[bummeddad]

Just to clarify...my wife and I adopted him when he was 6. I've tried the police, but she "lawyer-ed up" and wouldn't talk without her lawyer, so she wasn't going to confess to the crime. Without that, and no hard evidence, he and the state's attorney didn't feel like they had a sure-fire case to prosecute. No one has mentioned state police or fbi before. Honestly it's been hard to figure out what to do because this is so bizarre and nobody I know has any idea what to do. I have done everything I can to keep her out of the house. The two of them are living together in an apartment.
I do appreciate the advice to remember to think about this as what it really is, incest. As I'm filling out the interoggatories for our divorce, I will change some wording.
I can understand everyone's disbelief, I'm still having a hard time believing it. Trust me, my life has been turned upside down. I am trying to do the right thing for my children who are still at home.

[RiverGal]

Bummeddad...whatever wording you use, I know how much you must be hurting through all of this. Nothing like having your reality shaken and your world turned upside down!

My advice is to continue with the divorce and press that she is a threat to children under legal age. There is no excuse for what she has done. Since no one seems to being listening to you, perhaps the judge will once you get in court.

Don't you dare leave the forum...I've been flamed a time or two myself, as have most of us here. You have reached out for some support, and there is a lot of it here. No one has any right to crawl your frame for not knowing the "politically correct" terminology...it's not like you are an authority on this type of situation, nor the perp...you are just a person full of concern, questions and pain.

Hang in there and stick with the counseling...you have to heal, also.

Debra

[dl]

Also wanted to offer my heartfelt sympathy for the situation you find yourself and your children forced to live through. Also sorry that you did not initially receive the support and understanding that you came here for.

Lucyjoy is correct, "No one wants to believe these things can happen " but the truth is these things do happen and it is so hurtful to so many. Everyone, think of the teacher that had an affair with a 14 year old student and had two children with him. Some people are sick.

bummeddad, I completely agree with MissngLinkInFL post. As your wife was supposed to be the responsible ADULT, this situation is her responsibility. I would implore the Judge to not allow her access to your other children.

Continue counseling for you and your children. Be good to yourself as you sort through the emotions and feelings that you must have. Please let us know how you are doing.

Best of Luck!

[HappyMomAnna]

I am a survivor of family sexual child abuse. I am also the one who 'told'. For a very long time several family members were angry with me--wouldn't talk to me--my aunt slapped me in the face and one of my cousins years later told me she hated me for ever telling--because she liked her life before everything changed.

Your son may look like a grown man right now. But, only God knows what has brought him to this point--either way he was NOT the responsible person. Many little boys develope a crush on their mothers--Real moms don't allow this to happen. Of age or not your son is a victim here and needs to be seen as such--Especially by you.

I would ask that you do your very best to continue to be his 'father." I would tell him that 'his Mother has crossed a line--it is not your fault--and I love you son.'

Placing him into the situation as the enemy empowers the 'pumped-up' man side of him...the side your Ex-wife has been blowing up for Lord knows how long....If you can make every effort to be the Father and not the arch enemy your son might have half a chance to escape this He!! sooner rather then later.

Right this moment if you son decided to 'turn' the relationship with his mother off--he may feel he would have lost you both! Without your unconditional love, and support he is more likely to continue in this unhealthy relationship with his mother.

It may be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life.....but, your son needs you.....without you he is with her.

[Quinte]

Boy you sure did get a tongue lashing from the member's of this forum.Sure glad you responded and let us know that at least the Police have been notified even though there is nothing that they can do because he is 18.You have to try to keep putting your feet forward each day and look after your other children as they will also need some support.Good luck in your struggle in dealing with this blow to your like.
Good Luck and God Bless

[mykidsmom1]

Bummeddad,

Thank you for returning. As you can tell, we do care. Unfortunately we went around the world and back and said some harsh things that seemed otherwise. This comes from our commitment to make sure are children are safe. The reality of it all is that human nature allows ones emotions and fears take over when there is ignorance. There was truly no intention to make you feel like an outcast. I must admit my first reaction was… how could you let this happen to your son and why are you not doing more to bring justice to this horrible situation? Here again Ignorance comes into play… I can only imagine the emotions you and children must be going through I applaud you for seeking counseling for your children and yourself. I know that saying time will heal the pain is not what you want to hear, because what you want right now is immediate liberation. I can say that it takes a lot for a father standing alone to share the most humiliating and horrible part of his life with complete strangers. You have taking what I am sure most will agree, the biggest step in healing. I am sure we all have our little family secrets that just by the mere thought of them would make us cringe less more spilling it with someone else. Your courage, your love for your children and your openness is the healing remedy that will get you through this. We all have your back. Continue your fight to save your son and the rest of your kids. More importantly, fight to save yourself, because you will be the rock that keeps your kids emotionally and physically safe. Remember that (here) you are not alone.

