[OllieT]

With all the children waiting to be adopted in the united states, Why do so many people choose to adopt internationally? The challenges are greater as well as the money spent in the process. Am I wrong with that statement? I am not saying it's a bad thing.

I was just wondering....

[Shoshana]

i tried to adopt domestically, and was totally open to the race of the child, but was told that "birthmothers chose married couples." the agencies i contacted wouldn't even work with me as a single mom in an open domestic adoption.

i chose not to go through the state because as a single working mom, i couldn't foster, and i wanted a child under two. without fostering, the wait could be very long, with no guarantee of placement. as i am 40-something, i didn't want to wait.

yes, international adoption is more expensive. as far as the challenges go, i guess that depends on how you define challenges. the process was very challenging and stressful, but guatemalan children are remarkably healthy. many of the children in foster care have significant mental health issues due to past neglect and abuse. again, i felt that as a single mom, i wouldn't be able to provide the necessary level of care that might be required.

in my opinion, all waiting children need homes - their 'origin' doesn't mitigate that need.

[ll_bay]

In our case, I don't think the challenges were greater, nor was the cost, necessarily. Our fees were reduced for adopting siblings, and the children were in a much more stable care situation than they would've been in the US foster system. And as great as the need is here, I've never seen anyone in America, no matter how needy, that can imagine the degree of destitution from which my children come. But above and beyond all that, I simply have always known that my children were born overseas. HTH

[spaypets]

I'm sorry, where are all these waiting children of which you speak? Are you suggesting that we should adopt from the foster care system?

I have enormous admiration for people who take on the special needs and issues associated with adopting children who have been removed from their families because of neglect and abuse. They often have tremendous challenges and I applaud them.

They are braver people than I am -- I feel don't capable of volunteering for those challenges.

There is little similarity between adopting an abused child and adopting a child from a well-run orphanage. My daughter has never been abused, has suffered little trauma (other than the separation from the only home she ever knew). She is well-adjusted and happy.

There are a million reasons we decided to adopt internationally--known timelines for placement was one. The realtively young age of the available children was another. The fact that we would be adopting a child with NO family appealed to us too.

Tell me, why is an American child more deserving of a family than a child living in an orphanage overseas? A better question is and one that shows genuine concern for human suffering is: "With all the children in the world who need homes, why are Americans having babies?"

I'm sorry if I'm sounding abrupt, but this question irritates me in part because of its inherent jingoism. Hope I've brought some clarity for you.

[ddhuab]

I really admire people who expand their families through waiting children -- in fact, I would really like to do this one day. But many of these children are older than two years old. In fact, the ones I have seen in my state, on the photolisting, are all over six years old. I am afraid of dealing with issues of the hurt child - attachment disorders, physical and sexual abuse, etc. While I could see myself dealing with these kind of issues, I don't think I have the emotional stamina to deal with this yet. I do think we would be interested in taking in a waiting child in about ten years from now.... but I want to be a mom NOW!

And we really want to go through the baby stuff... and after waiting so long, and having NO children, I don't think I could handle taking care of an infant for months and then having it returned to the birthfamily. this is also why we are considering international over domestic infant adoption. We are looking at countries that seem to have good foster programs for orphans/abandoned children (Korea, China, Guatemala). There are pros and cons both ways, but it does seem certain with international adoption that when you bring your baby/toddler home, he or she is probably going to stay with you.

I would love to be able to have a child still have contact with his/her birthfamily, which would be possible if we adopt domestically, but that, too, is complicated if the child has experienced neglect or abuse at the hands of the bparents.

Those are just some of the random thoughts running through my mind. We are still trying to decide what to do, and we are not planning on calling the social worker until May, so we have a little more time to iron out what to do for child #1. We are mostly leaning toward contracting with a small local agency for domestic adoption.

D.

[mjoseph]

Tanya,

I can't count how many people that found out I was adopting overseas has asked me that very same question. You are correct, there are many children available for adoption in the United States. The process though is very different. In the US you can adopt one of two ways.

1) Domestic Adoption
If you are to adopt an infant through a domestic adoption you go through a private agency, attorney, or public agency in some cases. You basically create a family portfolio that depicts everything about your home and life with pictures. The birthmother then goes through all the parent profiles and she chooses which family will adopt her child. The waiting lists are long as there is no telling when you will be 'picked'. Also, the birthmother has the opportunity to change her mind AFTER the baby is already home with you about the adoption and she can take the baby back.

