[yasta]

Hello all, I posted a couple of months back about doing an independent adoption because I very dissatified with the adoption fees since we last adopted our two sons 8 and 6 years ago respectively.

Well I went to the U.S. 1 1/2 weeks ago and one of my cousins called me while I was visitng my mother and asked me if my husband and I would adopt her unborn child!! Yes, this child will be related to me.

I was so nervous, I lost the contact number. Our families are very supportive. The baby is due August 8th. We feel so blessed.

My only concerns are:

1. Getting her and the baby prenatal care. She is moving near my mother and the rest of the family tomorrow. My mother and sister said they will find her a good doctor.

2. How does relative adoption works ? Does the child calls it's biological mom the same as my sons would call her ? Cousin "Lisa"?

I still may use an agency for an identified adoption, so the paperwork would go smoothly or a private lawyer that is versed in family law.

Any advice would be appreciated

Yasta

November 03- decided to adopt
January 04- decided to go independent
Febuary 15 04- Started homestudy
Febuary 28- Matched with birthmother
Baby due - August 8th

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by yasta

My only concerns are:

2. How does relative adoption works ? Does the child calls it's biological mom the same as my sons would call her ? Cousin "Lisa"?

No. Because her primary relationship to the child would not be as a cousin but as a birthmom. Her role as the child's birthmom needs to be respected first and foremost.

Is "Lisa" getting any counseling. While it is an independant adoption, she still needs counseling and education if this is really going to work for everyone, especially the child. Where does your mom live? I might know someone good in the area.


Also, where will the adoption be finalized? In most states you will need a homestudy. Where do you live outside the US? Legally I am not sure how that works. I do know you will not be able to travel outside the US withou a finalized adoption. They are getting really strict about that.

Also, where is the birthfather in all this? He is obviously someone who needs to be considered.

[katieb31323]

wow yasta how exciting and nerve wracking at the same time.

Sounds like a good move that she is moving closer to family members that will support her.

I agree with bromanchick about the counseling! Identified adoption might be a great way to go for support and conseling for everyone.

As for what to call her, maybe just Lisa for everyday acknowledgement and as the child grows so will the understanding.

Good luck!!
Kathy

[yasta]

Brenda,

Thank you for your comments, because this will be our first open adoption , unlike our sons' adoptions which went from semi to close ( unfortunate for us due to birthmothers desires). I agree,her role as the biological mother will be different and should not be seen as "cousin Lisa"

Also, where will the adoption be finalized? In most states you will need a homestudy. Where do you live outside the US? Legally I am not sure how that works. I do know you will not be able to travel outside the US withou a finalized adoption. They are getting really strict about that.

Yes, you can finalize while living outside the U.S. We did it twice with our two sons. We've lived overseas since 9/95 (we are a military family). Our eldest was 2 1/2 months old. We did it again 2 1/2 years later when we picked up our second son (we used the same agency). We lived in Spain the entire time. How? Because it would be a financial hardship, the Florida Judge allowed us not to appear in person. The military lawyer swore us in via the telephone and the finalization action was completed twice .

We are now living in Japan and hopefully the Judge will be merciful and not have has fly home for a five minute hearing. The only difference is we are using a different agency and this adoption will take place in Georgia vice Florida.

I guess if they can do marriages via the telephone, adoptions can be done also.

The court mailed us our papers in the mail.

You are correct, we do plan to make sure she have counselling. I am seriously thinking of using Open Door Adoption Agency since they are a reputable full service agency and near my family.

Lastly, the father? No problem, just another story which will be handled thru the proper channels.

Is there a particular book, I can buy her ? She has requested prenatal books but, in addition to that I want to give her something regarding birth mother and their choices.

Thank you,

Yasta

November 03- decided to adopt
January 04- decided to go independent
Febuary 15 04- Started homestudy
Febuary 28- Matched with birthmother
Baby due - August 8th

[amom4life]

Yasta,
CONGRATULATIONS!!
Judy

[bromanchik]

Yasta, e-mail me at brenr@openadoptioninsight.org. I am not allowed to recommend books on this forum.

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by bromanchik
I am not allowed to recommend books on this forum.

Brenda,
Anyone is more than welcome to recommend books on this forum. The only exception is if an authur is trying to self promote. What books would you recommend?
JJ

[yasta]

because I would have to open a yahoo account just to get those book recommendations (from you) that I really need.

Thanks,


Yasta

[ddhuab]

You can probably go to Brenda's website and get info to call her in order to get recommendations, or couldn't you use the pm feature?

Just a suggestion,
D.

[yasta]

I tried to PM her, but her account doesn't recieve pm messages.

Yasta

[3girls1boy]

Yasta
I have 2 adopted children ( as well as 2 birth children). One of my children was adopted from a relative, one in an open adoption through an agency. My son through a relative has been 10 times more complicated. My best friend also adopted her niece's son. It has also been complicated. My advise would be to really sit down together with birthmother and birthfather and work out exactly how the relationship is going to work. Think of every scenerio possible and discuss it. Then when you agree, write it down, just so you can all refer to it later on. Because no matter how great everything seems now, it may change once that baby is born. My friend and I have both experienced this. Birthparents wanted very limited contact before birth, but had resentment about it after baby was born. Also check out how extended family is going to react. I know mine often feels caught in the middle. My oldest daughter's adoption has been one of the joys of my life, and I am glad I experienced it first. This adoption can work with your cousin, I think it will just take knowledge, patience and faith. I wish you and your baby all the best.
Lisa

[amom4life]

JJ,
I think Brenda said she couldn't recommend books here because she was going to recommend some of her own so that would be aganist the forums policy of an author promoting his/her own work.
Judy

[ddhuab]

Look at the e-mail address she posted in her message. In your web brower, put www. instead of the "bromanchick@"

You can probably get some insight from the site as well as from the suggested reading lists there.

Good luck!

D.

[Support2Adopt]

Originally posted by amom4life
JJ,
I think Brenda said she couldn't recommend books here because she was going to recommend some of her own so that would be aganist the forums policy of an author promoting his/her own work.
Judy

That is correct. No one can recommend books they have personally written, but I'm sure with Brenda's backround there are other books she could recommend which would be very beneficial to posters here.
JJ

[bromanchik]

There are two books I would recommend to expectant parents considering adoption (in addition to my own). The Open Adoption Experience (there's a section on kinship adoption) and Pregnant? Adoption is and Option.