Mykidsmom1

[Opus]

bummeddad,

Please accept my apology for not initially believing your story. Its no excuse but I saw it was your 1st post, read the content and immediately assumed you were making it up. As both lucyjoy and dlouis said, "No one wants to believe this kind of thing can happen". I guess a few us of here are guilty of that.

I hope you continue to post here for support and you'll know that you'll get it.

[patrisha]

There have been many posts by what someone aptly described as "seagulls" (because they swooped in, started a controversial thread, and disappeared). Now we're a little suspicious when something sounds too far out.

I don't know if bummeddad's problem is for real or not. There have many relationships exposed between step parents & step children and foster parent & foster children in our area alone. It wouldn't be such a unbelievable stretch to add adoptive parent & children to the list.

I do know the anonymity of cyber space makes openly discussing a problem this humiliating easier than facing friends and family. We just have to remember to pull back our defenses and figure it's better to get snookered once in a while, then leave someone hanging that's really seeking support.

Trish

[PinkRibbon]

I too am sorry I didn't initially believe what you said. The word affair really got under my skin because it seemed to me to mimize the impact of just what an awful think your ex has done.

Have you made the agency with whom you adopted your son aware of this. Sometimes what can't be solved in criminal court can be adjudicated through family court, even if your son is 18, particualrly if he's still in school (even college) and not financially independent. This needs at least to be in your ex's records so that she can never adopt again.

[SISNLAW]

this woman who ever she is and if u can call her a woman needs to have her head examined what would she do if some other woman had done this to her son she would have pressed charges on them right or wrong im sorry but i am raising a child that is not biologicaly mine and that to even think of it is gross it makes me sick to my stomach to believe that there are people out there like your soon to be exwife that are allowed to adopt children of any kind have this woman committed

[bummeddad]

I think I've just had such a hard time dealing with this from the "affair" perspective, that I've barely figured out how to deal with it from the "incest" perspective. I have had a lot of support, but when your wife becomes the enemy and turns into someone you don't even recognize, it throws everything out of balance. She's become so antagonistic, arrogant and self-righteous, like I'm wrong to think that what she has done now makes her an unfit parent. She thinks that it's only between the 3 of us and that it has no impact on her ability to parent the other children. And sometimes she's so good at arguing that she almost makes sense. I know she doesn't, but again, this is someone who USED to make sense, so it's really weird. Thanks for the support. I know that God must have a plan on how He's going to use this utlimately for good. I guess faith is in the waiting.

[Jackiejdajda]

bummeddad wrote.. She thinks that it's only between the 3 of us and that it has no impact on her ability to parent the other children.

Dysfunctional people love secrecy. They use the secrecy in order to manipulate those around them..

'Manipulate' is the key word.. IMO


Jackie

[vicrose]

Dear bummedad...My heart goes out to you..this must be such a horrendous time for you and the kids!! But, least we not forget the child that your wife has taken residence with....when everything is said and done...this boy is still your son...you and your wife adopted him...and your wife has manipulated the hell out of him and you. If I were you, I would do everything in my power to keep the other children safe....and away from your soon to be ex-wife....incest is incest....the relationship between your son and wife will hopefully end when he can no longer put up with her manipulation anymore....and I hope that you will be there for him....I'm no expert, but a Mom...and I always try to see the goodness in my children...even when they do something wrong....I don't think that your son is in control of his emotions right at this present time....maybe one day he will be...speak to your counselor about this.....this relationship cannot work...good riddence to the soon to be ex wife.....but if at all possible...try to seek out some type of counseling for your son...when and if he ever gets free of this monster!! It might seem that everything is out of control right now, but stay here at adoption forums....we're very good at listening....and friends are great to have when your going through something as terrible as this!! Sincerely, Brenda

[RiverGal]

Bummeddad, I know what you are saying...the person you have always been able to turn to in a crisis is now the crisis. Must be like hanging up in a nightmare from which you can't awaken.

I agree with Jackie about her manipulating. Don't forget that she knows your weak spots and is familiar with your reasoning tactics...she was your wife for a long enough time that she knows you well. Don't buy into her manipulation.

It's more than just drama around "3" people...this shows a great lack of character on her part, a lack of morals and example for the other kids. The fact that she would even consider exposing her children to this level of pathology says it all.

While I do agree with the posters who feel your a-son is a victim, I personally feel your children left in the home with you (AND YOU) are where the concentration needs to be focused at this time. There is entirely too much for you to have to work through and get in touch with before you can extend help to him. That can come later when emotions have been put into proper perspective.

Just my opinion...

Deb

[Jackiejdajda]

MissngLinkInFL..very aptly wrote..this shows a great lack of character on her part, a lack of morals and example for the other kids.

She crossed the line..

She made a decision to take advantage of a child in her care.
That is not caring about the child.

That is not even close to caring about the child..


Jackie