[heikkila]

My son's birthmom called last night to tell me that his birthfather is out of jail and is mouthing off to all his friends that he is going to see his son.

I am terrified of this guy. We only live 30 minutes from him and I don't know what to do. What if he shows up at my house? What if he hurts us or our son? What if he tries to take our son?

Please give me some suggestions. I really need help.

[tb1braswell]

does he have your personal information? was he "for" the adoption? did he see his sone before he went to jail? is this his attempt at closure or just macho bravado?

[heikkila]

He has never seen our son. His has a violent criminal record mostly related to the fact that he is not clean and sober.

I suspect it's a macho bravado thing. He was not "for" the adotpion, but signed voluntarily. He wanted the birthmom to parent, with no intention of helping her. He did not contest the adoption and yes he has our identifying information. He had only minor offenses 2 1/2 years ago so we entered an open adoption with both of them. At the time he asked for one picture after our son was born and then "disappeared".

But I feel like we need to be put in the witness protection program! I didn't sleep at all last night and I am really scared.

[EMEC]

First off, you should post this under the "professionals" forum and seek their advice. I am sure this is not uncommon. But some other information would be helpful. I assume the bfather knows you. Did the adoption involve an agency or a lawyer? If so call them immediately with this information. It also might behove you to call your local police and explain the situation to them and ask them if there are any precautuions you can take to ensure the safty of your child.

Get the low-down on his character if you don't have it already. Is he the type to really come after looking for his bio child, or he is the type to typically talk big and not measure up. Find out just how unstable of a person your dealing with from her, if you don't know already. If you do know and he is a total nut-job, Then on your call to the police, be sure to include this.

Keep thinking about the safty of your son. This will help YOU stay in control and focused without losing it. You will do what needs to be done for HIM.

Stay clear, Please let us know what happens. God Bless!

[tb1braswell]

I can't imagine what you're feeling as we've just started the ball rolling for adoption. At this point are your adoption professionals still involved? Can you contact them for advice or intervention? Or is it now up to you deal with?

I'll probaly catch some flack here but, please note I mean no disrespect to any birthparent who may read this (chaulk it up to my ignorance of the adoption process at this point) BUT, this is why I'm afraid of open adoption. I realize there are MANY successful relationships out there, I read of them everyday on this site. But how does one protect themselves and the child from this sort of craziness? I feel that the birthmothers know what they are doing in respect to the adoption and therefore are genuine in their efforts to place the child in a loving home. The birthfathers, the ones with something to prove, are the ones that we need to be wary of. Again, I know that not all of the BF's are immature, macho criminals but, what do you do if they think they can come back and solicit more money from you whenever the mood strikes? What recourse do we as adoptive parents have? How are we to protect ourselves and our child from this sort of behavior?

Again, it is with the utmost respect that I ask these questions.

[heikkila]

Ok- I called my agency (new social worker, though) and I told her to find him and call him. Maybe we can find out what his intentions really are here and work with him so he doesn't feel the need to do anything crazy.

He is unstable, but mainly because of his substance abuse - that's what causes him to act irresponsibly.

I am going to call the police, too.

Any other suggestions?

[bromanchik]

Was an agency involved? Do you have any contact with his extended family? Someone definately needs to have the "boundries discussion" with him. There are family mediators that will do this kind of thing.

[lucyjoy]

Call the police and attempt to get hold of his parole officer. Notify the police of his threat and see if it's enough for them to issue a restraining order. Notify the school to prevent the dad from seeing him there. Tell your son so he knows to be careful.

[tobeafamily]

I agree with LucyJoy - first, contact the police and give them as much information as you can about this guy. Second, find out who his PO is and contact them.

Be sure your son if he's old enough understands what's going on. If he's in school or daycare, inform his teachers, administrator, etc. of the situation.

Also make sure your neighbors and any neighborhood watch are aware, not in a frightening way but in a 'keep an eye out' way.

If he isn't 'all talk' then maybe the fact that you move quickly and cover all the avenues will deter him.

Lastly, you might consider taking a forward stance - contact him first (or have your attorney contact him), ask him what he'd like, and see what you can do to work things out. If you decide to meet him, do it in a safe way - i.e. in a public place, in your attorney or agency office, etc. Make it 100% crystal clear that if he makes one threatening move, statment, etc, then you will close the adoption for your son's safety.

