[Opus]

Yikes. I'm with Colorblind and everyone else who has suggested counseling. I can't believe you knowlingly went ahead with not one, but two situations where you did not feel comfortable but did it anyway. You and your husband owed it your children and your children's birthparents to be on the exact same page before you worked out open adoption agreements with them. It sounds like you won't be able to convince your husband otherwise, I suggest you live with the decisions you made. What a sad situation for everyone.

You know, now that I've reread the post, something doesn't seem quite right. Maybe Snickerdoodle is a troll.

[riley6]

Dad wrote: You know, now that I've reread the post, something doesn't seem quite right. Maybe Snickerdoodle is a troll.

I sure hope you're right!

[Snickerdoodle45]

You don't need a homestudy for a surrogacy that the father is the bio father.

I have talked it over with my husband. I think I was really mad, really ranting and I apologize for offending. I don't want a divorce, but this is not the time for us to adopt it's the time to get the marriage in order. I knew that just felt like I was stuck.
This is a very real situation, btw. I don't at all want to feel this way, not towards myself or my husband or the birthmom. I just go to pieces when she comes over How do I go about overcoming that? My husband doesn't believ e in counselling. He thinks we can work it out for ourselves. Maybe I'll go myself.

I am so sorry for letting this rant get out of hand. I just had to get the frustrations out and it made me sound like a real butt.

Please, adoptive mothers, how did you overcome the insecurity? Sometimes I don't sleep at night and argue with my husband when I knwo she is coming for a visit. I don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to hurt her the birthmom either. I guess I was felling like my needs weren't being met and took it ou on the keyboard.
Plus, I am going through menopause, so I feel xtra irrational.

Besides councelling, wht else do I do? I feel like she doesn't respects me and she wants to be this child's mother. Maybe that's just my perception. I am really afraid of the baby saying to heck with you when she is 13 and running off to live with her.

Again, I am sorry

[Snickerdoodle45]

My daughter was born June of 2000 and I was born August of 1953. I was 46 when she was born and I am 50 now and she is 3. I don't understand the birthday thing.

[Snickerdoodle45]

We did a stepparent adoption so I am the legal mother.

[manon]

Originally posted by Snickerdoodle45
My daughter was born June of 2000 and I was born August of 1953. I was 46 when she was born and I am 50 now and she is 3. I don't understand the birthday thing.

People were referring to the info you put in your profile, where you said you were born in 1958.

So as far as the current situation goes, is this a surrogacy thing too? Aren't you having to have a home study done for this adoption that's in your husband's home country outside the US to be able to bring the child back to the US? I know that the US agency that used to be called INS, BCIS, who can keep up this week with their letters, requires a homestudy before an I-171H can be issued.

That's why some of us are confused.

If you really are in this situation, I sure hope you do go ahead & get some counselling on your own without your husband if he won't go.

[manon]

I know it's no consolation, but I've been assured by all the parents I know that no matter what I do, even if my child had been my bio child, when she hits adolescence she may hate me anyway!

I think you have to stop looking at what you get out of it and look at the child that you love. What would you want that child to have in an ideal world.

Assuming, of course, you're real.

People here have reason to question that since there have been other people before who've posted absolutely made up stuff. Don't take it personally.

Assuming, of course...

My name is Jon Johnson, I live in Wisconsin, ....

[skinnylou]

I am a birth mom. I had a closed adoption. I was not given an option. I thought near daily about my child for 24 years. His amom supported him and encouraged him in his search. I understand the surrogate idea.

I am offended anyway that you describe your bmom like a brood mare.

Have you thought she might not have even considered the surrocacy if she were going to be seperated from the child?

[Snickerdoodle45]

"To me the problems you are so deeply in agony over are not really about the birthmother at all...... Was this baby concieved in a labrotory under doctor supervision--or was this something your husband did the old way?"

Oh heavens no! We went to a doctor in a clinic and did intrauterine inseminations. I am sorry if I missed any questions, there are so many of them I will do the best to try to answer them.
Yes I am jealous of their bond. I am threatened by the bond the baby has with the birthmother, but that doesn't mean she hasn't bonded with me!! We have a great time together and I love her dearly. I am just being honest here. If you put yourself in my shoes, wouldn't you be too? Just a little?
I agreed to it because it meant so much to my husband. That was my fault not letting my feelings be known.I was being honest when I said I was afraid he would leave. I didn't figure that being honest here about my feelings would be a bad thing.

