[Snickerdoodle45]

I really don't know where to start, but I think you all may have suggestions for me.
I want to cut off physical contact with our daughter's birthmother, but don't know how to get my husband to agree with it or how to go about it without some huge backlash from her. Please don’t tell me I am being unfair, I am only doing this for the good of my daughter.

This isn't the typical adoption situation because my husband is the biological father and we did a stepparent adoption. This was what is called a traditional surrogacy.
When we went into this, I wasn't thrilled about the whole thing. We had gone through all sorts of infertility treatment but never got pregnant. My husband desperately wanted a blood child so we did not adopt. When we were both 45, we gave up on the idea that we would ever be pregnant, so my husband brought up surrogacy and researched it. Like I said, I wasn't at all thrilled but we went ahead anyway because he so much wanted a biological child. I honestly thought he might leave if he didn't get one

So at 46 we became parents and the girl handed the child over with no problem. I know we said that it would be open but my husband told her things like she would always be welcome and come visit anytime she wanted. Well that wasn’t exactly my plan, but that’s what was told to her. She wanted to come and see the baby 3 times in the first year! I just couldn’t stand it. She walked in and the baby was all smiles. I was the one that dealt with 4 months of colic and all the poopy diapers and sleepless nights and this girl waltzes in and the baby wants her.
Also, she’s a big complainer. She says has serious issues about handing the baby over now and she has bad emotional problems and says her kids have emotional problems. She tells people that she regrets everything and how she is so depressed and so on. Now come on! This wasn't like she got pregnant accidentally. She volunteered, we paid her and now she’s having issues?
I have to look at my daughter whom I love dearly everyday and be reminded of the bond my husband has with another woman. I am the one that should be having problems, not her! We paid her to do a job and she did it. Now I just want to live in peace without having her as a reminder that she is the biological mother. It’s just not fair. My husband sticks up for her and feels sorry for her. He thinks that she and her family should always be allowed to see the child who is now 3. I've managed to put her off for almost a year now because I want the baby to bond with me and only me and I think she will interfere with it. I don't think I am being unreasonable but my husband does. We argue about this constantly. She has been paid for a service, why can't she just leave us in peace like the rest of them do? Why did I get stuck with the difficult one? I know it sounds like I am being selfish, but I don’t want her to interfere with our bonding. Once my daughter is 21, she can have all the time she wants with her, but my child needs to understand that I am her only mother and not her.
We’ve told every one that the surrogacy was done with my egg. That helps me feel more comfortable, but in the back of my mind I know the truth and it doesn’t help that she wants to come over and see the child. We will tell her the truth one day when she is ready. For now, this is better that no one knows.
How do we make her understand that I don’t want her to visit anymore. I know what she was promised, but things have changed and it's for the best. I’ll send her pictures twice a year, but don’t want the visits? I just can’t handle seeing her. Plus, she is very pretty and a lot younger. I have a fear that my husband will have feelings for her although he says he never will.

Our second birthmother problem.

We are in another country waiting for the birthmother to have the child. My husband wanted to have a sibling for Alexia and wanted to do another surrogacy! I said no way will I go through all of that again. So we are going to adopt and I told him that I wanted to adopt internationally and with a mother that did not speak English. The country that we are adopting from is very strict in the adoption policies. My husband was born in this country, so the government will allow us to adopt from here. Plus my husband wanted a child from his own heritage. That’s understandable.
The problem is that now, after we had already decided that the birthmother would not visit and she would get pictures only, she is changing her mind!! She wants to see the baby once a year! I told my husband no way and she couldn’t enforce it anyway. My husband says that it will be good for her and the child to see the baby. I cannot believe this. And then he told her (because he speaks the language) that we would let her see the baby. I swear to God I am at my wits end and we will be divorced over this.
I don’t have a problem with pictures and updates, but I have a big problem with visits!

I am afraid this birthmother will change her mind if we don’t tell her what she wants to hear, but I don’t want to lie to her. I just want to get the baby and get out of here!

How do I get my husband to see things from my perspective and how do I convince the two birthmothers that it is better to just to move on with her life and leave me to raise MY child?

[manon]

I think it might be time for you to put the brakes on the freight train that's headed full steam down the tracks towards another open adoption, if an open adoption is not what you signed on for -- and it sounds like you made it clear earlier that was not what you wanted. Of course, that may mean you'll have a lot of money and time down the drain, and it may mean you deciding whether to stay in this marriage or not.

