[jcottrell]

Hello,
This is my first post but I have been lurking for quite some time. I've been researching the adoption process for awhile now and recently attended an information seminar at local adoption agency.

I am looking forward to adopting our first child, and was eager to start the next step when I attended this seminar. My husband attended as well, but he wasn't as eager I was. He decided we could adopt on our own; finding our own birthmother and saving us money in the process.

Honestly, this overwelms me. I do not want to take this on; but perhaps I am to quick to give my money to an agency. I tried to argue with my husband, but I couldn't really put my finger on why I didn't want to. I simply do no think we can handle this entire process on our own.

I would welcome any advice on the advantages and disadvantages of private adoption.
Thanks!
Jodi

[goin'batty]

I know what you mean. I know that other people have adopted on their own but it isn't for me.

I look at the cost of my agency as me paying for someone else's expertise. I've never adopted before, but my social worker has been involved in tons of adoptions. If nothing else, she knows what's legal and how the process works. She also knows what red flags to look for and how to mediate problems that might arise. She knows the common fears that both adoptive and birthparents have and lets us all know that what we are feeling is normal and how to handle our feelings and the situation in general.

She was present the first time we met the pbirthparents which was a great relief to ALL of us. She was the one person we all knew. She helped break the ice and make sure that we all asked the right questions. She has helped the pbmom with getting all the welfare and medicaid that she qualifies for, which has saved us a ton of money.

When the baby comes, she will be there to help us with the surrender paperwork and to make sure that this is what the pbmom really wants. I think it is really important for her to be there during this time to be the person whose calm and collected. The rest of us will be going through a lot of emotions at that time.

So, there's my spin on it. I personally wouldn't dream of doing this without an agency.

L

[bumpkin]

Hi

Well my suggestion would be to go to other adoption agency seminars, read, read, read. Contact your department of social services and find out what adopting through the state is like (even if you think you don't want to do it!) In our state we met with a psychologist that we found through our Resolve chapter and she puts on seminars about different kinds of adoptions, pros and cons.... this let's you ask questions without fear. I think the best thing to do is continue to educate yourself. Once you have all the info perhaps you will feel more at ease with a plan. Also, some agencies let you do a little of both - you working on finding the birthmother as do they. You probably will need an agency to do your homestudy anyway. Also it can be a good idea to ferret out a great adoption attorney - they can point you in the right direction as well. Well worth the $100 - 200 fee, to avoid going the wrong way and much more money!!! Plus I think if you are referred in through a reputable adoption attorney that sets the tone with the agency from the start.

Good luck and keep asking questions here!

Bumpkin

[someone67]

I believe private adoption is the best way to go because you can have that personal touch.

The attorney has profiles of families and he or she shows them to the birthmom. The birthmom tells the attorney what she wants in a family and then he shows her the profiles that fit what she wants.

I am a possible birthmother and thats how I am doing it. I am doing it private. I like the personal touch in the private adoption.

[enerad]

Remember every state is different as well. I have heard some states only do agency adoptions. We are working with a non-profit agency and I don't feel they are pressuring anyone. We can do a bit of search on our own, and they are there for both birthparent and adoptive parent support. What impressed us was during the orientation forums, they actually had birthmoms and their adoptive parents come speak. It was great to get the perspective these women had about adoption. They both were in very open adoptions.

Find the best situation for yourself and take it slowly. I believe in the end it make for a better situation. For all of us adoptive parents there is a right place to be.

[someone67]

You are right some states you have to use an agency.

I am using an attorney because thats what I feel more comfortable with.

I am using a private counselor from a mental health clinic. This counselor doesn't gain anything if a birthmom places.

[Big Dreamer]

JC congratulations on taking the first step...research 101.

As an adoptive mother I have experienced both sides of the table. My husband and I felt the same way your husband did. We felt like we were throwing our money out the window and we felt that the agencies took advantage of potential birth moms. We pay them tons of money and the adoptive mom barely got a dime. So...our journey of a private adoption began. Along the way we met people who were professional scam artists, a birthmom who promised to place her baby with three different families and a whole lot of other scenarios.

At last we had the baby of our dreams a beautiful baby girl, in our state (TX), in a private adoption a birth family has six months to change their minds. Would you care to guess what happened? Our birth family changed their mind and we were crushed. I couldn't even consider adoption for two years.

Our next step was to go with a non profit agency in GA they claimed to have a great success rate and any money we gave them would roll over if the birth mom changed her mind. They said "the average wait was 9-18 months" boy did we get excited. Long story short we gave them 25K up front, wrote our birth mother letter and left it up to them and their expertise. Here it is three years later and no baby from them, not even a legitimate lead. Due to the power of the Internet we found out that about 100 of their clients had been waiting for three years or more and the agency said they would never have more than 150 clients. To date they have 350 waiting families, go figure...

