[fungirl]

I apoligize if I offended Snickerdoodle or anyone else. I have a lot of pent up anger and frustration about the subject. The way I see the situation is from a completely different aspect. I wish now that when I gave my child up for adoption someone had explained to me that open adoption was available. My parents handled most of the details and I didn't have much say. Now I have to wonder every day If my son had a good life. So when I hear someone who agreed to have an open adoption. that she wants to bow out of her end of the bargin, All I can think of is the selfishness of it all. One of her reasons were because the b-mom was a lot younger than her and shes worried about her husband?I really don't get that one. That is some severe insecurities. Anyway Its the children's happiness that have to come first and to be a real parent sometimes we have to make the ultimate sacrifice (whatever that may be)....for the happiness of our children and if we aren't ready to do that then we shouldn't become parents. Sorry If I was harsh but children are dragged through some terrible messes because of our selfishness and they are the innocents here. I was adopted and I am now searching for both my b-parents and my son. Not knowing my real parents has left a huge void in my life causing me to make many mistakes in life. Maybe Snickerdoodle will take this into consideration and make the sacrifice that her children will benifit from whatever the outcome.

[riley6]

I didn't read your other post, but I agree with what you've said in this one!

[fungirl]

I was really harsh............I was wondering ,......I can't find my other post......is it possible it was removed ? I was so angry I don't know even for sure what it is I wrote.

[crayons]

You didn't say anything that didn't need to be said, most firstmoms didn't and don't have a say about there baby being adopted. You are like a lot of us, out babies were born and the adults jumped in and made our decisions for us, with no regard to how we felt, never seeing our children again. The thought of never seeing your baby again is extremely hard (they may as well have riped our hearts out, while they were at it. then some first moms are told, no problem, we will do what ever makes you happy, just like the person in the post said, only to scheme to get a baby from a young mom, this kind of crap is enough to make a lot of us reach through cyber space if we thought we could. grab this person and shake the crap out of them!

Don't beat yourself up over your post, better to get the feelings out than keep them inside. brandy

[St.Ives]

no fungirl please do not delete your other post. i was wrong. it was not too harsh. snckerdoodle thanked you for it and said that it helped her.
i guess sometimes you have to be harsh to get poeple to understand.

[fungirl]

I wasnt going ot delete my other post, I cannot find it and I was wondering if it was deleted by someone else. If not can you help me find it ?

[crayons]

some of our post were delected, couldn't find out why, I know mine is gone to.

[fungirl]

Well whatever; Hopefully it really did make an impact. Has anyone here been searching for a parent or child? There are so many registrys to go through and I am starting to feel despair. It took me 36 years to finally take this seriously and now that I have I find just looking through the registrys exhausting.

[Wind_Rider]

It still almost brings tears to my eyes to feel that i was abandoned to my Aparents by society and my Bparents.

I had to grow up in and emotional wasteland and an abusive environment. And i was not even supplied with a telephone number or any one that cared.

Sure my Aparents cared but they were in denial that it had anything to do with them. They told me to stop feling sorry for myself or they would give me something real to cry about.

My point is... open adoptions should be the only ones ever to be made available. Especially for international adoptions. The poor children need to have the knowledge that some one on the earth really does care and that they do matter.

And the Bparents could be a source of that caring.

I really feel that i would have been taken away from my aparents if social workers had known the truth about my upbringing.

They were wonderful providers and it stopped there.

Fungirl you need to be able to tell it like you feel it -----cause it is real.

[crayons]

Yes, I'm searching for my daughter, she is 31 now. Did you catch the thread about starting a place for adoptees to go straight to and search? I think it would be great.

[Wind_Rider]

No i had never seen the thread but i do know that if you needed to express your felings that here is the right place for you to do that and if you feel strong emotions then it takes strong expression to do them justice. And never let anyone ever take that away from you.

[fungirl]

I too do not feel like I was raised in a great environment. My mother (after she adopted me) decided her life was incomplete somehow so she became a Jehovah's Wittness thus shoving religion down my throat and driving a permanent wedge between her and my A-father. My life was miserable and led me to make many mistakes including getting pregnant at the age of 15. I still to this day have so many issues......and I think I am just starting to realize that is from lack of definement in my life,(who I am, where I came from, My bloodline ). My mother (the religious fanatic and I don't talk any more because just like I did last nite, I told her exactly how I felt about the mother she (wasn't) to me.
It wasn't until I had My second child now 4 years old, that I realized (IMHO) that it is very diffucult for an adoptive mother to feel the same way about a child that a b-mother does. Unconditional love. If I had known what I believe I know now, I would have fought so much harder to keep my firstborn. It terrifies me now to think my firstborn may have gone through what I went through as an adopted child. The worst part of all of this is that I know deep down inside my heart that my A-mother did the best she knew how. This is not meant as an insult to any adoptive mother, this is my opinion, and from my own personal experience. I would rather see a child adopted into a permanent home than live an existance in the abyss they call foster homes.

[fungirl]

No Ive never seen this thread. Is it still posted so I may get a better Idea about what It is your talking about?

[Wind_Rider]

Fungirl

You feel loss and have a right to that. You made decisions which led to circumstances you wish had not happened.

I am sure that both our amoms went through the same. They did what they knew how. And nobody is perfect.

I currently feel ashamed because my Amom is lying on her death bed with pneumonia. And i do not even feel the desire to go visit her. I somehow feel unaccepted and resentful that she does not lift a finger to call me on the phone. I feel that i have been doing oll the extending out for years and am worn out with that energy loss.

She only responds when i forgove her for her poor mom skills. I do realise she had not ever learned how to do things properly.

In the back of my mind i fel ashamed for feeling so detached and unwanting to run to her side just because she is ill. There is a part of me that would somehow feel liberated if she passed on. Isn't that horrible?

You mentioned a lack of definement. I want you to know hat you do belong in this world and are a part of this world. Many adoptees, myself included do go through this type of feeling.

I want to ask: is it healing to you to tell your mother of her inadequacy? I heard that confronting the person can be healing. Or in the end does it feel destructive towards where you want to be? I had done so to my amom and it made it feel worse hearing her put the blame right back onto me. Only once she had apologised for her poor skills.

So Fungirl The past is in our heads and that makes it still real. One day we will be able to shed the wasted energy that is burned on ill feelings and be able to put it into the present to make our future better.

[crayons]

Here is the thread:

try somthing new?Please Read!