[ladyzee]

It’s me again Zee
Like a few of you stated before this young lady did not tell us about herself, which in my eyes it’s ok because “Adoption Forum” is a place where we can come and express how we feel. Not to say that what we feel is right or wrong.

Adoption is a process that takes a long time and like I stated before adoption is not for everyone. So far we all know that, we also know that raising children whether adopted or biological it will cost you money.

I don’t think (smilestunner) was trying to offend anyone I think she was expressing how she feels about adoption. Maybe she is not sure how the process works or how long it takes.
I think everyone should be allowed to express how they feel regardless if we agree with them or not. I don’t agree with everything that she stated but I think some of “you” are being hard on her for what she stated. Not to say that she was right or wrong.

Not trying to offend anyone just expressing how I feel.


Give thanks to the Lord for he is good.
His love endures forever. Psalm 136:1

[lisalou]

I'm new on this site too, and I didn't introduce myself or explain my situation. I don't know why, are we supposed to?
Anyway, I completely agree with you. I know you didn't mean that no one should have biological children. I feel that there are few people that actually want to adopt if they can have bio children. So, if you are open to it, why bring more into the world when there are so many out there that just need someone to give them a chance? I feel that the world is overpopulated and if anyone disagrees with that I can give some exact numbers of people around the world and have fast they are multiplying. And no matter what age you adopt, someone has to do it so it does help. I've always wanted to adopt a child and luckily enough my husband agreed.
Now that we are beginning the process I have been overwhelmed with peoples responses to it. "Why would any one want to adopt if you can have them on your own?" and "They will grow up just like their bio parents who neglected or abandoned them" And then they go on with the grape vine stories of their "boss's cousin's friend's nephew" that adopted and the child got on drugs or something. (you know those kind of stories where they don't know any names of these people in this so called true story) Anyway, I always thought that adopting would be seen as a good thing, not that I want to do it to be a hero or anything. But I was very surprised at the reactions to it. I have just decided that they are not the ones that have to accept it and love it, there are always going to be people that disagree with whatever you do.
Some people seemed to have a problem with calling a bio child your own child, well people shouldn't take that personally, I knew what you were talking about.
PM me!

[amom4life]

Lady Zee & lisalou,

We are trying to help the orginal poster and I think you should go back and read her post again as you seemed to have missed some things.

I'm sure she isn't trying to be offensive, but she is just that when she tells people who don't want to adopt and only want bio children that they are selfish. She shouldn't project her feelings and desires onto them. It's just not right.

Also when you gals actually become adoptive parents you will understand why the statement " Your own children" is offensive. It's saying that bio children are "our Own" but adopted children are "not our own". It's not only an offensive statement but also a false one.

I agree with the other poster who said adoption isn't easy and I hope the original poster does a lot more research before diving into it. Especially if she is planning on adopting through the state. She better know just what she may be in for.
Judy

[JadedSaint]

I want to applaud you for your well-worded post amom4life. The debate of having bio vs. adopted children will never go away. Some people, like myself want the best of both worlds. And I think by this point it does not matter, as each of us have expressed their opinions. However, mutual respect is something that is 100% necessary on a public forum. I was not blasting the original poster, but trying to educate her by pointing out how some of her statements were uncalled for. Ironically, she has yet to return to this thread. I certainly wish she would so she can learn from her mistake!

To lisalou, I'm so sorry you have to deal with negative comments about your desire to adopt. In time, I hope those people realize that their comments are not only hurtful, but unacceptable. It is your decision in how you wish to build a family. I'm hoping that you get the support you deserve during this emotional roller coaster! Good luck to you

[kburch]

Originally posted by smilestunner
I am just really frustrated.
It just really makes me angry that I cannot find one person out there who agrees with me......

I find it amusing that while we are picking out "offensive" parts of the middle of smilestunner's post, we miss the beginning and the end. While I don't know her situation any more than you do, from her post, it seems obvious that she is "frustrated," "angry," and probably a bit confused. After all, those of us who (as far as we know) are able to conceive yet choose to adopt instead have to deal with some pretty weird comments from people. I mean, if I was infertile, apparently it would be O.K. to "settle" for an adopted child with all of these problems, or so other people seem to think... But since I haven't even tried to conceive, I must be nuts!

