[MaireG]

I am desperately hoping to adopt a child internationally. I am asingle woman, 31, a Christian with a special needs biological son whom I have raised happily since birth (he is now thriving, gets good grades and is very involved with our church youth group). I have a steady job that pays very well in Real Estate, a nice, large (rented) house in a child-friendly neighborhood and a tremendous desire to have another child or children to love. I never met the right man after my divorce many years ago and I do not believe in becoming pregnant out of wedlock.

Five years ago, before I was a Christian, I got involved with a man and was living with him in an abusive relationship. When I tried to leave, he hit me and then claimed i hit him which I did not.
He had me arrested but he later admitted the charges were false
(in writing). The case went to court but the state declined to prosecute.

Do I need to disclose this since everything was dropped? Will it show up on any background checks-FBI etc.?? I would rather not discuss this horrible event in my life with a social worker or anyone else unless I have to. If there is a record, is there a way to get it expunged? I have been hesitating to start the home study because I don't know how to handle this. The adoption agency I am working with only asked about convictions, not arrest's. Does a false arrest need to be disclosed? I know I can be a great parent (again) to the child or children I hope to adopt.
Please help! Mary

[BrandyHagz]

Mary,

The rule of thumb when dealing with the home study worker is, be honest...embarrassingly honest.

Also, in regards to criminal background checks, I've heard the following said, "If they took your picture and your prints, then you'll need to explain"

Its better to be embarrassed by bringing it up, than it is to be ashamed and embarrassed by it being discovered in the background check...at which point they may question your honesty throughout the entire study.


Good luck!

[spaypets]

You also need to discuss this incident because of the domestic violence aspect of it. You will be asked if you've been abused and you should be honest and describe how you overcame the abuse and never let it happen again. It may be painful, but if they found out you've kept something from them, you will torpedo your chances.

[MaireG]

Originally posted by BrandyHagz
Mary,

The rule of thumb when dealing with the home study worker is, be honest...embarrassingly honest.

Also, in regards to criminal background checks, I've heard the following said, "If they took your picture and your prints, then you'll need to explain"

Its better to be embarrassed by bringing it up, than it is to be ashamed and embarrassed by it being discovered in the background check...at which point they may question your honesty throughout the entire study.


Good luck!

I feel that what happened then has nothing to do with who I am today. I left this man Immediately after I realized he was abusive (which is why he retaliated against me). I have not yet been asked about arrest's, just convictions. I don't think I am willing to open up this aspect of my past to anyone even if it means there is a chance I will not be allowed to adopt-it would simply be too painful (I am not worried about it being embarassing). Also, I feel it gives the completely wrong impression of who I really am today. Are some countries more lenient then other's in terms of asking about your record (i.e. is it sufficient for some homestudy agencies and some countries that you simply have no convictions?) If not, do I have any other adoption options (for instance an "older" or "special needs" child in the US?) I would really appreciate any help or advice that anyone could offer. Dying to be an adoptive MOM.

[spaypets]

In order to adopt internationally from ANYWHERE you will have to have fingerprints done and run through the FBI's database. It's federal law. If you were arrested, those records are likely to come up.

When we finalized our adoption, our state required us to be fingerprinted again. And again, it's possible that the arrest record might come up under those circumstances.

I have to say, that the fact that you are unwilling to discuss this episode to the point of torpedoing your plans and dreams is troubling. You should be proud that you were smart enough to know the signs of abuse and strong enough to leave. Rather than continue to give the abuser more of a hold over you, why not just discuss this as an unfortunate episode? I'm sure this relationship helped formed your decision to become a Christian.

Certainly, I'm willing to speak with pride about times I realized I was headed in the wrong direction and righted myself quickly. We've all dated people only to discover that they had major character flaws. I see no reason to be ashamed of an error in judgement that was rectified and regretted. The fact that this episode is still too painful to discuss, seems to being giving it great power and contradicts your assertion that it has little bearing on who you are today.

In our home study, we had to discuss a million things that we would never talk about with even our nearest and dearest. It's a horrible invasion of privacy. But we were willing to go through it all because we wanted to be parents.

[Xanny]

It is not the foreign countries that will be the biggest problem. The thing is, when you apply for international adoption, you are also applying to make a foreign national into a US citizen (that's what the I600 is about). Immigration (now the Department of Homeland Security) will check you out to see if you are likely to be a fit parent and not disrupt this adoption, which would cause your child (now a US citizen) to become a burden to the State.

The US is also making a claim to the foreign country that their citizen will not be harmed by becoming a US citizen. Every time an internationally adopted child is abused or killed, it can cause a problem with international relations, not just with adoption. So the US does thorough background checks through the FBI on everyone who applies for an I600.

