[wanttobeparents]

I don't at all want to feel this way, not towards myself or my husband or the birthmom. I just go to pieces when she comes over How do I go about overcoming that? My husband doesn't believ e in counselling. He thinks we can work it out for ourselves. Maybe I'll go myself.

How do you overcome feeling that way? One day and one visit at a time. I was terrified the first time we visited with the birthparents. I was so afraid they would ask for him back. Even though the revocation period was past and they legally had no claim on him, how would I explain to my son that his first parents wanted him back and I wouldn't let them have him. I didn't sleep for several days before the meeting. But we went, they were thrilled to see Michael, we got along great, and made plans to meet again the next month.

I see the birth family as an added bonus to his life. If he ever has any questions about his background, medical history, or the reasons they relinquished, they are right there to answer him. He will not grow up feeling abandoned because they are still with him. He will not have to endure a search or reunion and all the problems that may come with that because he will know them and know how much they love him.

Can you try to see the postive things that your daughter can gain from this? A child can love more than one person, and you and the birthmother each have a different place in her life. She can love both of you without taking anything away from the other.

You can try reading the birthparent section of Adoption Forums to see the pain a birthmother goes through when she relinquishes a child. What terror a woman feels not knowing if her child is alive or dead, much less happy in life.

I worked hard at coming to terms with my inability to have children before I adopted. I hated my body for betraying me, then forgave myself. I know any child in my home will have two mothers simply because I will never have a biological child. It took several years to come to this point, but I felt it was important to do before adopting.

If your husband will not attend counseling with you, go alone. If he thinks you can work it out yourselves, he's kidding himself or not listening to what you are saying. I think you have enough fears that you will need help facing them. I'm glad you have bonded with your daughter, but please keep the truth between you. If she always knows how she came to be in your life, she will not have the shock of discovery later on. The truth usually does come out, whether by accident or from you. It will be much better coming from you. If you begin telling her now, by the time she understands what you are saying, the words will be easy to say.

Peggy

[mamacrina]

WoW.

I wasn't going to touch this thread with a ten foot pole, but after that last reply, Anna...I had to write something.

That was the best post I have ever read and I am so touched by everything you said.

Thank you.

Hugs,Crina

[HappyMomAnna]

Originally posted by Snickerdoodle45
"To me the problems you are so deeply in agony over are not really about the birthmother at all...... Was this baby concieved in a labrotory under doctor supervision--or was this something your husband did the old way?"

I only asked this question in order to understand if there were some valid reasons to be worried about the birthmother being pretty and younger then you are..... Thankfully that is not an issue and as an older--getting out of shape--a little rough around the edges woman I do understand the younger prettier part--of course I have yet to roll over in my bed and see Brad Pitt gazing into my eyes--so hopefully he love you as much as you love him...or at least this is what I try to tell myself!

Yes I am jealous of their bond. I am threatened by the bond the baby has with the birthmother, but that doesn't mean she hasn't bonded with me!!

I know how this feels--I didn;t get to pick out my kid's first names---but, I tell them the first name was a gift from your birthmother--the middle is a gift from me....

We have a great time together and I love her dearly. I am just being honest here. If you put yourself in my shoes, wouldn't you be too? Just a little?

My children were TAKEN from their birthmother and in order to protect them they are not permitted to have contact--But, I would be open to it any day of the week--if the state called me to say she had turned her life around I rush out the door to meet her---I would love my children to hear about the grandparents, the life thier birthmother had--her pain in the loss of them--her feelings while she carried them and what it was like the day they were born....and why they have those beautiful brown eyes...and where the one left dimple came from.

I agreed to it because it meant so much to my husband. That was my fault not letting my feelings be known.I was being honest when I said I was afraid he would leave. I didn't figure that being honest here about my feelings would be a bad thing.
It is perfectly fine to be honest here--of all places here is the place to be honest.

Please do get some support and thrapy--In fact I wouldn't even ask my husband to come with me----there is valid reasons you chose to make a life changing choice in order to keep him. At this point it does not even matter if your feelings were based on his fair treatment of you or not. For some reason you felt responsible for not giving him children and that he would leave you if you were not able to compromise your own feelings to keep him.

Your feelings could be self imposed or from the guilt and shame that many of us experience when we are unable to concieve...or your feelings have been imposed on you by someone who was less then caring of your situation--and your own pain for not being able to concieve--EITHER way that is all water under the bridge now.

The important thing is that you STOP making choices that will impact your life forever--just to save a marriage--or keep your husband....if he would leave you over this--he will leave you for some other reason...someone who might leave us for one thing will find something else....they don't need a specif reason sometimes any reason at all will do....A marriage is about honor and respect and when one side uses the, "I will leave if yu don't...." card--then it is only a matter of time before they will use that card again. You cannot continue to base the decissions you will have to live with the rest of your life on makeing someone else stay with you..... It will only hurt you more later.

[Snickerdoodle45]

To answer the questions...