While I can understand that some of her words may have come across as offensive, it bothers me that so many of the replies have been about the offense, and not the topic of the post. Perhaps it would be more helpful to point out to smilestunner (as many of you have done - thanks!) that there are people here -- including parents with bio children! -- who will not say stupid comments to her like others who don't know about adoption may say. That we too hurt about the number of children without families, and we are doing what we can to help them one at a time. Then, and only then, I think it would be good to point out that some of what she said comes across as harsh toward parents with bio children.

**Having re-read this thread just after posting my reply, I think I, too, came across as harsh, so here comes the post script... I noticed that I latched on to just a few replies about the "offensive" post, and I forgot how many people really did reply in a way that was kind, supportive, and understanding, even with a few constructive criticisms. So, thank you all (or most of you, anyway...), and I'm sorry for overreacting. I guess I am just not easily offended, and I hate to see posters swamped by people who are -- which fortunately was not what really happened in this case. Sorry again.

[JadedSaint]

Originally posted by StevieM
Wouldn't the "education" of PC posting be better accomplished if it wasn't done like stuffing a shotgun in the posters mouth? It seems that both Riley and Judy were able to get the point across without ripping her to shreds. Keep in mind that you were also new to the adoption world at one time.

Where Smilestunner's post was abrasive to you, your post is equally abrasive to me. I don't see where you get off throwing your holier than thou attitude at someone who is just beginning the journey. Give her a break. Not everyone is as educated as you. Stevie

StevieM, please quote me where I was "stuffing a shotgun in the poster's mouth"? I stated my point; some agreed with me, others did not. You don't know me at all, and if you feel I have a "holier than thou" attitude, please go back and read every one of my posts and pick them apart, analyze them, and let me know. I don't do that; it's not my style. I still consider myself new to the world of adoption, but prior to posting, I lurked, learned, and read. And yes, I had made crass comments the first time I posted on a different forum. Because I was not yet educated in the world of adoption, I learned from my mistakes. But in my dreams I would never tell a public forum that someone is selfish if they desire pregnancy and to have their own bio children. That is what I felt to be an offensive comment. If someone calls me selfish, why should I kick back and let the remark slide? I have stated already that I truly hope the original poster returns so she can be part of this wonderufl forum!

[StevieM]

Quite frankly, after the reception she got to her first post, I would be surprised if she ever came back.

Does the fact that someone was reaching out for a little support and understanding fade beneath her not being PC in a new area? For goodness sakes ~ where is the compassion???

Stevie

[smilestunner]

I just want to let you all know, that I was not expecting to find people who would understand where I am coming from or even my point of view. If there were, I would not have even posted this at all. I do appreciate the feed back but I noticed you all replied to tell me how wrong I am to have my own opinion, when my intent for the post was actually just to find others who are as frustrated as me. I have found a few and I guess you could say, what we hold is an extreme view. However, just because many do not agree with it, does not mean that I am wrong for stating things the way I see them. That is how I see things and that is why I choose to adopt over having my own (by that I mean biological) children. While you see me as being out of line, I see it from the opposite spectrum. Just because there are far less people that agree with me than that agree with you does not mean that our view is not valid. If it offends you, all I can say is maybe you do not think this veiw is valid...but I am entitled to my opinion. Also, I know the adoption process is long and tidious. I am not stupid, I just did not include this information in my first post. My plan, not that any of you care to hear it, is that I am going to adopt as many children as my life and the state and my money supply allow. I wish to dedicate my life to children to an extreme degree in the workplace and at home. These children will be of high needs, some in siblings sets, and no preference on their age or race. That is how I feel and I expected that many would not. Thank you for your opinion, I respect it, but cannot agree with it as I currently and probably will always feel on the issue. I should hope that even though my veiw is different, you are able to see where I am coming from and not to take it to heart for it is only my opinion. And this is a free country!

[dl]

originally posted by JadedSaint
So who are you to tell me that I am being selfish? I have a desire to be a parent, bottom line. Whether it comes from adoption, or from a child my husband and I create together, your post comes off rude and out of line. If you seek adoption in order to build a family, that is wonderful! It fits your lifestyle. But don't you dare knock on anyone who decides to bring a child into this world biologically. Quite frankly, it is none of YOUR business!

