[LindaBrown]

If sarrogacy is not an adoption by law then why is it like a step parent adoption?

[Snickerdoodle45]

In all of these kinds surrogacies, the birthmother surrenders her parental rights to the child and the adoptive mother does a step parent adoption. Surrogacy is the same as adoption. Mary Beth Whitehead was an exception because she never terminated her rights the courts did that fo rher and then overturned it. Surrogacy is illsgal in New York and a few other states. Its always treated as an adoption within the birthmother has the same rights as any irthmother according to the state laws.

But that doesn't even matter. I am so shocked over this young womans death. I have done a lot of reading yesterday and today about birthparents and this woman who lost her life and I came about a revelation. I think that half my problem here is that I felt so much guilt when I saw the birthmother because I knew she was in pain and I didn't even want to admit that I maybe had caused it, so I fell apart when I saw her but didnt know completely why. Yes it has something to do with my jealousy but I think it I didn't want to see her pain and think I had done something wrong. Instead I got angry and defensive against and at HER.
I have that book Fast track. It used to
be my bible. I don't think I can ever look at the book again.

The girl called us an hour ago and said she was going to the hospital because of mild contractions. I am waiting to hear from her again. I don't know if I should even be there now. Her sisters are taking her.
Would it be wrong for me to go or should I just leave her in peace? I read yesterday that many birthmothers don't want us there. Maybe she doesn't want me there. I'm not sure I even know what to do anyore

[3girls1boy]

I would find out what she really wants. Then do it. Respect her space and privacy and do everything she requests. My daughter's birthmom wanted us there, at the hospital, but not in the room. It worked well, she would send people out to get us when she wanted us. She invited us in minutes after the baby was born. We spent 30 minutes oohing and aahing and then left until the next day. Just listen to the mom and follow her lead.

[St.Ives]

wow snickerdoodle i have to say im really glad youre rethinking youre feelings about all this. that sounds like a really good start.

[LindaBrown]

I am considering placing my child for adoption. I don't want the family that I will be choosing at the hospital because thats my time and my families time as well as the birthfathers time and his families time to say goodbyes. so your best bet would be to just respect her wishes. If I do place I will be telling the family that I don't want them there because of the reasons I stated above.

[Colorbind love]

I'm really glad to hear you are rethinking your position. If you have really reached a point that you can and will be honest with yourself and the birthmothers of your children, then that's great. I still think you need counseling, as I doubt you can work through your issues that quickly. But, its a huge step in the right direction to acknowledge that the insecurity is yours to deal with and be willing to deal with it.

As for what to do with the young woman giving birth, I would stay out of the way unless she requests that you come. She isn't a birthmother until she relinquishes her child. If she calls and asks that you be there, then by all means go. If she doesn't, assume she wants her space and wait for her to call.

[LindaBrown]

I agree with the poster above me.

[St.Ives]

fungirl that seems unecesarily harsh. i mean shes already got the first kid and the next adoptions pretty much in the bag right? so what good can come of us insulting and acusing her. it will make her feel worse, treat the kids worse, treat the brithmothers worse. it acomplishes nothing.
she is admiting that the problem is hers not the birthmother. thats progress. we might as well be encouraging. i think shes on the right path.

[Mary RamireZ]

some of your might of heard of the birthmother suicide of Joradmode aks cindy. I am sorry I am unable to read any they post on why we must close our adoption. Adoption parents do not under the pain they cause and what their actions let to. The adoptive mother wrote a book called Fast Track Adoptions that it could have been cause how to drive your birthmother to Suicide.

by for now
Mary

[Snickerdoodle45]

Carlos Eduardo was born at 6:27am and weighed in at 3 kilograms even (I think this is 6 pounds 8 ounces) He was named after his great grandfather who passed away days before his birth.

My husband talked to Isabel las tnight about her preferences. I told him to make sure that she knows that it is up to her when we come and we won't be insulted at all if she takes all the time she needs. So she said that she wants about 5 hours alone with the baby so we went today around 11:30 and got back to his family's house not too long ago.

We talked to her about why she wanted a home for this baby because she seemed like such a good mommy to her daughter Ashley. She said she knew that this was not her husband's baby. She had an affair with an american tourist last year. Her boyfriend/common law husband (they have what is known as free union down here and it is recognized as marriage in the eyes of th elaw) has cheated on her and ran around with several women throughout the relationship but that was OK because he is a man and men are suppsed to do that acording to this culture. But when she does it, her husband abandons her and her family says she is a disgrace and won'r
t recognize the baby or help. What a crock.

