[Nicole28]

I have been searching for my birthmom for a little over a year now, and I have informed my adoptive parent's of this. I waited until I moved away for college to really start an intense search because I knew I would be able to search without my parent's questioning me or finding out. In the beginning, I didn't feel like I needed to tell them - it isn't any of their business, informing them would not change anything, they'll have a bad reaction, whatever. As time went on, I wondered how things would be different if I had shared what I was doing with them. Would I have their support? Do they have information that I don't know about? Could they help me out at all? Part of me feels like I am being incredibly dishonest by not sharing this with them, but another part of me is afraid that it would create a lot of negativity and jeopardize our relationship. (Since I went to college, my relationship with both parent's has improved - my mom is my best friend, and I talk much more with my dad now.) I am not even really sure what I would tell them! I am wondering what adoptive parent's think of this dilemma, and if you have any advice or ideas of how I could approach "the conversation."

Nicole

[sunnysideup]

Have you had conversations about your birth parents? Any adoptive parent has thought about when the child will ask. I am sure they will support what ever you feel you need to do.

I have a folder for my daughter all set for when she asks for information. I have no intentions of hiding anything from her that I know. I feel to hide it would make her not trust me. So tell your parents of your need to find your birth parents. Talk about it, tell them what you need and maybe even ask what they need...maybe you both will be suprised.

Good Luck

[Nicole28]

I don't feel that it is that simple. I don't even know how to start the initial conversation!

[shirleyville]

Nicole,
You are significantly younger than I am -- 20 years older -- and I think things today are a whole different ballgame than they were back in my day....God, I feel ancient all of the sudden!
I am an enormous advocate of honesty....and the lack thereof in my a-family, with regard to my adoption is the reason I am so adament about being open and honest.
Having said that, however, I will tell you that I have, in the last year and a half, located my entire maternal birthfamily, living in the same community that both my parents and myself live in, and I have never said a word.
My parents are in their 70's. I was adopted during the height of the secrets and lies era of adoption, and I can honestly say that I have never even heard my parents say the word "birthmother", in almost 40 years. They made it clear to me, even as a small child that they wanted nothing to do with discussions of my "origins". They proclaimed time and time again that they had no information about "her" (meaning my birthmother), which I found out last year was a total lie. Clearly, they are uncomfortable (to the point of paranoia) about the entire deal, and I see no reason to clue them in to the fact that not only do I KNOW my birthfamily, but they are LIVING HERE !!! I would have to call the paramedics to have them on stand-by if I told them that my birthmom's sister wallpapered their whole house a few years ago!!!
I have a good friend of mine, who is also adopted -- also in the 60's. She witnessed what happened when her adopted sister located her birthparents -- her parents came unglued -- so when she reunited with her birthmom, she kept the situation from her parents for over a year before she finally told them. Her birthmom was coming for a visit, and her parents had recently moved to the same area, so she thought she would share the occasion with them. It was her fondest wish to have her parents meet her birthmom, and it seemed like good timing. When she told them, they were awful! They refused to meet with the woman....never inquired about the visit....and have never mentioned the revelation again.
It's hard to explain, but things back then were different. AParents were advised that "knowing too much" would be psychologically harmful to adoptees and that they should be raised as if nothing had ever happened. It's hard to change that kind of mindset.
Since you are so young, I would imagine that your parents would be more "enlightened" and more "accepting". If you want to share the search with them, I suggest you do so....you know what is in your heart, and you know what feels best to you.
I know it's hard....BOY.....do I know!
Take your time and when you feel the time is right, you will know. It's not something you have to rush!
Hugs,
Sally

[Olivias~mom]

Originally posted by Nicole28
I don't feel that it is that simple. I don't even know how to start the initial conversation!

I think honesty is simple- we as humans complicate it.

Did you guys talk about your birth family growing up? Maybe if it was not talked about you could first bring it up in casual conversation...like asking them what they were like? Did they meet them? Maybe that might work??

Just like Olivias mom I will make sure my daughter knows she was adopted and we will welcome her birth family into our relationship. What would devistate me is for her to be mad because I hid the past from her.

Maybe start out with small questions and work from there. The fact you have not told your mom and dad tells me maybe adoption was not an open subjuect in your home growing up?

Things my husband and I talked over before adopting were the reality that we were not the bio parents and we had to embrace that somehow. We also agreed if the child asked we would tell them what info we had.

In the last 7 months we have left a paper trail that should help quite a bit if our daughter wants to find her bio parents.