It's hard to believe you could be this far down this path without y'all having already gotten counselling about everything that has come up from the first adoption.

It sounds like you went along with whatever your husband wanted to do the first time along for fear he'd leave you. It also sounds like he has no qualms about changing the ground rules without your consent. So I think the question is not "how do I change his and their minds?" but "do I continue to do this?"

As it is, there's one child already that you may have questionable legal claim on for custody if you & your husband divorce. Don't throw another baby into the mix if you're not willing to stay married to this man in this situation. That would be a tragedy for that baby that is unnecessary.

Take a look at the number of adoptees who post on these forums every day about the hole they feel in their soul about knowing about their past, their genetic heritage, their place in the world. It's not because they don't love the mom who raised them. It's because it's only human to want to know about that. I think the best way to be a loving adoptive mom is to be open to the possibility of your child having some kind of relationship to the birth mom at some point. I agree that frequent visits before y'all are bonded is a bad idea, and that there should be limits on contact.

You're the only one who knows if you were mostly just venting on this board or if you really are in a situation that is going to be unlivable for you. If you aren't gonna be able to accept your husband's unilateral decisions about this, you need to tell him and you need to tell him you don't want to adopt this baby under these circumstances.

I wish you well. I adopted as a single mom; I never have figured out how to stay married myself! So please take my advice with a huge grain of salt on that. But I think you're kidding yourself to think there are some magic words that will make everybody else behave the way you want them to.

[Colorbind love]

You need help. I wish I could say it more constructively and kindly but I really can't.

I am both a birthmother and an adoptive mother. I've got news for you, by going the route you have gone, you are FOREVER tied to the birthmothers of your children. There is no way around that issue. They are a part of your children.


Now, you want to cut off ties to a young woman who was promised she could have continued contact with her birthdaughter. Its no wonder your DH won't allow you to do this. At least he sounds to be a man of his word and honor.

[tobeafamily]

I think your issues need to be addressed with professional counseling. You are very insecure about your relationship with your husband, your child and you do not trust yourself.

A few words from the adoption world:

1. Saying something is so does not mean it is. Despite what you tell everyone, your daughter was concieved by your husband's sperm and another woman's egg. Period. You can 'pretend' all you want, it does not change the truth.

2. When you make a promise, keep it. This teaches your daughter that you are a trustworthy person. In the first case, despite any internal misgivings, you agreed to contact. Period. Unless this woman is a physical threat to your child or yourselves (i.e. a dangerous criminal) then to dishonor your agreement is to dishonor your child.

I see FAR too many parents who close adoptions 'in the best interests of the child' when this is not the case at all - it's because of their 'best interests' or emotional needs that they choose this.

Think: What will you say when your daughter does discover the truth and does make contact with her surrogate mother and is told of your broken agreement and her biological origin? How will you help her understand that everything she understands about herself is a lie? And then, how will you heal your relationship with her?

For some insight on that one, talk with adopees whose parents did not tell them that they were not biological children and then discovered the truth later.

As for the second potential situation, if you're not comfortable with openness (which you clearly are not) then you must not go forward with the connection. Find other pbparents wherever who do not wish to have futher contact and go forward with them. Period.

IMHO please seek professional counseling. Your issues are deeper than anything this board is designed to address.

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[HappyMomAnna]

As an adoptive mother I can understand how hard it really is to NOT be the only mommy in our childrens lives. Our daughter came to us after four years with the only mother she ever had and now I have to be sensitive to what this all really means to her.....I am not the birthmother I never will be. But, I can tell my daughter that I know her birthmother LOVED her very much---I can tell because my daughter has a heart that is big enough to love her birthmother and her growing up forever mother too.

There might not be laws that force you to have contact or an open adoption .... but to me a promise was made to someone who even if it was all about the money--created a life that grew inside of her.....she would be an empty cold and greedy woman if she did not have some kind of feelings about the life she grew in her---to give to you to raise.

I think that you will find there are plenty of us adotive moms dealing with the whole other mother issue....and the only person who really matters is the child.....You start this post by saying you want to do what is best for your child? But in your words it does not ever seem you even mention how having extra people love your child is in any way harming her? I think our children deserve as much love form as many people as we can every allow to love them...... and after three years if your little girl has not attached to you--and does not see you as her mommy then a life time of problems may be ahead--by this time your daughter should have a fully secure and loving realtionship with you.

