[thewatsonelf]

My husband and I, both Caucasian, adopted a Biracial infant. We live in an area that is probably 80% caucasian, 30% mixed of AA, Asian, and Hispanic.

Our area used to be a hotbed of racism, 30+ years ago. The former Grand Dragon of the KKK lived outside of town. Now, the community bends over backwards to welcome people of all backgrounds.

I have two close AA friends: one is via email and one has buggered off the the Middle East to earn lots of money.

Am I being innocent or naive or just plain dumb in thinking people have been accepting of Mia, our daughter? We have honestly not heard anything racially motivated or negative. At least not to our faces. Am I trying to borrow trouble?

I am deserately upset that my friend who lived nearby buggered off the the Middle East. I am very grateful to my other email friend, whom I met here.

I don't do a whole lot in the community, as far as going to church, involved in groups, etc. I basically go to work, go grocery shopping, go home, once in a while we go out to eat.

I am SO tempted, sometimes when we are out in public, to approach an AA lady and say, look, this is my daughter. I want to raise her right with all of her culture. Will you be my friend?

Is that pathetic?

Am I being stupid? I know racism is alive and well in America. While I don't think I am going to shelter my daughter from it or try and pass her off as not being mixed, I want her to grow up with pride in herself and know all sides of her heritage.

I am very outgoing and outspoken and down to earth. I am totally comfortable with our daughter being mixed. I just want to make sure I am upholding my end of the deal, to make sure she turns out well rounded.

Advice?

[Linny]

Lisa:
I may be wrong here.......but the first thing I'd tell you is, 'Don't worry so much about it.'
Your daughter is so young now.

Our first two babies were Asian. We lived in Japan for three years........we traveled to Korea to get our first child. We saved items, bought items, encouraged both of them to 'get involved with your culture', etc. They thought my husband and I were 'nuts'! We moved to an area with two colleges, and I thought---for SURE----that they would be interested in 'their culture' THEN!

It didn't happen. They are both over 21 now, and they continue to say: "You are our family. You are our culture.....we grew up in the USA!" They are successful. They enjoy friends from all races and walks of life.

Now, our two youngest babies (who are still actually babies).....are AA. I figure it this way. We know of professional people who are AA that in no way 'fit the profiles' of what the media proposes is the 'AA culture'. As one friend said to us years ago (who is AA)......"I just wanna know where the black experience is!!!!" He felt he had lived for years in the US and though this was not to say that he didn't have different experiences being AA-------he refused to 'buy into' the media's examples of 'Black America'.

Your daughter will let you know. I would suggest that you get involved with church and/or other groups to expose her to different people. I do think it's important that she see non-caucasian people around her too. But, IMO.....just by adopting her, her idea of culture and 'who she is' is shaped--to a great degree-- by you and your husband.

In answer to your concern whether folks truly accept her? Yes and no. It may very well be, that as she gets older, she will encounter the racism that unfortunately lives in this world. Many people have no problem with children of another race; but they have no intentions of their grown sons or daughters marrying a person of another race.

Play it by ear. We live on a farm. There is no way my children have not been affected by this. No, my Asian children (now grown) did not grow up near or in an Asian area.....in the city, etc. My AA children and my CC children will not grow up in the city, in an all CC family, all AA family, etc. Their lives are forever changed by growing up with the experiences of OUR family and ITS heritage. So far, the grown ones say they have no regrets to this.
My kids have and will know of Girl Scouts, 4-H fairs and showing livestock.......having horses in parades, etc. This isn't your typical household anymore either.

Each family is unique. Skin tone is only one aspect of culture...the rest is really what your family experiences have been and will be. Exposure is the key---but not to the degree they will feel their skin tone rates 'over and above' the 'type' of person they are.....then they can decide what additional elements (culture if you will) they want to add to their lives. Yes, I agree........they may find themselves facing rude remarks and such. Many people, for differing reasons, face remarks like this too. But, if they have a strong foundation of their inner self, they manage to deal with these types of idiots.

I hope this isn't confusing. It's just been our experience.....


Sincerely,

Linny

[redhedded]

First, please do not be offended, but every person that I know who is of two races prefers the term biracial and detests the term "mixed" and uses multiracial when applicable.