I think that if you want to pursue adoption, you're going to have to open up about this with SOMEONE--at least your agency--or take the risk that you could get all the way to the end and not be able to adopt. And if you did, you'd still have to live the lie throughout four post-adoption visits with the social worker.

This is a tough decision for you. I can certainly understand why you don't want to rehash this experience. But I think it would be a huge risk to pursue international adoption without disclosing this information.

If you wanted to try domestic adoption, it's a little less risky, since you'd find out what was in your record by the end of the homestudy. That's just a couple of months and around $1000 or less. But domestic adoption is a different kettle of fish, so you might want to ask questions on one of those boards before you dive in.

Best wishes,

Xanny

[Sienna3]

Maire,
It sounds like your homestudy agency is separate from your placing agency. That is how my situation is too. I am surprised that the placing agency did not ask in their application if you have any arrests too. My agency wanted to know arrests, convictions or criminal records, and the date and circumstances if so. My homestudy agency application also asked whether we had been arrested ever or had a history of domestic violence.

Those questions will be covered during the homestudy even if not on the application. Agencies also are concerned in general about domestic violence because of the emotional issues that follow and they do want clients to have current, stable emotional health and have worked through any past issues.Keep in mind that the homestudy will require a few character references too. Some agencies have references complete questionnaires or phone them, etc. Your past issues may surface from this as well as from fingerprinting.You do not want to be caught in a lie.

You asked if it would be different if you pursued US foster care placement. No, the homestudy would still cover the aspects of domestic violence and past arrests.

[MaireG]

[quote]Originally posted by Sienna3
[b]Maire,
It sounds like your homestudy agency is separate from your placing agency. That is how my situation is too. I am surprised that the placing agency did not ask in their application if you have any arrests too. My agency wanted to know arrests, convictions or criminal records, and the date and circumstances if so. My homestudy agency application also asked whether we had been arrested ever or had a history of domestic violence.

Those questions will be covered during the homestudy even if not on the application. Agencies also are concerned in general about domestic violence because of the emotional issues that follow and they do want clients to have current, stable emotional health and have worked through any past issues.Keep in mind that the homestudy will require a few character references too. Some agencies have references complete questionnaires or phone them, etc. Your past issues may surface from this as well as from fingerprinting.You do not want to be caught in a lie.


I have numerous excellent refrences, none of whom are aware of what happened in my past (that I was involved with someone very briefly who I left immediately after he became abusive and that the man retaliated by telling lies about me-primarily so he could try to stay in our apartment) I really have no "history" of domestic violence. In fact I have not been in a "relationship" with anyone for over 4 years nor do I have any plans to be unless God sent the right one along. Do you think this is the kind of situation that could be explained to a home-study worker? What about the INS. Can they turn down my application even if my home study is approved? I have filled out the INS petition for Advance Processing of an Orphan but no where on it was there a question about past arrest's. I have previously been cleared to work at a daycare center after the incident-nothing turned up on my record. Is there any way to find out ahead of time what my fingerprints will turn up, if anything? Are there any attorney's I can consult to get this unfair "record" expunged ?(cost is a consideration but not completely prohibitive.) I hate to think that the lies of one disturnbed person years ago could prevent me from adopting when I have so much to offer a child or children.

[Sienna3]

Maire,
I think you could explain it to the social worker and she would understand that this was one incident in the past and that incident was resolved appropriately. My concern for you was that you said you were unwilling to talk at all about it and it could come up in the criminal check or through your references and the social worker would wonder why you hadn't informed her of it.

I believe you could run a local criminal check on yourself-it probably would involve completing some paperwork in your city or county government office and and paying a small fee. I don't know if you could predict what the FBI clearance will say.

Dept. of Homeland Security (BCIS, formerly INS) will review your homestudy (that would include discussions of arrests) with your I600A application before they give you the I-171H. Sorry,I don't have the knowledge to speculate on how they would view your circumstance.

[amom4life]

Maire,
The bottom line is that you need to come clean with your past and not lie by omission. If the scenario went as you stated with this past realtionship then you really don't have anything to worry about. You made a mistake you made healthy changes. I think anyway.

I have to agree with SpayPets that it is a concern that this incident still affects you to the point where you'd rather not go through with your plan to adopt then share it. It makes me wonder if maybe you don't have a lot more you need to work through before bringing another child into your family.

I had some things in my past that were very painful to have to relive again but it was worth it to me to be a parent to go through it.

You keep asking for ways to get around dealing with your past but I don't think there is any. Adoptive parents go through very intensive background checks. As someone else here mentioned it's better they hear it from you then to find out later through these checks.

Keep in mind that what you tell the SW is confidental. Our SW told us no one would see our homestudy except for him, the agency, and our facilitator. So it's not like they are going to go shout your story from the roof tops or put it in the headlines.

