[Big Dreamer]

Hi..

I am sooo frustrated! Our daughter will be 1 soon. Her birth mom still refuses to call her the name that we have chosen (Carly).

We agreed to put Jessica on the birth certificate because she really liked the name. Our agreement was that we would call the baby Carly. When Carly starts school she can decide what name she wants to go by. Everyone in our lives call her Carly and i am at my wits end.

Any suggestions?

[bumpkin]

I'm am sorry that you are dealing with this. It sounds as if she knew the baby was going to be called Carly and as such she will identify that as her name. At least that is what I am getting from your post. If she knew that, I think that you need to have a discussion with her about it..... something along the lines of "now that she is 1 it really will be confusing for her to be called by a different name and we are concerned that it will just continue to be confusing as she gets older. Could you please be sure to call her Carly from now on".

How do you think she will respond to this kind of approach?

Best

Bumpkin

[BrandyHagz]

Is she calling the child Jessica? From your post, that seems to be the case...and am I also reading that you gave Carly the middle name of Jessica?

If that’s the case, then, from what I can read, it’s the birth mom calling the child by her middle name that you have a problem with, is that correct?

[riley6]

Our children's bmom still calls the children by their original first names (which we have placed now as their middle names). The children didn't mind in the beginning, but they have spoken up to her and she is now coming around to calling them by their new first names.

Personally, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. She probably was really set on calling the baby Jessica (which is a pretty name btw) and makes her feel like she's a part of the baby's life. When Carly (my FAVORITE girl's name) is older, she'll let her bmom know what she wants to be called.

How frequent are the visits? I might change my opinion if they are frequent

[Big Dreamer]

When the birth mom was 5 months along and we found out the baby was a girl we (all of Us) began calling her Carly. I wanted to name the baby Carla after my sister. The birth mom liked the name Jessica so we agreed on Jessica C. provided that we all call her Carly. We would allow Carly to decide what name she wanted to go by when she starts school.

I have asked the birth mom and her family to please respect our wishes and agreement and address the baby as Carly.
We saw our birth mom on Sunday. I was talking to Carly when the birth mom said "I guess Jessica is going to grow up a very confused child" when I asked why she said because I will never call her Carly. To me she is Jessica and she will always be Jessica." I again reminded her of our agreement and reminded her that everyone in Carly's life addresses her as Carly including her pediatrician. Once again I asked her to please call the baby Carly. In short she she said she would not call her Carly.

Carlys birthday is around the corner and I do not want her to come if she is not going to respect our wishes. She will offend many of my family members if she calls the baby Jessica.

We wanted to change the name on the Birth Certificate to Carly Rae but decided to respect the birth moms wishes. My husband is so mad he wants to change her name legally to force the birth mom to respect our wishes. We have done everything we have ever committed to her and then some.

We agreed on two visits a year . We travel four hours each way every 2 months so she can see the baby, we stay in a hotel and she only sees us for two or three hours because she has things to do. Due to economics she has not been able to come to our home but seems to have money to buy Thomasville furniture and fly to Minneapolis for a shopping spree. She has never even thanked us for her Christmas, Birthday or Valentine gifts. Granted they are tokens from Carly however we are the ones who seem to be working to keeping relationship going.

I am pretty hurt right now, we really wanted a fun, loving relationship with our birth mom but I am realizing that things aren't going to work out the way I wanted them to.

Thanks for your time.

[Big Dreamer]

By the way...she didn't even get Carly a Christmas card!

[Makareina]

I can understand where your issue lies. The thing is, to me, that we need to back out of the emotional side and look at it as clearly and concisely as possible.

