000 miles away, but calls every other day!).

Good luck. Stand strong out of love for your daughter!

[bbear]

Originally posted by riley6

I don't know if you have other kids, but it also helped our younger kids to see that we were serious with our rules and expectations. We had boundaries on behaviors and would NOT compromise them.

I share this sentiment. I have a 13-year-old that knows everything, refuses to listen or gain anything from me or his mother's life experiences, etc., etc. Typical teenage issues, I believe. The thing I have found most effective is setting very clear boundaries and expectations for behavior, and very clear consequences for crossing those boundaries or not meeting those expectations. I'm not flexible about it, and I make no apologies to him for it. That stance seems to have done more good, in our circumstance, than anything else we've tried.

I have also heard a therapist (forgive me, I can't recall which one) suggest that the boundaries and expectations be committed to writing, signed by the child, and placed on the refrigerator door so there's room for misinterpretation or confusion.

[riley6]

We have a couple of contracts on the fridge right now. One is with one child for driving privaleges, the other for another child about camp out privaleges and doing homework.

If you use the contract idea, put in what the privilege will be and what the consequences will be for the behaviors that you're working on. I learned that this works better than just the consequences. They have to know that there's a pay back for the behavior. For example, our driving contract says that he will be allowed to drive if he follows the rules of the road, lets us know where he is going, and if he has the car home by ....time.... If any of these behaviors are broken, the car privilege will be restricted for one week/first offense, two weeks/second offense, one month/third offense. Both of my driving children have only lost it for one week. They knew I meant business when they weren't where they said they would be one night. There was an emergency and when I called the friend's home, my oldest son wasn't there.

"Bummer" was all I had to say.

unknown to you all, you just gave me the encouragement to soldier on with my 14 year old daughter. She has devoped an "atittude" problem..namely her tone of voice in talking to me, you know, I can and do understand some of the teen issues....ya...they all think they are grown by 13 or14, I am able to talk, sympathize, and help create solutions. But I can't and won't put up with disrespect. I am guiltly of letting ,y older 2 get away with some back talk, they did not give me any other trouble, if they screwed up they took the punishment, usually without a problem,and their screwups were fairly mild in todays world. Now, I realize my mistake.....the younger ones take it to the limit...mainly my daughter at this point. So now the boundries will have to be tightened and follow through is sooo important.
She is off the computer for a week because of her tome and snappy retort to me.....she continued to argue and I threatned to ground her for next week- end....she finally stopped. Although did get in that "my friends think you go overboard" Oh well.

I think another thing that is difficult to do is not react to thier behavior....i.e. not pull her pony tail out of her head...just kidding.

Is this normal behavior for a teen? When do you call the therapist? The thought of taking out a chins makes my blood run cold....and I do understand that it is needed....when do you get to that point.

I had a friend use the tough love technique on her daughter...it worked...but I have also heard that that technique can blow up in your face.....I had one mother say to me that she did use it and her daughter was independent enough to go....parents did't find her until a few months later and she was prostituting AHHHH!
She believes its the worst thing they could have done!!!

Like I said I was spoiled with my first two.....

[bbear]

Originally posted by dpen6
But I can't and won't put up with disrespect.

In my opinion, this is the central issue. It's absolutely impossible to make another person respect you, but you can absolutely demand that she treat you in a respectful manner at all times. Being disrespectful to us as parents, to a teacher, or even to your other siblings is one of the most serious offenses you can commit in our home, and it will get you into trouble quicker than just about anything else you can do. For example, I don't get on my children about being angry with me but I demand that they express their feelings in a respectful manner. They can be mad at their siblings, but they aren't allowed to ever, under any circumstances, say, "I hate you."

Personally, I think you would be better served doing everything within your power to handle this yourself for a couple of reasons. First, if you hand the problem over your daughter might perceive that as a victory of sorts (meaning she might perceive a higher level of control over her own life since you are unable to control her). Second, I have seen it backfire before first hand. I had a very good friend who had a son that was on the edge of out of control. He wasn't quite there yet, but he was close. The father figured he'd scare the boy straight and called the cops on him one night for staying out past his curfew. The cops wrote the boy a ticket, the parents went with the boy to court, and before they knew what hit them their kid was in junenille hall. That was more than what the parents had bargained for, but I guess the judge thought scaring the kid straight was a good idea too. Well this young man ended up more screwed up by his experience in the juvenile system than he ever was before.

Just my 2 cents on the matter, for whatever it's worth.

[1112]

OK, I have two daughters that are in their 20's and recently adopted 3 young siblings. Their ages are 5,7, and 8. I had trouble with my older kids but never heard of CHINS. Can you educate me on this, I think I will need reinforcements for these siblings. They are COMPLETELY different.

[mj77]

Oh boy, I remember 14 well. You probably have a normal teenager. I would too set her down with the rules and boundries. My parents didn't make me very accountable to them so I knew I could get away with things. Though I wouldn't admit it at the time, being given freedom within boundries would have made me feel safe and more loved. I know it is difficult for parents sometimes esspecially if you work, but it is good to spend as much time with them as possible. Talk with them often and listen, listen, listen. If you don't, their friends are more than willing to. How important is piano to her? Is there something she enjoys that you can get her involved in? The more time she has being involved in something safe that she enjoys the less time she will be roaming around doing lord only knows what. Keeping good communication with her will also help keep her accountable. I know this can be difficult. Teenagers want someone who will listen to them and empathize with them. You too were 14. The teen years can be more difficult than we remember. Don't sweat the small stuff, give her freedom within boundries (even if this mean a reasonable compramise), and keep communication open.

Melissa

[riley6]

>>>>>Is this normal behavior for a teen? When do you call the therapist? The thought of taking out a chins makes my blood run cold....and I do understand that it is needed....when do you get to that point.>>>>>>>>

We got to that point when my son would no longer abide by our rules, was running away (for a day), not abiding by our no drug/alcohol rule, was failing his classes due to truancy, and NOTHING that we tried would work. Our choices were to keep enforcing the rules or give up. How do you keep a 6 foot tall, 230 pound "child" home? How do you keep him IN school? We had taken everything away from him and gave him ways to earn his stuff back. He didn't care. His friends were all that mattered to him.

We were scared of him going to juvenile detention, but we were more afraid of him dying of a drug overdose. We had been called twice by friends who said he was passed out and told us where he was. Nice friends, huh? We had no recourse. We saved his life and now that he's straightened out, he's told us so. We did the right thing.

[BeckyParadis]

hey kika. Im 21 now, but at the age of 17/18 or somthing like that I changed for the worse to and my mom was going crazy too. All she could do was talk to me and tell me how much I had changed and how much she loved me. It didnt change me right away but I knew that she was right. I just wanted to keep on doing was I was doing (in a way) I wasnt doing drugs, I was just hanging out with someone who steered me in the wrong direction. I finally grew up and changed though with the help of my moms words and LOTS of LOVE!
At the time also, I was in a horrible relationship with a guy and dumped him. Found someone that was and still is wonderful to me, my husband, Rich. If it wasnt for my moms love, I couldnt have done it kika. Things will change. It may take a little time, but she will come to her senses.
Take care and I will be praying for you and your daughter.
Becky