We also went through a facilitator who claimed that she had several babies in foster care and needed some families to adopt them. She connected us with a birth mom from AZ. The birth mom was three months pregnant but the facilitator claimed she was seven months along. The facilitator would not allow us to have a one on one conversation with the birth mom nor could we get a phone number until we paid a $4000.00 finders fee. When we insisted on a phone conversation that included the birth mom the facilitator told us the birth mom was so uncomfortable with the whole situation she ( the facilitator) was going to answer most of the questions. We thought that was a logical explanation.

After the call we mailed a cashiers check to the facilitator. After it cleared the bank she gave us the birth moms full name and phone number. After speaking to the birth mom we found out that she was 3 months pregnant even though her proof of pregnancy letter said 7 months, the facilitator changed it and…the birth mom had told the facilitator that she didn’t think she could place the baby. The facilitator threatened the young girl by saying she would get a bill for all of the phone counseling she had done with her if she didn’t get on the call with us. We stayed in touch with the young girl and she did end up parenting, she called us when the baby was 4 and wanted to place her with us. We had her for Christmas and we visited her a lot, since we were already expecting our daughter that little girl was placed with the family who adopted her older sister.

We finally got smart and found Adoption.com and placed our Dear Birth Mother letter on ParentProfiles.com within 18 hours our birth mom found us and we were matched. No middlemen no one to mislead either one of us. Here is the catch…in order to place your letter on Adoption.com you must have your Homestudy and background check approved by your home state. In our case we were with the “agency” and we had an attorney. Our attorney also had a great connection with an adoption agency that he helped form. We had a choice to do a private adoption or do an identified (you already know the birth family) adoption via the agency. Granted going through the agency was more expensive however in TX in an agency adoption the birth family cannot reclaim the baby once they have signed the termination papers.

In our case we built an incredible relationship with our birth mom and we stayed in touch with one of the counselors from the agency. The birth mom never met with the agency until 6 weeks before the baby was born. It was a mutual agreement because we wanted to nurture our relationship and we both wanted the piece of mind knowing that if the placement didn’t take place it wasn’t because of a third parties influence. Our investment at Adoption.com was less then $2000.00, 8 months later we had a baby in our home and we were able to enjoy the entire pregnancy not to mention the bond we share with our wonderful birth mom. We love her more than words can ever express.

Our journey took 8 years, as I said earlier we learned a lot along the way, we learned how to look and listen for red flags and we even had two instances where we walked away because the birth family was very money motivated. In one situation we paid rent and utilities and found out that the family never intended to place. Our daughter’s birth mom just wanted a secure, happy and healthy environment for her child. She didn’t even want postpartum expenses paid. We had to force her to accept the money from our agency to help cover her rent and car payment.

I must say that not all birth families are money motivated, there are cases where the family is really in a pinch and they need money for rent, car payment etc, sometimes the birth mother is not able to work due to complications or she is unable to work because there are other children to care for. You may want to find out what the laws are in your state regarding birth family expenses and you and your husband need to decide if you are willing to take that on. In our state it is against the law to directly give any money to a birth family, you can give the money to the attorney or agency and they can pay the rent etc. In TX the money is considered a donation. If the birth family changes their mind you cannot try to reclaim your money or any expenses that you may have paid regarding the adoption.

Another great source is:

theadoptionguide.com

Unfortunately when we started our journey this guide was not available, we were shocked to see our agency on the list with “lots of complaints”. Ayyy vey…

Everyone’s experiences are different and everyone has to decide what they can handle emotionally, financially and even spiritually because the journey has lots of ups and downs. I must say that even though we lost a child in an open adoption, open adoption was the best choice for us. We have always wanted our child and future children to know the wonderful family who helped make our dreams come true.

Feel free to PM or send me an e-mail off line at:
Luv2daydream2002@yahoo.com

M

[SchmennaLeigh]

I strongly suggest going through an agency, although I sometimes feel as though they slight the birthmother. They can guide you through things that you don't understand with more flair than an attorney can; I found the attorney in our adoption to be completely distant and sometimes rude when it came to issues that needed a gentle touch.

[someone67]

Everyone needs to handle their adoption the way they feel they need to.

Some feel comfortable with an agency and some feel more comfortable with an attorney.

As for myself I feel more comfortable with an attorney. I get to see a private counselor from a mental health clinic. I like the freedom of choice.

[dl]

It's absolutely amazing! Your posts are exactly the same as:

originally posted by tincan (Former member, now Banned)
"I am going to be a birthmother and I learned of my attorney thru my parents cause he was a very good friend of theirs."
"The birthmom tells the attorney what she wants in a family and then he shows her the profiles that fit what she wants."
"As for myself I feel more comfortable with an attorney. I get to see a private counselor from a mental health clinic. I like the freedom of choice.

or:

originally posted by mintshastagrape (Former member, now Banned)
"I am going to be a birthmother and I learned of my attorney thru my parents cause he was a very good friend of theirs."
"I am a possible birthmother and thats how I am doing it. I am doing it private. I like the personal touch in the private adoption.".
"I am using an attorney because thats what I feel more comfortable with."

How unlikely is that that three "different" people would have the exact same feelings (???) and express it with the exact same words. Absolutely an amazing coincidence.