2) Foster Care/Adoption
The majority of children available for adoption in the US are in the foster care system. In order to get a child under the age of 6 you must become a foster parent. That is the only way to get a child under 6 placed with you unless that child has severe needs. Not every child placed with you will become available for adoption as the goal is to reunite them with their families. So a person may have to foster several children before having a placement that may turn into an adoption opportunity. The children have been either born drug or alcohol addicted, been abused or neglected, etc...The large majority of children in foster care are special needs. They have medical, physical, or emotional problems. Many have disorders such as RAD, other attachment disorders, etc...These children deserve loving homes, all children do of course, but it takes a special type of person to parent a child with special needs and moderate to severe emotional disorders. It is not an easy process at all.

People turn to adoption overseas for infants because unlike the US there are a large number of children already waiting to be adopted and not enough families. In the US there are a large number of families waiting on babies to be placed. You go through the adoption process and in 6 - 8 months you bring your baby home. No indefinite waiting lists or sitting and praying you get "picked". You also don't have the risk of losing your baby after you take them home if the birthmother changes her mind. The cost in some cases can be less than a US Domestic Adoption.

Hope that information helps put things into better perspective for you and helps you understand the difference in both types of adoption.

[Xanny]

One of the things I like about international adoption is the relative predictability. We were given a fee schedule ahead of time, as well as an approximate schedule for the process. My co-worker who is adopting domestically knows people using her agency who were in the book for 11 days, and other people who have been in the book for 3 years. As a result, she hasn't told our boss anything about her plans, whereas I was able to tell him it's likely we'll be adopting within the next six months.

We are only considering infant adoption because as young, first-time parents, we think that is the best thing for us to do. Adopting an older waiting child can be even less predictable because of the nature of the foster care system.

I agree with spaypets on one thing: If those of us who can afford fertility treatments spend the money on adoption instead, it will help the world.

I wish many blessings on the wonderful people who adopt waiting children--in the US and elsewhere. It's just not the best option for everyone.

--Xanny

[seeking2adopt]

I am a mom who has adopted successfully twice in the U.S., and lost two children through failed adoptions in the U.S. Our choice to pursue domestic adoption was based on finances and time. We have seen the blessing of domestic (infant) adoption as well as the worst pain, when a bmom changed her mind after we had our son for a week.

My sister adopted domestically as well, older children through the foster care system. They have special needs due to the situations they endured, and I am so proud of my sister and bro-in-law for their courage and strength as they love and care for their boys. It takes someone very special to face those challenges head-on, and it isn't for everyone.

I have also spoken to moms who adopted internationally, who told me their choice was based on not wanting to face the pain we did, of a failed adoption, or simply seeing the tremendous need in other countries where children live in horrific conditions.

Those are just some thoughts on the issue.

[waitinginnj]

I agree with pieces of many of the other posts. As a single parent, the ability to adopt and the timliness were important. I couldn't deal with the emotional implications of foster parenting first.

Finally, International Adoption offers privacy. Which to many people I know who have adopted internationally is a primary reason for the decision.

[tobeafamily]

I think our choices of adoption path at their core are about risks and benefits - which risks are we willing to handle, which aren't we, and how does each risk weigh against benefits?

There is no risk-free way to become a parent - biologically or though adoption. People have different risk tolerances, though. There is no one best way or right way, only a best way for each person.

For instance, in international adoption you have risks associated with:

* financial issues (expenses)
* travel
* language
* unknown medical history of child and social history of parents
* bureaucracy (domestic and foreign)
* potential exposure to abuse, neglect or institutionalization (may or may not be known at time of placement)
* attachment/bonding (again, a RISK, not all children of international adoption develop attachment issues)
* nutrition - prenatal and infant

In domestic parental placement you have:

* financial issues - primarily the unpredictability of them
* travel (unless child is born locally)
* Pbparents choosing to parent
* bureaucracy
* nutrition - prenatal
* unpredictable timelines

In waiting child/foster care you have:

* may have incomplete or unknown medical history of child and social history of parents
* bureaucracy
* potential exposure to abuse, neglect or institutionalization (may or may not be known at time of placement)
* attachment/bonding (again, a RISK, not all children of foster care adoption develop attachment issues)
* nutrition - prenatal and infant

These are just examples and are not intended to completely describe the full scope of risks in any type of adoption.

I think it's important for paparents to have access to unbiased education on all ways of adopting that is free of stereotype or misinformation. That can be tough to come by though! Watch out for 'general statements' - like 'all children of foster care were abused' - not so, or 'most birth parents choose to parent', or 'children of X country have no problems adjusting', etc. I call these the "Lifetime Television for Women" facts (that aren't really facts at all).

HTH,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[tobeafamily]

Caroline,

Interesting thought on privacy and international adoption. A few weeks ago, I was in a video rental store with my son. There was another family in the store - caucasian parents with an asian girl.