Maybe many in your area are truly interested in a multicultural, multiracial experience for themselves and their children; a lot can change in 30 years. However, I suspect that there is still much latent racism in such an area. I know (not well) a woman who adopted transracially and told me a story about her neighbor. He made some very inflammatory remarks and well, was just stupid. She asked him, 'how do you think that makes me feel having black children?' He told her, "they are different." He had separated her children from their race and identified them as being "okay" or acceptable because they were her children. While this may seem ridiculous to you and me, I think this happens sometimes.

I commend you for wanting to give your daughter a sense of cultural identity; I think most transracial families agree that it is important to explore all sides of our heritage. My husband grew up as the only Asian in an all Caucasian community with his Thai mother and Caucasian adoptive father. While he was generally accepted, he often felt alienated and always different. He gained great spiritual and emotional strength and became very proud of his heritage when his circle grew and included a very multiracial multicultural soccer club and he became involved in the Thai Student Association. When you reside in a large and diverse area such as we do, vast exposure is a given. You do not have to "make it happen;" however, it seems living in a small area with a predominantly Caucasian population would require additional effort on your part.

Most of our friends are various shades of brown; however, in the last year we moved, and I became a stay at home mom. I was, of course, forced to find new friends in our area. I found, most of all, that new moms gravitate toward one another. I also found the brown mothers of brown babies often approached me, and I them, to talk about experiences as mothers. They are each women that I have created very strong bonds with and see several times a week. They are African American, Asian and Hispanic. What is important for me is for my daughter to spend time with friends and their children who share our values, interests and life philosophy.

I think that you can celebrate her AA heritage by participating in community events, celebrations, etc. You can teach her the beautiful and incredibly rich history of Africa and her people, which is not presented in school. You can ensure that your home celebrates and your family communicates about the works of great black writers, artists, physicians and historians. And I think, just as important, is exposing her to the history, celebrations and achievements of other racial/ethnic and religious groups.

I wish you and your family the best.

[heymom]

not naive, but maybe a bit too optimistic. it's easy for everyone to coo over a baby, but it might be different when she is older. I have 2 AA sons, age 2 and 4, and i have to be aware that the old lady telling me how sweet they are now, may be the same one who holds her purse tighter when she sees them walking down the street in 10 years.

[Support2Adopt]

I may be completely off base here and I apologize in advance if I am.
It seems like what you are really missing in your life right now is friendship. I'm sure your friend moving away has been very difficult for you.
If this is the case, have you considered joining any Moms groups in your area?
You don't say how old your daughter is. Just wondering what you have done so far to expose her to both of her cultures?
I go about things this way. I expose my kids to their cultures the best I can in terms of age appropriate. However, I expose them to other cultures as well. I want them to grow up knowing a variety of cultures so not only will they have knowledge of them, but respect as well.
JJ

[Mackenzie]

In Dec. we were choosen as a pre-adoptive placement for an 11 year old girl. DFS doesn't know who her father is or what race but think he could be CC or AI. Her bio mother is AA and we think she is biracial but actually have nothing to go on.

During her staffing, they seemed most concerned with wondereing if we would be willing to make sure she was exposed to her AA heritage. This child has been raised in a predomantly CC area/family since the age of 2. She realizes her skin color is different but doesn't view herself different in any other way. The area we live in has more mixed cultures than the one she came from but is still more CC. We have nothing against her reserching her culture but don't feel it is an issue that should be pushed on her.

The thing she wants most is a mom and dad to take care of her and love her. I am sure there will be issues with her race being different at some point but right now we are just concentrating on making her feel part of our family. She just wants to be part of a family that she knows will always be there for her. We also have 3 bio sons and 1 CC adopted daughter.

In my own opinion, I wish people would stop worring so much about a persons race and skin color and concentrate more on getting to know the person for who they are.

Robin

[thewatsonelf]

Thank all of you for your advice! We live in an area that is 20 minutes from Ann Arbor, 30 minutes from Lansing and an hour from Detroit. So we are close to some large areas with a good cross section of humanity. The county I live in is the fastest growing in the state so it is constantly evolving.

Since Mia is only 8 months old, the most we have done to expose her to other cultures is go places where she sees people of all types. When it is time for pre school, she will definately go to one that represents more than just CC.

Redheaded, thank you for the heads up on the term mixed. I actually know better, my friend Simone has told me that mixed refers to cocktails, not people!

Thank you all, again!