[HappyMomAnna]

Most of us should be aware of the suicide death of a forum member who placed her daugher with an adoptive family with a promise of openess--which was later taken away by the adoptive family....the whole thing has hurt many of us on all sides of the triad.

I am really feeling a lot of hurt today about this whole issue. I am hurting because my children will NOT get to have any contact with their birthmother until the day they are old enough to find her---if she is any place anyone will be able to find her--if the drug addiction does not kill her---or an STD does not get her--or she does not freeze to death under a tree out in the woods where she gave birth to her last child.......

It hurts to think about my children's birthmother. How even given her problems and the fact she could not overcome them FOR WHATEVER reason--she cannot know where they are--or how beautiful they are--or how much I love them!

I know she was a big fat loser! I know she wasn't able to love her children enough to give up drugs or take the steps to put her life together! I know she hit my daughter--starved my daughter--let men molest my daughter! I know she gave birth to my baby boy and he had to suffer withdrawls from drugs and now he is delayed in development! I know all that!

But, I also know that somewhere in her core this must be the most horrible thing to suffer. Somewhere inside there has got to be a part of her that wishes she had been able to make better choices...I cannot believe that she is going on with her life not suffering from this deep loss....however her suffering might be.

And for her children I wish to God it was safe for us to have some kind of contact. We are told it is not. Her children will long to find her....my prayer for her and all the other birthmothers who have had their children removed and TPRed and placed into an adoptive home is simple:

Lord, during the coming years please touch my children's birthmother and help her find sanity, help her hit bottom and find drug treatment, counseling and support. Lord, give her the willpower to over come the issues which seperated her from her children so that when they do look for her they will find her alive and healthy and able to have a relationship with them. Amen.