[riley6]

You really do need to stop thinking ONLY how this is affecting you. Open adoption isn't about the adoptive family, it's about the child. It's about the child knowing who their bmom is, who their bsiblings are, about what their heritage is. NO ONE can give that to them except their bmom.

Can you change the way you are thinking about the bmom? Instead of thinking about what she is TAKING from you (which by the way if she is only seeing the baby a couple times a year, it is false thinking) but instead what you are GIVING to your child? You are giving her the opportunity of knowing WHO she is, bc whether you want to acknowlege it or not, she is ONLY who she is bc she is part of her bmom.

Your post comes across as being written by someone who is very insecure with herself and her marriage. It doesn't sound like someone wrote it who is very secure with her husband. It doesn't sound like you and your dh talk to EACH other very well.

As far as your way of thinking about your dd's bmom...She isn't an INCUBATOR! She's a living, breathing HUMAN being with FEELINGS. How dare you expect her to just go on bc she's been PAID! So you BOUGHT your daughter, did you? Won't she be thrilled when she finds out the truth about why she came into existance.

Sorry, I was trying NOT to be judgemental in this post, but it's hard for me not to. You need a lot of counseling and it should start with individual counseling. I really feel sorry for any child in your home, bc you obviously are not secure enough to give a child what a child needs to flourish.

I'll shut up before I really go off.

[riley6]

Oh, I forgot to ask, since you want to break your end of the adoption, how would you feel if the bmom broke HER end of the adoption? IF she could reclaim her child!

You have had this little girl day in and day out for THREE years. If the bond isn't there yet, it's not bc of the bmom!

[Snickerdoodle45]

"People here have reason to question that since there have been other people before who've posted absolutely made up stuff. Don't take it personally."

No I don't take it personally. I could see why you would think that I guess. I was angry when I wrote that. I don't think of her as a brood mare. Maybe I can go back and edit because I am thinking more clearly now. I can see why that would be offensive to any birthmother.

[3girls1boy]

When my daughter was little she would light up when her birthmom visited. She loved her, even other people noticed. Sometimes it bothered me, but I had to be rational and remind myself that just because she is part hers-birthmom- it doesn't make her any less mine. I am the one that is with her 24/7 from the time she was 11 hours old. My child loves me and I have to trust that. It also helped when my other children came along and adored my daughter's birthmom. She is a complete kid magnet. So when I feel petty and realize that she does none of the hard stuff and gets to waltz in here like "Aunt Mommy" I have to remember I have her all the time, and if it wasn't for this incredible woman I wouldn't have her at all. My daughter doesn't have to choose, she can have us both- we have different roles. She wouldn't be the person she is without both of us- actually all 4 of us. By the way Mallory is going to be 13 soon and there are days she would not only ditch me for her birthmom, but for the neighbor lady, the school principal or her bus driver- anyone but Mom. Love your child wholly and respect her and where she came from and she will do the same for you. You have the baby you have the control use it wisely and honorably.

I think your daughter's bmom needs counseling, you need counseling, your marriage too. I think you can turn this around, its just going to take work on everyone's part.

I wouldn't even think about adoption #2 if you are having one seconds doubt about honoring promises to birthmom.

[Snickerdoodle45]

It says I can't edit anymore after 60 minutes. I really want to edit it because I just re-read what I said and it is offensive and now that I have my senses it is not what I feel

[HappyMomAnna]

I can believe and understand the overwhelming feelings you are experiencing..... I am also very glad you have reached out at this point and are open-minded. To me I hear that part of life with your husband is difficlut and that he seems to be a bit controlling often people who need to control things do not believe in counceling....If he will not go with you go on your own sometimes the changes we can make in ourself will cause a change in those we love.

Being an adoptive parent--and especially a mother is sometimes so confusing when we start to think about the birthmother. There might always be a little fear that your daughter will grow up and cling to the birthmother and reject us--but by and large this is not what happens....most of our adopted children grow up and understand the unconditional love we give them has nothing to do with the relationship they want or need.

Keep in mind that you will be the mommy who kisses the boo-boos every day--who helps in the kindergarten class--who helps with homework and who is there every single night to tuck her into bed....this is how the mother/child relationship is built--It is the everyday things that our children will grow up to remember and that will build the bonds that cannot be broken.