Our neighbors are raising their grandson (legal guardians, this is not an adoption). Their grandchild's father is violent but has supervisied visitation. They meet in the airport beyond the screeners (after new security came in, they made arrangements with the TSA to do this as a special agreement) so that he would be checked for weapons each time.

HTH, hang in there,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[heikkila]

Just got done talking to the police. They will watch and do what they can. Contacting his parole officer is a good idea, I might look into that.

I am still thinking our best bet is to get in touch with him through the agency and determine what his intentions are and set some boundaries set up with him. Kind of a "preemptive strike".

I am just so jittery and sick feeling today I can't think straight.

I did tell our daycare provider, and our son is too young to understand much - only 2 1/2.

My husband is checking into home security systems. Anyone with suggestions there? (He is also checking into a job transfer, but I don't feel like WE should have to move!)

[tobeafamily]

RE: Home security systems - if his crimes are breaking/entering types, and he's had a lot of experience, they may not do a whole lot.

If however he's a junkie and a bad criminal, then they do wonders. Junkies tend to be clumsy and don't think things through. Brinks' has a very good system - get one with perimeter alarms on all windows, doors, and motion detectors on the first floor of your house.

Many police departments will also come out as a courtesy and do a 'safety review' on your house for free, pointing out any areas of vunerability (bushes, poor exterior lighting, wood garage or entry doors, etc.) You might want to ask about that.

The LAST thing you want to do though is let him sense that you're terrified. Some criminals feed off that fear, and can actually make it worse than if you take a firm, calm approach. If you suddenly pull up stakes, change your phone #, get a restraining order, etc. without him ever making direct contact with you, then you may unintentionally make it worse.

HTH,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[dadfor2]

just want to point out that just because he got out of jail, dosnt mean that he is on probation or has a parole officer.

if he did the time...then he might not have one.

can you be more specific with what the police said. I would march down to a court house and get a restraining order on him if the police arent helping you.

due to confidentiality, chances are they cant tell you much about him. Not sure what his legal issues, and if he is dangerous.

not all people with legal issues are dangerous.

how is the relationship with the birth mother? can she help you with what his issues are...she is not bound by confidentiality.

but again, if your freaking out, which i assume you are, that you are thinking of moving, then i would get a restraining order.

why take the chance....

is your son per adoptive or adopted and legally yours?

if he is legally yours, then i would just go to court...if not, then you might have to go through the agency.

i am sorry this happening to you, its very unsettling. keep us posted....


dadfor2

[sasharedmond]

I would contact the local police, and let them know what is going on so they have a head's up so if you need to call them in an emergency they will know the whole story

[heikkila]

Yes, our son is legally adopted and the 2 year statute of limitation on legal action for our case is over (just in February, thank the Lord!)

I believe he is on parole with a 10 year suspended sentence. (did I mention that he is not a real nice guy)

The police encouraged me not to handle any contact with him by myself. If he comes to my house or call, I am to call them immediately.


I really hope we can get this resolved. I can't go one for days and weeks thinking someone is after us.

[dadfor2]

ok, this is what can happen...i am a social worker for inmates, so i kinda of have an idea of how the courts work.

your probably not going to like some of the information im about to give you.

first, if he is not a sexual offender..then due to his rights you wont be able to find out anything about him.

the police are busy....but im sure they will keep an eye out..but i wouldnt put to much stock in it.

your complaint is heresay....(remember im giving you the facts), so there really isnt much you can legally do....

however, its best to get as educated as you can be. what i would do in this situation...

i would talk to birth mom...is she a reliable scource? and find out what kind of car he drives...do you have a picture of him? if not, ask her for one.

i would try to find out what court he is paroled out of..chances are its where he is living...probation is different.

with parole, he cannot do anything wrong in 10 yrs with a suspended sentence....so say bye bye if he does.

also, i would go to the court that he is paroled out of and if you cant find that, then go to the court house in your neighborhood and go to the clerks office and see if there is anything you can do.....

i doubt there is any thing you can do until he does something, but you never know. can you have birth mom in writing state what the birth father said?

try to get as much information, im sure the police will probably drive aroud your house, but again, they cant do anything until he does something wrong.

he is on parole...so thats in your favor...

very scarey, my heart goes out to you and your family...and no, you shouldnt move...that riduculous.....but i would go buy the alarms......it doesnt hurt and might give you some peace of mind

dadfor2