[Becky722]

We adopted our son in January in a semi open adoption through an attorney. I spent 2 weeks before the birth in a hotel nearby getting to know them; felt close to the birthmom but the birthdad was tricky - very manipulative and fond of painkillers. We got through the waiting period and came home with our wonderful son. We did not get chance to say goodby to the birthdad - he had been arrested directly after our son's birth: I googled him on internet and found a Wanted Notice for him and the birthmom! Now 2 months later - the birthmom and I have continued to be in touch via our 800 line and she told me that he is may be released shortly from jail and that upon his release they are determined to come to our state to visit and say good-bye to our son. Our lawyer and facilitator say absolutely not - my husband says - 'he didn't get to say good-by because he was a criminal, it wasn't as though he had the flu." I can't help it - I am frightened - it doesn't feel like a loving impluse it feels like a threat. I would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you all.

[3girls1boy]

Have they terminated their rights? This does sound like something that would make me nervous.

[eek40]

What a uncomfortable situation. I think it might be ok for him to say goodbye, without him doing that he may never have peace with his decision, even if he isnt the best of persons. Also it doesnt sound like he is trying to contest the adoption in anyway, just wants closure, perhaps if this was in a supervised situation? I dont know its tough, but it will be one more thing you can provide your new son, that meeting, with pictures for later, as an adoptee ANYTHING is important that you have.
Aimee

[foreverbaby]

I agree. Maybe this is his way, of closing the situation. If.. all parental rights have been signed over, then..w/ supervised visit, let him say good-bye. just my opinion. Good Luck.

[Becky722]

Yes their rights have been terminated - adoption will be finalized within the next 3 months. I think the fear comes from the idea of the BD being led away in handcuffs, their 'poster' on the internet after having spent several weeks with them before the birth. Maybe the fear is in part anger - that they lied to us about their situation, and may be continuing to do so - I just don't know.

[3girls1boy]

I still understand even with tpr, you don't feel you can trust them. Isn't there a neutral place with someone you can trust can be with you for a brief meeting? However if your sw is advising against this maybe you should trust them. Are you truly in a dilemna or is your gut leaning one way or another? This is a quandry.

[Becky722]

I think the quandry for me is that we choose open adoption (this is our second adoption) with birthmothers who respected and understood our desire to gather information for our sons for their future. But in this case I don't feel as though the BD's desire to visit is motivated by his interest in our son - and I guess this may be the 'nut' of the matter - that the more we learn about him the more we feel that we have to shield from our son. That is not what my intention or my experience has been in an open adoption. There is also the tricky issue of how they would pay the significant cost to get out here and stay in an hotel. We have been supporting the Birthmother since early December (our support ends this month) and it is our understanding that they have absolutely nothing. Will this mean that they will resort to criminal activity to raise the money to come out here - will this become part of their story?

[3girls1boy]

Is there a chance that you could travel to where they are? I have an open adoption, I feel fortunate that I have never faced your decision. Would it be more comfortable at a later date? Are you planning on going face to face contact, or just letters and pictures? Maybe you could let them know the trip would be on their dime instead of yours.

[Becky722]

Hi - I did offer that idea and she was not very receptive (one reason why this doesn't feel like a genuine impulse to see our son but rather a way to get away from creditors, dealer, etc)
It might have to be a later date as he is still in jail waiting for trial. The birthmom is talking about the trip as though they would pay but we can't figure out how they could raise the money legally as they have been completely dependent on us for rent, food, medical, etc. We had agreed to letters and pictures so having them visit is not part of our agreement. Our support and the 800# end this month which will help lessen my feelings of vulnerbility. In truth the birthdad scares me. I never felt in our first adoption that we had 'saved' our child - he was our salvation. However in this case it feels as though we pulled our baby son our of a sinking ship and the emotional backlash is that in considering such a visit we feel as though our whole family is being pulled back onto that sinking ship.

[3girls1boy]

If this were birthparents without all these criminal complications, I would say they want to see where you live. I would think this is not uncommon for bparents, to be able to picture where their baby is. I would again offer to come where they are when he is out of jail. Stand firm on that, but perhaps increase contact on stuff you are comfortable with, phone calls, letters, pictures. Let them know you haven't forgotten them, and are seriously going to honor your committment to open adoption, but you do have boundaries. Have you thought this is the bmom that really wants to visit, maybe she is just using the bdad as an excuse. If you had a good 2 weeks she probably feels bonded to you some. Plus undoubtedly, she misses that baby. This is still in the intense time for her, I am sure the grieving influences how she sees things.

[Aneni]

Dear Becky,

If you were to put the best possible spin on the birthfather's intentions, here is an arrangement to consider for your peace of mind:

1. Agree to meet them in a neutral place, preferably in your attorney's or facilitator's office, but definitely with a third party present.
2. Place a time limit on the visit, e.g. no more than two hours. (Make sure that's understood before they leave on their trip.)
3. Use a borrowed or rented car to drive to the site.
4. Arrange for the third party to remain at the meeting place with the birthparents until you have left the site (so they cannot follow you).

Requests for traveling or other funds can be met with a firm but polite no: "I'm sorry; we're not in a position to be able to do that."

Hope this is helpful,

[Renda]

Becky,

It seems the right thing to do is let him say his goodbyes, as he is the childs father, and one meeting to finish things off would seem the fair thing to do, that way you can rest knowing that you did the right thing bye everyone.
It would have to be in the right environment of course, where you feel comfortable, so it can be done the best way possible.

What you dont want one day, is a situation if your child ever wishes to trace his father, that he can turn round and say you denied him the right to say goodbye.

I wish you a happy future for you and your family,

Regards,

Renda

(adoptee)

[cathy102]

I read your post a few times and then all the people that replied. I know I will get responses back on this one. Your Attorney said not to do it. That is why we pay them. There is NO WAY I would put my son through this Sorry, but the birthdad is the one that got arrested. That's not your problem. You said that he was waiting for a trial. I have a 3 1/2 month old son and there is no way I would let his birthfather see him right now if he got arrested. We all make choices in life and we have to pay for what we do..

It's not like you don't want the birthfamily to see your son. But it doesn't seem like a safe idea to me. Maybe one day in the future when things calm down, you can make some kind of arrangement.

Everyone here seems to think it's a good idea for the visit but I don't. Your not being mean for keeping the baby from them. Your thinking of the safty of your family.. Their situation just isn't safe in my eyes...What if he brought a gun??? What in the heck would you do??? I just wouldn't trust someone that has or is doing drugs..

Do they know where you live? Just curious?

I wish you luck..Please let us know how things go..

Cathy

[3girls1boy]

Cathy does have a point. I never considered the gun thing. I was thinking you could call all the circumstances to the point you felt comfortable. The other thing is if you already set the expectation there would be no face to face visits, that is something you should stick to. If you ever decide to see them it should be because you all feel comfortable with being more open. To put a less ominous spin on this I really do think it could be hard for them to really let go, and they want to see the baby again. I think thats pretty natural for bparents. Hopefully they will clean up their lives someday, maybe then you could open the door to another visit.

[cathy102]

I hated writing that the birthfather possibly could have a gun, but why take the chance?? the Adoptive family got to spend a few weeks with them and they got to see the birthfather acting weird..

It just doesn't make any sense why the birthmom don't want you to go to their area??

I would just let things cool down and then take it from there..

Cathy