Yes, during the teenage years you are likely to hear a lot of hateful words come from your child--as they start to exert their independance and sometimes our children will dig deep and pull out the weapon they know will hurt us most. In our case we should actually expect to hear a few words about the fact that our child is adopted....It is another arrow in the quiver...and it may be used. It WILL be used if we raise our children to know it is our waek spot--and it could be used over and over if they think it will get them what they want--BUT those years are still a very long way between you and your daughter.

Being honest with our children does not mean they must exactly understand what we are saying. So after years of research and doing things all sorts of different ways most experts would advise us NOT to lie about anything...no we cannot explaine every detail until certain ages--but we should be laying the foundation by letting our little ones know they have a birthmother and a growing up mother. Your daughter will be like many step-children adopted by a step parent and she will always have her father as the biological parent---and that is something she needs to know is very special.

It does not make me less because my child was born to another woman. It does not mean my child will automatically want the birthmother--while I know she will want to know why her eyes are the way they are---why her hair is curly or not I will still be the mom she sees and loves everyday.

I would try really hard to let go of the fear that your husband will want a relationship with the birthmother--sometimes the fear is a self fullfilling prophacy so please let go of that one. He is your husband and if a younger prettier woman is going to get him it does not have to be the birthmother--any younger prettier woman will do just fine. Try to stop seing the birthmother as the 'other woman'

I am sure that she might very well have some pain and issues over the fact that she placed her child with another mother. As hard as it really is her feelings are important...and some compassion on our part can go far---what she has done was difficult and she did so believing that she was offering YOU a gift. Paid or not it was still a wonderful thing for her to do.

Our children have aunts, and teachers, and friends and so many people in thier lives who care about them--and adopted child who has an open relationship with their birthmother is far less likely to make up stories that fantasize about their birthmothers--the mystery is gone when they are given the chance to know the birthmother--there is less anxiety and glamor when the birthmother has been in some kind of contact with the child---the need to search and find is not part of their lives-and our child will not suffer from the mystery of it all....it will simply become a part of their lives---a given--a fact and if they know this all along it will not be a surprise...one day it will simply make sense and just be part of life.

Would you mind if your mother were here and she paid your daughter a lot of attention? Would you mind if your sister--was part of your daughter's life? Not likely to be a problem...and you will most likely not mind the teachers--or friends of your family to be dear and loving to your daughter....so allowing her birthmother some contact should be viewed as another woman who loves your daughter dearly.

You are seeing things as a competition and it is easy to be feeling this way.....but, really when you are the mommy everyday--how could she really be?

I try very hard to always validate my daughters feelings for her mother....some of us amoms were not even able to pick our childs name out---to hold our baby before she could walk---or to even tell her when she took her first steps....or what she was like as a baby....and some of us will always have a child that remembers life when we were not their mommies.... The goal is about raising them to love and respect us....we don't own any child they all grow up and become adults....they all decide what is right for themselves and our desire is that we get to be part of their lives.

I am not a young mother this time around with my children and I also hate to point this out to you....but, there is a very big chance that you will not be here when your daughter becomes a mother....when she turns 30 and when she is a woman. It is hard for me to sometimes imagine my children after I am gone--but one thing does seem to give me hope deep inside....and that is that my daughter does have a yonger birthmother and maybe later when I am dead it will be the greatest blessing to her life... maybe there is a reason that I have been given this time to be the mommy and to let my daughter know of her birthmother because not very many people get the chance to have two mothers....it is sort of nice knowing that later there is a back-up for when my little girl has her daughter and needs some advice of the woman who is her birthmother.

My children have a drug using--abusive woman as their birthmother--a woman who was selfish and lost her children because she was not able to do what was needed in order to keep them.....every night My prayers include this woman--and my hope is that she finds herself in a situation of being there after I die--being ok from a life of losing four children all together. I would ask you to step out of yourself for now--and to know that the efforts you are making as the mommy everyday are what matters now---and done with love and unconditional selflessness your position in your childs life will be honored and cherished and remembered long after you leave this earth.... bite your pride and try to give your daughter something that so many adoptees do not have--a name and face to go along with the sotry and a few moments in her memory of a woman who acutally made the choice to let you be her mommy.