[ccwasson]

Hello,
I need some advice on what to do about my mother-in-law. Here is our story.(the short version). Last May we brought home a little baby boy from the hospital that we had fully intended on adopting. The bmom had signed but she said she did not know where the bfather was. We posted on the punitive father registry for 30 days and no response. Well come to find out she did know where the bfather was and the adoption fell through. We had him 5 weeks. Now we have our beautiful baby girl that joined our family in November. My mother in law loves her to peices, but everytime someone asks about her or says how beautiful she is, she always tells our horrible story of our son and says that she is adopted and "we plan on keeping this one". I am proud of our daughter and her adoption, but that does not make a difference to me. She is my child and it does not matter if she is adopted or not. What can I say to her to make her realize that our story is very personal. I have asked her not to talk about it with strangers but she does anyway. I would love to hear any advice or similar experiences that you may have had.
THANK YOU
cc

[melon161]

If you've already asked her not to talk to strangers about it then I would get your husband and you together and sit her down and firmly explain to her that it is none of anybody else's business so please stop relaying the story to strangers.

If she still persists then all you can really do is when she starts telling the story in front of someone you don't know, say "I thought you understood that it is painful for us to talk about that, please stop telling people." She will be embarrassed that she was reprimanded in front of a stranger and will probably think twice before telling it the next time.

Stacy

[ccwasson]

Stacy,
Thank you for the reply. I hope that it will not come to embarrasing her in public, but it might. My husband is very upset about the whole situation and will not talk about it with her. I hope we will be able to come to a comprimse. Thanks for the advice.
cc

[Anigel]

What a great question! I don't have a good answer for you. I'm currently wondering how I'm going to tell MY mother-in-law, that we're adopting from DCF.

Maybe try something like, "I'm worried about the emotional remafications this will have on our little girl as she grows up. Try to tell her story more often, so she wont feel second best to the little boy later". . . "It's okay to grieve for the lost little boy, but let's focus on the little girl that's with us now, for she is a most imporatant gift".

I don't know how well you are able to talk with your mother-in-law. Is she like Raymond's mom, from everyboy loves Raymond? Mine's not like that, mine just doesn't listen! Maybe you just need to keep repeating yourself. I know that can get old fast, but I think it's important to let her know how this hurts you.

[jessica_e]

Oh, don't get me started on mother-in-laws!!!!! While not on this issue, I had a hard time with my mother-in-law on a number of things. It got REALLY bad. The only thing that worked was for my husband-- her precious baby boy-- to lay down the law to her. She didn't listen to me, but when he told her that she better respect my feelings or she wouldn't see him anymore, that did it. She is much nicer now!

[ccwasson]

Don't get me wrong, I really like my mother in law. She is a good person, but she does some really strange things. I think she speaks and acts before she thinks. I would hate to keep her grandchild from her. That seems pretty drastic, but if it comes to that, I will have to do it. I will try using your advice and see what happens. Thanks again,
cc

[DianeS]

I also wouldn't hurt to remind her that if she can't keep private family stories private, that you'll have to avoid telling her other things in the future. I've had to do that with a relative of mine, and although it was difficult to do, and the hard feelings afterward lasted for a while, I feel the relationship is better for it now - and private stories are actually kept private.

She might also be telling that story because she doesn't know how to respond to people in a more positive way. Giving some suggestions of things she can say that you'd enjoy having your daughter hear might help, too.

[Brat]

I tried to respond to you, but my post was inexplicably deleted. There was nothing in the least bit offensive, or against the TOS, so I'll chalk it up to a technical glitch.

At any rate, I'm with Stacy. Unless she's confronted publicly, she probably won't get that it's private.

Adoptive disruptions hurt everyone in the family. Your mother in law is probably grieving in her own way, and can't "hear" you right now. I'm sure she loves that baby and feels more in control if she's able to say what she does out loud. She's saying that she won't let that baby go no matter what. It protects her heart.

At any rate, I bet she'll get it when she's taken to task publicly. I love my mother-in-law dearly, but sometimes that's what it takes for her to "get" something I have said to her repeatedly as well.

I'm sorry for your previous situation, but I am glad that you have your daughter now. Sounds like your mother-in-law is very attached to her, and that's a wonderful thing.

[ccwasson]

THANK YOU to everyone who has responded. The advice is really good.