My husband did most of the legwork, so I don't know all the of details like the names of the forms. We got permission from the Immigration and citizen bureau, we did the homestudy with a lisenced social worker in our state and it was a breeze. There were no problems there. We had to be fingerprinted. We had to get police records and neither of us has a record. We had to get birth certificates, marriage certificates, employment records, homestudy and it goes on and on the list notarized and then authenticated by the secretary of the state.

To deal with this country is going to be worse. But because my husband is a CITIZEN of this country we are adopting from and a resident of the States (when he married me 20 years ago), they are being much more lenient. Most Americans cannot adopt from this country and if they do, the child must be over 4. They will allow a citzen to adopt an infant. He has family here too.

We are doing a private adoption through an attorney here. The child cannot be taken from the country under temp guardianship. The adoption must be final before they can issue the visa, which is not a problem because my husband is a citizen and doesn't have to leave. We have our daughter here with us. Because her father is a citizen, dual citizen ship is recognized. We are in the process of getting her birth certificate (our daughter's) issued from this country. It will take 4-8 months to finalize everything and then we can leave with the child.

We have to deal with the govenmental agency that handles children exiting the country too.
wE'VE BEEN through so much already and spent so much money that it seems almost impossible to back out, you know? It'll break his heart..

[Snickerdoodle45]

Thank you so much Anna. Your post helped me so much and gave me so much to think about. I suppse I was having an "its all about ME ME ME" moment.
I guess at age 50 its about time I grew up

My husband never used the "do this or I'll leave you card". I did it becuase I wanted to make him happy and from my own stupid fears. It meant so much for him to have a bio child

[bromanchik]

Snickerdoodle, I PM'd you with some resources. Look at your mail.

[eek40]

One thing I urge you to do is read the thread titled
Sucide of Birthmom. The boards lost a great memeber do to an upsetting situation.
Aimee

[mom2alex]

I was just going to suggest the same. Here is the link. This woman suffered deeply over unkept promises.

http://forums.adoption.com/t143232.html

Snicker, I am glad you are finding some answers. Anna, thank you for taking the time to educate.

[tobeafamily]

Aimee - that's not fair of you. We don't know why Jordan decided to end her life, certainly there were factors related to her placing her child that really upset her but to imply even indirectly that if an adoptive parent closes an adoption that was open, then they're responsible if a birth parent then decides to commit suicide is plain wrong.

Snickerdoodle - our adoptive relationship with Ryan's bfamily is fully open and integrated. Ryan's bparents took him home from the hospital and spent his first two weeks together with them before we left for our home state. They've both visited since. Yes, at first I was worried that Ryan would reject me for them. He didn't. He loved yanking his bmom's brand new belly button ring (we warned her) and loved giggling with her, but at the end of the day, when he was tired and hungry he only wanted Mommy - me.

The best way I find to get past fear is to push through it - keep having visits, watch your daughter, see how she reacts. She may really enjoy visits with her bmom, but in the end you are her mom - the one she goes to when she's hurt, tired, upset, etc.

HTH,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[eek40]

[quote]Originally posted by tobeafamily
[b]Aimee - that's not fair of you. We don't know why Jordan decided to end her life, certainly there were factors related to her placing her child that really upset her but to imply even indirectly that if an adoptive parent closes an adoption that was open, then they're responsible if a birth parent then decides to commit suicide is plain wrong.



I didnt post that to be unfair to anyone, if you read the posts you will see that her open adoption was closed by the adoptive parents. It was a considerable factor in her suicide. I am pointing out that decisions about closing off birthparents should be seriously considered. It was not unfair of me in any way shape or form!

Aimee

[St.Ives]

i dont think it was unfair either. whatever problems this birthmother may have had, having her open adption closed or the terms of it not honored could not have helped and it must have been a contributing factor. i cant imagine how somebodyt could do this.

[LindaBrown]

If I was the birthmother working with this orginal poster I would run for the hills and never look back. sometimes adoptive couples give adoption a bad name because of this stuff.

[Colorbind love]

Here's something I thought of. Your first child was concieved via a traditional surrogate. Its not technically an adoption by law. Thanks to the Baby M case, surrogacy is viewed as a legally binding contract. So, unlike an adoption, if visitation is in your surroage contract, I suspect this birthmother can probably find a court willing to ENFORCE the visitation.

You doubt me? Look at the Baby M case. Her birthmother is fully involved in her life. She fought it in court, and the judge handled it like visitation in a divorce, not adoption. If you put the ongoing relationship in your contract, then whether you continue it morally you may be bound to continue it legally.

[LindaBrown]

she should stay with her oringal agreement.

[St.Ives]

surrogacy is viewed as a legally binding contract. So, unlike an adoption, if visitation is in your surroage contract, I suspect this birthmother can probably find a court willing to ENFORCE the visitation. colorblindlove

Awesome.
If only jordan and other birthmothers on this site had been surogates instead, then maybe they would also deserve rights and common decency. that makes a lot of sense. who makes these laws anyway?