You are your child's mother. How the child came to be yours isn't the issue... the fact is that legally and in all ways you are your child's mother. Part of that is to ensure that things that happen to her and around her will not be harmful. Regardless whether harmful things were defined as physically, emotionally or mentally harmful, it's the Mommy and Daddy's job to protect their child. It sounds to me like your child's birth mom is trying to gain some level of control in a situation she truly has no business having control. Now make sure you understand what I mean... I am an active advocate for birth parents and their rights. My point is that there are certain things that are up for discussion in your life with your family members, friends, distant acquaintences and other people in your life... and likewise there are other things that are not up for discussion. The naming of your child is a sacred thing... excellent that you and your birth mom talked about it before the baby was born, and excellent that you made it clear that you would be calling the baby Carly. Your daughters name is Carly, that is what you have chosen to name her, and Carly's birth mother knew that from the start. She is now, on purpose and fully being aware of your wishes doing something that will be extremely confusing for your daughter as her birth mother would be the only one calling her Jessica. That's just not fair to Carly. And it's her needs that are the most important here. Just the fact that she is defying your wishes openly and has stated she has no intentions of following your wishes makes me think that there is some level of power struggle and it needs addressing. As I see it, there are two choices at this time. Perhaps the best plan would be to get together with the agency social worker(s) who assisted in the adoption, at their office for this discussion (after you make sure they know what's happening). After making it clear that you won't have anyone in your daughter's life doing anything to make her life purposefully more difficult, she has a choice to make. She either agrees to only call Carly by that name and drops the Jessica. Or, if she chooses to be defiant of your wishes, she will be relegated to letters and photos until she feels ready to comply.

I just think about the fact that we are here to protect our children, and from what you have said it sounds to me like Carly's birth mom has some issues here that go beyond a name. I suggest strongly that you get in touch with the agency and get some help through them. The agreement you made for physical contact is certainly one that needs to be upheld... UNLESS... contact would be unhealthy for your child. And if her birth mother is having issues, she may need to seek some counseling in order to deal with her feelings. This is not a co-parenting situation.

[alicia hunter]

I think I'd remind her that you were open enough to put the name that she chose on the birth certificate and if she is unwilling to keep up her end of the deal you do have the option of changing the name. It sounds like a control issue. She feels like she has lost complete control of the child (which she has) and figures this is the only thing she can control. She probably does not even realize she feels like this. Let her know that you do want her in Carly's life and how important she is to all of you.

[ddhuab]

Why see her every two months if the agreement was twice a year? (or did I read that wrong?). If she really were to see the child only twice a year, I would let her call her Jessica, and then let her experience the shock of the child not coming to her or answering her. Or perhaps she could call her "Jessica Carly"?
Using the full-name is a little bit different, but then again, most people I know only get referred to by their full names when they have done something wrong... you might point something like that out to the bmom.

Of course you don't want your child to be hurt, but I don't think she would be in a small, private situation. Confused, yes, hurt no. I would NOT allow bmom to come to the family birthday and call her by the other name, because such confusion might make Carly feel that adoption is an abnormal or confusing or wrong sort of situation (no one else at the party will be being called by a different name). Or maybe you could do some role-playing type theme and let everyone wear nametags with different names -- like characters from books or movies Carly likes.


If she wants a "special name" that represents her relationship with the child, maybe she could call her "peanut" or some such sweet nickname? That won't be so weird (and possibly hurtful) to the family, will it?

I think the earlier poster was right, that the bmom has some bigger control issue at stake here, but it sounds as if she already has too much control over your lives.

I see where you are coming from with resenting your own travel and expense vs. the things that she has, but that really is a separate issue. She has a right to spend her time and money the way she wants. She gave up most of the responsibilities of parenthood when she decided not to parent. Anything you are doing that causes YOU added stress, anger, etc. should not be something you continue to do.

Good luck with whatever you decide -
D.

[Big Dreamer]

Thanks for the wonderful imput. I agree with all of you. It is definately a control issue. In November she became very irritated because the baby didn't respond when she called her Jessica. WE talked about everything that I mentioned above and even then she was defiant. As a result she did not see the baby in December or January.

I wanted her to have a great relationship with Carly but I can see that isn't really going to work.

We had agreed to two visits the first year, one around her birthday and one in Nov. we have done that. To date we have had 6 or 7 because it was what the birth mom wanted. We will stick with the two times a year and no more. We have decided we will host a small birthday party with the birth mom in her home town so that she will not be exposed to other members of our family by doing this it will alleviate alot of stress for me and she can call the baby what ever she wants.