Brat,
I know my MIL loved that baby just as much as we all did. We it has been 9 months and we have to move on with our lives. Our daughter is the love of our lives and the most important thing right now and she needs to focus her energy on her. I know we will be able to work it out, but it might take some hard feelings for a while to get the point across. I will keep you updated. THANKS FOR THE ADVICE!!

cc

[amom4life]

Hi,
I can't add anything just wanted to say I love the name you chose for your daughter!
Judy

[aspenhall]

I suggest giving her alternatives to say. Instead of just asking her to say nothing. I agree that she probably doesn't see the harm in what she is doing.

[Hayley]

I have not yet adopted a child, but am hopeful that it will one day work out for us. I can, however, relate to your situation.

Our daughter was born with multiple birth defects and required major surgery at 5 weeks of age. We were at the hospital with her for 11 days, and it was simply the most trying time of my life. I was in no way ashamed of my child or what we went through. Quite the opposite. I have such admiration for how that little peanut endured all that horrible pain with almost no complaining. And I'm proud of my family. We pulled together and weathered that storm like few people could. We are all closer for it.

My parents were also wonderful. They took care of our older son while we were away and they offered such great support. But my mother just seemed to feel the need to tell every stranger our tale of woe. I know it somehow made her feel more comfortable with her grandchild's medical condition by talking about it to anyone who would listen. I think it made her feel it was more normal.

It made me very uncomfortable. Especially when my mother's aunt (who lives 1000 miles away and isn't even close to us) at my grandmother's funeral started to tell some distant cousin who I last saw at the age of 6 that, "this is Delia! Our miracle baby!" I know it was meant to be kind, but I felt like telling her to please shut up. She then proceded to tell her all about her surgery and birth defect, screwing it all up along the way. Then said, "I'm messing it up. Hayley, you tell her. You understand it better than I do." Sigh... if I wanted to tell her I would have. I could have killed my mother for telling her aunt.

Anyhow, what I'm taking a long time to get at is this: my mother has stopped telling unwitting strangers about my little girl's birth defects. She has made peace with the idea that her granddaughter didn't start out perfect and all the horror that came with that imperfection.

I think your MIL and my mom experienced some of the same things. I bet that she will stop advertising your private life when the baby firmly feels a part of the family, and the pain of that little boy being taken away fades a bit.

I'm not saying you shouldn't say anything to her. You probably should, but take heart that she will probably stop all on her own a few months from now.

Take care,
Hayley

[dl]

"My husband is very upset about the whole situation and will not talk about it with her."

My opinion is that your husband should be the one to talk with his Mother. His Mother is upsetting his Wife and has the potential to cause emotional harm to his Daughter if he doesn't put a stop to it. Yes, he is her Son and he should be respectful ~ but so should she. He is a Husband and a Father and he needs to step up and deal with his Mother.

I don't condone subtle hints, games or public embarressment. The adult Son should simply talk to his adult Mother. JMO

[Sharon]

"The adult Son should simply talk to his adult Mother." ~ DLouis

That sounds like the best plan to me as well.
~ Sharon

[Brat]

You're probably right, Dlouis. In this case, maybe the son needs to speak up. Especially since he's ticked off, too. She shouldn't have to do all the work herself. That's *their* baby.

I've known my mom-in-law for over a decade. She has become just like my own mom. When we're annoyed w/each other, we usually don't get other people to mediate. I can tell her straight up, "I'm not talking to you about this anymore," and typically, she'll hear me.

For example, I trusted her w/some private information about our infertility. The next thing I know, my brother-in-law is making odd insinuations. The next thing I know, in front of other family, she asked me a pointed question as though she was talking about the weather. I set her straight, calmly but directly, in front of those people. Now, she keeps her mouth shut--in fact they all do.

If I had my husband talk to her when she frustrates me, it would probably do more harm than good. You know that saying, "Don't talk about my momma!" Whenever I can keep that dynamic out of our relationship, I will. He listens, for sure, but I don't like putting down his mother to him because I know how I feel if he makes quips about my daddy. He's got his own relationship w/her, and I have mine. He has no problem speaking up either. And I guess the bottom line is, I don't need anyone to back me up when I have something to say.

I have known this woman for over a decade and I love her as though she gave birth to me. This is our relationship to work out together. I, for sure, don't want her feeling that I can't tell her what I really think, and need to bring in my husband. It would make me feel ganged up on, if she asked him to talk to me.

I might be wrong, but that's the context for my comments. I really think that when children are involved you have to be much more careful, so maybe the up front nature of our relationship will change a bit once a wee one with big ears is in tow.