I don't think a mistake in your past like the one you mention will cause you to not be allowed to adopt. And these things show the SW how you deal with hard challanges in life and how you have grown as a result. There's nothing wrong with that.
Judy

[DianeS]

MaireG,

You are in the police database as having been arrested. There isn't any way to erase that. Some people will try to get your money and "expunge" your record - but the fact is you have no record of anything except an arrest. They cannot do anything about that.

This will show up when they do a background check. It will show up as exactly what it is - an arrest without a conviction. If you were fingerprinted or photographed, it will show up in multiple places.

You can explain it to your social worker beforehand, so it looks like you're being honest and above-board and have nothing to hide. OR, you can explain it to your social worker afterwards, so it looks like you are lying by omission, have things to hide, and make her wonder what else you won't admit to until she finds evidence of it. You are FAR more likely to be denied if you follow that second route. And once one homestudy agency denies you, it is incredibly difficult to find another that will approve you, because they will all doubt your honesty since you weren't up front with the first one.

In an earlier post you said " I feel that what happened then has nothing to do with who I am today." But the more energy and time you spend trying to deny what happened, the more you are finding your life defined by what happened. It has a lot to do with who you are today - a person so worried about the past that you can't bring yourself to be honest with others about it.

You're here, explaining this situation to a bunch of complete strangers who are telling you we understand. Yet you think a social worker wouldn't understand. Social workers are human, too. For all you know, some of us could be social workers in real life. They're not horrid beasts who want to deny everybody.

Social workers *want* people to be able to adopt. They wouldn't have jobs if people couldn't adopt. They aren't looking for perfect people - there are no such things. They're looking for decent citizens, who are honest about their pasts and what they've learned from them, and who would pose no danger to a child in their care. If you fit that description, then gather your courage, and tell your social worker about this episode that has you so concerned.

This will show up on your record no matter what kind of adoption you pursue. Explaining it ahead of time in an honest matter is quite likely to get you through it. Gather up your courage and plunge in. If you feel the need to "prove" he lied, go get the court documents where he admitted it. But you need to get past this, and the only way to do that is by going *through* this. I would be extremely surprised if you were denied because of this incident in your past, as long as the worker hears about it from you first.

[MaireG]

I understand that I may get an a social worker who I am able to explain this incident to and, possibly, get an approved homestudy.
However, if I go through the tremendous pain and expense (homestudies in my state are over $2,500) of detailing things better off forgotten to a social worker what about INS approval?

It doesn't seem likely that if they see the arrest mentioned in the homestudy that they will approve me. After all, there is no one to "explain" things to at the INS, correct? I can prove this man lied (he put it in writing) and even track him down and get him to testify and admit it (he's not hard to find-he is in jail for 2 years) but who would he testify to? Would I be getting into a court battle with the INS? Is that even possible and could I afford it? The homestudy and agency fee's would already have had to be paid. Does anyone know of anyone who has been arrested being allowed to adopt Internationally by the INS???????

I would really appreciate anyone's help on this. What I was trying to say about the past having nothing to do with who I am now was that I have changed. I am a Christian. I would no longer live with a man without being married to him, let alone get involved with someone who is abusive. I am a mature, responsible adult with a huge amount of love to offer a child and wonderful home and a(14 year old) sibling for that child as well. I am willing to adopt an "older" or special needs child or siblings (the adoption agency I am working with has a wonderful reduced fee program for this). If it looks like INS approval will be unlikely, I would probably be better off with a domestic program for an older or special needs child. Does anyone have any agencies to suggest
who work with singles on these kinds of adoptions? Thank you again for any help that is out there.

Maire

[DianeS]

This is one of those questions you should ask as soon as you settle on your agency. Personally, I have not heard of anyone with an approved homestudy being turned down by the INS, but I don't have the experience someone in the agency would have. The INS is not intending to "unofficially" conduct a second homestudy - they have neither the time nor manpower to do so.

Ask the agency if they've ever seen that happen to anyone, and what the procedure is if it happens to you. Do that before you pay any money, as part of deciding whether to go through the process or not.

Good luck!

[spaypets]

Marie, please don't panic. The fact that you were never convicted the fact that the story is explained in your homestudy make it highly unlikely that this unfortunate situation will cause you to be rejected by INS or your homestudy agency. However, if you fail to disclose it, then you will look dishonest and the _lie_ could cause you to be rejected. It's not the "crime" it's the lie. I honestly think you have nothing to fear from INS, if you tell the truth.

If it will put your fears to rest, discuss it with your agency. But I doubt what was a false arrest where you were found blameless will be a problem at all, particularly since you are now leading a life with different values.

There are people who were actually convicted of crimes that have gone on to adopt -- please don't worry.