I remember feeling badly for them - everyone was coming up to them in the store, asking if the child was theirs, how much did she 'cost', why couldn't they have kids 'of their own'. I cringed for them inside. Meanwhile, we were peacefully cruising the movie aisles, unnoticed.

My son is German, English and Dutch. I am Italian and Irish, DH is German and English. No one ever comes up to us in a store with those dreaded, obnoxious but well meaning questions. This family is on display, always, as any multi-racial family is.

So, unless you're adopting a child from a country which shares your ethnic heritage, I think you lose that privacy once you become parents in a way that is so much more invasive than any I've seen in domestic.

Not debating, just commenting as it touched on that recent experience of mine.

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[spaypets]

Regina, you posted my thoughts exactly about the loss of privacy. Although we've never had to deal with such invasive questions from strangers, we are a memorable family. It's especially difficult if our daughter (who is 2) is acting up, crying or whatever. People remember us because our family is distinctive. People have stopped me with my daughter because they recognize her from when she was with her father.

It does keep me on my best behavior in public -- I'm just going to have to be careful that DD doesn't learn to take advantage of that!

Nevertheless, we didn't have to put our lives on display in a book for expectant mothers to flip through, which is what I think the poster was referring to. We didn't have to promote our adoption plans to friends and family in the hopes of finding an potential birthmother. We didn't have to create a web page etc. Now, many of these things don't bother some people. That's great. But it bugged us.

[tobeafamily]

Spaypets,

I absolutely agree - the search and networking process in domestic parental placement can be very invasive. It's not for everyone, that's for sure!

It was just wild how that memory (this happened in January) hit me when I read Caroline's post.

We are at our core private people and it was hard for us at first to search. It's just in our case, we felt that loss was outweighed by the potential gains.

I think that's the bottom line for everyone - what are you willing to/can handle and what aren't/can't you?

:-)

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[ddhuab]

That is what keeps going through my mind -- the pressure to make ourselves so attractive to someone -- now, I agree it is best to be honest and be yourself, but how could you get all the facets of your life into a two-dimensional format?

Also, I can understand the questions expectant mothers have, and wanting to know things like how you will discipline, how you will educate your child, all sorts of things. And it is important to think about that before parenting -- but on some things, I just DON'T KNOW. Life is not as predictable as we would like it to be. As of now, I am not sure whether I would rather home school my child, or send them to public school, or private school. We live in a little house now -- and we would be purchasing a new home now if it weren't for having to put aside money for adoption expenses -- so any pictures pbparents would see of our house isn't really representative of where the child will really live. I would just hate the idea that changing our mind about something might cause a conflict and make a pbmom think we had "lied" to her. Of course, in an open adoption, we would hopefully have the opportunity to discuss the reasons behind things, and maybe this wouldn't even be an issue.

Again, I know it is important for bparents to know as much as they can to be at peace with their decision --- but at the same time, it kind of irks me that we have to go through such measures just because we can't biologically deliver a child -- believe me, in many ways I wish all parents had to go through some sort of qualifying process, in order to protect all children, but the fact is, most people don't have to answer to anyone about how they raise their biological children unless they have already caused them harm!

Ok, that was just a vent... I hope I don't get flamed about all this. I know there are far more adoptive couples available than there are infants, and that affords bmoms the luxury of choosing, and ultimately that is good for the children... but that still doesn't ease my feelings that a birthmom might reject our profile because she thinks I'm too fat, or our house is too small, or we are too old, or she doesn't like our dog or something. The fact is that we really want a child to love and give the best possible life.

D.

[spaypets]

Regina and Ddhaub,
I really think you guys hit on it...adoption is so much about personal values -- I'm not talking about morals -- but things like how important is your privacy, how easily you make friends, how much you reveal to aquaintances, how much you value the newborn experience, how easily you deal with uncertainity and disappointment and changes in plans.

My social worker (and a bunch of government agencies here and in India) is the only person in the world besides DH who has both my financial and my medical history. She at least has an ethical obligation to keep that info to herself. But I live in a state where there are about two degrees of separartion. The thought of someone who knew, someone I knew, knowing so much about us was one of the many things that made us decide on international adoption.

Ddhaub, I agree it is wonderful that birthmothers in the US have such choices. I do not mean to dismiss their point of view. But the whole domestic process hit on virtually every sensitive spot in my personality and even more so my DH's (I probably could have sucked it up if I'd had a partner who was gung ho). For us it was more important for us to have a defined timeline and fewer people knowing our business than it was important to have newborn.

I fully recognize that there are plenty of people who are friendlier, more easy going and flexible than I, for whom the domestic rollercoaster isn't as difficult.