In the mean time I will get our adoption agency involved. We have paid in advance for a life time of counseling none of which has been used to date.

I can't tell you how sad I am I really wanted us to be like sisters (birth mom and me) more importantly I wanted Carly to know her birth family and feel comfortable being around her birth grand parents and birth cousins. I guess I am a big dreamer. It was good while it lasted....maybe at a later time in our lives we can establish the realtionship on a healthy plain.

Thanks for listening...

[chickenrunshrek]

Big Dreamer, hang in there! Relationships with bio parents are an ongoing and evolving beast, one that we often feel as though we have no control over! There are times that I want to chuck the whole agreement and close everything and then there are times that I feel grateful for a moment of connection. When we first adopted we had a lousy relationship with bio dad and a great relationship with bio mom. Now it is opposite! Mom's issues are hers and hers alone. We've made things very simple. She is allowed a 2 hour visit every other month. But it is entirely up to her to contact us to make arrangements. Just like a cell phone, her hours don't "roll over" from month to month. Right now she is totally distant. Maybe she will want to re-establish contact, or maybe she won't. We can only abide by the agreed upon terms. We can't make her do anything. We're way to busy enjoing parenthood to get stressed out about that which we can't control!

As far as the name issue goes: We were there too. When our daughter didn't respond that pretty much ended the issue. We know what reality is and the rest is all fluff!

[MNelson]

Originally posted by Big Dreamer
My husband is so mad he wants to change her name legally to force the birth mom to respect our wishes.

It doesn't sound like that would work, she would probably call her Jessica anyway (and when Carly is older the issue of her name and the conflict between her parents would be a bigger deal in her eyes, knowing about the bc change.)

I like the angle that she would, when she gets a little older, only hear her full name when she's in trouble -- that might drive home to her birthmom that she wouldn't want to use a name that has a bad association with it. I also agree with the posters that said let her call her Jessica, and see the distance in her eyes when she doesn't respond.

You all agreed beforehand what was expected.

[bromanchik]

I don't see it as a total issue of control. I see it also a loss issue. In hanging on to the name Jessica she is holding on to a relationship that no longer exists. One where she is the "mom", the parent making the decisions. She needs to let go of "Jessica" and find out what she is to Carly. I know a lot of birthmoms who have a hard time letting go of the name they have given their child. I think it may be a way of avoiding grieving Jessica. Does this make sense? At any rate I do hope you find mediation. She needs to understand that her inability to call Carly by her name will effect Carly.

[LouiseT]

i am confused. why would you agree to name her jessica on her birth certificate if you had no intention of calling her that.? if you wanted to name her carly then that's what should have been put on the birth certificate. it's not as though you adopted her when she was a year old, and that was the name she already had. you named her at birth. i think it is nice that you wanted to include the birth mother in the name selection, but i feel as though maybe you are partly to blame. the birth mom knows her legal name is jessica, so it is natural for her to call her by that.

also, i don't think it's wise to let carly/jessica decide which name she wants to go by when she starts school - she will only be five, and after a week of being in school as jessica may want to go back to carly, vice versa. then what?

just my 2 cents.

[Big Dreamer]

You are right...we did want to include the birth mom and we did want her to feel as though she was part of our family. Our agreement to name Jessica was with the understanding that she would be addressed as Carly.

In Utero the birth mom called her Carly and she even addressed her as Carly in the begining, but in the last few visits she has decided to address her as Jessica and made it clear last Sunday that she WILL NOT address her by any other name. In Nov she was livid when the baby did not respond to her when she called her Jessica. At that time I reminded her of our conversations and agreement to call the baby Carly, she told me that she would not address her as Carly.

Before the adoption was final we told her that we were considering changing the babys name on our birth certificate, she said that changing her name to Carly Rae would be extremly hurtful to her, after all...the only thing she wanted was the name Jessica on the birth certificate.

I have a call into our agency...I really think that she has unresolved issues that need to be addressed.