To me the problems you are so deeply in agony over are not really about the birthmother at all...... Was this baby concieved in a labrotory under doctor supervision--or was this something your husband did the old way?

To me the problems that you are having are with your husband as he is wanting to keep the contact and the openess--and he is wanting to allow another woman to be a big part of his daughters life--a younger pretty woman....a threat.

Your writting expresses some very deep pain...hurt and feelings about this whole situation....but nothing about how having contact with your daughters birthmother is damaging to her in any way.....

I offer you my support as you work through the feelings you have and as you deal with the long term implications of the fact that there is and always will be a birthmother for your daughter to think about, wonder of and oneday wish to meet....

[wanttobeparents]

If you have not bonded with your daughter in 3 years, the fault is not with the bio mother. You are not allowing yourself to bond. You need to get counseling to deal with this.

From your post, you sound as if you went through with surrogacy to keep your husband from leaving you. That is not a reason to have a child. It is emotional blackmail.

Before you adopt this second child, please seek counseling with your husband. Adopting couples need to be on the same page about open or closed adoptions. If your husband is changing the rules in the middle of the second adoption, you need to get some help making sure that you can deal with whatever is promised.

You cannot make this all right by yourself. You need to get help in dealing with your first child's birthmother and in dealing with your own feelings about not having biological children. Your daughter does not need to believe that it was your egg, she needs to know the truth.

I have an open adoption with my son's birthmother. We see her at least once a month, she was here for his first solid food, his first Easter egg hunt, and saw him roll over back to front before I did. Does it make me less of a mother? No. It gives me great pleasure to share his firsts with the woman that gave birth to him. A child is more than capable of loving multiple people. If he can love a mother AND a father, why can't he find a place in his heart to love a birthmother and a birthfather as well? The sight of her holding him when he has fallen asleep after a bottle warms my heart. Does it take anything away from me? No, I do this several times a day.

Is everyone cut out for open adoption? No. If you are not sure that you can handle it, don't do it. Don't make any promises that you can't keep. It sounds as if you would not be able to keep this second adoption open. Don't agree to it. Don't do it. It will destroy the family you are trying to build. Please be honest with your husband about how much this is hurting you.

Peggy

[Cricket8351]

Wow. I don't really want to stir up a hornets nest here but I must tell you that I am quite disturbed by many things you said in your post.

First of all I agree with manon in that your current adoption needs to be stopped immediately. There is no way you should proceed.

Second of all, I do not see how stopping visits with the SM is best for your daughter. I mean no disrespect but I think you see it as best for you...it has nothing to do with your daughter.

Open adoptions (which is what you are involved in basically) are difficult but you agreed to it. When your daughter gets older and starts questioning why she doesnt see her natural mother or why visits were discontinued how are you going to explain it? The only truthful answer I can see is that you stopped all the visits because you felt threatened, insecure, and uncomfortable by the contact.

The fact of the matter is that your daughter does have and will always have another mother. Just the same as my daughter does and will always. I had to come to terms with that before we decided to adopt and you will too unless you try to pretend and cause your daughter a lifetime of difficulties. If you don't believe me, take a look at the books, websites, boards, and chat rooms where adoptees speak up about this very issue. See how they feel about it now. It never works.

Thirdly, have you and your husband considered marital counseling? It really sounds like there is a break down of communication and unless you both work through it bringing another child into your family will only cause you more heartache.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am not attacking or trying to insult you in anyway. That is not my intent at all. Your post just sent up lots of red flags in my opinion.

I do wish you and your family the very best.

Sincerely,
Cricket

[HappyMomAnna]

Originally posted by Snickerdoodle45


~~~ I am only doing this for the good of my daughter.

~~~So at 46 we became parents and the girl handed the child over with no problem.

~~~ She walked in and the baby was all smiles.

~~~and the baby wants her.

~~~ the child who is now 3.

~~~I want the baby to bond with me and only me and I think she will interfere with it.

~~~ but I don’t want her to interfere with our bonding.

~~~Once my daughter is 21, she can have all the time she wants with her.

~~~... but my child needs to understand that I am her only mother and not her.

~~~the truth and it doesn’t help that she wants to come over and see the child.

~~~ We will tell her the truth one day when she is ready. For now, this is better that no one knows.


