[shirleyh]

When we adopt an older child, we were thinking about changing their first name. We were told in our training classes that a lot of achildren like to have their names changed to mark a new beginning.
I'd like to know what you all think about this, and your experience. I guess even though I would like to change their name, I'm still feel like I'm taking their identity away and they may regret it later.

[Support2Adopt]

I don't know what age you mean by an older child, as that can make a difference, but if the child really wants a name change, then I think you should honor their wish. A new name could be something you help pick out together.
JJ

[nrj]

I am in the process of adopting a 15 year old Hispanic girl. i Ithought I would discuss it with her and leave it up to her. She has 6 months to think about it before finilization.

[Colorbind love]

I would wait until you get the child home and discuss it with them. Most older children do NOT want their first named change, and since it is their identity and name, its only fair that they have a say in what happens. Because all children approach the issue differently, I think its impossible to make a final decision until you can actually sit down with your child and discuss it (one of the advantages of older child adoption is that most anything can be discussed with the child from the get-go).

We did not plan on changing our son's first name. We gave him a middle name and he assumed our last name. We talked to him extensively about what we were doing and why.

About 2 months after he came home, our son demanded that he be allowed to choose a new first name for himself. We were very cautious as we were greatly concerned that he would later regret such a decision. But, the more we talked to him the more it came to light that his main issue was that his little brother had part of his father's name within his own. So, ultimately we reached a compromise. Rather than changing his first name, we consented to let him choose one of his father's names as a second middle name.

[ll_bay]

Depends on the age of "older," as another poster said. Our kids were 3 and 6 when we adopted them, so we kept their first names and gave them American middle names. They have the choice of which one to use and when. For a long time they didn't want the new names, but now seem to want them more, especially the eldest (she wants it most, but the youngest accepted it first and more easily...)

[aconwayrudd]

My husband and I are looking into adopting a toddler from Russia and have been discussing the name issue... I'm not sure what to think about it all. It's horribly selfish for us to change a person's name but at the same time we feel like we're losing out on a big parental moment. I'm shallow, but at least I'm being honest about it. Heck, maybe we'll love the name the child has.

[Colorbind love]

I think you can reach a compromise. I gave my son a middle name, thus allowing me to play a part in naming him.

I understand waiting to get that part of parenting and naming a child. But, a child who knows and has responded to a name for many years deserves to choose whether they want to keep that name or not. And really, when you adopt an older child, the name tends to feel less significant compared to the other things you missed (or weren't there to protect them from).

[Darci]

We changed our daughter's name (first, middle and last). She came to us when she was 3 1/2. She had no problem with it. As far as the identity thing goes, she was a drug addicted baby, neclected and abused for 3 1/2 years. Was that really the identity I wanted her to keep? I think of it as...I've given her a new identity of a little girl that is loved and wanted and cared for (and, yes, a little spoiled). We also changed our sons full name, but he came to us at 5 1/2 months -- he didn't even recognize his birth name at that point.

We are now in the process of finding a sib group of up to 4 kids between the ages of 5 & 12 to adopt. I plan on changing all of their names too. If they want, I will keep their first name as a second middle name so it is there if they want to use it when they are grown. But, as a parent, I feel it is my right to name my kids whatever I want. Besides, some kids have REALLY horrible names and most names do not go well with our last name.

[aconwayrudd]

Last names are important too... I wouldn't want to adopt a child named Carrie with the last name Berry or something like that. I guess it is just a small thing, all things considered, but I need to warm up to the idea.

[crick]

Darci -

I disagree. Just because I'm a parent, I don't feel I have the right to change my kids' names, especially if they have already identified with that name. You stated an age group between the ages of 5-12 and by then, they certainly identify with their names. What if the 12 year old doesn't want his name changed? If he insists on keeping his first name and requests to be called by his rightful name, are you suggesting that you will refuse to do so? With everything else taken away from him, you'll take his name too?