Her husband came to see the baby in the hospital, took one look and saw he was white (I mean verrrry white with blond hair and blue eyes and her husband is quite dark) said he was leaving and not supporting his daughter and walked out. Isabel's grandfather was very fair too being from Spainis blood. SO now she has no husband or family to support her and she has no skills but is very intelligent.

I held the baby for a a while. His is tiny and perfect and beautiful beyond belief. He didn't sit too well with me because he started squirming and crying. I looked at her face and she was crying. She looked so much in pain. THe baby started to look for a boob I think. Now I have two, but they don't work! I handed him back to her and he nursed. It was so sweet. Iv'e never seen a mother nurse before!

It is so sad that this nice girl has no support from her family and her husband is an AHOLE first class! Also, this American just waltzes down her and gets a young girl pregnant and goes on with his life! That is so wrong.It only takes about 2 or 3 hundred dollars to live down here a month. My husband and I are gong to talk about this some more.

I want to thank Brenda Romanchik for her suggestions and help. I went to her open adoption insights site and read a lot this morning. Then I went to the lifemothers site and read some more. I am really glad that Isabel did not want us there until later because it gave me time to read.

I also want to thank everyone who responded to me, but especially the ones who were harsh with me. I have a support group back home of adoptive mothers. I really expected everyone here to respond "there there dear, we know how it is with birthmother trouble" and when you did not, I thought God these people are nasty. But then it made me look at myself and I said, God these people are RIGHT.
We are going bak to the hospital to see what Isabel really wants to do and what options she has. I'll update later. Thank you all for the support and words that made me think.

[fungirl]

Sorry If I was harsh on you yesterday. I hope that you indeed think about what I said. Remember it is the childrens happiness that is important here. I wish you lots of luck in getting over your insecurities and I wish you and your family lots of love.

[St.Ives]

good luck snickerdoodle.

[Colorbind love]

I am very glad to see you are handling things better.

Incidentally, you can breastfeed an adopted child fourfriends.com.



On a side note, since when is it acceptable for admin to creatively edit posts, deleting some and keeping what they feel is 'acceptable' without even bothering to notify the original posters? This has little to do with you, snickerdoodle. But, I'm deeply offended and saddened to see that the very words which HELPED you think more clearly have been wiped out. And, I know that I was never notified, nor given a single chance to edit my own words. And, yet someone in the powers that be felt it was appropriate to actually CHANGE my post to something which is partially what I said, partially made up, and definitely NOT what I said. Such a shame that another person struggling with something similiar will now not see the very insights which helped you, and will perhaps think that your mentality before is acceptable. Almost makes me wonder what I'm bothering doing here.

[bromanchik]

Colorblindlove, please stay.

Snickerdoodle, I am so glad things are going well. Good Luck and keep in touch.

[ShatteredChild]

Snickerdoodles,

I don't know whether I can help you any. I did want to post to you offering an open invitation to contact me by pm. I am an adult child of traditional surrogacy. My adoptive mother felt/feels much the way you described in your first post. The big difference I see between you and her, is your willingness to discuss these issues openly.

I have very intense pain caused by my adoptive mother's unwillingness to help me find my surrogate mother. My pain is based on complex issues. The biggest is from my adoptive mothers lack of connection to me. She went into surrogacy for the wrong reasons. To please my father rather than for a child to call her own. Her issues have crippled my life from the beginning. I was told I was adopted for several years. Now I know the truth. I am very angry with my parents. I have some anger towards my surrogate mother. I feel like an object that was bought & sold.

Please, before its too late get infertility counseling! Turn over every rock to work this through.

My feelings towards my parents were caused by their denial of the situation. While my father is wonderful. He supports my amom's position. My surrogate mother should never be a threat to anyone. What should matter is MY happiness. I can only imagine what my life would have been like if I had grown up knowing my amom loved me enough to let me know my surrogate mother. I wouldn't feel like a huge part of me is missing. The people posting to you here have said most of the important things you need to hear. Your daughter will be more blessed to know you love her enough to allow her surrogate mom to know/love her at the same time. You will bond with your daughter more if you embrace the surrogate mother of your child. Your child may end up alienated from you if you don't leave the door open for a relationship with her surro mom. We as children or adults have the capacity to love many different people in many different ways.

This should be about what your child needs. Not what you need. Regardless of why you chose traditional surrogacy; you are responsible for creating a child for your benefit. The child has two mothers! One that loves her as much as you. Not as a parent maybe, but she loves the daughter you share because she nutured her inside of herself so you could be a mother. Your daughter will never stop loving you. Especially, if you give her the balance of having two mothers who love her, just in different ways.

Clarissa,
An adult child of traditional surrogacy