Good luck

[Xanny]

We are adopting internationally, which is probably closer to your situation than current-day domestic adoption. I have to tell you that, while we plan to be perfectly open with our daughter about the fact that she was [will be] adopted, we won't have much information to share.

However, if I know something potentially hurtful, I won't bring it up. I don't want to say anything negative about her birthmother unless I have to. I also probably won't tell her specifics about her birthmother (I can anticipate having a name and address, at most) unless she asks. But if my daughter comes to me at your age and tells me she wants to search, I will give her everything I have, and I will support her.

My point is, it's entirely likely that your parents have SOME information about your birthparents. Maybe it's not more than you've been able to find, but maybe it is. And maybe in an effort to protect you, they have kept it all somewhere safe, waiting for the day you'll ask about it.

Also, my mother is my best friend, too, and I know how much it hurts to keep something like this from her. If you're like me, you'll feel better having it in the open, even if it means having an argument, than you feel now, keeping the secret.

You know in your heart whether it's a good idea to bring this up right now. Listen to your heart.

Best wishes,

Xanny

[Opus]

Hi Nicole,

My kids are still very young but my wife and I have always been open with them.
We will provide them with whatever they need (which is very little in our son's case, our daughter's is semi open situation) to search for their birth families. And we will assist them however we can. I would hope that either one of our kids would feel comfortable approaching us regarding their birth families.

It sounds like you are very close to your mom. Maybe the next time you're home from school, you should sit her down and explain to her what you plan on doing and why you are doing it. Emphasize that this will never change your relationship with her or your dad. If that works out, you can then approach your dad.

I'm really sorry this is such a source of anxiety for you and your family. It is completely OK for you to want to know your biological origins. I think deep down inside your parents know that, too.

[daisyjen]

I know I'm not a birthmom, but maybe you want a similar perspective to yourself. You are going through the same thing I went through. Before I was 21 (i'm 24 now) I looked into searching because I couldn't face asking my adoptive parents about it. My mom occasionally would try to talk to me about things and I would kind of shut her out because it was uncomfortable. Last year I checked again into searching and even got all the paperwork and still didn't do anything. I'm getting married in two months and a few weeks ago my mom brought up the comment about whether or not I wondered about her now that I'm getting married. I said yes and she encouraged me into looking more seriously. She is not one to normally bring things up either. Finally today, I called the agency and have taken the first step into doing something. Your parents may surprise you. Casually mention something and you could find yourself opening up to them. Don't drag your feet as long as I did...i totally regret it! Good luck to whatever you do though...

[love4]

I am an adoptive mom and my daughter not only found her birthparents, but she moved in with them and will not contact me. You don't understand. I don't see any adoptive mom in reunion here so many of you do not understand that it is just as emotional for us as it is for you. It is the most scariest time in our lives. The fear is agonizing. My worst fears came true. My daughter has little contact with us. She cannot have two relationships going at a time. My heart is broken and rejection is hard to swallow. It is easier for my daughter to be angry at me so she can go on her way and live with her b/parents. I did everything for my daughter and I was very supportive (even through my pain). I was angry, and hurt and devastated. I was always going to be very supportive and I gave my girls all the info they needed. I was going to help them. When your kids are small it seems so wonderful to be supportive. Nothing prepares you for the actual reunion. My daughter is so absorbed in her birthparents that she doesn't have time for us. She missed our birthdays, mothers day and fathers day. I have a deep love for my girls and my life was spent around them. Everything was planned around them. I wasn't perfect but I was good enough.
I never felt good enough because my daughter was so angry at feeling rejected that she took everything out on me. She thought I stole her at one time. I was there for her in all her pains and anger. I cried at night for her because she had a missing piece I COULD NOT FILL. I was just not enough for her.
Please don't be angry at adoptive moms. They are scared. They have feelings that come out in anger. I have worked through much of my anger thanks to many friends. I have met her birthparents and all my anger and fears melted. But they walked out on me. I wanted a friendship with all. I do not represent the system. I did not take anyone's child from them. If I would have known that my daughter's mom wanted desperately to keep her child I would have rather helped her than have her hurt so much. Please don't be angry at me for being scared. My worst fears happened. I feel rejected and alone. Embrace your adoptive mom and help ease her fears. Don't go behind her back. Even if she is angry, allow her to work through it. My daughter went behind my back thinking she would spare me but in reality it hurt me more. I feel like her birthparents think I was a bad mom to have her walk out on me like that. I wasn't a bad mom. I loved. An adoptive mom has a right to her emotions just as an adoptive child and birthmom. If she remains angry than that is her choice and she will probably lose. At least you did the right thing. love4