~~~ but things have changed and it's for the best.


~~~... wanted to have a sibling for Alexia

~~~Plus my husband wanted a child from his own heritage. That’s understandable.

~~~My husband says that it will be good for her and the child to see the baby. I cannot believe this.

~~~ let her see the baby.

~~~get the baby and get out of here!

You child and your future child --I am not seeing in what you wrote where there is any harm to either child from the openess that there could be with adoption?

[HappyMomAnna]

Originally posted by Snickerdoodle45


~~~This isn't the typical adoption situation because my husband is the biological father and we did a stepparent adoption.

~~~ My husband desperately wanted a blood child so we did not adopt.

~~~... my husband brought up surrogacy and researched it.

~~~ he so much wanted a biological child. I honestly thought he might leave if he didn't get one


~~~my husband told her things like she would always be welcome and come visit anytime she wanted.

~~~I have to look at my daughter whom I love dearly everyday and be reminded of the bond my husband has with another woman.

~~~ My husband sticks up for her and feels sorry for her. He thinks that she and her family should always be allowed to see the child who is now 3.

~~~ I don't think I am being unreasonable but my husband does. We argue about this constantly.

~~~ I have a fear that my husband will have feelings for her although he says he never will.

~~~ My husband wanted to have a sibling for Alexia and wanted to do another surrogacy!

~~~ My husband was born in this country, so the government will allow us to adopt from here. Plus my husband wanted a child from his own heritage. That’s understandable.

~~~ My husband says that it will be good for her and the child to see the baby. I cannot believe this.

~~~ And then he told her (because he speaks the language) that we would let her see the baby. I swear to God I am at my wits end and we will be divorced over this

~~~How do I get my husband to see things from my perspective

Your husband seems to be caring about all the women and children involved in making it possible for him to be a father.

[manon]

I tried to go on with my afternoon & not think any more about this post, but it keeps bugging me, and I frankly suspect it surely has got to be a fictitious post. Sorry to be so paranoid. I just don't see how anybody could be as far along in the adoption process as to actually be in-country waiting for the birth mother to give birth without having had all these issues come to a head before now.

I guess it's theoretically possible that the home study got done without any of this being addressed in any meaningful way, but I know it wouldn't have gotten past MY social worker! Scarey if this is real.

[HappyMomAnna]

I think it would be too painful for other birthmothers to see in black and white the words you have spoken about them in general and specifically about the birthmother who got prognant in order for your to get to be a mother....

Your problems are not because of any protection or love for this child or any future child--your problems are because you were passive with your husband and made choices that are far to difficult for you to live with now....even though you actually knew it before you went forward. This whole mess is because you allowed yourself to make a choice about the life of a baby in order to save your marriage---It never matters how the children come into a marriage---they cannot be the super glue that fixes anything..... Please do not adopt another child if your motivations it to take it and run....If there is a divorce because of this then It was most likely going to happen anyway....children suffer far to much in a divorce.

[Kindreds]

In reading snickerdoodle's post I thought this has to be a hoax. How could this situation be true. Are there really people out there like this? Snickerdoodle could not have created a worse scenario to be in. She used adoption to save her marriage. She is jealous of the bond her husband has with the surrogate. She is jealous of the bond her daughter has with the natural mother. She is lying to obtain another child. She wants the natural mother to "go away" like all the rest of the surrogates do. She feels the victim in all of this and does not see she is creating this hell pit herself. Serious counseling is needed by this woman as she is in the process of destroying many lives... or this is all just a hoax post?

[Cricket8351]

Manon,
It is so funny that you mention that because I had the same thought.

I thought someone is probably just trying to get us all going because surely these issues could not have gotten past a home study.

Paranoia here too.

Cricket

[Kindreds]

Do you need a home study for a surrogacy. If Dad the natural father? Is home study needed for the adoptive mother?

[Cricket8351]

Snickerdoodle's birthday is 08/4/1958...45 years old.

Adopted at 46...daughter is 3 years old? I am not good at math but am I missing something?

"When we were both 45, we gave up on the idea that we would ever be pregnant, so my husband brought up surrogacy and researched it. Like I said, I wasn't at all thrilled but we went ahead anyway because he so much wanted a biological child. I honestly thought he might leave if he didn't get one

So at 46 we became parents and the girl handed the child over with no problem."

"...the child who is now 3."