This is what you call "educating? After posting the above, I find your subsequent post: "However, mutual respect is something that is 100% necessary on a public forum. I was not blasting the original poster, but trying to educate her by pointing out how some of her statements were uncalled for" a complete contradiction. Smilestunner made a general statement of her feelings "I see it as being selfish to only want your own children." and you took it completely personal. Did I perhaps miss the post where she said "Jaded Saint, YOU are selfish"? Your response reads like a "blast" to me!

Then you add "Ironically, she has yet to return to this thread. I certainly wish she would so she can learn from her mistake!" Look at the reception she received. Why would she return? Who decides her feelings are a mistake? Perhaps she learned that some people will not tolerate an opinion that is different than their own, and that is why she has not returned. BTW, your response to StevieM further conveyed a "holier than thou attitude."

smilestunner: I actually agree with much of your original post. I look around at the world conditions and I don't understand wanting to bring another life into this mess. A friend of mine feels that some are so impressed with themselves that they want to create a child in their own image.

I'm always amazed when I read that it's only older children in the system. Weren't they once reasonably healthy newborns/infants to? As I read some of the posts here, I'm glad my parents did not feel I was unadoptable due to the fact that I was 13 months old when they met me.

Hope a child that needs a loving home finds their way to yours. You are not as alone in the way you feel as some may want you to believe.

[St.Ives]

smilestunner wow, i was just posting some of the same things when you posted agian. i am glad you were not run off after all.
as you say youre opinion is extreme and most people do not agree with it. but i respect the fact that youre willing to walk the walk not just talk the talk. if your veiws lead you to adopt a bunch of older and special need children, then i guess you have a right to think what you want about people who arent willing or able to do that. my only problem with your post-- although i did not think it was worth hijacking youre thread in order to fuss at you about it-- is the 'your own children' part. adopted children are youre own. once you adopt some youreself then you will know this and you will probably get mad to when people say that only biological children are 'youre own'.
good luck and i hope youre plan works out. that would be a realy good thing.

[smilestunner]

I just wanted to clarify that I do think adopting a child makes them just as much yours as if you yourself had given birth to them. If I did not feel this way, I doubt I would feel quite so strongly about adoption. I am sorry it was unclear before. If people adopt childre and bring them into their home, of course they are going to love them and treat them as they would their biological children. A child, is a child, is a child. Thank you!

[amom4life]

Smilestunner,
I'm glad you came back
Judy

[JadedSaint]

Smilestunner, I am glad you have returned to this forum. Obviosuly we differ in views and opinions, but what we share is our desire to adopt and become a parent. Welcome! One book I just finished reading is "Adopting the Hurt Child" by Dr. Gregory Keck. It's an amazing book that talks about kids being adopted through the foster care system. Definately worth it and if you read parts of it to those who don't feel as supportive of your decision to adopt, this book might help see the positive benefits of adoption. Good luck!

[AMom2Two]

Wow, what a thread! My only thoughts as I was reading thru everyone's replies is that there is no right and wrong way to start a family. I think the Smilesturner was just talking out of frustration. Wanting to give birth is not wrong, heck we are made for that, are we not? Adopting a child isn't wrong, it's what many of us feel is our calling in life.

What I try to get across to friends and others is that adoption is just another way to start a family. Families are created in many ways, just like your's will be a mom and a child. That is still a family. All of our families are different. That doesn't make any of them wrong.

The children that come to you thru adoption are your own. You will understand that the first time you hold one. When people say I want a child of my own, tell them, so do I. When they stumble and say no, I mean biologically. Then say, that doesn't matter to me. You're just choosing different paths to build a family. Don't make your friends choice's wrong. It's not for you to say or judge.

Not many of my friends understand our desire to build our family thru adoption. We further confused them by doing open adoption. Talk about something that very few people know about, much less will agree with you on. You're going to find that by starting your family thru adoption, is just as wonderful as giving birth. More so, if you ask me .

Don't try to get others to agree with you. I've tried that early on and it didn't work. I even lost a friend. Let them have their views and continue to try to educate them. Don't find fault in their desire to give birth. It's a natural desire. Good luck to you. I hope you have a short wait.

Hugs to you! Bye

[rec41048]

I think I'd like to adopt a newborn or a child under 14 years of age.I've been considering adoption for a long time now,I just don't know where to begin.