Crick

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally posted by Colorbind love
I would wait until you get the child home and discuss it with them. Most older children do NOT want their first named change, and since it is their identity and name, its only fair that they have a say in what happens. Because all children approach the issue differently, I think its impossible to make a final decision until you can actually sit down with your child and discuss it (one of the advantages of older child adoption is that most anything can be discussed with the child from the get-go).

.

When I was 8 my step father adopted me. I didn't have a choice mom said we would all have the same last name. Then she divorced him four years later, now I was stuck with his name. At 35 I spoke with my bio dad, my parents had been married. My bio dad adopted me back into the family at 35. So my maiden name is the same as it was from birth to age 8.

Yes, this was a step parent adoption. Not a full adoption.

My point being the older the child the more their very idenity is involved. I felt they stole my name and it was only my last name. I can't imagine what I would have thought if my step/adad had wanted me to change my first name.

If they want to change their name they may want to chose a new name themselves, not take one you want to give them. Maybe a name they always liked or felt that they should have had a different name to begin with.

Please in this follow their lead, don't try to talk them into it. Even a child as young as 7 or 8 may need to keep the name they already have.

Or they might think it a great adventure to change their full name, not just their last name.

Happy family

[PinkRibbon]

Originally posted by crick88
Darci -

I disagree. Just because I'm a parent, I don't feel I have the right to change my kids' names, especially if they have already identified with that name. You stated an age group between the ages of 5-12 and by then, they certainly identify with their names. What if the 12 year old doesn't want his name changed? If he insists on keeping his first name and requests to be called by his rightful name, are you suggesting that you will refuse to do so? With everything else taken away from him, you'll take his name too?

Crick

I agree with you 100%. I don't think a child who recognizes the sound of her/his first name should have that changed, because as you said, it's part of her identity. I remember first looking at the kids' photos on a website and reading their names. I felt a pang of sadness because I'm not going to be able to name my daughter. Oh, I could, but that would be more about my needs than those of my daughter and I won't do that.

[Lorraine123]

My daughter was 6 when she came to us and we did NOT change her name. I feel there were so many changes in her life that her name should not be another one.

As far as the identity thing goes, she was a drug addicted baby, neclected and abused for 3 1/2 years. Was that really the identity I wanted her to keep?

I disagree with the above statement. When we adopt older children, they come with identities. We cannot ignore them or pretend they don't exist. We, as parents, may not want the children to have those identities, but that is part of what makes them who they are.

[Darci]

It's not as though we erase their history by changing a name. We talk with our now 4 year old all the time about her past -- her first mom and dad and her foster mom and dad -- we try to make sure she understands her history and why she is where she is.

I did say that I would keep their first name as a middle name for if they wanted to go by it when they are older. They will get to help pick their names. Don't get me wrong, if I adopt a 12 year old and they are completely solid in not wanting to change their name, I won't force it. I'm not completely unreasonable. Fact of the matter is, most kids I've talked to and known (including foster kids I went to school with) would love to change their names.

And, quite frankly, I hate most of the names out there. My daughter had a name that most people give to dogs. One child we were interested in had our last name as his first name. There are many reasons to go ahead and change a child's name even if that child disagrees.

At any rate, it all comes down to personal preference, and personal situation. This has been argued a million times over, and no one will ever get everyone to agree. I simply gave my opinion, and I respect that you have your opinions. Chances are, you won't get me to change my mind.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally posted by Darci
It's not as though we erase their history by changing a name. We talk with our now 4 year old all the time about her past -- her first mom and dad and her foster mom and dad -- we try to make sure she understands her history and why she is where she is.

.

A 4 year old................... you could starting singing to her with her new name or a list of new names... your favorite top 5..

see which one she clings to and use it and her present name.

a Child so young would come up with some strange sounding names. My 5 year old grand daughter,(we have custody) makes up names, so I wouldn't want her to pick one... LOL

Or just start asking her if she wants to use her other name, at 4 she may not understand that this other name is new.. get her used to it before she starts school. You could just legally change it with the finalization of the adoption and gradually work it in to her ever day life.

When I used to call my, now adult children, by their frist full complete name, they knew there were in trouble.

But at 4, she might not understand that the new name wasn't always there.